26

conquering shame

you need to know

Shame is a painful emotion that is often at the core of all sexual abuse. It is the burdensome feeling of being unworthy, humiliated, and unloved. Unlike guilt, in which you believe you did something bad, shame tells you that you are bad. Shame is about who you think you are.

my story

I was assaulted many times in my life by people whom I was supposed to trust. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed. These people changed the course of my life, but they didn’t take my life away from me. I had to learn how to live life by working through my shame and embarrassment. Working through my emotions was a learning experience. In my journey, I became a confident woman who found my voice. My voice gave me power, and that power told me I was good, I was strong, and I was a fighter. ~Olivia

It’s important to remember that sexual trauma violates everything you may have believed about the world. At our core, most of us would like to think bad things never happen to good people, or we’d like to think the world is predictable. Because sexual trauma violates our basic beliefs about the world, people sometimes blame the victim as a way to try to make sense of the situation. Unfortunately, that means that other people can also add to your shame. There is no way around it: a big part of healing is overcoming our shame-based thoughts—dealing with thoughts we might be telling ourselves or what we hear from those around us.

You can overcome and conquer shame by identifying the intent behind your shame-based thoughts and challenging them with more accurate ones.

You can identify the intent behind your thoughts by asking, “What is this thought trying to accomplish?” Shame-based thoughts are not productive thoughts; rather they can destroy your sense of security and confidence. Once you identify the purpose behind your shame-based thoughts, the next step is to challenge them.

How to challenge shame-based thoughts:

  1. Look at the pros and cons of your thought. If the cons outweigh the pros, then challenge the shameful thought.
  2. Examine whether your shame-based thoughts are accurate. For example, is it accurate to say “everyone” thinks negatively about you, or is it more accurate to say you feel that a lot of people don’t think kindly of you?
  3. Ask yourself, “What would I say to a friend in a similar situation?”

Here are some examples of shame-based thoughts, their purpose, and how to challenge them.

Example 1

Example 2
  • Shame-based thought: I am a bad person because I didn’t try to fight him off.
  • Purpose: To make me feel weak and vulnerable and that it was all my fault.
  • Challenge: It wasn’t my fault. I did what I had to do to survive so that he didn’t hurt me even more.
Example 3
  • Shame-based thought: I feel ashamed for not saying anything because he did it to someone else.
  • Purpose: To make me feel guilty and responsible for something I didn’t do.
  • Challenge: It wasn’t my fault. I was scared and didn’t think anyone would believe me. I did the best I could to take care of myself.

directions

Take a look at the shame-based thoughts below, identify their purpose, and challenge them like the examples above.

  • Shame-based thought: I deserved what happened to me because I snuck out of the house the night it happened.
  • Purpose:
  • Challenge:
  • Shame-based thought: I feel there must be something about me that seems weak because my aunt said I invited this to happen to me.
  • Purpose:
  • Challenge:

List three shame-based thoughts that you have. Identify their purpose and confront them with more accurate statements.

  • Shame-based thought:
  • Purpose:
  • Challenge:
  • Shame-based thought:
  • Purpose:
  • Challenge:

more to do

Carrying around the weight of shame can feel burdensome and heavy. It can take a toll on you both physically and mentally. By using visualization and metaphors, you can learn to release the hold shame has on your life. Give it a try: Get three small stones. Each stone represents one of the shame-based thoughts you listed above. Take your stones to a water source, such as a stream or pond, or fill a sink or tub with water.

Imagine each stone carrying the weight of the shame you feel. For each of your shame-based thoughts say:

“I am not responsible for [insert shame-based thought], so I am releasing the weight of shame.”

Drop the stone into the water. Imagine the weight of shame leaving your body and mind as the rock sinks into the depths of the water. Take a deep, cleansing breath as the stone’s weight pulls it to the bottom. Repeat this sequence for each shame-based thought. After you drop the last stone, wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a big hug—you deserve one!

words of inspiration

You have no reason to feel ashamed and embarrassed. The person who assaulted you was in the wrong; he or she took your choice away from you. You had no control over what happened to you. You did nothing, absolutely nothing wrong. ~Olivia