It had been a spur-of-the-moment idea, but lying in bed that night, the more Laura thought about it, the more it made sense. Toni had locked herself in a box. A dark, gray box filled with the noise and pollution of the city and the chaos of crowds, with buildings blocking out the sun and people too busy to remember what life was about. They had forgotten about green pastures and rivers swirling with life, and being lulled to sleep by the sound of insects buzzing in the darkness. They had dismissed from their minds forests filled with the wonderment of God, containing trees so tall they seemed to reach the clouds, and instead, they shuffled from pubs to cinemas, filling their bellies with alcohol and their minds with make-believe. They didn’t know that tranquility was within their grasp. A short flight or a long drive would take them to a place where advertising didn’t line the roads. Where air still tasted like air and where you could sit for hours amidst the fields of green…and feel safe.
Every week, they talked on the phone, and rarely a day went by without an email being exchanged, but Laura hadn’t seen her mother in months. Too busy with work and with Toni, Laura had been remiss in her daughter duties, and she knew it. With her father deciding he liked the life of a fisherman more than that of a husband and a father, it had only ever been Laura and her mother, and Laura had no regrets. While she had complained about her mother’s concern over her marital state or lack thereof, in her heart, Laura knew that her mother only wanted the best for her. So, in the wee hours of the morning, Laura picked up the phone and told her mum she was coming home for a visit.
Four hundred miles away, Eleanor hung up the receiver, slid her feet into her slippers and shuffled to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Turning on her laptop, she opened her email account and began re-reading the dozens of messages she had received from Laura over the past several months. They spoke of a job she seemed to love and of boyfriends old and new, but those subjects seemed to be secondary to the one called Toni Vaughn. Although she had never met the woman, through Laura’s words, Eleanor had come to know the elusive teacher, a woman wrongfully convicted and sentenced to hell, and it made her proud to know she had raised a daughter so willing to help someone so wronged. But as the emails kept coming, she began to wonder how long it would take Laura to realize what Eleanor already knew.
There had never been secrets between them. They only had each other, and with that came a trust that most parents would give their right arm for. Eleanor knew when her daughter had lost her virginity and to whom, and she knew about Laura’s many boyfriends and all the failed relationships. She had heard the complaints, dried the tears and giggled at her daughter’s stubbornness when it came to the male of the species. She also knew that until tonight, Laura had never asked to bring anyone home other than Abby, but Abby was Laura’s closest friend. Toni Vaughn was not. She was something more, of that Eleanor was certain.
Laura was her pride and joy. Eleanor had raised a girl to be a woman the only way she knew how, and there had never been a day in her life when she wasn’t proud that Laura was hers, and Eleanor was not about to start now. Other parents could turn their backs on their children, give them ultimatums or threaten their inheritance, but as far as Eleanor was concerned, they were idiots. Children are much too precious to be tossed aside simply because they want to live their lives.
Pushing aside the teacup, Eleanor opened a cabinet, got a glass and poured herself a small brandy. Going out the back door, she stood on the slate, looked up at the stars and smiled. Raising her glass to the sky, she silently thanked God for giving her such a wonderful child, finished her drink and then walked back inside.
***
“Why aren’t you packed?”
“I can’t bloody do this.”
“Yes, you can.”
“No, I can’t,” Toni said, sitting on the edge of the bed. “Laura, you’re asking too much of me. You’re pushing too hard.”
Laura frowned. Toni was right. It had taken months to get Toni to take the tiniest of steps, and it had only been a few weeks since Laura had suggested they go to Scotland on holiday during the last break at Calloway before fall classes began. Sitting down next to Toni, she said, “I’m sorry.”
“I know you mean well, but things like this are hard for me. I get so bloody scared.”
“I lose sight of that sometimes,” Laura said quietly. “You do so well around here and at work. I forget that you’re still afraid of so much.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’ve got nothing to be sorry about.”
“Go without me. Okay?”
“Is that what you want?”
Hanging her head, Toni said, “Yeah. I think it’s best.”
“Then that’s what I’ll do, but I’ll miss your company,” Laura said, touching the back of Toni’s hand.
As Laura walked from the room, Toni stared at the floor, unable to tell the woman that she’d miss her, too. When had Laura become so important? When did conversations over breakfast and dinner seem to make each day start and end so perfectly? When did pleasing someone else begin to matter?
Filling a travel mug with coffee, Laura tightened the lid and walked from the kitchen, but stopped short when she found Toni standing at the foot of the stairs with suitcase in hand.
Holding her breath, Laura asked softly, “Going somewhere?”
“Are you still planning to drive?”
“That was the plan.”
“You...you still keep a paper sack in your handbag?”
“Never leave home without it.”
“Well, then...you want some company?”
***
Although Laura had grown up in Stirling, after she had moved to England, her mother purchased a home in an area called Carron Bridge. Just north of Falkirk and south of Stirling, it offered a slightly quieter life in a country setting. Near enough to the cities that Eleanor could continue her duties as an estate agent, but far enough away that she could forget about work when she got home.
Since climbing into the car, Toni hadn’t said a word. Preferring to just stare out the window and watch the world whiz by, it wasn’t until they were two hours into the trip, when she finally spoke. “Does your mother know you’re bringing a guest?”
Startled, Laura glanced at her passenger. “Yes, she knows.”
“Does she know about me? I mean…the way I am?”
“I’ve told her a bit. She and I have never had many secrets, but I didn’t give her all the details. I told her you had spent some time in prison, but you were released when evidence proved you innocent. I didn’t tell her what they did to you. I just said you were shy around strangers, and you had some trust issues.”
“That’s putting it mildly.”
“You’re getting better.”
“Around you.”
“Well, she’s just like me, only taller.”
“Everyone’s taller than you.”
“Hey!”
“Just joking.”
“I know. I like it,” Laura said, giving Toni another quick glance. “So, you feeling better? Not so nervous?”
“We’ve only been in the car for a couple of hours. Ask me that again in about six more.”
***
The trip was long and thankfully uneventful. As Laura expected, Toni never offered to drive, and Laura knew it was for the best. Her friendly banter was met with blank stares or mumbled replies, and when gas or restrooms were needed, unless the stations were small and practically deserted, Toni could not bring herself to get out of the car.
Having spent most of the trip either staring out the window or at her lap, when Toni felt the road conditions change, she raised her eyes. Peering through the windscreen, she saw they were on an unpaved road, and sitting straight in her seat, she said, “Are we there?”
“Yeah, well we are if I can find the bloody driveway,” Laura said, slowing the car to a crawl. “Oh, there it is.”
Turning onto the gravel drive, Laura drove up to the house and parked the car. Turning off the engine, she looked in Toni’s direction. The sun had long since set, but between the brilliance of the full moon and the light streaming from the windows of her mother’s home, Laura could see Toni’s jaw was set. Reaching over, she placed her hand over Toni’s. “So, you ready for this?”
“I guess asking you to turn around isn’t an option, is it?”
Giving Toni’s hand a squeeze, Laura said, “Afraid not, but if you feel the same way tomorrow, I’ll take you home. Okay?”
“Yeah,” Toni said in a whisper. After running her hands down her jeans to dry her palms, she reached for the door handle. “Right, well let’s do this.”
Laura quickly climbed out of the car and opened the boot, but before any luggage could be removed, she heard her mother’s voice.
“That can wait just a bit, don’t you think?”
Spinning around, Laura’s face lit up, and running over, she fell into her mother’s outstretched arms.
“Oh, I missed you, Laura,” Eleanor said, giving her daughter a hug. “I’m so happy you’re home.”
“Me, too.” Giving her mother a kiss on the cheek, she said, “You look great.”
“It’s dark, sweetheart. Wait until we get inside. I’m a wreck.”
Watching from the car, Toni pulled the luggage out of the boot and took a deep breath. Aware introductions would have to be made, and ritual greetings exchanged, her heart began to race as she approached the two women.
Seeing the woman slowly walk toward them, Eleanor pulled out of Laura’s hug and smiled in Toni’s direction. Holding out her hand, she said, “I’m Eleanor MacLeod. You must be the friend Laura’s told me about.”
Pausing for a moment, Toni set the suitcases on the ground and cautiously held out her hand. “Toni Vaughn,” she whispered. “It’s very nice to meet you, Mrs. MacLeod.”
“Likewise, my dear, and please call me Eleanor,” she said, eyeing the tall woman standing in the shadows. “How about we go inside?”
Hustling them into the house, Eleanor shut the door and motioned toward the stairs. “Laura, why don’t you take Toni up and show her where she’ll be staying, and I’ll make us some tea.”
“Would you like some help?” Laura asked.
“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m sure you both need to freshen up after that drive. Go up and get comfortable and I’ll fix something for us to nibble on.”
Watching as they disappeared up the stairs, Eleanor went to the kitchen and mentally chastised herself for being so stereotypical. The portrait of Toni Vaughn she had painted in her mind couldn’t have been more wrong, and Eleanor couldn’t have felt more stupid. With the knowledge that the woman was gay and had spent time in prison, she had imagined Toni to be rough, masculine and plain, but she was anything but. While her stooped shoulders and obvious hesitation even to shake hands had proved that prison had taken its toll, the woman was nonetheless, beautiful, and Eleanor found that Toni’s soft-spoken ways seemed to add to her charm. Although many people would have reserved judgment until more than ten words had been spoken, after working nearly thirty years as an estate agent, Eleanor’s ability to judge a person’s character within minutes of being introduced was uncanny. Meeting and greeting hundreds, if not thousands of prospective sellers and buyers through the years, she had learned how to pick the winners from the losers…and Toni Vaughn was no loser.
Reaching the second floor, Laura led Toni down the hallway and opened the first door on her left. “This will be you,” she said, leading Toni into the room. Seeing the woman’s delighted expression, Laura added, “I thought you’d like it.”
The room was just large enough to comfortably hold a bed, dresser, armoire and nightstand, and matching the walls, all the furniture, except for the bed frame, was white. The woodwork throughout the room had been stained a light cherry, as were all the tops of the furniture, and the brass hardware displayed on the doors and drawers matched the large shiny spheres sitting atop the corners of the black iron bed frame. The bedside lamp had a base decorated with a swirled blue and white design, and the colors were repeated in the patchwork quilt that covered the bed.
“Be careful of that wall though,” Laura said as she pointed to the one slanted to follow the pitch of the roof. “I can’t tell you how many times that I’ve walked into the one in mine.”
“I’ll do that,” Toni said quietly, looking over at the sloped ceiling. “Speaking of rooms, where’s yours?”
“Right next door,” Laura said, opening a door in the room which led to a small bathroom.
“You’re staying in the loo?”
“No, silly,” Laura said as she pointed to another doorway across the small toilet. “That door leads to mine. I hope you don’t mind, but we’ll be sharing a bathroom.”
“No...um...that’s okay,” Toni said, running her fingers through her hair.
“Hey, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“If you don’t like the room, we can switch.”
“No, the room’s fine. I’m just a bit on edge. You know me.”
“Yes, I do,” Laura said softly. “How about we unpack and then have some tea? It might help calm your nerves.”
“If it’s all the same to you, I think I’d just like to stay up here for tonight. Get my bearings.”
One of the many things Laura had learned over the past several months was when it came to dealing with Toni and her phobias, slow was the only option. Even after going to the market a half dozen times, all it took was a few too many people or a new employee, and Toni would retract faster than a switchblade.
“If that’s what you want.”
“Yeah, I...I just need a bit of time. That’s all.”
“Okay, well then I’ll leave you to unpack and if you need anything, just knock on my door. Okay?” Laura said, opening the door to her bedroom and switching on the light.
“I’ll be fine, Laura. See you in the morning.”
***
“Where’s Toni?” Eleanor said as Laura came into the kitchen.
“She’s a bit out of sorts, and decided to call it a night.”
“Oh my, she’s not ill, is she?”
“No, she just gets a bit...a bit—”
“On edge?”
“You noticed?”
“It’s fairly hard not to, actually,” Eleanor said, motioning for Laura to sit. “I don’t know what those bastards did to her, but I hope they were punished.”
“Yeah, me too,” Laura said, her voice drifting off as her thoughts returned to Toni. Startled when her mother placed a cup of tea in front of her, Laura looked up. “She’s really not like that around me. Nervous, I mean.”
“Well, by what you said in your letters, it’s taken a great deal of time for you to earn her trust. I didn’t expect her to walk in here and feel comfortable. She doesn’t know me. She doesn’t know this place, and she’s yet to realize that, like you, I have no intention of hurting her.”
“I can’t ever imagine hurting her, Mum,” Laura said quietly as she ran her finger along the rim of the cup. “I’d sooner die.”
Holding back a grin, Eleanor said, “It sounds like you and she have something very...very special.”
Eleanor thought that they would spend the night chattering away like they always did when Laura visited, but that wasn’t going to be the case. Laura was so engrossed in her thoughts about the woman one flight up, she didn’t even know her mother was there...and Eleanor didn’t mind.
Like most mothers, Eleanor had only ever wanted the best for her daughter, but jealous of friends with grandchildren and son-in-laws, she had suggested to the point of annoyance that Laura needed to find a husband and settle down. What Eleanor forgot was that God works in mysterious ways, and gazing at her daughter, Eleanor knew that a husband would never be in Laura’s future. A woman named Toni had changed that.
“So what are your plans while you’re here?”
Shaken from her thoughts, Laura looked up. “I hadn’t really thought about it.”
“No? Since when haven’t you planned every last detail of your holiday?”
“It was kind of off-the-cuff. Toni had a really hard time a few weeks back, and I thought a change would do her good. I didn’t think about what we’d do when we got here, other than maybe taking a few walks. Let her get some fresh air and see that the world isn’t all gray and ugly.”
“Well, there’s a local artisan fair on High Street in Falkirk this weekend, or we could go to Stirling and do some shopping if you’d like.”
“I’m not sure Toni will be up for doing that.”
“Maybe you should ask her,” Toni said from the doorway.
The last sliver of doubt that remained in Eleanor’s mind slipped away, watching as the mere sound of Toni’s voice changed her daughter’s entire persona. Laura’s frown changed to a smile, wide and bright, as her eyes twinkled back at the woman standing a few feet away.
“Hey, you,” Laura chirped. “I thought you were going to get some sleep.”
“I thought it was a bit rude to sequester myself up there. Besides, I could do with a cup of tea,” Toni said, walking over to the table.
“I’ll get it,” Eleanor said, quickly going to fetch another cup. As she returned to the table, she said, “We were just discussing what your plans were. I suggested that we go shopping tomorrow, but Laura wasn’t sure you’d be up for it.”
Thinking for a moment, Toni looked at Laura and then back at Eleanor. “Well, there’s only one way to find out.”
***
Feeling as if someone was shining a light in her face, Laura slowly opened her eyes and saw slivers of brightness coming from around the bathroom door. Glancing at the clock on the nightstand, the blue digital display announced it was 2:47 in the morning. Climbing out of bed, she crept to the door, and hearing no sounds from within, she lightly knocked on the frame. Receiving no response, Laura opened the door, instantly recoiling at the brightness coming from the light bar over the mirror. Blinking to clear the spots in front of her eyes, she was about to turn off the switch when she noticed the door leading to Toni’s room was ajar. Going over to it, she whispered through the crack, “Toni?”
“Go back to sleep, Laura,” Toni said in a ragged whisper.
“Are you okay?”
When she heard no answer, Laura paused for only a moment before pushing the door open. Seeing Toni huddled on the floor in the far corner, Laura rushed over and knelt by her side. “Toni, what’s wrong?”
Unable to hear her whispered response, she cupped Toni’s chin in her hand, lifting her head so she could see her face. “Sweetheart, what’s the matter?”
“I-I forgot to bring a book.”
“You forgot to...” Laura stopped and her shoulders fell. Over the years, Laura had fallen asleep reading a book more times than she could remember, but Toni didn’t need the words to lull her to sleep. She needed the comfort of knowing a book was nearby.
In Thornbridge, Toni’s only connection to civilization, to a world that contained fairness, love and honesty, had been a torn and tattered paperback smelling of urine. It acted as a security blanket, proof that something existed outside the stone walls, and the words on its pages contained the power to calm her fears and still her nightmares. Old habits die hard, and this one would be with her until the day she died. Without a book within reach, falling asleep was impossible.
“Why didn’t you wake me?”
“I didn’t want to bother you.”
“When are you going to realize that you don’t bother me, Toni? What were you going to do? Sit on the floor the entire night?”
“I’ve done it before.”
“Not anymore you don’t,” Laura said, getting to her feet. Holding out her hand, she said, “Come on. I’ve got some books in my room.”
Hesitating for a moment, Toni took Laura’s hand and allowed herself to be led to the other bedroom.
As soon as they walked inside, Laura pointed to the bookshelf. “Take as many as you’d like. I’m going to use the bathroom.”
Distracted by the volumes filling the shelf, Toni didn’t even notice that Laura had walked away. Taking a few books from the row, she sat on the edge of the bed and glanced from one to the other, deciding which to place on her nightstand.
Returning a few minutes later, Laura grinned at the sight of Toni sitting on the bed sound asleep. Taking the book from her hand, when Toni opened her eyes, Laura said softly, “Let’s get you to bed. Shall we?”
Guiding her back to her room, Laura turned down the bed, and without argument, Toni climbed under the sheet. Placing the book on the bedside table, Laura said, “It’s here if you need it.”
“I’m sorry I woke you.”
“As long as you’re okay, that’s all that matters,” Laura said, going over to turn off the lamp in the corner. With the help from the light streaming from the bathroom, she made her way back to the bed and sat down.
“What are you doing?” Toni asked.
“I thought I’d stay with you awhile, just until you fall asleep.”
Narrowing her eyes, Toni stared back at Laura. “Are you going to read me a bedtime story, too?”
Amused at how rapidly Toni could change from needy to annoyed, Laura said, “Only after I’m done making you some warm milk.”
Toni’s agitation dissolved in an instant, and relaxing into the pillow she gazed back at Laura. “I’ll never understand why you do things for me. I’ve given you so many reasons to tell me to sod off. Are you this nice to all the nutters?”
“Only the tall, dark and...um...brooding ones.”
Noticing that Toni’s eyelids had begun to grow heavy, Laura reached over and drew her finger along the woman’s brow, pushing a few strands of hair from her forehead. “Get some sleep, Toni,” she whispered. “I’m here.”
Laura listened as Toni’s breathing slowed, and although she was sure that she’d sleep until morning, Laura was not yet ready to leave. It was rare that Toni left herself so exposed, so vulnerable to another, but between them, a bond had formed. Even though Laura knew that Toni believed it was based only on friendship and trust, Laura now knew better.
Earlier in the week, she had met Phillip for dinner, but it was all Laura could do to keep her mind on her date. He was tall, dark and handsome, but so was the woman who shared her home. It was at that moment, while sitting in a crowded Indian eatery, when Laura realized her feelings for Toni were no longer platonic. And now, sitting in the dark, with Toni sound asleep, platonic was the last thing on Laura’s mind.
Continuing to stroke Toni’s forehead, Laura breathed deep, marveling in the texture of her skin. It was soft and warm, and she longed to run her finger down her cheek, to touch her nose, her chin…her lips. Were they as soft as Laura imagined? Would Toni taste of cigarettes and coffee or would it be something new? Something sweet and marvelous? Something dreams were made of?
Breathing deeply again, Laura blushed in the blackness of the room, feeling between her legs a pulse of awareness and want. Licking her lips, she stood quietly, knowing she needed to distance herself from the intimacy of the moment. So, after placing a chaste kiss lightly on Toni’s cheek Laura crept from the room and returned to her own bed, praying her dreams could take her where reality could not.