As the relationship columnist for Cosmopolitan for eight years, I got a tidy amount of email from women who were stuck a few kilometres short of a (potential) relationship and weren’t sure how to get to Full Relationship status.

Some were yet to date or hook up with someone but felt like something might be there. Or they’d been hooking up for a while and were starting to fall a bit in love, and weren’t sure where they stood. Some simply didn’t have a clear idea about what should happen next, or if this person was relationship potential, or what this guy/girl was thinking, and at the crux of it they wanted some fucking answers, thank you very much.

These women were tortured and frustrated, but as Phil Collins will testify, you can’t hurry love. Well, actually, there might be one way. It’s called ‘casting a spell’ and all you need are three pine cones, your local wizard, and two female newts. But seriously, newts are too expensive these days; we all know that, so try frosting instead.

Frosting is great. It’s not as harsh as your standard freeze-out, but it is elegant and effective enough to cool things down to a temperature that gives everyone some space and time to figure out what they want.

HOW TO FROST

Once you’ve recognised you’re in romantic purgatory and feeling confused about where things stand (for example: they are playing it too cool, or they are a friend and it would be awkward to bring it up, or neither of you is bold enough to make a call, or you’re both super single and seeing other people, or there is a chance it might not be mutual and you don’t want to put yourself out there, etc. etc.), you may commence frosting.

And by that I mean: stop communicating with them. No emails, texts, or witty social media bon mots.

But here’s the catch, you have to let them know that you won’t be in touch for a bit. This keeps it transparent, honest and non-head-gamey. Something like, ‘Hey, so, this little thing we have at the moment is great fun, but I’ve come to realise it’s confusing me, so maybe we both just cool it on the catch-ups and contact for a while . . . Thanks!’ The goal is to be sweet and casual, ’cos it’s no biggie.

You’re not frosting to passive-aggressively force results. You’re doing it because you’re a smart, self-assured woman who knows that when something isn’t moving forward (or good for you), releasing your fixation and letting it work itself out is the best way to replace confusion with clarity.

I promise you that in the silence that follows, you will find your answer, because when you’re PROPERLY out of each other’s lives for a bit, you can really think about what you mean to each other. Absence won’t unquestionably make the heart grow fonder (see a few paragraphs down) but it will force the heart to conclude how it’s feeling. And that is what you need. Some answers.

Now, most people will respond accordingly, and give you your space, but if they don’t, and send you texts or emails as per usual, give them one cute, fun, NBD reminder about what’s going on, then after that, simply don’t respond. If you run into each other or are at the same party, be your usual smiley, awesome self, have a little chat, but don’t hang around. Even if your legs wobble and your heart falls through your feet as you walk away. (And, um, definitely don’t make out with them. Just to be clear.)

You will not get the result you’re after if you cut corners with frosting. It will be hard and it will hurt like heck, but it must be thorough, and for a minimum of two to three weeks. Otherwise just don’t bother. Stay in that painful, unknowing limbo instead! Fun!

Be assured that eventually something will give. And unless you’ve decided you’re better off without this person, let them come to you with some kind of realisation/decision.

Although it is my deepest wish that they scale your apartment building and present you with poetry and flowers after a month of being deprived of your company and contact, you must go into this knowing that they might not. In fact, they might rack off altogether, or not even seem to notice you’ve frosted. (If they fall off the face of the earth, that counts as a decision, by the way.)

This is heartbreaking. But it is also AN ENORMOUS GIFT, because if you didn’t frost them, you might have stayed in the waiting room of love for another six months, only to find out at the end they weren’t interested in taking it any further.

Conversely, they might break down after a fortnight and tell you they miss you terribly, and they had no idea how much you meant, and can you please meet for a coffee immediately if not yesterday. This does happen (particularly if you’ve been making yourself too available, and then suddenly switch the tap off).

Or! You might realise you don’t miss this person and, in fact, they weren’t half as awesome as you thought, what with those lazy late-night texts and atrocious follow-through with dates. Who can say what will transpire once you extract yourself from the situation and get some perspective. (Probably a lot of strutting.)

Whatever happens, I assure you you’ll have some kind of answer as to how you feel about this person, and vice versa. Frosting shows them that you have the self-worth and self-confidence not to accept second best, or half-relationships, or to allow yourself to be used in the name of casual hook-ups, when big feelings arise.

The answer may not be the one you were hoping for (I’m sorry) but please really, really understand that any answer is better than none at all, because being stuck in romantic limbo is super fucked, and punishment ill-suited to a dreamboat like you with so much self-respect and so much love to give and such terrific hair.

I’ve had a guy best friend for eight years and we’ve developed feelings for each other. I really like him but he now has a girlfriend . . . which came out of the blue because he told me he liked me! Everyone tells me to be happy for them and I’m trying, but I feel I’m losing my best friend and probably the love of my life. Should I tell him how I feel or stay quiet? —K.

Ah, the old friend-becomes-more-then-moves-on scenario. About as stress-free as putting toothpaste back in its tube.

Obviously, you aren’t going to be the Girl Who Breaks Up a Relationship, even if you don’t quite believe in its authenticity, because that’s a shitty thing to do. I recommend having a face-to-face conversation with him, where you calmly, confidently tell him that because of new feelings that have surfaced, you need a break from the friendship. Be sure to tell him you are very happy for him, and you wish him nothing but joy with his new lady, and I strongly encourage you to mean it because being angry with him/them helps the situation precisely zero. In fact, the more he feels you are genuinely fine about it, and are now just going to get on with your life without him, the more he will miss you, and wonder how and why you can be so fine about it when you are supposed to be in love with him, and ohmygod, perhaps he is at risk of losing your friendship and whatever else you two may become one day!

(It’s a clever little reversey thing; now he’s assessing everything VERY clearly like you were.)

(You’re welcome.)

The key to all of this is being absolute in your backing-off. No contact, no texting, no nothing. The (eventual – this could take months) result will be helpful either way: either he happily carries on with his relationship and you have the (heartbreaking) answer you need to move on, or he realises that he misses you dreadfully, and you are far too important to let slip away, taking action accordingly.

One final (sad) important note is that once one party has feelings for the other in a platonic friendship, that friendship is already over, changed forever. This could be for the supreme positive, though, so chin up, sugarplum.