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LEXIE STUMBLED OVER the uneven ground. Her feet sunk into the soft earth, wet from the morning rain. She made her way through the thick trees and into the clearing. The weeds and tall grass tickled her bare legs, reaching for her knees.
She glanced up to the sky, wishing for blue, but found only the thick cover of pale gray clouds. Hopefully, the rain would hold off. She said a quick prayer. The last thing she needed was to get stuck out there in a downpour, especially since she wasn’t feeling well.
She woke this morning fatigued and achy. Dr. Heart told her it was probably stress from the impending adoption or nerves at the prospect of seeing Elliot, but Lexie wasn’t so convinced. Instead, she feared it was a summer cold. If it were, she’d wind up being miserable since she wouldn’t be able to take anything for a head cold.
Despite her fatigue, earlier this morning, after the rain had passed and she quit hedging, she went to Anderson Outfitters searching for Elliot. But she never found him. Instead, she was greeted with old man Rutgers, who, even after she explained she was just there to find Elliot, continued to try to sell her a fly-fishing reel. To make matters worse, on her way out, she got stuck talking to Shirley Maddison, her fourth grade English teacher, who apparently had a lot to say about how “sweet” it was that she and Elliot were back together again.
In the end, some boy (he looked about fourteen) with red hair and freckles, overheard her asking for Elliot and informed her that he took the afternoon off to fish. Seeing as how mostly everything remained the same since she left home, Lexie decided to try Elliot’s old spot, in the hopes that it, too, hadn’t changed.
Two days had passed since the night he left her house during dinner, and she was desperate to talk to him. Last night, her mother’s words continued to play in her head—about deciding once and for all what she wanted. She had thought she’d already done that. Though she loved Elliot, her mother was right. She hadn’t really thought about what she wanted, about her future with him. Instead, she had eased back into her feelings for him, her place in his life, enraptured by how natural it was to be near him, focusing instead on the warmth that crept through her veins at his touch. The old life she had ten years ago, the very one she ran away from, unfolded in front of her eyes like a familiar road map, and she never once, since arriving back home, had stopped to ask herself if that was what she really wanted.
She tossed and turned in bed, uncomfortable from the girth of her stomach and the baby pressing against her diaphragm. Sleep evaded her so her mind wandered. She pictured returning to Pittsburgh, to her old life, or rather, some version of it. She considered the notion of moving to Cleveland, Columbus, or somewhere else for a fresh start—devoid of the haunting memories of Brent and her rape.
Then she asked herself what she wanted, what she truly wanted—what kind of a life she saw for herself. And the answer was a relief. She wanted Elliot. Nothing more, nothing less.
She wanted a life with him and everything it encompassed—children, a home, a dog, and a white picket fence. She wanted it all. She wouldn’t give up her photography. In fact, as soon as she gave birth to the baby, she would start looking for jobs. Without Elliot though, nothing seemed to matter. Because a life without him wasn’t as sweet. Life devoid of Elliot would be like living in a colorless world—all black and white, with no sound—when what she really wanted was color. Lots and lots of color.
Lexie moved around the bend where the trees seemed to open into a U, like a great yawning mouth. The grass faded away at her feet, turning to silt and mud where water and earth met.
She closed her eyes. The damp, humid air, the gentle buzzing of nature in the background, and the sweet smell of the woods, water, and earth picked at her memory, releasing with it a thousand images of her and Elliot at this very spot on the lake.
When she opened them, she peered out into the water. In the distance, to her right, a figure stood on a boat, casting his line. Elliot.
Lexie hadn’t planned what she would do if she found him and he wasn’t on shore. He wouldn’t have his cell phone with him—he never kept one on him when he was on the lake fishing, and Lexie’s voice would never carry so far across the water.
She looked around helplessly, cursing herself for not thinking of this scenario, but before she got too angry with herself, her eye caught on something red beneath the boughs of a pine. A canoe.
She walked over to it and peeked inside. Sure enough, there was an oar. She didn’t know whose it was, probably Elliot’s. Knowing him, he hid the canoe under the tree, so he didn’t need to constantly lug it back and forth on his truck.
Lexie pushed on it, but it barely budged, so she tried pushing and pulling from different angles with little luck, only succeeding in budging it an inch closer to the water. Finally, she crouched over the canoe, holding onto both sides, rocking it back and forth, letting the momentum inch it forward. She only hoped no one was watching. No doubt, her crouched over with her belly, rocking the boat was a sight.
Careful not to hurt herself, she continued until the top of the canoe slid into the water’s edge. Holding onto the sides, she awkwardly lowered herself into the canoe with a grunt. She hadn’t even started paddling yet, or rowing—whatever—and she was already exhausted and out of breath. Picking up the oar, she began to row, small, smooth strokes into the water. “The things you do for love,” she mumbled.
Determined, she set her eyes on Elliot and rowed. Only a minute passed before she felt an odd sensation pulling on her midsection, a sort of uncomfortable tightening.
Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.
The tightening increased, but before she could cry for help, Elliot turned toward her to cast and paused. After a moment, he waved both arms over his head, then put his rod down and mercifully steered his trawler in her direction.
He was only yards away when he shouted over the purr of the engine. “What in the world are you doing out here?”
Lexie was tired and still out of sorts. She felt sick and her the stomach continued tightening, sending a flare of irritation down her spine at his question. What did he think I was doing out here?
Smothering her annoyance, she managed to hide her scowl. “I came to find you.”
“You could have hurt yourself out here.” His forehead creased and his weary blue eyes looked as tired as she felt. Dark circles shadowed his eyes, indicating she wasn’t the only one who got very little sleep. “Come on,” he said.
Elliot steered his boat so the right side lined up beside the canoe, then held out both hands for Lexie to hold onto.
Reaching out to him, she gripped his hands tightly, afraid of falling. With a stab of self-consciousness, Lexie allowed him to bare most of her weight as he hoisted her out of the canoe and into his boat.
“I’m okay,” Lexie said, stating the obvious. “I couldn’t go any longer without talking to you though.”
Elliot shifted beside her, close enough for the scent of his cologne to reach her nose, an intoxicating punch to the gut. His hair shined like tarnished gold in the sunlight, curling softly behind his ears and beneath the edges of his faded blue ball cap. The shirt he wore, clung to the hard planes of his chest. He was beautiful, and she itched to touch him.
When she met his penetrating gaze, the intensity in his blue eyes knocked her off balance.
“I’m glad you came. I have something for you,” Elliot said, his voice soft and subdued, giving Lexie the impression that he was still upset with her.
He leaned forward and reached into his back pocket. “Lucky for you, I happen to have it with me. Well, part of it, anyway. I meant to give this to you right after that day at your new place—the one where I came to help you unpack and move in.”
The one where I almost lit the kitchen on fire.
He pulled his wallet out and retrieved a piece of paper from inside, unfolding it before he handed it to her. “Here. It’s a security system. I paid for the installation and the yearly subscription already. They’re supposed to come by Saturday to set it up. I was going to mention it to you the other night at your parents’, but...I didn’t get the chance. I figured I could stop by for the installation. I mean, if you want me to.”
Lexie’s stomach sunk. Elliot had been so thoughtful, so kind this entire time, and how did she repay him? She hid the truth from him about the baby, about the adoption. And when he found out and was angry, she got upset with him. She made him feel unimportant, unwanted, and like his opinion, his place in her life didn’t matter when it did. It really, really did. But she had heard the pain in his voice, in his words, as clearly as if it was written on his face.
She managed a smile. “Thanks. Some men give women roses, but you give security systems.”
Elliot said nothing for a moment as he shifted his gaze back out to the water. He picked his rod up and started attaching a new lure. “If you don’t want the system, I can just cancel it,” he said, his tone edged with something close to anger.
Why did she have to say that? Why did she have to joke like that—because she was nervous? Whatever the reason, she was screwing this up. Expressing her feelings had never been her forte.
“No, I meant it as a joke. This is perfect, very thoughtful. It will make me feel a lot safer in the house. Really.”
Elliot nodded, but said nothing. He lifted his rod and cast into the water, his movements fluid and graceful. Obviously, he wasn’t going to start the conversation they both needed to have. But why should he? He was notably upset, angry even, and she was to blame.
“I came to apologize,” Lexie blurted out.
Elliot paused. Slowly, her turned his attention from the water back to her.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the baby, and I’m sorry I acted as if I was the only one that had a right to be upset by the situation. I was wrong.”
Elliot’s eyes softened. “I thought you were coming to say goodbye.”
Lexie’s frowned. “What? Why? I told you, I’m not leaving.”
“I know, but I finally got you back. I guess this whole time, ever since you came home, I’ve been sitting here waiting for you to leave again. This time, I figured it would be for good.”
Lexie placed her hand over his. “Well, I won’t. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Are you still giving up the baby?”
Lexie sighed. What did she expect? Him not to bring it up again? “I don’t see what other choice I have. It just wouldn’t work. I wouldn’t be giving her the life she deserves if I kept her. I’m sorry, but she needs a loving home, a mother who desperately wants her. Not me.”
Lexie began to pull away, but Elliot caught onto her hand, holding her steady. “I don’t want you to give her up.”
Lexie jaw tightened. “I know. You’ve made that pretty clear.” She paused, recognizing the bitter edge to her voice. “I have a little over two months left, maybe by the time I have her, I’ll change my mind.” Even as she said it though, she knew she wouldn’t. Her mind was made up. There was no turning back.
As if on cue, she felt her stomach tighten like someone wrapped a band around it. The irrational thought that the baby sensed what she was talking about flickered through her mind before she smothered it.
“Does that mean...whatever this is with us...does it have to be over?” she asked.
“I don’t know.” His gaze moved out to the rippling water, unable to meet her eyes. Sun glinted off the surface in a stunning array, like a million crystals dancing on the surface. “What is going on with us Lexie? What am I to you?” he asked.
Lexie’s stomach dipped as a new kind of fear ripped through her—the fear of losing him again. He wanted the baby and she didn’t. Both stood on opposite sides of the fence. Maybe they couldn’t meet in the middle.
She swallowed the lump in her throat. “I don’t know. I love you.”
“But do you want to be with me?” His gaze moved back to hers, his light eyes locking with the darkness of hers.
“Yes,” she whispered. “More than anything. Maybe the way I left was wrong, but I never stopped loving you. I was up all last night thinking about it, about you, and I need you in my life. Not because of all of this.” She motioned toward her stomach. “Maybe it took me leaving to realize just how much, but I want you in my life, desperately. I’m ready to build a life with you. I’m ready for all of it, everything, if you’ll still have me.”
Elliot huffed out a sigh and leaned towards her. He placed one hand on her cheek and the other cupped the back of her head as he rested his forehead against hers for a moment and closed his eyes. “I love you more than anything. I’ve waited so long to hear you say that.” Then he kissed her.
The brush of his lips was gentle, his mouth soft and deliberate. Time melted away as he tipped her head, deepening their kiss. All his emotions soaked through her, giving her the courage to relinquish her own, and the last chink of armor over her heart gave way, flooding her with emotion. She sank all of the pent-up desires of the last ten years into this one kiss.
When he pulled away from her, he traced the line of her jaw with his thumb. He leaned in again, kissing her slowly this time, as if trying to remember every detail, everything about the way her lips moved in time with his, as if they were meant to never part.
He trailed his lips over her face, kissing her forehead, her cheeks, and her neck, then her hands. Lexie shivered, suddenly chilled without his lips on hers, despite the warm afternoon.
He pushed a lock of hair out of her face. “I don’t like it—that you’re giving her up. And I’d be lying if I said that from now until the day you have her, I won’t try to convince you to keep her, because I probably will. She is a part of you. And so, she’s a part of me too. It doesn’t matter who her father is or what kind of man he was, I’d love her like my own. I already do. But all I want is for you to be happy. That’s all I ever wanted. So, I will try to trust in your decision...and accept it.” He winced slightly as if that last admission cost him.
Lexie took Elliot’s hand and held it against her chest and over her heart, which beat wildly above the baby in her womb. She gazed into his eyes—into a depth of love she wasn’t sure she deserved.
Elliot loved the child inside her because it was a part of her. Yet she still couldn’t keep it. He said he would trust in her decision, but how could she deny such a man, one that loved her so wholly, anything at all?