I have a young son who is fixated on superheroes. (I know, WEIRD, RIGHT?) Part of my role as his mum is to do a lot of: ‘You don’t need a cape to be a superhero, because there is already a superhero inside of you’ gear. I feel like a bit of a tool doing this speech all the time, or like I am an embellished extra in a family insurance TV ad, but I also really, really mean it. He needs to know that he is capable of magic already. No nylon costume or fictional gadget/skill required.
As a parent, you’re charged with the duty of making your children know they are valuable, interesting, powerful members of the human race, and that doesn’t change (even if that fucking Riddler insists on causing havoc).
Now, you’re not my son (or ARE you?) but guess what? You get the same message. Lucky you! (And if you’re super lucky, you might even get a glass of warm milk before bed and a C– version of Jack and the Beanstalk.)
To be clear – and never is there a more pertinent time to hear this than when you’re flying solo across life – soaking it all in, and sorting it all out:
You are invincible. You don’t need anything from anybody, ’cos you can get it yourself. You are enough. You are wonderful. You have flaws and you will make mistakes, but that’s part of life’s glorious and ridiculous journey. So long as you learn from your failures (’cos without failure there is no growth or evolution), all is as it should be.
No one can let you down, if you don’t look to people for validation and happiness. People can’t let you down or disappoint you if you don’t expect them to complete you, or make you happy. Or, in other words, if you are already having a fantastic time in life, you’re not gonna settle for a relationship that is minus fantastic, right?
At risk of sounding like a quote on a sparkly diary, if you are able to be you and do you in a way that is healthy, and fulfilling, and makes you feel empowered and useful and like you are living a generous, wholehearted, truthful, satisfying life, then you’re set to get a whole lot more out of life, and other people.
That’s not to say you must become a rigid, unfeeling robot who doesn’t need love and affection because you’ve got you and you are all you need. No! Humans need community and compassion and communication and company to survive. This is not a solo performance. But if you don’t look to others to finish, or fulfil you, or make your life complete, you give yourself the best possible head start to finding a very real, very compatible, very excellent mate.
Self-love plus gratitude is a magnificent way to Do Life.
It also happens to be wildly attractive, but that’s by the by.
I struggle to make conversation with guys, especially guys who are attractive or I have a thing for. I have no idea what to make conversation about! Any tips? —S.
On the scale of Being Alone In This, you are at around –100. ALL of us struggle talking to people we think are total dreamboats, and those who don’t are just better at hiding it. It’s perfectly normal, and extremely frustrating. The key is to treat hunks like anyone else you have small talk with. As though he’s just a mate. Like you’ve known him since kindy and he used to wet his pants right before the last bell each day. Here are some more concrete and less urine-based tips:
When you see him, take a deep breath, smile and: FAKE IT. Just pretend to be confident: act like a confident person, do what they would do. You might accidentally start being confident once you’re feeling competent; it’s a wonderful little trick. Whether you’re faking or actually summoning every last drop of your confidence: you’ve got this! Enjoy it! It’s 240 tiny seconds of your life! You can handle basic weather chat!
Don’t babble. Pretend you’re on conversational rations for the day and you mustn’t use them all up. Say a sentence, then stop and smile. What will feel weirdly slow to you will actually be a normal-pace conversation.
Joke around. Tease and be mischievous. Give him some gentle stick about something – his filthy shoes, his always running late, his coffee addiction. Playfulness is the cornerstone of flirting.
Pretend you’ve ‘just’ done or come from something great, even if it’s just scoffing amazing salted caramel gelato from that place in the city, and, hey, has he been there? BOOM.
Bring up something or someone you both know, and ask how it is/they are.
Finally, and this is the real power move: pretend and act like he has a crush on YOU, and you keep having to knock him back, and it’s really tiresome. The power shift will amaze you, you sweet, pretend-megalomaniac.