Tasha dug her nails into her palm to stop herself from crying. She looked at the three little faces sitting opposite them at the kitchen table and her heart broke. They were so expectant: three pairs of rosy cheeks, three pairs of round blue eyes looking from her to Charlie and back, waiting to hear what it was that they had to say. They were the picture of innocence. To think that because of her their blissful, stable family life was about to be ripped from underneath their feet… She couldn’t cope with the guilt that coursed through her.
Charlie cleared his throat. ‘Darlings, Mummy and I have been talking,’ he began. ‘You know I’ve been spending some time in the office recently because I have been very busy at work?’
‘Yes,’ Flora said. Max and Bella nodded.
‘Well, it’s been quite nice for Mummy and me to have some time apart. Sometimes when grown-ups are married they like having a little break to spend time without each other. We still love you more than anything and want to spend time with you whenever we can, but we also like having our own places to live.’ Charlie took a deep breath. ‘From now on Mummy is going to keep living here and I am going to live in a flat near the office.’
The children looked blankly at them. ‘Why?’ Max said.
‘Why can’t we live together like we always do?’ Bella asked.
They all looked so confused. ‘Are you getting a divorce like Samantha’s parents?’ Flora asked.
‘No, we’re not, darling,’ Tasha said, crossing her fingers under the table. ‘We are just having a little break. Sometimes grown-ups decide that it is a good idea for a while.’
‘I don’t understand. Don’t you love each other any more?’ Flora asked. The expression of angst on her face was heart-wrenching.
‘We do. Of course we do,’ Tasha said. ‘It’s tricky to explain but you don’t need to worry at all. We love you, and we are always going to be your mummy and daddy. It’s just that for a while we will live in different places. Sometimes Daddy will stay here with you, and sometimes he will stay at his flat.’
‘But I don’t want you to live in different places,’ Max said, his voice sounding very small.
‘Neither do I,’ Bella added. ‘I like it when we all live here.’
Flora had gone very quiet. She was looking from Tasha to Charlie and back, as if trying to work out what was really going on.
‘Is it something we’ve done?’ Max asked, his voice wobbling.
‘Not at all, darling.’ Charlie got up and gave him a hug. ‘It has absolutely nothing to do with any of you. You are all perfect.’
‘It’s nothing anyone has done, I promise,’ Tasha said. Except for me, she thought bitterly. She dug her nails in even deeper, concentrating on the painful sensation in her palm to stop herself losing control. She knew how important it was that the children didn’t see the raw emotion that was threatening to erupt from her at any moment. She glanced at Charlie. His jaw was tense and she could tell just how hard he was finding this conversation.
‘What about the weekends?’ Flora asked. ‘We’ll still be together at the weekends, won’t we?’
‘No, darling,’ Charlie said. At this his voice broke slightly. He cleared his throat loudly. ‘It’ll be more like taking it in turns…’
Tasha took over. ‘Some weekends with me and some with Daddy.’
‘During the weeks I’ll be working so it won’t be much different,’ Charlie said. ‘I don’t always see you before bedtime normally anyway.’
‘But we know you’re here if we need you,’ Flora said.
‘I’ll always be here if you need me,’ Charlie assured her. ‘And I will call you every day to find out exactly what you have been up to and you can call me whenever you want.’
They answered the children’s questions patiently and calmly, each time reassuring them that they were not at fault, working together to come up with non-accusatory and responsible answers, doing their best to handle what was without doubt an extremely difficult conversation. At the end of it Tasha told them that this was going to be a Daddy weekend, so she was going to stay with Rosie.
At this Bella suddenly burst into tears. Flora soon joined her and Max jumped up from the table and ran around to hug her. ‘I don’t want you to leave us,’ he cried.
‘I’ll be back tomorrow, darlings,’ she said. ‘Then we will have a lovely day together. And on Tuesday you’ll be back at school and you can see all your friends!’
‘But it won’t be lovely because we won’t be together, will we?’ Flora said, her voice getting louder and more emotional with every word. ‘Daddy won’t be here. It’s never going to be lovely again!’
Charlie attempted to distract them with fun suggestions for the rest of the weekend while Tasha snuck off upstairs to grab her overnight bag. She came back to kiss the children goodbye, trying her best to stay cheerful as she did so.
Charlie walked her out to the door and stood briefly on the doorstep with her.
‘That was awful,’ she whispered, her eyes filling with tears.
‘I know,’ Charlie said. She wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around him and hold him tight.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she said. ‘I just wish I could make this all go away.’
Charlie nodded and swallowed. He glanced across the road. His jaw tightened. Tasha followed his gaze and saw that the lights were on.
‘I’d better go, then,’ she said. ‘I hope they’re going to be OK.’
‘I’ll be here if they aren’t.’
‘See you tomorrow, then.’
Tasha turned and walked down the street. Her heart was breaking. She could barely summon the energy to take each step. She felt emotionally exhausted and utterly drained. Mindlessly she made her way to Rosie’s flat near Bermondsey Street, texting her to let her know she was en route. She rang the bell and Rosie answered the door, her face a picture of concern. Tasha finally let her guard down. She burst helplessly into noisy sobs as Rosie hugged her.