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ELLIOT STRODE INTO the barn and paused at the sight of Lexie on her toes, leaning over the stall, stroking Penny’s side.
She spoke to the horse in a soothing tone.
“That’s how I like my women, barefoot and pregnant.” He glanced down at her feet. “Well, feet bare in flip-flops, I guess.” He grinned.
Lexie jumped at the sound of his voice. When she turned to face him, her mouth lifted at the corners, and her eyes brightened.
The sight of her tugged at his heart. He closed the gap between them, snaked an arm around her waist and pulled her to him. Placing a gentle kiss on her forehead, he said, “You look nice.” She wore her hair down, with the sides swept back, revealing her high cheekbones and the angles of her face.
“Thanks.”
“So, what have we got here?” His motioned to Penny. “Where’s the foal?”
Lexie pointed to a stall on the other side of the barn. “Over there.”
“Isn’t it a little bit early to wean him? I mean, I may not know much about these things, but I would think the baby stays with mama more than two days.”
Lexie sighed, her eyes going soft and sad. “Penny has mastitis. They’re not entirely sure why because usually, mares only get it when the foal is being weaned. Nevertheless, she has a pretty bad infection. She won’t let him nurse. When he tries, she kicks at him and goes crazy because she’s so sore. Even if he does manage to latch on, he doesn’t drink much. Her milk is probably watery, maybe even bloody.”
Elliot grimaced, wishing she had spared him the details.
He walked across the musty old barn to the foal’s stall. The floor was covered in bits of hay and clumps of dirt, but it was clean for its age. “Hey there, buddy.” Thanks to his height, he leaned over the gate with ease, not needing to stand on his toes like Lexie. He scratched a furry brown ear. “Poor guy. You miss your mama?” The foal gave the side of the stall a little kick as if in answer.
Lexie moved to Elliot’s side, leaning into him until he pulled her closer and wrapped an arm around her waist.
“We’re going to bottle feed him for now. I’m not sure he’ll get to nurse again. Penny’s reactions to him trying are so severe; my parents saw no choice but to separate them. They only moved them apart an hour ago, so we’ll see...”
Lexie’s voice was tinged with something sad, regretful even, and when he shifted and gazed into her rich, brown eyes, he reached a hand up to her face and traced the curve of her jaw. Whatever was ailing her, he wished he could make it go away, so he leaned in and kissed her—a soft and sweet gesture. Something he could get used to. Something he had missed.
His stomach clenched and even as his body had other ideas, he pulled back and said, “You seem pretty upset by it. You okay?”
Lexie nodded. “Yeah. I just feel bad, is all.”
“Why don’t we take a walk before dinner?” Elliot was pleased with his invite to the Dodson’s for a family dinner. Being there for a meal reminded him of old times, but more than anything, he wanted alone time with Lexie. No amount of time was ever enough. She was all he could think about when they were apart.
His business once occupied most of his time and his mind, but lately it seemed, even while he worked, he couldn’t prevent his thoughts from straying to the gentle lines of her face, the sound of his name on her lips, even the baby she carried in front of her like a buried treasure. Every thought was burned with images of Lexie, as if his mind was making up for the ten years they were apart.
Elliot clasped Lexie’s hand in his. They walked out of the barn, past the chicken coop, and down the path to the pond. They strode quietly, in that kind of comfortable silence where neither one felt the need to fill every moment with small talk. After a few minutes, the thick groves of trees opened into a clearing and the water came into view.
The dipping sun draped the pond in gold. He guided them to the decaying maple trunk they used to share with regularity. The moss was soft and slightly slippery in spots, but Lexie didn’t seem to mind. She let out a big sigh when she sat and straightened her legs out, letting her flip-flops fall to the grass below her feet.
The rhythmic chirping of crickets and cicadas filled the air around them, indicating mid-summer had arrived, and in another six weeks, cooler weather would return.
“Nice night,” Elliot said.
“Mmm,” Lexie murmured, her gaze focused on the water.
Her expression was relaxed, serene. She seemed completely content and comfortable with him by her side, which made him think of how far they had come since she first arrived back in town and he found her breaking in the parking lot of his store. She had certainly grown from the fragile woman who arrived here only three months ago.
Naturally, Elliot had done a lot of meditating upon his relationship with Lexie. Her pregnancy and baby being the aspect most thought about. It was none of his business. He had no right to fantasize about being a part of the baby’s life, a father to the child. Nevertheless, he often found himself daydreaming about what it would be like, and because of that fantasy, he had something he wanted to discuss with her.
He cursed his nerves, wiping his damp palms on his pants. “Hey, Lex? I was wondering...about the baby.”
“Yeah?”
He sensed her tense slightly at his side at the mention of the child. Her spine straightened and the muscles in her neck tightened, but he forged ahead. If he waited, he’d never get the words out. “Who are you listing as the father? I mean, are you going to put him on the birth certificate?” he asked, referring to the biological father, her rapist. She had yet to share his identity with anyone, but Elliot had a hunch that she had known her attacker.
Lexie turned to face Elliot. She narrowed her eyes and her pink lips parted. “No... No, I’m listing the father as unknown.”
He couldn’t help but notice the bitter cadence to her voice so he paused for a moment, choosing his words carefully. He stared off into the distance, past the water’s edge, into the darkness of the tree line, before turning to her. He needed to stop wasting time and get to the point. “What if you put my name down? What if you listed me as the father?”
Lexie opened her mouth and started to say something, but Elliot held his hand up, stopping her. “I’m not exactly sure what’s going on between us. I mean, I’m sure you know what I want between us, what I’ve always wanted. I’ve never been quiet or subtle about that, but I don’t know how much you feel for me.” He looked down at his empty hands and reached for her again, holding her hands in his own, stroking his thumb across her soft skin.
“What I’m trying to say is, I know there’s a chance you may not want to be with me. But I want you more than anything. I always have, and I won’t let you go without a fight, but if you don’t want me, even if I can’t change your mind, I still want to be listed as the father. I’d like to be a part of the child’s life regardless.”
Lexie looked at Elliot for a long moment. He held his breath, unsure of what her reaction may be. He couldn’t let her go on with the pregnancy and give birth without asking. He wanted to be a part of the child’s life as much as he wanted anything. She was a part of Lexie, and maybe deep down his desire was selfish, because even if he couldn’t be with her, he wanted at least some part of her always.
He continued to rub her hands, waiting for her response. He feared she’d say no, the word rejection crept through the inner recesses of his mind.
“I don’t know. There are some things that I haven’t told you. You need to know—”
“I don’t need to know who did this to you. In fact, it’s probably best I don’t because I’ve fantasized about what I would do to the man if I ever found him, and trust me when I say, I’d be going to jail, and they wouldn’t be releasing me anytime soon.”
She looked down at her swollen stomach and placed a palm on it as her eyes clouded. With a frown, she seemed to search for something, conflicted. “I can’t believe you would want her and would be willing to do that. For me. For the baby.” She shook her head and bit her lip. Then her gaze settled on his and tears pooled in her eyes.
“You give me too much credit. I’m selfish. She’s a part of you,” he said, placing a hand over hers, on top of her stomach. “I didn’t fight last time. I just let you walk out of my life. Do you really think I’d do the same thing again? With you? Or this baby?”
Her eyes darted to the ground. Something turbulent and indiscernible lurked in the crease of her brow, her drawn mouth, and sad eyes. Her expression almost seemed to be pleading, begging for understanding, but for what, Elliot wasn’t sure. Maybe she wasn’t ready to make this decision yet.
He steadied his voice, trying to push back any disappointment. “You don’t need to make a decision now. I’ll give you some time to think about it. I’ll be here. I’m not going anywhere, so all you have to do is let me know.”
Several minutes passed in silence, but once the sun started to dip further in the sky, casting everything in shadows, Elliot and Lexie started the trek back to the house for dinner.
They stepped inside and were immediately accosted by Phil’s girls. They gave both Elliot and Lexie quick hugs, before scurrying away, the cacophony of their giggles bouncing off the walls. For the first time since she arrived home, Lexie greeted Phil with a tentative smile and hug instead of a wall between them.
Elliot had to suppress a stupid grin. Phillip wanted Lexie in his life again, more than anything, and Lexie needed him desperately. Seems both of them got what they wanted. Amends was all they needed. Seeing as how Phillip had become like a brother to Elliot over the years Lexie was away, Elliot was glad for it.
Heather announced that dinner was ready, and they each took their respective seats without hesitation as if Lexie had never left and she and Elliot had never been apart. Bowls and platters heaped with food were lumped in the middle of the table. Everyone helped themselves without recourse. Elliot piled a mountain of roasted potatoes on his plate and moved onto the glazed carrots when Heather cleared her throat.
“Um. I have an announcement to make,” she said. Her tawny hair brushed her shoulders, her eyes gleamed, and the grin she clearly tried to suppress slid onto her lips. “I’m really glad everyone could be here together.” Phillip gripped her hand, and Heather’s gaze moved around the table stopping at Lexie.
Gail put her fork down and looked at Heather, her forehead creasing with impatience. “Well, what is it? Stop grinning and tell us.”
“I’m pregnant. Phillip and I are going to have another baby!”
The table filled with excited squeals from the children and congratulations from Ed and Gail, but Elliot’s gaze flickered to Lexie, uncertain of her reaction. His anxiety was quickly replaced at the sight of her smile. They hadn’t talked about it much (mainly because of Lexie’s quick change of subject any time he brought it up), but Elliot had no doubt Lexie wished the circumstances of her own pregnancy were different. Even he would be lying if he said that the desire for the child inside her to be his own hadn’t crossed his own mind.
Lexie stood and leaned across the table. She clasped Phil and Heather’s intertwined hands in her own. “I’m so happy for you guys.”
Elliot smiled, relieved. “Hoping for a boy this time?”
Phil laughed. “Ugh, three girls. I can’t imagine,” he said, playfully nudging both Penelope and Hannah. “I’ll be happy with whatever I get, but if we have another girl, I’ll probably be completely gray by the time I’m thirty-five.”
Elliot glanced over at Lexie, who began eating. The vision of his life spread out before him, PTA meetings with Phil, Heather, and Lexie, endless birthday parties, graduations. He wanted it all. A family with her.
“This is great.” Elliot beamed. “The babies will be so close together. They’ll even be in the same grade in school. That’ll be nice, huh, Lex?”
The second he said it, he knew something he said was wrong.
Lexie’s expression did a three-sixty. Her smile turned to stone and she stiffened beside him.
Elliot glanced around. Everyone at the table wore similar expressions. Gail’s hand had frozen in front of her, fork mid-air, Phil’s mouth was drawn down like a bow, and both Heather and Ed’s gaze fell to their plates—the creamed asparagus suddenly the most interesting thing in the room.
“What?” Elliot asked. He blinked over at Lexie. What was he missing?
She opened her mouth to speak but closed it just as quickly. The silence, everyone’s expressions, stirred his nerves. “What?” he said again, louder this time.
“I hadn’t told you...I was going to, but I...” Lexie’s voice trailed off. Then she looked back at him. “I’m not keeping the baby.”
Elliot’s eyes widened. The lines in his forehead deepened into thick creases as he tried to understand. “What do you mean?” he asked, his voice hollow, even in his own ears.
Lexie met his gaze with a tortured one of her own. “I’m giving the baby up for adoption.”
The air snagged in Elliot’s chest and his gut clenched as though he’d been punched. He didn’t need to look around him to know everyone was watching him. Apparently, everyone knew but him.
“You’re not keeping the baby? How can you not keep her? We just talked about it, and you didn’t say anything. I mean, I know what happened, but...” His nerves rose, and the only thing he could concentrate on was the deafening beat of his pulse in his ears. He tried to keep any hint of accusation out of his voice but failed. Lexie had gone through hell. The baby inside her had not been conceived out of love, or even something as careless as a one-night stand for that matter, but in all his daydreaming, the idea that she may not keep the child never crossed his mind.
This whole time, right or wrong, he had thought of Lexie’s baby as a part of her, of him. He never thought to separate the identity of the baby from her, and because he so desired every part of Lexie in his life, he had foolishly tangled his future with the child she carried. He wanted her like his own, and maybe he was wrong in doing so, but he pictured taking her to ballet classes in a pink tutu and pigtails. Pictured catching fireflies with her in the backyard, taking her to the movies, learning to braid her hair, shopping, and even brushing the tears from her cheeks when she experienced her first heartache. He wanted Lexie. And he had wanted the baby. He wanted all of it.
He stared into Lexie’s broken expression, unable to mask the churning emotions in his.
“I just can’t,” she said simply. Her voice was slightly defensive, but it quavered, betraying her real emotion.
Elliot pushed away from the table. “I need some air,” he said, his voice thick. He threw his napkin down on his plate, the roast chicken, and potatoes untouched. He hurried out of the room, through the house, and onto the porch.
He gripped the railing in his hands, putting his weight into his arms, cursing himself for his reaction. Even though he knew he needed to be supportive and respect Lexie’s wishes, the knowledge of how he should act did nothing to change the way he felt. The baby she carried wasn’t his, a fact that continued to sting. Regardless, he couldn’t shake the feeling of loss, the fear that by giving the baby away, a part of her was leaving with it. She’d break him all over again.
He heard the soft shuffle of footsteps behind him, along with the whining of the screen door as it creaked shut.
“I don’t know what to say.” Lexie’s voice trickled into the night air like a mournful melody.
Elliot remained silent for a moment, trying to collect his thoughts. From the corner of his eye, he watched her. She moved closer to his side, about a foot away, and mimicked his stance, staring out into the yard. When he looked over at her—saw the stray wisps of her hair dancing in the breeze, the flush in her cheeks brought on by her pregnancy, and the defeat in those almond shaped eyes—his world crumbled. His lungs and chest constricted, and his heart thumped despondently in his chest.
He was losing her. Suddenly, the fear that she was not going to stay, that she would flee again the first chance she got—right after she gave up the baby—gnawed on his soul. But he couldn’t even blame her. After all, he had always been in love with her. He had never stopped, and so there was no “letting himself fall in love with her again.” Instead, he kicked himself for foolishly let his imagination run wild, imagining a life with Lexie—with her daughter. For letting himself think that maybe he had done enough this time, that this time he would be enough for her to stay.
Elliot shook his head, unsure of how much fight he had left. No doubt, a sorry version of himself stood before her, his face a crumpled expression of pain and loss. “You don’t owe me an explanation. I was the one that thought—” He blew out a deep breath and scrubbed his hands over his face, trying to will away the last five minutes. “I never asked you what your plans were. You have every right to do with her what you wish.”
It pained him to say it, and the words nearly stuck in his throat. “I just thought that you were staying. I thought we had a chance at something again, something better. All I’ve ever wanted was a life with you. From the day you showed up at my house, the house we were supposed to share, I promised myself I wouldn’t let you go again. And I meant it...I guess I pictured the three of us together...” His voice cracked, leaving him wordless, empty.
Lexie stepped forward as her eyes searched his face, and he wondered whether she could see the depth of his pain, the depth of the fear, which anchored itself to him.
“I’m sorry. Yes, it is my decision, but I should’ve have told you. I knew how you felt about the baby. I didn’t need you to say it, to verbalize it, to know how much you cared. I saw it the first time you held your palm to my stomach—that day by the barn, after the Angus got loose. Every time you look at me, I see the love in your eyes. I hear it in your voice, your words, when you speak of me and the baby. So I should have told you. I’m not sure why I didn’t. Maybe I was afraid of losing you, of what you might think of me, that you wouldn’t understand. But this baby was conceived out of something vicious and cruel, something hateful, which tore my life apart. How can I live with that reminder? How can I tell my daughter where she came from? Explain to her that her father was a rapist, and I never wanted her? I can’t.”
A tremor shook her voice. And maybe Elliot just imagined it there, wished it to be there, but he thought he heard some self-doubt behind the words, as if the questions weren’t entirely rhetorical for his benefit, but instead were things she needed answers to.
She stepped forward once more, gently reaching out to touch his arm. “I’m not going anywhere though. I told you, I’m staying. I have some things to figure out yet. I need a job. I’m still rebuilding my life and trying to figure out exactly where I fit in the world again, but I’m not leaving. When I first came here, I was an empty shell, there was nothing left of me, but you’ve helped me live again. You’ve helped me to breathe. You’ve shown me that there’s a reason worth living. I never stopped loving you either. I had my reasons for leaving, and I’m sorry I left the way I did, but none of the reasons were ever because I didn’t love you. I still have a lot of days where I feel hopeless and like half a woman, but the one thing I’m sure of, is that I love you now more than I ever have.”
She leaned into him, standing on her tiptoes, pressing her forehead against his. He placed his hands on either side of her face and held her there, feeling the heat of her skin, breathing her in, the scent of lavender filling his lungs, an affirmation that she really was there with him, and the things she just said were very much real. He had waited so long to hear those words from her. They were plucked straight out of the fragments of his dreams.
He sighed, then moved his forehead and replaced it with a kiss. He pulled back and stroked her cheek with his thumb. His throat thickened until he could barely swallow. “I’ve waited so long to hear you say that. I don’t want you to give up the baby though, and yet, you can’t keep it because of me. For obvious reasons, that would never work.”
Her voice was a whisper. “So, where does that leave us?”
Elliot glanced away from her. He shook his head. “I don’t know.”