Defuse a Challenging Interaction

CONFLICTS STIR UP MANY EMOTIONS, especially negative thoughts and feelings. To successfully manage these disagreements in the moment, you need to address your own emotions as well as those of the other person.

Reframe Negative Thoughts

During difficult interactions, you may begin to question your perceptions about yourself. For example, suppose a direct report says, “I didn’t attend the meeting because I didn’t think you valued my ideas.” In response, you wonder to yourself, “Maybe I’m not a competent manager after all.”

For many people, the sense that their self-image is being challenged creates intense emotions. These feelings can become overwhelming, making it virtually impossible to converse productively about any subject. To experience—and then let go of—difficult feelings:

Focus on the other person’s intentions and on the facts. If you discover that your employee had legitimate reasons for not showing up at a weekly meeting, your annoyance may fade away.

Examine your contributions to the problem. If you realize that you’ve accidentally advised an employee to focus on an unnecessary task, your frustration may dissipate.

Question your assumptions. If you find your belief that a colleague doesn’t value product quality is mistaken, you may feel less anger over her tendency to take shortcuts.

Your goal in reframing negative thoughts is to be able to express your complete range of emotions without judging or blaming the other person.

Neutralize Unproductive Behaviors

Although you can work to manage your own reactions, you can’t control those of the other person in the conflict. Try the techniques in exhibit 3 for dealing with unproductive behaviors:

EXHIBIT 3

Tackling unproductive behaviors
If the other person…	Try to…
Is aggressive and disrespectful	Command respect by remaining calm. Interrupt verbal attacks by repeating the person’s name. Communicate your bottom line: “When you’re ready to speak to me with respect, I will take all the time you want to discuss this.”
Doesn’t listen to your side	Go into the conversation prepared to support your own perceptions and ideas. Redirect the person to your idea or information with phrases such as “I was just wondering…” “Bear with me a minute,” or “What do you suppose…?” Acknowledge that the person possesses valuable knowledge, too.
Has an explosive outburst	Take a break and then continue the conversation. Get the person’s attention by waving your arms and calling their name loudly enough to be heard. Express genuine concern for the person: “Joe, nobody should have to feel this way! I want to help.”
Is uncommunicative	Schedule plenty of time for the person to respond to your ideas and questions. Ask open-ended questions: “What are you thinking?” “How do you want to proceed?” “Where should we go from here?” Gaze expectantly at the person for a longer-than-usual period of time after making a comment or asking a question.
Assumes that the situation can’t get better	Give the person time to consider your plan and get back to you. Bring up and address the negative aspects of an idea before the other person does.

Adapted from “Address Emotions” in the Harvard ManageMentor topic “Difficult Interactions” (Harvard Business Publishing, 2016, electronic)