She thinks that it could be a dream, but it’s so vague that she can’t tell. Vic says her name, over and over again. Muted and not quite right. The sounds are there but the mouth isn’t forming them quite properly. It wakes her and she rushes through, and there’s Vic, sitting on the edge of the bed.
Beth, Beth, Beth, he says. He rubs his face with his hands.
Oh my God, Beth says, and she puts her arms around him. She doesn’t know how much of him this will be, and she could pull away and that noise might start again. He says her name seven times and then stops, and starts crying. She tries to soothe him, and in a second he’s asleep. She lies him down and watches him. She lies next to him, in the nook made by the curve of his sleeping body, and she sleeps herself.
This could all be a dream, she thinks as she drifts off.
When she wakes up she’s in the room with him, but the Machine is on, and it’s playing; Vic’s speaking from another time entirely. Something from much later on in his treatments. She keeps her eyes shut, because she’s asleep, she tells herself. She doesn’t need to wake up yet. She doesn’t need to know what’s happening.
Word association, the doctor says.
Okay. Then they do it, a series of words that are connected and trite when Beth hears them back. All so obvious.
Morning, the doctor says.
Sun. The sun, Vic replies.
Bullet.
Pain.
Beth opens her eyes and sees the Machine’s screen lit up, playing back. It’s been activated: REPLENISH is illuminated. She’s on the bed. The Crown is on the pillow above her head; she looks up, peers up, and there it is, blinking. She sits up – Vic doesn’t seem to notice – and she pushes the pillow away.
I didn’t do this, she says. I didn’t take this down. She looks at Vic and grabs his arm and shakes him. Was this you? she asks. Did you get up? Did you do this? He doesn’t make a noise, but the Machine does.
It changes pitch. It shifts upwards, less industrial turbine, more washing machine or dishwasher, something normal and practical and household. Only louder. So much louder. Beth picks up the Crown, holding it between two fingers. The Crown itself shakes. She hadn’t realized that. Maybe that’s what hurts Vic: maybe it’s too tight on his head.
She slides it back onto the dock, and the voice persists.
Stop it, she says. She presses the screen but it keeps playing, so she doesn’t even fight it. She pulls the plug. It keeps playing. Fuck off, she says. She hits the screen.
Death.
Parents.
She shouts at the Machine, which wakes Vic up – his eyes peeling open, that’s it – and then hits the screen again.
I’ll fucking break you, she says. Stop playing that.
It stops. The screen goes black. Vic shuts his eyes.
Beth paces the flat in the darkness and then goes to her room. She shuts the door almost all the way, and then she lies on her bed. In the darkness she counts to fifty. Something that she learned from Vic, an army trick.
When stress descends, count back down, he had told her.
From ten? she had asked.
God no. If counting from ten solves it, it wasn’t proper stress in the first place. Fifty. A hundred. A thousand.
That’s what you do?
Yeah.
How long does it take?
If I make it to zero it means I’m going to sleep, he had said.
She counts. Somehow she sleeps.