Laura looked up from her book when she heard the bedroom door open, smiling instantly at the woman in the rumpled sleepwear. “Hey there. How you feeling?”
“I’m...I’m okay,” Toni said quietly. Seeing a bunch of her clothes stacked on a nearby chair and her small suitcase sitting next to it on the floor, she asked, “Why’s my stuff here?”
“Kris and I didn’t think you’d want to go back to your place, so we grabbed everything we could carry last night and brought it over here for safekeeping.”
“Oh.”
It was clear to Laura that Toni was totally out of her element. Her eyes darted around the room as she continued to clutch her pajama top tight against her bosom, and her face, already pale, grew more ashen. Believing that the last thing the woman needed was to be mothered, Laura stayed on the sofa, giving Toni a few moments to get used to her surroundings, but when Toni began to sway, Laura jumped up and ran to her side.
“I think you had better sit down before you fall down,” she said, guiding Toni to the couch.
“I’m fine,” Toni said, sinking into the sofa.
“So you’re saying you always sway like that.”
“Just a bit unsteady. Still waking up. What time is it?”
“Almost five.”
“Oh. I...I should get ready for work,” Toni said, trying to stand. “Can you take me to get my car?”
“Toni, it’s Friday night.”
“What?”
“You were exhausted and I didn’t see a need to wake you. I called work this morning and had Irene rearrange our schedules.”
“Oh...okay,” Toni said, staring off into space. “That’s fine.”
Eyeing the woman for a moment, Laura tried her best to remain nonchalant. “Hey. You hungry?”
“What?”
“Toni, when was the last time you ate anything?”
“Huh?”
“Did you have dinner last night?”
“Oh...um...no, I don’t think so.”
“Well, how about I make us something to eat?”
Thinking for a moment, Toni said, “If it’s okay, I mean...I’d like to get cleaned up a bit. That is, if you don’t mind?”
“Of course I don’t. Bath or shower?”
“What?”
“Do you want a bath or a shower?”
Toni was uncomfortable, and it was beginning to show. Coffee conversations were one thing, but sitting in Laura’s lounge, dressed in pajamas, made her uneasy. She didn’t like new. She didn’t like change, and the more she looked around at the unfamiliar surroundings, the more nervous Toni was becoming. Running her fingers through her hair, she croaked, “I don’t think I can do this.”
“Yes, you can. Be right back,” Laura said, picking up the suitcase. Giving Toni a quick smile, Laura ran up the stairs and left the woman alone with her thoughts.
Sitting tight-kneed and rigid on the overstuffed sofa, Toni nervously rubbed the back of her neck as she looked around the room. By the thick wood moldings and the high ceilings, it was clear that Laura’s house had been built long before the age of “less is more.” The front wall housed a bay window, the seat of which was covered in small, mosaic tiles of brown, tan and gold. A few houseplants sat near the panes of glass, and a row of votive candles, in glass cups of dark green, lined the front edge. In lieu of draperies, each window had Roman shades, and the fabric, a muted pattern of yellow, green and tan stripes, accented the soft yellow of the walls perfectly.
To her right was a small fireplace. Covered in flagstone, it was capped by a thick, white mantle and above it hung a simple watercolor of two lilies reaching for the sun. Like many of the older homes, built-in storage units flanked the hearth, but those in Laura’s lounge were low to the ground and acted as window seats. The fabric on their cushions as well as the sofa was off-white, but while the ones under the windows were solid in color, the sofa’s upholstery had a light olive leaf design running through it.
“Are these okay?”
Startled from her thoughts, Toni looked up to see Laura holding a pair of her pajamas in her hand.
“What?”
“Never mind,” Laura said, handing Toni the clothes. Pointing to the stairs, she said, “First door on the left. I ran you a bath.”
“I didn’t ask you to do that.”
“No, you didn’t, but I think after the night you had, a long soak in a hot tub is just what the doctor ordered, don’t you?”
“I shouldn’t be here.”
“What? All of a sudden you don’t like my company?”
Shaking her head, Toni asked, “Why are you doing this?”
“Give me one reason why I shouldn’t.”
***
Toni couldn’t remember the last time she had taken a bath. Her apartment had only a shower, crammed into the tiny bathroom as if an afterthought and Thornbridge had offered even less. There, her weekly wash took place in a large, tiled room filled with other women, all fighting for position under the shower heads suspended from the ceiling, hoping that the drizzly spray of tepidness could wash away a week’s worth of dirt.
She couldn’t help but grin at the mountains of bubbles that floated on the water and the smell of strawberries and cream that filled the air, but as she put her foot in the water, she hissed. It was hot, the type of hot that takes one’s breath away, but nevertheless, you crave more. Toni wanted the heat to surround her, to soak into her pores and extract the tension of the last twenty-four hours, and as she lowered herself into the water, it did just that. She washed and scrubbed and then relaxed against the back of the claw foot tub, allowing seconds to turn into minutes, content in listening to the sound of the bubbles as they slowly faded away.
When the water cooled enough to cause goose bumps to appear on Toni’s skin, she climbed out, pulled the chain and allowed the water to escape. Drying herself with a fluffy green towel that Laura had left folded on the sink, Toni stopped when she caught sight of her reflection in the mirror.
The bruises were long since gone, but she could still see them, and while many of the scars had also disappeared, they still existed in her mind. Under her left breast was one that would never go away, put there by a rotund guard whose belt was long and heavy-buckled. He had stood there in the shadows and chortled as he inflicted yet another punishment, and the sound of his laughter echoed through her brain. Running her fingers over the scar, she heard the crack of leather in the air and she winced, remembering the pain of that night.
Mentally, Toni shook her head and reached for the pair of pajamas Laura had picked out for her. They were Toni’s favorite pair, and she wondered how Laura knew. Dark red and softened by dozens of washings, she pulled them over her long legs and smoothed the flannel, welcoming their comfort and their warmth. They made her feel safe...and she liked that.
As she gathered her things, making sure she hadn’t forgotten anything, Toni noticed a pair of thick, wooly socks knotted in a ball on the sink. Soft and bulky, she knew they weren’t hers, but she also knew they were meant for her. Pulling them on, she softly padded from the room.
Returning to the lounge, the first thing Toni noticed was her clothes were missing from the chair, and the second thing made her mouth water. Following her nose, she hesitantly walked into the kitchen and silently watched as Laura fiddled with something on the stove.
It felt odd to be there. To be in a place cozy and filled with home-cooked aroma was new. She knew that just under the surface her fears existed, but for now, for this split-second of her life, it felt good to be alive.
Laura turned and discovered Toni standing in the doorway. “Hey there. Feel better?”
“Yeah,” Toni said, looking down. “Thanks for the socks.”
Laura glanced down and smiled. “The floors get cold, and I couldn’t remember packing any of your slippers.”
“I don’t own any,” Toni said as she looked toward the lounge. “Speaking of packing, where are my clothes?”
“Oh, I put some in the wardrobe in your room and the rest are on your bed. The dresser is empty, so feel free to use it.”
“You act as if I’m going to be here for more than just today.”
“Well, Kris said they were going on a two-week holiday, and between my schedule and yours, that doesn’t leave a lot of time for apartment hunting, so I thought we’d just wait until they got back.”
“Two weeks? I can’t stay here for two weeks!”
“Why not?”
Toni stopped and tried to come up with a valid argument. The only place she had ever felt safe was safe no longer. Her flat held memories of an intrusion now, a violation of her existence and no matter how many new locks could be put on the door, it would never be enough. “I...I just don’t want to intrude. That’s all.”
Placing some plates on the table, Laura chuckled softly. “Toni, you’re not going to intrude. This house isn’t huge, but there’s plenty of space for both of us. Now what do you want to drink with dinner?”
***
Laura had made a chicken and rice casserole, and while it was a simple recipe, her guests had always asked for seconds, all of them except for Toni.
“Let me get you some more,” Laura said, reaching for the pan.
“No, I’m fine, Laura. I don’t really eat very much.”
Laura knew Toni was telling the truth. She had stopped by Toni’s classroom enough in the past few months that seeing her eat half of a sandwich for lunch had become commonplace. Even when they had gone out to dinner that one time, to a restaurant known for its large portions, Toni had ordered the smallest filet on the menu.
About to clear the dishes, Laura stopped when she noticed Toni frowning. “What’s wrong?”
“I...I want to apologize for what happened last night,” Toni said, staring at the table. “I didn’t mean to hit you or...or push you. I was just scared.”
“I know you were.”
Raising her eyes to meet Laura’s, Toni whispered, “I still am.”
“Of me?”
“Of everything,” Toni said, drawing in a ragged breath. “Of being here. Of not being able to go back to my flat. Of people and strangers, and places I haven’t been. Everything.”
“Toni—”
“Look, I was thinking, maybe I can get a room at Calloway for a while.”
“There aren’t any rooms open, and even if there were, you can’t stay there. You don’t belong there.”
“I don’t belong anywhere.”
“You used to.”
Toni sat in silence, trying to remember what it was like to be whole...to be her. That person had all but disappeared now, but like dust particles floating in the air, tiny fragments of memories swirled in her mind. Remembrances of dinner parties with colleagues and drinking with friends and brief flickers of evenings requiring tuxedos, and mornings when she awoke in the arms of another went in and out of her mind at breakneck speed. The collage of images seemed familiar, but they also felt foreign and false, as if they’d been put there by somebody else.
“That person is dead, Laura,” Toni said with no emotion in her voice. Getting to her feet, she went to her bedroom, closing the door on her memories, her pain, and on the woman who was trying to be her friend.
***
Saturday was a quiet day in the MacLeod household. Laura tapped away on her laptop, entering information, working on reports and compiling data while Toni remained sequestered in the guest room, making an appearance only once when she came out for coffee.
By early afternoon, Laura began to worry. Scanning over the travel plans that Kris had left her, she picked up her phone and called Toni’s best friend.
“Hi, it’s Laura.”
“Hey. How’s Toni? Everything all right?”
“It’s kind of hard to tell. She’s only come out of her room for dinner last night and coffee this morning.”
“She’s out of her element.”
“Tell me about it,” Laura said with a sigh. “Kris, what do you know about her not eating?”
“She’s not eating?”
“Well, no, last night she had some dinner, but honestly, a three-year-old could have eaten more, and this morning, all she’s had is coffee, and when I offered to make her something, she refused. Said she wasn’t hungry.”
“Honestly, I’m not sure. She’s been like that since she got out of Thornbridge. She only eats so much, and that’s it, except when she was pissed off at you over that apple thing. She devoured half a pizza that night.”
“She likes pizza?”
“Doesn’t everyone?”
“Kris, do you know what her favorite food is?”
“Oh, that’s easy. Lasagna.”
“Lasagna?”
“Yeah, back in the day, she could finish off a whole one all on her own.”
“Wow.”
“Tell me about it. It used to piss me off how much she could eat without gaining any weight. She’s got the metabolism of a bloody horse, that one.”
Although tickled by the jealousy she heard in Krista’s voice, Laura stayed on track. “Anything else?”
“Sorry?”
“Foods, drinks…snacks?”
“Laura, what are you trying to do, fatten her up?”
“No, I’m trying to get her to talk to me.”
“By feeding her lasagna?”
“Well, it’s better than an apple, isn’t it?”
***
Toni spent her day lying on the bed, staring at four walls and a window. It had been easy to construct walls around her mind and her heart. Prison had taught her that, and over the past few years, she had managed to keep Krista at bay, her questions silenced by a look or a threat, but Laura was different and Toni didn’t know why. Hearing the knock, Toni sighed. It wasn’t even easy to keep doors closed when Laura was around. “Come in.”
The door opened just a smidge and Laura peeked in. “Dinner will be ready in fifteen minutes, and I’m not taking no for an answer.”
“I’m not—”
Pushing the door open, Laura glared at the woman on the bed still dressed in red pajamas. “Don’t start with me, Miss Vaughn. I didn’t spend my afternoon making you your favorite dinner just to have you tell me you’re not hungry. Now get out of that bed, put on some clothes, comb your hair and meet me in the kitchen.”
Before Toni could utter a syllable, Laura closed the door on the conversation leaving Toni to contemplate the consequences if she didn’t follow the orders she had just been given. Remembering Laura’s temper when her arm was injured, Toni climbed out of bed and began to get dressed.
After putting on jeans and a T-shirt, along with what was rapidly becoming her favorite pair of socks, Toni opened the door and found herself surrounded by the smell of something delicious. Quietly walking to the kitchen, she saw the table set with plates and glasses, and a bottle of Chianti at the ready.
“You’re late.”
Laura meant it as a joke. Something to lighten the mood and calm Toni’s worries, but her playful reprimand had done just the opposite. Toni immediately stuffed her hands in her pockets and stared at the floor.
“Toni, I’m sorry. I was just kidding. You’re not late and even if you were, it’s okay. That’s what they make microwaves for.”
Raising her eyes, Toni noticed a foil-covered casserole on the counter. “What’s that?”
“Lasagna. I was told it’s your favorite,” Laura said, removing the foil.
“You talked to Krista?”
“Yeah, I called her this morning.”
“Why?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” Laura said, carrying the food to the table. “Maybe because she’s your friend, and she’s worried about you. I wanted to let her know that you were doing okay.”
“And she just happened to mention that I liked lasagna?”
“No, I asked her what your favorite food was.”
“Why?”
It would have been easy to make up a story, but lying to Toni would never, ever be an option and Laura knew that. “Because I wanted to fix you something that you wouldn’t be able to say no to. That’s why.”
“Why are you doing this?” Toni asked, but remembering Laura’s patented response, she held up her hands. “I know. I know. Give me a reason why you shouldn’t.”
Positively beaming, Laura motioned for Toni to sit. “It’s nice to see that you’ve been paying attention.”
***
An hour later, Laura covered the barely eaten casserole, picked up her glass of wine and went to the lounge where she found Toni sitting in the corner of the sofa, staring off into space. “I guess you didn’t like it.”
Slowly, Toni looked in Laura’s direction. “No, it was good.”
“You hardly ate anything.”
“I’m fine.”
Abby had cautioned her not to push Toni too hard, but Laura’s heart told her she needed to push. So, remembering that anger was definitely an emotion, she said, “You certainly like playing the martyr, don’t you, Toni.”
Toni’s head snapped up, and jumping off the sofa, she glared at Laura. “What the fuck gives you the right to say that? You have no idea what I’ve been through! You’ve got no fucking clue!”
Storming to her room, Toni slammed the door and began gathering clothes, emptying drawers and hangers like a dervish out of control. Tossing everything on the bed, she didn’t stop until the door opened and Laura came in. “Talk to me, Toni.”
“No!”
“Toni, please—”
“No!”
Seeing the pile of clothes on the bed, Laura asked, “What are you doing?”
“I’m leaving!”
“You can’t.”
“Why the fuck not?”
With her face filled with sadness, Laura looked at Toni and waited until reality struck home.
It only took a second, but then Toni she remembered she had no other place to go. “Fuck!” she said, collapsing on the edge of the bed. “Fuck!”
“Toni, please talk to me.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because it hurts!” Toni shouted, glaring in Laura’s direction.
Laura’s heart broke when she saw the anguish in Toni’s eyes. Quietly, she said, “It can’t possibly hurt more than holding it in.”
“Leave it be, Laura. Please, just leave it be.”
There it was. Laura couldn’t believe it when she heard it, but there was the slightest inflection of wavering in Toni’s voice. A hint of maybe, a sliver of yes, an octave change telling Laura what she needed to know...Toni was no longer sure she could hold it in.
Hesitating for only a moment, Laura whispered, “Tell me why you ration your food?”
Toni’s lungs emptied in a rush. Bowing her head, she said in a breath, “Please...please don’t do this.”
In that instant, something changed between them. Laura was a hair’s breadth away from getting Toni to talk, and they both knew it...and they were both scared.
Unsure of what to do or what to say, Laura didn’t move. Twice she opened her mouth to speak, but the words weren’t there until Toni raised her eyes. Darkened with despair and glassy with tears, they told Laura what she needed to know. Going over, she sat on the bed and without hesitation, placed her hand over Toni’s. “Talk to me, Toni. Make me understand.”
“Oh, God…please. Please, I can’t do this.”
“Yes, you can, Toni. Yes, you can.”
Toni swallowed hard. Her mind was a hurricane of thoughts, of reasons why and of reasons why not, and the barrage was dizzying. She took a deep breath and then another, trying to decide. Could she do this? Did she dare? Was it worth it? Would it help? Glancing at Laura for a moment, Toni lowered her eyes, and in a voice soft and calm, she did what Laura asked.
“It was one of their mind-fuck games. It was one of their many mind-fuck games. There were a few like me, put there because they had pissed off the wrong guard, but we weren’t insane and the screws knew it. They had ways of getting to all of us, trying to break us, to make us like those poor women in the padded cells…the ones that screamed all night long. The guards would watch us, wait for us to make the tiniest mistake, and then they’d send us down the block.” Looking up, Toni asked, “Can I smoke in here?”
Without giving it a second thought, Laura said, “Sure. Hold on.” While Toni quickly lit a cigarette and hungrily pulled the smoke into her lungs, Laura got up and opened a window. Retrieving an ashtray from the kitchen, Laura rushed back into the bedroom, handing it to Toni as she sat down.
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
Taking another drag, as the smoke slowly exited her nose, Toni said, “You’re supposed to get three meals a day on the block, at least that’s what it said in the rule book, but they made up their own rules in Thornbridge.”
“What do you mean?”
“Sometimes I’d only get two, and sometimes only one. There was no pattern, so there was no way of knowing when I’d get my next meal, or if I’d get my next meal. There were days when I’d get breakfast and dinner, but they’d skip lunch, and other times I’d get lunch and dinner, but no breakfast…and then they started skipping entire days.”
“Jesus Christ,” Laura said under her breath.
“At first, it was only a day, but then one morning I woke up to find a pitcher of water in my cell, and I didn’t see anyone for two days. It didn’t take me long to realize I had to ration what they gave me, so I’d separate the food into small piles. Things that would spoil quicker, I’d eat first, but stuff like bread and vegetables, they’d last longer. Sometimes I was wrong and I’d get sick, but after a while, I got pretty good at it.”
Toni stubbed out her cigarette and looked Laura straight in the eye. “You don’t know how it feels to think you’re going to die. To count the hours, knowing that as each one passed, you’re getting closer and closer to death...and there’s nothing you can do about it. I was in a place where no one could hear my screams. Surrounded by stone walls, damp with mold, and toilets that didn’t work, and silence that was so fucking deafening, so deadly...and each day I’d make my peace with God, expecting it to be my last, but it never was.”
She had spoken as if she had been reading from a book, refusing to allow emotions long since buried to appear, but when Toni saw the tears in Laura’s eyes, her resolve was destroyed. Choking back her tears, Toni said, “I’m afraid that if my belly gets filled, someone will take away the food again.”
“Oh, Jesus,” Laura said, her eyes overflowing with tears. “Oh, my God, Toni. I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
“I know what happened was a mistake. I know that I’m free and cleared of everything, but I keep thinking that someone’s going to change their mind, and I’m going to be sent back to that place...and I have to be ready.”
“Toni, they closed Thornbridge. I thought you knew that.”
“I know it’s closed, but it still exists up here,” Toni said, tapping her head. “Every day and every night and every meal…it’s still there.”
“So, are you saying that what you ate tonight is enough for you? I mean, that you’re not still hungry?”
“I’m always hungry, Laura,” Toni said, wiping the tears from her face. “But it’s enough to keep me alive.”
Taking a shuddering breath, Laura squeezed Toni’s hand. “Come on. Let’s go get you something more to eat.”
“I know you mean well, but it’s not that easy. It’s like my stomach’s full, and I can’t...I can’t take another bite. I just can’t.”
“Well, then how about you keep me company? I’m still a bit hungry, and I hate to eat alone.”
“I won’t be having any more.”
“Okay, but you can have another glass of wine, can’t you?”
“I know what you’re doing,” Toni said, getting to her feet. “Like I said, it’s not that easy.”
Smiling, Laura stood up and walked to the door. “But there’s no reason why we can’t try, is there? Besides, we have a bottle of Chianti to finish.”