TANZY TELLS ALL

So I watched my best friend get married for the third time this weekend and I got to wondering . . . does the wedding bouquet lose its matchmaking karma if the marriage doesn’t last? Not that I want to be matched. Well, not for more than a few really good hours. A day or two, tops. In fact, they can keep the bouquet. Why risk it, you know?

I bring this up because it was at that moment that my life-altering epiphany occurred. It all happened when I attempted to dissolve into the crowd of bouquet-catcher wannabes . . . and made the startling discovery that there was no crowd to dissolve into. In fact, upon further observation, I realized I was the only person at the crowded reception old enough to vote and not yet on social security who met the requirements for the Bridal Bouquet Rodeo.

How did this happen? How, at age twenty-nine, did I, Tanzy Harrington, officially become the Last Bridesmaid in a social circle filled with Till-Death-Do-Us-Parters?

Today’s query . . . is honeymoon sex really that fantastic? Or do the participants merely indulge in that fantasy as a way to deal with the dawning realization that this is the only kind of sex they will have . . . ever again?

Chapter 1

Tanzy waited in line, wondering for the umpteenth time how Sue had talked them into this. “A good cause,” she muttered beneath her breath, thinking again that she could just as easily have written a check. And saved herself the embarrassment.

“What size?” the gentleman behind the counter asked her when it was finally her turn.

“Six-and-a-half, heel or sandal. Seven, flat or sneaker.”

The guy merely looked at her. Apparently having a sense of humor was optional when being considered for a job at the Bay Area Bowl-O-Rama.

“Seven, please.”

The man grabbed a pair of what had to be the most hideous shoes she’d ever seen and slid them across the counter. And she was going to pay him for the privilege of wearing those? She sent a silent apology to her feet. “I don’t suppose you have something in a Jimmy Choo?” Again with the blank stare. “Never mind.” She gingerly picked up the two-tone baby puke green and yellow leather lace-ups and scanned the lane monitors for her name. Charity event or no charity event, Sue was going to owe them all big time for this little outing, she thought as she settled in their team’s alcove.

She watched as other people began filling up the lanes and waited for the rest of the gang to show up. Dreading it almost as much as she dreaded the thought of bowling for dollars. She glanced at her watch. She still had time to run for it.

Then Rina swept in. Rina never did anything as pedestrian as walk, or even stroll. She swept. Tanzy stood and waved to her, then promptly tripped over the mile-long shoelaces. Needless to say, Tanzy wasn’t a born sweeper.

Rina stepped down into their little seating area and pulled her into the one-armed almost-hug that didn’t muss hair or makeup. “I’m back,” she announced with her typical élan. “The world can resume rotating on its axis now.”

Tanzy breathed a dramatic sigh of relief. “Thank God, the wobble was getting to me.” But she was glad Rina was home from her honeymoon. Of their group, Rina was her closest friend and confidant. Not to mention constant fodder for her biweekly column. Fortunately for Tanzy, and her readers, Rina found her occasional starring role amusing and flattering.

“What in the hell are those?” Rina was pointing to the baby puke leather rafts on Tanzy’s feet.

“Schizophrenic shoes only a manic-depressive could love?”

Rina wrinkled her nose. “I’m getting depressed just looking at them.”

“So, I assume the islands were fabulous,” Tanzy asked, almost desperate to change the subject. It was bad enough she had to wear the shoes. She drew the line at talking about them. “Your tan is perfect.” As were Rina’s sleek dark hair, designer clothes, lean model’s body, blah blah blah. Of course, Rina carried it off in a “Doesn’t everyone look this fabulous?” kind of way that made her hard to hate. Despite her own unmanageable brown curls, the occasional freckle, and eyebrows that were a bitch to keep plucked right, Tanzy managed not to be jealous most of the time. Generally that was when she wasn’t wearing baby puke shoes.

“It was utter paradise, Tanz,” Rina responded, flashing a sly smile. “We even managed to leave the yacht to see some of them.”

Rina’s third husband was Garrison West, aka Old Money. Fifteen years her senior, he barely looked it. And thanks to a team of plastic surgeons and personal trainers he probably never would. Rina was convinced the third time was the charm. Tanzy hoped she was right. More likely it was the disposable investment capital that was the charm. Given how Rina loved to dispose of her husbands’ capital, it just might be a match made in heaven.

Rina looked around the place. “How did we let her talk us into this again?”

“Beats the hell out of me. I’m thinking we just put a check on the little scorekeeper pedestal thing here and head to the lunch counter, whereupon we can stuff our faces while we watch other people make asses of themselves.”

“You know how I feel about consuming grease. But . . .” She glanced at Tanzy’s shoes and shuddered. “I’m thinking you have a plan.”

Tanzy laughed. “Just be thankful you missed out on Mariel’s ‘lunch with the girls’ last week.” She shuddered just thinking about it.

“Please don’t tell me she dragged you all to The Carousel. Again.”

Tanzy nodded, expression grave. The Carousel was the latest place for new parents to take their vaunted offspring. Amongst other things, it featured booths carved out of actual carousel horses, and pipe organ music. “And you weren’t even there to save me. I had circus nightmares for a week.”

“Oh God,” Rina whispered in mock horror. “Not creepy clown sex.”

Tanzy nodded. “Sue and I were the only ones who made it. I have no idea what happened to Sloan. So it was really above and beyond the call.”

Rina covered her hand. “I’ll make it up to you. In fact, I’m planning a little dinner party and—”

Thankfully Tanzy was rescued from what she knew was coming next, the Special Dinner Invitation for Single Friends, when Mariel and Sue showed up.

Mariel was the other newlywed of the group, married seven months earlier. She was also in the middle of her third trimester and regarded her impending parenthood like a new religion.

“Let’s hope she doesn’t preach to the unbelievers today,” Tanzy muttered to Rina, before stepping forward with a broad, teeth-clenched smile on her face. “Hi, guys. Sue, we need to talk.”

“Now, Tanzy, you promised—”

Mariel ignored their little byplay, she was too busy waving something. “I have sonogram pictures!” she sang.

Rina caught Tanzy’s eye and they shared a silent groan. “Great,” Rina managed, then turned to Sue, who was still in her tennis club duds. “Oh, bowling alley shoes are totally going to make that outfit.”

“Ha, ha. Come on, guys, it will be fun.”

They all just looked at her, Mariel included, who had by now looked at the lanes, and Tanzy’s feet, and was covering her belly protectively. Whether it was to shield her unborn child from the reverberating sounds of pins crashing against one another, or the horror of the shoes, Tanzy had no idea.

“How did the lesson go?” Mariel finally asked Sue, always the polite one.

Sue smiled, all flashy white teeth and those little crinkles at the corners of her eyes that only seemed to make her look perkier. Sunny Sue, as Tanzy always thought of her. Married to Perfect Paul. They were a disgustingly happy couple, the Barbie and Ken of Presidio Heights. “Well, let’s just say I’m not going on the WTA tour anytime soon,” Sue said with a laugh. “But I beat the snot out of Paul’s sister, so that was a bonus.”

So she was Barbie with an attitude. Which was why Tanzy hadn’t slit her wrists when she discovered she’d been paired with the perennially Sunny Sue as dormmates, freshman year at UC Berkeley.

Tanzy clapped her hands together. “Whaddya say we write big checks to Sue’s charity and go eat greasy fries while watching other people in bad footwear throw heavy things.”

Sue didn’t even try to put up a fight. She knew when she was outnumbered.

They all shuffled up to one of the booths and managed to wedge into their seats. Poor Mariel barely fit. But she didn’t complain. Tanzy suspected she knew everyone wasn’t exactly thrilled with her choice of lunch venues last week.

“Wonder where Sloan is,” Mariel said.

“Probably ringing up some impossibly huge sale,” Sue said. “She could sell sculpture to a homeless person.”

“Or maybe she’s home screwing Wolfie’s brains out,” Rina added with a sly grin. “She did say Wolfgang was being very apologetic and trying hard to please her. Hard being the operative word, I’m sure.”

Sue smacked her hand. “You newlyweds, all you ever think about is sex, sex, sex.”

“And you and Paul don’t?” Rina shot back.

Sue sighed. “Not like we used to.” She grinned easily. “But no complaints from me. After five years, you don’t expect fireworks.”

Tanzy tried not to blanch at the very thought. No fireworks? After only a couple of years? She wasn’t as perkily optimistic as Sue, but she thought her friend should have at least a little problem with that scenario.

Sloan came in then, with her postmodern slinky body draped in her postmodern slinky black clothes, and her postmodern waif haircut framing undeniably flushed cheeks. It occurred to Tanzy that Sloan might be the only person who could actually pull off bowling alley shoes.

“Ding, ding, ding,” Rina said, tapping her glass with her spoon and motioning to Sloan. “I think I picked the winning scenario.” She leaned over and dropped her voice. “Of course, if I had a husband like Wolf trying to get back in my sexual good graces, do you think I’d be here given the choice?”

Tanzy just rolled her eyes. Despite the moniker, Sloan’s husband, Wolfgang, was not exactly alpha material. At least, to look at him you wouldn’t think so anyway. He was a soft-spoken artist from Austria; tall, thin, with wispy blond hair. His best features were his enigmatic blue eyes. Tanzy happened to know that was what drove Rina crazy. She had a thing about hooded eyes.

Of course, apparently so did most of the young female models Wolf used for his sculptures, as Sloan had recently found out the hard way. But they’d been trying to patch things up. Tanzy wondered if reconciliation sex was better than make-up sex.

“You have Garrison West III,” Mariel said a bit plaintively to Rina, as if getting married made a woman oblivious to all other men. Which apparently was the case for Mariel. “Wealth, power, good looks. What could you possibly see in Wolfgang?”

Rina just gave her a look. “Honey, all the family money in the world can only compensate for so much.”

Tanzy and Sue shared a look, then nodded sympathetically. Mariel simply looked perplexed.

“Never mind,” Rina said. “And don’t worry, I’m perfectly happy with Gar.” She stood and gave Sloan the one-armed semihug as she found their table. “So, I guess you only need dessert now, huh?”

Sloan gave her a spare-me look, then quickly seated herself. “So,” she motioned to the room at large, “we’re not bowling for dollars?”

“We’re writing checks and eating fries for charity,” Tanzy said, enjoying the uncharacteristic flush on Sloan’s otherwise pale face. At least someone was having great married sex. All hope wasn’t lost.

When Tanzy first met Sloan, during her rebellious underground period in college, Sloan had been the sexiest unfeminine person Tanzy had ever seen. A retro beatnik who wore Doc Martens and black clothes, with a haircut so short it defied being called a style, sporting multiple body piercings way before it was a trend, Sloan still managed to exude a slinky sexy vibe.

She was still all those things, but falling in love with Wolfgang had softened something in her. Yet rather than ruining her edge, it had somehow only made it more complex and mysterious. Tanzy had been worried about her friend lately, though, so it was good to see her smiling again.

“You have to try new things, Tanz,” Sloan said with a far more characteristic world-weary sigh. “Sometimes that means pulling yourself out of your comfort zone.”

“Yes, well, her comfort zone apparently only extends to charity events where you can wear designer footwear,” Sue said, and they all laughed.

Tanzy often thought about the odd dynamic of their little social circle, but she’d long since given up trying to figure out why it worked as well as it did and just accepted that it did. And thanked God for it. She didn’t know what she’d do without them. In fact, it was worrying about her new role in that dynamic, as the last single woman of the group, that had dominated her thoughts in the two weeks since Rina’s wedding.

She’d worried that everything would feel different today, with all of them finally together. That she’d feel somehow excluded sitting amongst her married friends.

“So, I take it things are . . . improving?” Rina pointedly asked Sloan. “Wolfie’s keeping his clogs parked under your bed exclusively now?”

Leave it to Rina to not pull any punches, Tanzy thought. But she was surprised when, instead of looking happy and smug, or faintly irritated at having her marriage put up for dissection in a bowling alley diner, Sloan flushed with what looked more like embarrassment.

She managed to pull it together and lift a slim shoulder in an absent shrug as she slid the plastic-coated menu across the table. “We’re working on it.”

Rina shared a brief questioning look with Tanzy, but mercifully let the topic drop.

Mariel, never comfortable with any hint of social unrest, piped up. “Want to see my sono pictures? You can see his little penis!”

Tanzy almost swallowed the ice in her water glass. Rina burst out laughing, and snagged the picture from Sue, who, blue eyes twinkling, gestured with her fingers to demonstrate just how well hung unborn baby Benjamin was going to be.

Sloan kept looking at her menu. “No thanks, I’ve already seen enough tiny penises for one day.”

Everyone fell silent, even Mariel. Sloan looked up at everyone’s thinly veiled expressions of pity and sighed. “Sculptured. One of Wolf’s current projects.”

“Not a self-portrait, I hope,” Rina said.

Sloan looked back to her menu. “Hardly.” Then she snickered and ruined the whole unaffected artist vibe.

Rina raised her water glass. “A toast.”

Everyone lifted their glasses. “To?” Tanzy asked.

“Baby penises, sculptured penises, and hot honeymoon sex regardless of penis size!”

Everyone laughed. Nobody cared that people were staring. When they were together, they were in their own little world.

Orders were placed, greasy french fries and burgers were dutifully delivered.

“I can’t believe we’re going to eat this. And we’re not even throwing heavy things to dilute the guilt,” Sue commented.

Sloan simply looked at her. “Think of food as art instead of fuel,” she said in her snootiest art gallery tone, then leaned back and smiled. “Of course, I could definitely go for an impressionist milkshake to wash down these fries with. I’m starving.”

Rina laughed. “Postorgasmic munchies, huh?” She gave a reminiscent sigh. “We had Gar’s personal chef with us on the yacht. It was marvelous what that man could do with a white sauce.”

Mariel grimaced. “That’s not very romantic. Having other people all around on your honeymoon.”

“Sweetie,” Rina said, “it’s not like the boat steered itself, either. Trust me, his staff is very well trained.”

“I guess it has to be, considering,” Sue murmured wickedly, making both Tanzy and Sloan snort.

Mariel shot a worried look at Rina, but she merely nodded and smiled knowingly. “Motion makes all the difference, trust me. And the boat rocking didn’t hurt matters any.”

Sue sighed. “Honeymoon sex. I remember every minute of ours. Seems a lot longer than five years ago.”

Tanzy chewed thoughtfully, then waved her next fry. “It wasn’t like you two hadn’t, you know, already.”

“Yeah,” Sue said, “but there’s something about being married, having just said your vows—”

“I know what you mean,” Mariel chimed in dreamily. “Chuck was wonderful, the whole time we were in Paris.” She giggled. “I don’t even remember much about the city.”

“I guess not,” Rina said, “considering you’re due almost exactly nine months from your wedding night.”

“I already explained about that.” Mariel rubbed her tummy, her eyes taking on that glazed born-again look. “But, you know, like I’ve already said, maybe the condom was supposed to break. I have to believe it was for a reason.”

No one bothered to disabuse her of her fantasy. Once she’d gotten over the shock, she’d been deliriously happy.

“And Chuck is still wonderful,” she chirped. “I mean, as hard as he works at the agency, he still manages to call me several times a day to see how the baby and I are doing. So what if sex isn’t the same? That will come back at some point.”

She didn’t look as certain as she sounded, Tanzy thought, wondering how she really felt about it. It was bad enough to think about only having Chuck for the rest of her life, the least she should want is prime Chuck. And Rina, with Gar the Immeasurable. Sloan would only have Wandering Eye Wolfgang. And Sunny Sue and Perfect Paul’s sex life had been reduced to missionary position twice a week, with the occasional Wild Sex Sunday—as Sue had termed it—when they got out of going to her mother’s for dinner after church.

Tanzy tried not to shudder at the thought of having Designated Sex Days. Her friends seemed happy enough with their marriages, and that was all that mattered. As long as they didn’t try to shove marital monogamy down her throat just because they’d opted for it.

Where other women might be feeling really inadequate and self-consciously available at this point, Tanzy’s marital clock had yet to start ticking. Much less her biological one. Maybe they never would. And, even with thirty looming on the immediate horizon, she wasn’t all that worried about it.

The thing was, while she was happy for her pals, she didn’t envy them, didn’t yearn to have a spouse of her own. She liked being single. Embraced it. She was one with her singlehood and wore it like the honorable badge of independence she liked to think it was. Only at that moment, with everyone around her sharing the knowing looks of the married, her beloved independence took on a whiff of something that smelled a lot like loneliness. Or would be as they continued to build on their experiences and she was slowly left outside the conjugal circle.

“Bullshit,” she muttered under her breath, then braced that resounding proclamation with a fortifying sip of chocolate shake. She’d leave this restaurant and her stable of married friends and reenter her single-woman world with renewed gusto, relieved that she’d been the smart one, the one who’d escaped the surrender of all things wild and daring.

Otherwise known as settling.

Not just settling down, but settling period. Settling for the “right man,” aka the “good provider.”

She wasn’t ready for the good provider yet. She was still busy enjoying the good weekender. Rina labeled the guys Tanzy dated as bad boys, renegades. Tanzy knew better. They were both of those things and more. Which was precisely what made them desirable. All about the moment and not about the future. And when she was their moment? Well, let’s just say Hallmark doesn’t make that card.

“Earth to Tanzy,” Rina said, nudging her foot.

“She’s working,” Sue said. “I can always tell. She gets that vacant stare and forgets the rest of us exist.” She waved her hand in front of Tanzy’s face, then propped her elbows on the table. “Which is rude, considering without us she’d be out of a job.”

“Yeah, then she’d just have to dip into that trust fund Millicent has all set up waiting for her,” Mariel said. “Tanzy, I still think you’re crazy for not taking your great-aunt’s—”

“Please,” Sue begged, “let’s not go there again. She’s explained until she’s blue in the face why her stubborn independence is more important than fabulous wealth.”

Rina ignored both of them. “Speaking of Millicent the Magnificent, how did your annual Thanksgiving dinner together go?”

Tanzy gladly latched on to Rina’s lifeline. Mariel saw no reason why Tanzy shouldn’t just set herself up in the ostentatious tradition of her Harrington forebears. Mariel, who couldn’t wait to snag successful Chuck and begin nesting. Tanzy looked to Rina. “About as usual. She asked how work was going, conned me into doing some shopping with her—a terrifying experience, let me tell you—showed me the latest techno-wizard stuff she’d had installed in Big Harry, and that was pretty much it.”

“Speaking of Big Harry,” Sue interrupted, referring to Harrington House, the gated manse Tanzy’s great-aunt lived in, “remind me to talk to you later.”

Tanzy nodded, knowing what it was about. Mariel’s baby shower. Sue was planning it and had decided to have it at her club, but she suspected Rina had mentioned something about having it at Harrington House, and rather than argue, Sue likely wanted to go with the flow.

Rina sipped her after-lunch coffee, then said, “So, any more notes from your ‘Tanzy Tells All’ soul mate?”

“Very funny,” Tanzy said. “I should never have mentioned him. He’s harmless. I just hit delete.”

“So you’ve gotten more of them,” Sue said, leaning forward. “Maybe you should send them to Martin.”

“The delete button is pretty effective and a lot easier than listening to one of my editor’s lectures on celebrity stalkers.”

“A lecture you probably need to hear,” Mariel said, looking worried.

“Martin’s been distracted enough lately, he doesn’t need me piling this on. Besides, I already got one from Millicent, thank you very much.”

“You told Millicent?” Rina laughed. “I bet that went over well.”

Tanzy knew her great-aunt admired her independence, but she could be rather controlling given an inch. “I was dazed from marathon shopping. It slipped out. Honestly, though, I think I’d know if it was a real threat. Can we drop this?”

Rina slid a considering glance Tanzy’s way. “Sure, if you’ll tell us what part of this discussion will show up in the next column.”

“Yeah,” Sue laughed, “baby penises or hot honeymoon sex?”

How to be happily single when all your friends are married, Tanzy thought, forcing a smile. What she said was, “I guess you’ll have to read it and find out.”