Sunday Morning
Nothing pleased Lucy more than when Sean cooked—especially breakfast. He’d turned into an amazing chef, which Lucy appreciated since she didn’t particularly like cooking, and when she did try something it never tasted right. Sean had learned to cook as a teenager, though just basics—including the most delicious spaghetti sauce Lucy had ever had. After he and Lucy moved in together, he started experimenting and discovered he enjoyed cooking—much to the satisfaction of Lucy’s stomach.
Today it was basic, but still delicious. Eggs scrambled with cheese, tomatoes, and onions along with bacon and diced potatoes left over from a dinner earlier this week.
Jesse had been quiet last night after he came home from St. Catherine’s, so Lucy was surprised when he said between bites of bacon, “Are you going to church today?”
“I was thinking about it,” she said. She didn’t go every Sunday, but since she had to meet Jerry Walker at the morgue at noon, she’d thought she’d swing by St. Catherine’s beforehand.
“Can I come? Then go hang with Michael and Brian?”
“Sure,” she said, glancing at Sean.
Sean said, “Want me to join you?”
Sean didn’t like organized religion, and he wasn’t Catholic, but he knew it was important to Lucy and he respected Father Mateo.
“You don’t have to,” Jesse said.
Lucy wasn’t going to push religion on Jesse—she was brought up in the faith and it was a deep part of her that provided great comfort during times of trauma and stress. At the same time, she wasn’t going to dissuade him. If Jesse wanted to go, she’d take him. He had been hanging out with the boys a lot, and maybe he felt that would give them another connection.
“I can pick you up after the autopsy—might be four or five,” Lucy said.
“Great. I’ll get changed.” Jesse jumped up and ran upstairs.
Lucy helped Sean clear the table. “That’s odd,” she said.
“Why?”
“I don’t know,” she said. Maybe it was just that it wasn’t expected. “At least it’ll give me the opportunity to talk to him, one-on-one, and see what’s on his mind.”
Sean kissed her. “Thank you. I don’t want to worry so much, but I can’t seem to stop.”
“I suspect that’s part of parenthood.” She smiled at him. “What are your plans for today?”
“I’m testing software for RCK. Once we get this down, Duke will install it and then I’ll have to go out of town for a few days to test it on-site.”
“That’s your favorite part of the job,” Lucy said. Duke’s specialty was designing security systems; Sean’s specialty was breaking into them.
“It is,” he said, “but I’ll miss you. Maybe you and Jess can come with me. We’ll make a vacation of it.”
“That might be fun,” Lucy said. “Where?”
“New York.”
She brightened. “I would love that. I can visit with Suzanne and maybe have dinner with Max and meet her new boyfriend.”
“It would be fun. And we can take an extra day or two and go see a show. I’ll let you know when as soon as I know, so you can ask for the time off.”
On a Sunday morning the drive across town to St. Catherine’s was much faster than during the week. Lucy asked questions about school, soccer practice, how Jesse was adjusting from beautiful California weather to the humidity in Texas. He answered everything, yet it was clear he was going through a mental checklist of what he thought she wanted him to say.
“You know,” she said, “Sean and I are a little concerned because you seem preoccupied. We want to make sure you’re doing okay.”
“I’m fine,” he said. “I don’t want anyone worrying about me.”
“It goes with the territory.”
“Really, I’m fine.” He didn’t say anything for a minute. Then, “My dad seems kind of sad. Is he okay?”
There it was. Jesse was worried about Sean, and that Lucy understood.
“He will be.”
“My grandfather was a jerk when we were out there. I knew it bothered Sean, but he just took it.”
“I don’t understand what you mean.”
“Well, I could see that he wanted to tell my grandfather to fu—I mean knock it off when he started making all these ultimatums and threats. But he didn’t. He just listened and let him be a jerk. But I know it really bugged him.” He paused. “I’m not explaining this well.”
“You mean Sean wasn’t acting like himself.”
“Exactly! He doesn’t just let people treat him like that, and I don’t know why he did it. But he’s been sad since we came home, and I think the whole thing with my grandfather really bothered him. Is still bothering him.”
“You know that has nothing to do with you, right? He is absolutely thrilled that you’re living with us.”
“I know, but—”
“There are no buts.” Sean had a hard time expressing himself to Jesse, partly because he still harbored a lot of guilt about what happened to Jesse’s mother. “You’re Sean’s son, and I am very happy to be your stepmother. We love you, and nothing will change that.”
“Sean doesn’t think I want to live with my grandfather, that’s not why he’s sad, is it? Because I don’t. I made it clear that I want to be here.”
“Of course we know you want to be here. If Sean thought for a minute that you wanted to be with your mother’s family, he would have let you go—no matter how hard that would have been on him. He wants you to be happy, healthy—he wants what’s best for you.” She paused, thinking about what to tell Jesse, and decided that the truth was always best. “I think Sean blames himself for what happened in July. He promised you and your mom that you’d be safe and you were violently taken and your mom died.”
“That wasn’t his fault. My mom should never have come to San Antonio.”
“It’s not your mother’s fault, either. It’s wholly the fault of the people who put together the conspiracy to blackmail your stepfather.”
“And it’s his fault. You’re not letting Carson off the hook, are you?”
She glanced at Jesse. His fists were clenched and he was looking at her as if daring her to argue with him about this. There was a lot of anger there—anger that Sean would understand, and Lucy wished he and Jesse could talk about this more. But she wasn’t lying about the guilt Sean felt deep down.
“Carson is being prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. He’s not going to be free for a long time.”
“He started it!” Jesse shouted. Then, somewhat calmer, he said, “If he didn’t hate my dad so much, he would never have hired someone to kill him, and Mr. Robertson would never have got the idea to kidnap me and my mom and blackmail him. It’s Carson’s fault my mom is dead.”
“You know, it might help you and Sean to talk to someone about all this.”
“I am. I’m talking to you. Oh.” He paused, bit his lip. “I don’t want to talk to a stranger.”
“Psychologists are trained to help people work through situations like this. You were put in the middle of an awful situation. None of it was your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. When people you love and trust let you down, when they do things that hurt you, it’s natural to be angry and conflicted. Plus, you’re grieving. It’s hard to work through all of that on your own.”
“I don’t want to talk to anyone,” he said. “Do you not want to talk about it? Does it bother you to talk?”
“Not at all,” she said, surprised at his empathy that she might have difficulty with any of this. “You want to talk to me about anything, I’m here. About anything, I mean that. Okay?”
“Okay.” They were in the church parking lot, but Lucy left the car on for a minute.
She said, “Sean is working through his own feelings of anger and guilt right now, and that makes it seem like he’s sad. Just knowing that you’re adjusting to everything, that you’re happy here, that’s all that he cares about. If you want to talk about your mom, it’s okay. It won’t upset him. He cared about her at one time, and he loves you.”
“Do you hate her?” he asked quietly.
“No.”
“Why? After everything she did, why don’t you hate her?”
Lucy wondered if Jesse was really thinking about Sean, and using her as a surrogate. Maybe that was why he was having a difficult time talking about his mother to them.
“Your mother loved you. You know she loved you more than anything. She made mistakes, there’s no denying that, but she loved you and she did what she thought was the best thing for you—and for her—at the time. And honestly, I find it takes far too much energy to hate people.”
“What about the people you put in prison? What about the people like the guy who forced Michael and the boys to work for him and kept them locked up? Or Carson who hired a guy to kill Sean? I hate Carson. And I don’t feel bad that I hate him.”
“Just because I don’t hate them doesn’t mean I like them. And I take great comfort in the fact that my job is to put people who commit crimes in prison. They’re being punished, I don’t need to waste emotions on them. You know, Jess, I’m not a saint. It took me a long time to learn how to forgive people. And I’ll admit, sometimes it’s much harder than other times. Sometimes, I reflect on the past and I get angry or upset all over again. That’s why I work really hard not to live in the past.”
“I’m never forgiving Carson.”
“I understand why you feel that way now.”
“I’m not going to change my mind.”
It wouldn’t do Lucy any good to tell Jesse that time would help. And with something like this … well, maybe it was better for him to put all the blame on his stepfather and none on his mother, though she thought part of Jesse’s angst was that he had learned after his mother died that she had known about his stepfather’s illegal activities and had—in some ways—condoned and helped him.
“You have to figure this out for yourself, but that doesn’t mean you have to figure it out by yourself,” she said. “I don’t want you to harbor anger, because it’s not good for you. Just because you forgive someone for things they did to you or someone you love doesn’t mean you have to like them or even respect them. Forgiveness is about you, not them. It’s about giving yourself peace, not granting peace to others.”
“I know,” he said, but in a tone that made her think he didn’t agree with her. Which was fine. All she could do was give him advice that had once helped her—he would find his own path.
Deep down, she felt like a hypocrite. She had done some truly awful things and didn’t regret them. She had killed her rapist in cold blood. And while she did believe that hate was exhausting, she still hated the man, even though he was long dead and buried. The difference now was that she could live a relatively normal life. She might never be normal—but she had a good life. A life filled with friends and family she loved. A life built on a solid career that she was proud of. The other stuff she had to keep locked up. Because that cold, dark rage nine years ago was at times just beneath the surface … and it wouldn’t take much to bring it out.
She turned off the car. “Just know, Jess, Sean and I will always be here for you.”
He spontaneously hugged her. She squeezed him, blinking back tears.
She wished with all her heart that Jesse was her son. But she didn’t think she could love him more if he were.