“You did what!”
“You heard.”
“You kissed Toni?”
“That’s what I said.”
“When did this happen?”
“Abby, I really need you to pay attention here. I told you, last night.”
“I’m not talking about when you kissed her. I’m talking about…” Abby stopped for a moment, trying to find the words. “I’m talking about when you started playing for the other team, because the last time I checked, you were heterosexual.”
“Oh.”
“Laura, I’m serious. What the hell were you thinking? The woman is damaged enough without you deciding it was time to experiment!”
“I wasn’t experimenting!”
“No?”
“No,” Laura said. Sinking to the sofa, she put her head in her hands. “Oh, Abby, what am I going to do?”
Abby had graduated first in her class, evidenced by the degrees and certificates hanging on her office wall. She had given lectures, treated the rich and famous, and had even written articles for various medical publications, but as she replayed the dozens of conversations she had had with Laura over the past several months, Abby Parker came to the conclusion that she was a daft cow. “Oh, my God, you’re in love with her?”
Appearing as if she was bobbing for apples, Laura nodded several times before finally peeking through her fingers. “Yes, and I think I ruined it.”
“Why? What happened?”
“Oh, Abby, I moved too fast. She wasn’t ready. How could I have been so bloody stupid!” Laura shouted as she got to her feet and paced around the room. “Why the fuck didn’t I just leave her be? I mean, she’s had moods before, and they’ve always passed, but I pushed her. I went too fast and now she hates me. She fucking hates me!”
“Laura, calm down.”
“I am calm!”
“No, you’re not, and I can’t help you if you don’t slow down and start making some sense. Now sit back down and tell me what happened.”
Throwing herself onto the sofa, Laura picked up her wine, tucked her legs under her and glared at Abby. “There—you satisfied?”
Fighting the urge to laugh, Abby picked up her own glass, taking a sip as she settled into the corner of the sofa and looked at her exasperated friend. Thinking for a moment, she said, “Okay, so last night something happened and you kissed Toni. Yes?”
“Oh, so you were paying attention,” Laura snarled. “It’s about bloody time.”
“You are in a mood, aren’t you?”
Realizing she was taking her frustrations out on Abby, Laura frowned. “I’m sorry. That was totally uncalled for.”
“Apology accepted,” Abby said with a smile. “Now, what exactly happened last night?”
“I told you. I kissed—”
“Not that part. I’m talking about before the kiss.”
“Oh.”
“You said that Toni was having a bad day, right?”
“Not at first,” Laura said, unfolding her legs. “When we left Scotland, she was fine. She was quiet during the drive, but she’s always like that. When we got home, we both unpacked, had some dinner, and then we just sat around and talked.”
“About what?”
“I told her that my mother wanted us to come back at Christmas and spend a few weeks with her.”
“Does your mother know?”
“I wasn’t lying, Abby. My mother is the one who extended the invitation.”
Abby tried not to laugh, but promptly failed. Quickly collecting herself, she said, “Laura, does your mother know about your feelings for Toni?”
“Oh...oh, yeah, she knows. We had a long talk one night, and she seems okay with it.”
“All right, so you were chatting about returning to Scotland for Christmas, and then what?”
Thinking for a moment, Laura said, “She asked me if I would go without her, and I told her that it all depended on what her reason was for staying home alone. That’s when she got angry.”
“Why?”
“From the start, she’s always asked me why I do the things I do for her, and I always say—”
“Give me a reason?”
About to take a sip of wine, Laura stopped before her lips touched the glass. “How in the world did you know that?”
“Because you’ve used that same line on me a hundred times.”
“Oh.”
“It’s okay, Laura. It’s part of who you are, and I love it, but by the sounds of Toni’s reaction, she doesn’t feel the same way.”
“Oh, Abby, she got so angry and started rattling off all these questions. Why did I do this and why did I do that, and then she said things were getting muddled. When I asked her what she meant, she said she needed to work it out on her own.”
“And you didn’t let her.”
“No, I guess I didn’t,” Laura said with a sigh. “I kept pushing her and she finally said that she realized that she’d never be the person she once was. When I asked her why, she said it was because...it was because that person was dead.”
“I see.”
“Oh, Abby, she looked so sad. So, so sad, and I thought...I thought she was going to slip away, disappear back into her books and close all the doors that had finally opened, and I didn’t want to lose her. I wanted her to know that she wasn’t dead, that she was loved...so I kissed her.”
“Did she kiss you back?” Noticing that Laura instantly blushed, Abby grinned. “Laura, I’m not a sex therapist so you can skip the gory details. Just tell me what she did.”
“She didn’t do anything. She didn’t pull away, and for a second or two, I thought things, well I thought things might go further, but then she backed off and got really, really angry. I tried to apologize, but she wouldn’t listen, and then she ran to her room and slammed the door.”
“And you haven’t spoken since last night?”
“We had a brief exchange this morning, but it didn’t go very well,” Laura said, rubbing the bridge of her nose.
“What happened?”
“I thought maybe I should try to apologize again, but I barely got started before she began screaming. She told me if I ever tried it again, she’d quit her job and move away. Then she just stormed out of the house.”
“Really,” Abby said pensively. “That’s interesting.”
“What do you mean?”
Taking a sip of wine, Abby got her thoughts in order. “Our relationship, you and I, we’re close friends, wouldn’t you agree?”
“The best. You know that.”
“Okay, and taking away the fact that you’re in love with Toni, would you say she falls under the same heading?”
“Sure. Why?”
“Laura, in all the years you and I have known each other, we’ve had our share of disagreements, but neither of us has ever seen the need to give the other an ultimatum. Between friends, especially close friends, there’s an honor, if you will. You tell me you don’t like something, and I accept it and move on because I care about you, and I value our friendship. I don’t need to threaten you. I just need to ask, because I trust you, and you trust me.”
“So, what’s your point?”
“I think Toni’s in love with you.”
“What?”
“You heard me.”
“Abby, are you on drugs? Have you heard a single word I’ve said? She was furious!”
“Yes, but not at you,” Abby said. Drinking what was left of her wine, Abby set the glass aside. “You said it yourself. At first, she didn’t pull away when you kissed her. I don’t know about you, but if someone tries to kiss me, and I don’t want them to, I don’t just stand there and let it happen. That tells me she has feelings for you.”
“Then why did she get so bloody angry?”
“Probably the same reason she gave you those ultimatums. She doesn’t want it to happen again.”
“She doesn’t want to be loved?”
“Probably more along the lines that she doesn’t think she has anything to give to a relationship being the way she is, and if she could ever get past that, you’re still left with the scars.”
“Oh, that’s bollocks! I don’t care about the bloody scars!”
“Of course you don’t, but she does. Laura, you keep forgetting that Toni has very little, if any, self-worth. Sure, she’s a fantastic teacher, and she knows that, but as far as being in a relationship—no way. She looks in the mirror and sees nothing but those marks, and most likely remembers every bloody detail. And as hard as she might try, she simply can’t imagine ever being with anyone who can look past them or accept all of her eccentricities.”
“I can.”
“Sweetheart, I’m sure you can, but I’m not Toni.”
“Well then, what do I do?”
“First, I need to ask you something, and I want you to wait until I’m finished before answering. All right?”
“Okay?” Laura said cautiously.
“In my profession, or should I say, in the medical profession, there is a lot of care and nurturing that goes along with the job. Because of that, it’s not unheard of that a doctor falls for their patient or vice versa, and whilst you’re not a doctor and Toni is not your patient, your relationship has quite a few similarities to that of a doctor and patient.”
Noticing Laura was about to interrupt, Abby held up her finger to stop her. “With that being said, I need you to assure me that you’re not trying to develop an intimate relationship with her simply because you think by showing her that sort of affection it will make her, for the lack of another word...better.”
“I’m not,” Laura answered quickly.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
Studying her friend, Abby said, “Convince me.”
Laura took a sip of wine and then placed her glass on the table. Turning to Abby, she said, “You see her as damaged...broken, but I see her as a survivor. She managed to get through something we can’t even begin to fathom. I’m not blind, Abby, I know Toni has issues...and I don’t care.
“It doesn’t matter to me if Toni can’t go shopping by herself, because all that means is that we’ll get to spend more time together than most. I don’t care that she prefers intimate restaurants over loud, crowded pubs, because that way I’ll never miss a word she says. If she can never find the courage to order her own food in a restaurant, that just means when we’re old and gray, I’ll be able to make sure she’s eating properly. And not opening doors to strangers? Well, in this day and age, I think that’s pretty smart. Don’t you?” Pausing for a moment, Laura said quietly, “You ask me if I’m trying to make her better, and I wonder what you mean, because to me...to me, she’s perfect.”
Staring back at Laura, goose bumps appeared on Abby’s arms. “Wow.”
“You believe me now?” Laura whispered.
“Yes, I do.”
“So, what do I do?”
“Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do, Laura. It takes two people to make a relationship, and even though I’m convinced Toni has feelings for you, she may never be able to act on them.”
“That’s not what I wanted to hear.”
“I know, and I’m sorry, but as your friend, I’m not going to lie to you. If you want Toni in your life, you’re going to have to settle for friendship, because that’s all she may ever be able to give you.”
“So I just pretend it didn’t happen?”
“Basically, yes. She’s probably not going to be very talkative for a while, so when you get home, if I were you, I’d just go about doing the usual things and not say anything. When she’s ready to talk, she will.”
“Well, that won’t be difficult, since she’s not home.”
“Oh, that’s right, you said she stormed out. Do you have any idea where she went?”
“Yeah, Kris sent me a text. Toni showed up at her place.”
“It sounds like you weren’t the only one who needed to talk.”
***
“She did what?”
“You heard me.”
“Laura kissed you?”
“Yes.”
“On the lips?”
Exasperated, Toni said, “Would you like me to draw you a picture?”
“Can you?” Krista asked with a gleam in her eye.
“Oh, bloody great! My world is falling apart, and you’re making jokes!”
“From where I’m sitting, it looks to me like your world is improving by leaps and bounds.”
“Are you daft?”
“No, I’m not, and I’m not blind either.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Hello? Toni, I may not be allowed to touch, but I can still look, and Laura’s a fox.”
“Oh, get real, Krista.”
“You don’t think she’s attractive?”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Well, perhaps you need to explain, because I seriously don’t see what the problem is.”
“You don’t?
“No,” Kris said, shaking her head. “Laura’s a fox. She likes you, and you like her—”
“I like her as a friend!”
“Is that so?”
“Yes.”
“Bollocks.”
“Krista—”
“Toni, you saying that you like Laura only as a friend is like me saying I like chocolate only on occasion.”
Narrowing her eyes, Toni said, “You love chocolate. You’d eat it all the time if you could.”
Tilting her head, Kris wiggled her eyebrows and waited for Toni to catch up.
“I am not in love with Laura MacLeod!” Toni shouted. Jumping off the sofa, she headed to the door. “I’m leaving. I don’t even know why I wasted my time with you.”
Running after her, Krista grabbed Toni’s hand and pulled her back. “Because I’m your best friend, that’s why, and you’ve never been able to lie to me, so stop trying. Now, get your arse back on that sofa and talk to me.”
Taking a deep breath, Toni let it out slowly as she returned to the couch. Sinking into its cushions, she looked over at Krista and when she saw the woman’s obnoxiously large smirk, she blurted, “What?”
“Start talking.”
“I’ve got nothing to say.”
“Don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Disappear like you did before,” Krista said angrily. “I’ve waited too long to get my friend back, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let you vanish again.”
“I’m not going to vanish. I’m right here for Christ’s sake.”
“Then talk to me, because I know you want to.”
“How do you figure that?”
“Because the only place you drive is to Calloway and back. You haven’t stepped foot in this house since the day we moved you into your flat, but this thing with Laura apparently has you so wound up that you somehow found the courage to get here. That tells me you want to talk...so start talking.”
After a minute passed without Toni saying a word, Krista softened her tone. “Toni, are you in love with her?”
Closing her eyes, Toni rested her head on the back of the sofa. “Yes, and I don’t want to be.”
“Why not? Laura’s a fox—”
“Will you please stop saying that!”
“Well, it’s true! And it doesn’t hurt that she’s smart, has a great job and is apparently totally in love with you.”
“How the hell do you figure that? It was just a kiss.”
“Yes, but it came from a woman who, until she met you, was straight. You don’t cross over that bridge easily, Toni, and I don’t think Laura is the type of person who experiments.”
Leaning forward, Toni buried her face in her hands. “Christ, I don’t want this.”
“Can you kindly explain to me why not?”
“Because I can’t give her the life she deserves.”
“Oh, that’s bollocks! Toni, you have more than enough money—”
“I’m not talking about money, Krista,” Toni said, raising her eyes to look at Kris. “Laura deserves intimate dinners in five-star restaurants, but without her help, I can’t arrange them. I can’t surprise her with a special dinner at home, because without her help, I can’t buy the food. And what do I do at Christmas or on her birthday? Ask her to buy her own present? She deserves to be wined and dined, and taken on holiday to exotic places where she can walk on white sand and feel the sun on her skin. How can I do that, looking the way I do?”
“Oh, Jesus, Toni, is that what this is all about...the scars? They’re just some marks, and I’m sure Laura doesn’t care about them. None of us care about them.”
“But I do!” Toni screamed, leaping off the sofa. “I do, Krista. I don’t need to even look at them anymore because I feel them. Don’t you get that? I feel them! I remember when I got each and every one. I remember every fucking word that was said as the belts hit my skin. I remember wanting to die and forcing myself to eat spoiled food just so the bastards wouldn’t win, and I remember one night that I fought so hard not to be raped that the bastard pulled my fucking arm out of its fucking socket!”
Toni had never told Kris about the horrors of Thornbridge. Although she had seen the scars, Toni had refused to give her any details knowing Kris would blame herself, and as soon as Toni saw Krista’s expression, she realized her mistake. “Oh, Christ.”
Toni’s words burrowed their way through Krista’s body, and when they reached her heart, it broke. Slowly, Krista shook her head as her tears began to flow. “Oh, my God,” she said in a ragged whisper. “It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault.”
Quickly kneeling by her side, Toni took Krista’s hand. “No, Kris, please...please...it wasn’t your fault. It was no one’s fault.”
“It should have been me. It should have been me.”
“Don’t say that. Krista. Even if I could go back and change things, I wouldn’t. You could never have survived in there. You’re not that stubborn.”
“But what they did to you—”
“It’s over Krista. The bastards got what they deserved, and even if they didn’t, they never got me.”
“They never…they never...”
“I was never raped, Kris. I swear.”
“But you said—”
“I said he tried. I didn’t say he succeeded.”
“Is that the reason...is that the reason you don’t like to be touched?”
“Something inside of me snapped that night, besides my arm, that is,” Toni said, offering Kris a weak grin. “Since then I haven’t had any...any feelings of...of...”
“Of want?”
“Yeah.”
Wiping the tears from her face, Krista said, “But you do for Laura, don’t you?”
Returning to sit by Krista’s side, Toni said, “When we were on holiday, I bought her a blouse.”
“A blouse?”
A small smile appeared on Toni’s face. “Long story, but yeah, I bought her a blouse. One night we were going out to dinner, and when she came down the stairs, it was like I couldn’t breathe. She was standing there looking so beautiful and suddenly...suddenly I felt...I felt...”
“Turned on?”
Toni’s cheeks flamed instantly, and Krista couldn’t help but snigger at the sight.
Amused by Krista’s tittering, Toni said, “You know this isn’t easy for me to talk about, so you laughing isn’t helping one little bit.”
“I’m sorry,” Krista said, trying to contain herself. “But over the years, you and I have spent dozens of nights chatting about sex and our various partners, so you blushing because your knickers got a bit damp is kind of funny, don’t you think?”
Toni snorted and shook her head. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. It’s just that I haven’t felt anything like that in a long time. It kind of took me by surprise.”
“Sounds like a nice surprise to me.”
“It would be if I was interested in that type of relationship with Laura, but I’m not. I don’t have anything to give her other than friendship. I just don’t.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“I told her this morning that if she tried it again, I’d move out and find another job, so I don’t think she’ll say anything more about it.”
“So you and she will just remain friends?”
“Exactly.”
“And when she goes out on a date and doesn’t come home until the next morning, or better yet, he stays the night. You'll be okay with that?”
“Yes,” Toni said quietly. “I don’t have a choice.”