It took a while for the floodgates to begin to close and for Tasha to regain some of her composure. The emotions she had been doing her best to repress in the past few weeks in a valiant effort to hold things together came spilling out. She couldn’t stop crying, shaking uncontrollably at the horrendous turn of events that had resulted in her sitting here, on Rosie’s sofa, away from her family. It didn’t matter how many times Rosie reassured her that it was not completely her fault, Tasha knew that no one had forced her into Javier’s bed. It had been entirely her decision.
Rosie put a steaming mug of tea and a packet of chocolate Hobnobs in front of her. ‘It was so much harder than I could have anticipated,’ Tasha gulped through her tears.
‘It must have been horrendous. It sounds like you both handled it as well as you possibly could have.’
‘Charlie was amazing.’ At this a fresh wave of tears came gushing out.
‘He’ll look after them this weekend, and you’ll be back with them tomorrow. You can reassure them and put their minds at rest. Children are so adaptable, they will get used to the idea more quickly than you think.’
‘I hope so. They just looked so confused. As if they couldn’t understand why on earth we would do such a thing.’
‘It’s a bit beyond their reasoning. I suppose they only know what they are used to, what they have experienced so far. When they realise that the reality is actually OK they will be fine.’
‘But will the reality be OK? That’s what I worry about. I just hope to God that somehow Charlie decides to forgive me. I’m hoping that he might miss us so much that he comes around and gives me another chance.’
‘Exactly. He might surprise you. He might surprise himself.’
‘The problem is the trust issue. You know his first love cheated on him with his best mate at uni? He was completely devastated. It took him years to get over it. The stupid thing is I know that about Charlie. I know him inside out. But it wasn’t enough to stop me from putting him through this all over again.’
Tasha buried her head in her hands and Rosie put a comforting arm around her shoulders. They sat on the sofa talking for a long time, eventually deciding to go for a walk along the river to get some fresh air. The golden light of the late-afternoon sun gilded the water as the daylight began to seep away. Tasha always found being by the river extremely calming. She tried not to let her imagination run away with itself thinking of the children and Charlie at home without her.
To take her mind off things they spent the rest of the day watching movies, ordering pizzas for dinner. She got several missed calls from Becca, all of which she ignored. She knew Charlie must have told her and Andrew about the separation, but she couldn’t face speaking to her just yet.
The next morning Tasha was in desperate need of coffee after yet another sleepless night. They went out for breakfast across the road. She checked her phone and saw that she had received a text from Charlie.
Children all fine, asked some more questions but generally OK – Bella woke in the night. I told my family last night. They wanted to get in touch but I said best to give it some time as neither of us really want to talk about it, that we are both OK and agree it’s for the best
‘There’s no kiss at the end,’ Tasha said sadly. ‘I can’t help but think this could be for real, Rosie.’
‘It’s still so soon after he found out, Tasha. It all happened so recently. It’s far too early to tell.’
‘I suppose I’m going to have to tell Mum and Dad, and Chloe and Ella. And call Becca. Oh, God. I’m just not sure I’m up to it. What are they going to think? They’ll be so shocked… It’s so completely out of the blue.’
‘You’ll feel better once it’s out in the open,’ Rosie assured her. ‘And at least then they’ll be able to support you through this.’
‘Charlie doesn’t want us to tell anyone about Javier. He just wants us to say we are separating without explaining why. I’m sure everyone will jump to their own conclusions. I feel bad – like I should own up to what I have done, especially to Becca.’
‘What is his reason for not telling them?’ Rosie asked.
‘He’s worried someone might say something to the children, even accidentally. He doesn’t want them to think badly of me.’
‘Well, that’s sensible. There is no need for anyone to know what goes on behind closed doors. Your relationship is between you and Charlie, so it really isn’t anyone else’s business. If you tell Becca she’ll undoubtedly tell Andrew and then he may tell his parents and before you know it the secret is out.’
‘I suppose. Though I can’t help but think that if it were him I’d be shaming him publicly for what he had done out of spite.’ Tasha sighed. ‘Charlie is such a good person, he always does the right thing.’
‘I’m sure you wouldn’t have,’ Rosie countered. But Tasha didn’t have such a strong faith in her own moral compass.
When Tasha felt suitably fortified by coffee and pastries they went back to Rosie’s flat. She left Rosie typing away at a new blog post while she settled down to make the dreaded calls.
‘Hi, darling!’ Lizzie’s cheerful voice came down the line. ‘How are you?’
‘Fine, thanks, Mum. Any news from Ella? I haven’t had any new emails for a while.’
‘We FaceTimed her last night. She is in Cuba! Having a wonderful time and feeling much better still, thank goodness.’
‘Great!’
‘How are the children?’
‘Fine, fine… I’m not actually with them at the moment,’ Tasha said.
‘Oh, how so? What are you up to?’
Tasha considered her next words carefully. She knew she couldn’t wimp out. She took a deep breath and said, ‘They are with Charlie. I’m staying with Rosie for the weekend.’ She paused. ‘Mum, I have something to tell you which is going to come as a surprise. Charlie and I have separated.’
‘Separated?’ Lizzie’s tone of voice conveyed her confusion.
‘We are taking some time apart from each other.’
‘But… why? What do you mean?’
‘It’s complicated, Mum. I don’t really know how to explain it. Charlie is moving into a colleague’s flat in the City for a while.’
‘Has he had an affair?’ Lizzie asked bluntly.
This made Tasha reel with guilt that Lizzie should immediately assume her daughter was the innocent party.
‘No!’ Tasha replied quickly. ‘Nothing like that.’
‘Then why on earth…?’ Her mother tailed off. She was clearly completely nonplussed, as Tasha had predicted.
‘As I said, Mum, I don’t really want to go into detail. It’s between me and Charlie.’ She heard Rosie’s voice echoing in her mind and tried her best to follow her advice. ‘The main thing is that we both agree it’s a good idea. And hopefully it will just be temporary, to give us some space… Things have been… tricky recently.’
‘Have you been arguing?’
‘A bit.’
‘God, this is awful, Tasha!’
‘I know.’
‘I’m afraid I’ve no idea what to say.’ There was a pause. ‘And the children? I suppose this explains why they said he was sleeping over at the office.’
‘They’re OK… I think. We only told them yesterday.’
‘And how is Charlie?’
‘Upset, as am I.’
‘Then why?’ Tasha could all too clearly picture the exasperated look on her mother’s face. ‘Surely you can talk things over, patch things up? Gosh, the amount of times your father and I have come to blows over the years. If we had separated every time we would have barely spent any time in the same house! It’s a bit drastic, don’t you think? And it can’t be good for the children.’
‘Thanks, Mum. Rant over?’ Tasha bristled.
‘Sorry, darling. I’m just very shocked.’
‘I can tell. Look, it hasn’t been an easy decision and obviously if we had thought it possible we would have avoided it, but we think it is for the best. Hopefully the space will make us realise how important our marriage is.’
‘By us you mean Charlie, I take it?’
‘Well…’
‘Mmmm…’ She could tell her mother wasn’t quite convinced. She passed the phone over to Bertie and Tasha had to repeat herself all over again. Her father sounded even more perplexed than her mother. Tasha could tell they didn’t buy her story. They must suspect some kind of infidelity or betrayal but she stuck to her guns, part relieved that she didn’t have to confess her adultery and part guilty that she had got out of doing just that. After she had finally hung up the phone, she sent an email to Ella, Chloe and Becca. She knew that all three would ring her as soon as they read it but she explained that it was easier for her to put it all in writing, that having just talked it through at length with both parents she felt completely drained. Sure enough, Becca called her straight away.
‘Tasha?’ Becca’s voice sounded full of concern. ‘Are you OK? What’s happened?’
Tasha burst into tears at the sound of Becca’s voice. ‘Sorry. I’m OK,’ she said through her sobs. ‘I just had quite a difficult conversation with Mum and Dad.’
‘I’m sorry. I know you probably don’t want to talk to me, but I just had to check you are all right?’
‘I’m OK, considering…’
‘And the kids? Charlie?’
‘They’re all right. We all are. It’s just hard. It’s so new…’
‘I just don’t understand what can possibly have happened. When we saw you for dinner the other day everything seemed absolutely fine between you.’
‘I know. It’s really hard to explain.’
‘Charlie told us you don’t want to talk about it, as you said in your email.’
‘Exactly. We’ve agreed it’s for the best.’
‘I hope he hasn’t done something wrong. To hurt you?’
Everyone seemed to assume it was Charlie’s fault. ‘He hasn’t. It’s just… tricky, that’s all.’ Tasha was at a loss for words.
‘Don’t worry. I understand, you don’t have to say anything. I just want to be here for you, and so does Andrew. And for Charlie too… Is there anything we can do? Help with the kids? Give you guys some space, some time together?’
‘Sadly, I don’t think that’s an option at the moment. Thank you though. I’ll call you if there is. And I’d love to see you soon. Perhaps when things have settled a bit?’
When she had managed to convince Becca that she was just about holding on and not about to have some kind of nervous breakdown she ended the call and collapsed back onto the bed, completely worn out.
‘So?’ Rosie asked, coming into the bedroom.
‘So…’
Rosie sat down next to her.
‘They know?’
‘Yup. I haven’t spoken to Ella and Chloe yet, but they will be calling me as soon as they check their email, I can guarantee.’
‘How were the others?’
‘Shocked. Surprised. Confused. Just as I expected really. None of them are satisfied with my lack of explanation but they are just going to have to accept it, I suppose. I can tell they all think Charlie has cheated, even Becca. It makes me want to tell them it was actually me – to protect him.’
‘Just as he is trying to protect you.’
Tasha yawned. She had never felt so exhausted in her life. Mental exhaustion was so much harder to handle than physical exhaustion. She had certainly had her fair share of sleepless nights with three babies, but this felt completely different. Her brain felt overloaded, every cell in her body hurt and she felt unbearably sad, as though her very soul ached.
‘What do you want to do?’
Tasha pulled herself up to sitting. ‘I think I’ll go for a walk.’
‘Do you want company?’
‘Do you know, I think I’d actually like to go by myself. I need to think. And I need to prepare myself for seeing the children later, and Charlie…’ Tasha sighed.
‘I understand. If you change your mind just call me and I’ll come and find you.’
‘Thanks, Rosie. You really are the best.’ Tasha hugged her.
She walked up to London Bridge and looked out across the city. The familiar skyline with its high-rise buildings gleamed in the sunshine. The famous landmarks: The Gherkin, St Paul’s Cathedral, The Shard, stood proudly like majestic beacons. Tasha walked along the Thames path, using the time to align her thoughts, to try and process some of what had happened and to make a plan for moving forwards in this time without Charlie as she waited for him to come back to her. She couldn’t contemplate any other ending. He just had to come back. They had to become the happy family they always had been once again. But it all rested on him. She honestly couldn’t say if she would be able to do what she was asking of him had it been the other way around. She hoped he was a better person than she was if that were the case. Tasha had never realised just what a powerful gift forgiveness was until it was her that needed to be forgiven.
By the time Tasha arrived back in Putney on Sunday afternoon she felt just about able to retain her composure and face her family.
‘Darlings!’ she cried as she opened the front door to find a pirate, a fairy and a Disney princess hurtling down the stairs.
‘Hi, Mum!’ they chorused, momentarily pausing their game to greet her.
‘They’ve been raiding the dressing-up box,’ Charlie said, coming down the stairs behind them.
‘What fun!’ Tasha crouched down to admire their costumes as they pirouetted and curtsied for her. ‘Have you had a lovely weekend?’
‘It’s been brilliant!’ Flora informed her. ‘We made fajitas. And last night we had pizza and watched a movie!’
‘We climbed the biggest tree on the common!’ said Max.
‘And we tried to fly our kite but there wasn’t enough wind,’ added Bella.
‘Wow! You have been busy!’ Tasha laughed, feeling unbearably left out.
‘How was godmother Rosie?’ Flora asked.
‘Oh, she is very well, thank you, darling. She sends you lots of love,’ Tasha said.
‘I’ve put some fish fingers and chips in the oven for their dinner,’ Charlie said.
‘Thanks,’ she replied. She didn’t know what else to say.
The children had charged back into the sitting room to continue acting out what appeared to be a mash-up of Peter Pan and Frozen.
Tasha followed Charlie into the kitchen.
‘This feels so wrong,’ she said.
‘I know. It’ll certainly take some getting used to.’
‘I hope we don’t have to get used to it for long.’
‘I saw Javier,’ Charlie said, ignoring her previous comment.
Tasha’s heart skipped a beat. ‘What?’
‘We were going out to the pizzeria last night for dinner. He pulled up on his motorbike.’
‘Oh, God, Charlie. I’m so sorry. What did you say?’
‘Nothing. I had to restrain myself from going up to him and punching his lights out. He saw me. He was clearly watching me to see what I’d do but I had the kids so I had no choice but to walk away.’
Tasha winced. She knew how hard that must have been. ‘I’m sorry I put you in that position.’
He looked at the floor. ‘I packed up some stuff last night,’ he said.
‘OK.’
‘I’ll leave you to it, then, I suppose.’
‘Were they OK today?’
‘Pretty much. Keep an eye on Bella though. She seemed a bit quiet earlier.’
‘I will.’
Charlie ordered an Uber. He said goodbye to the kids, who were thankfully still engrossed in their game. They didn’t notice him hauling several suitcases out to the taxi, and they didn’t hang around to say goodbye or watch him and Tasha’s awkward parting. She closed the door and took a deep breath, gathering her energy to plunge back into the unrelenting chaos of family life. At least there wouldn’t be much time for soul-searching and feeling sorry for herself while the children were around.