Standing on the back porch of Laura’s house under a small overhang, Toni smoked her cigarette and looked out over the garden filled with weeds and dried leaves. Sometime during the night, the rain began, and with the temperature dropping, signaling that autumn was here to stay, Toni’s plans to clean and rake would have to wait. Having always lived in flats, she had never had the need to garden, or even to learn, but books were starting to lose their effect, and if the printed page could no longer lull her to sleep, then exhaustion would. It had to. Last night was the first night in years when a nightmare filled with the fractured images of men, belts and pain had found its way to her, and she awoke covered in sweat and gasping for air.
In Thornbridge, and even in Sutton Hall, Toni had listened as others awoke from their sleep, screaming at the images their minds created, but literature had always protected Toni. Remembering the lines from a sonnet, the dialogue from a play or the passages in a novel, she would fill her mind and sleep peacefully, but that was before she met Laura. Last night, lying in the darkness, Toni tried to concentrate on words written by authors long since gone, but memories of a kiss had invaded her thoughts and her body. The most basic of needs refused to lie dormant any longer, and when sleep finally came, Toni’s mind conjured up images of gentle caresses and soft words, but then they morphed into a nightmare filled with schisms of pain and splashes of red.
Emptying her lungs of the smoke that remained, Toni stubbed out her cigarette and went back inside just as Abby came into the kitchen. For a second, Toni allowed her eyes to meet Abby’s, but then she lowered hers, walked to the counter and refilled her coffee. The night before, her fear hadn’t taken hold. Two drunken women were hardly frightening, but a new day had dawned, and not only was there a stranger in the house, the stranger was a psychologist. Toni’s palms were sweating and her heart thumped hard in her chest, but she wanted answers that only this woman could provide. Holding her head high, she drew a slow, steady breath. “There’s coffee, if you want some,” she said over her shoulder.
“I’d kill for some,” Abby said, slumping into a chair.
Toni filled another mug. Seeing the coffee ripple in the cup, she steadied her hand before she turned around and held it out. “Personally, I wouldn’t recommend that,” she said, keeping her voice low for fear it would crack.
“Oh,” Abby said, her eyes widening as she took the mug. “Sorry. I didn’t mean that the way it came out.”
“Of course, you didn’t.”
After taking a sip of coffee, Abby said, “I’m also sorry about last night. It seems I took your bed without asking.”
“Not a problem. I’ve slept on the couch before.”
Toni’s expression remained blank, but Abby could feel her anxiety. It filled the room, drowning out the noise of appliances, and even the clock on the wall seemed to quiet its tick when Abby looked up at it. Realizing that it was later than she had thought, she asked, “Is Laura awake?”
Leaning against the counter, Toni stared back at the woman in the rumpled dress with the crooked sequined belt. “No. I doubt she’ll be down before noon.”
“Understandable,” Abby said. “She did have quite a bit to drink last night.”
Crossing her arms, Toni said, “You know, I think it’s pretty irresponsible of you to let her get that pissed, what with you being her best friend and all. I would have thought you’d have tried to slow her down.”
“You obviously don’t know what Laura’s like when she’s trying to pretend that she’s happy.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Pausing for a moment, Abby Parker considered the woman leaning against the counter. Over the years, Laura had dated lots of handsome men, but none of them could hold a candle to the slim, raven-haired woman standing before her. Others may not have been able to see past the beauty of this woman, but Abby could. Behind the soulful eyes, and masked by high cheekbones and feminine curves, an intelligence lurked. While Toni’s question was seemingly innocent, Abby knew better. “I don’t really need to answer that. Do I?”
Sizing up her opponent, Toni shook her head. “No, you don’t.”
“You know, you’re not what I imagined,” Abby said, placing her mug on the table.
With a snort, Toni walked over, yanked out a chair and sat down. Keeping her hands under the table so Abby couldn’t see them shaking, Toni tried to hide her fear with arrogance. Glaring back at the woman, she said, “Is that so? Let me guess. Laura filled you in on all the gory details, and you thought I’d be some sort of monster?”
“Actually, that couldn’t be further from the truth.”
“No?”
“No. What I meant was, with what Laura’s told me about your fear of strangers, I’m surprised you’re speaking to me right now. That’s all.”
Abby wasn’t the only one surprised, and if it wasn’t for the fact Toni still wanted answers, she would have run from the room. Deep inside she could feel her panic growing, but her need to know the truth kept her glued to the chair. Toni wanted to know who had put the mark on Laura’s neck. Was this best friend more than just that, or had it been a stranger, someone who held Laura close while they danced in a smoky pub, his mouth pressed hard against her skin, leaving behind a bruise as if to claim her as his own?
Remembering the gruesome love bite, Toni dug deep. Leaning back in her chair, she sneered at Abby. “What’s your point, or do shrinks only ask questions and never answer any?”
Abby had always prided herself on her patience and compassion, two required elements for her line of work; however, the need for a bath, toothpaste and headache tablets had got in the way, not to mention the belt she was wearing. While the broad sequined-edged sash was fashionable, after spending a night with it wrapped around her waist, it had become an annoyance. Without thinking, she got to her feet, yanked it off and tossed it on the table. Narrowing her eyes, Abby said, “Well, I can’t speak for all the psychologists, but this one has no problem answering questions! What would you like to know?”
With her hands on her hips, Abby waited for an answer, but it only took a few seconds before she realized she wouldn’t be getting one. Her mouth dropped open, and she watched in stunned silence as Toni’s Thornbridge persona returned.
Assuming the position of a prisoner on the verge of being reprimanded, Toni straightened her spine, bowed her head, and as the color drained from her face, she placed both hands on the table, palms down.
“Shit,” Abby said, reaching over to push the belt off the table. Quickly kneeling by Toni’s side, Abby’s tone turned soothing and soft. “Toni, it’s okay. No one’s going to hurt you. I promise.”
They were words offered for comfort, an assurance that all would be okay, but between the belt and her words, Abby had unwittingly transported Toni back to hell, and the result was painful to see.
As if Toni had been wearing the twin masks of theater, she had hidden behind the first, confident and strong, but words meant to soothe had ripped it away, revealing the tragedy that lay underneath. Abby watched in horror as Toni’s face changed to one filled with terror, her entire body starting to shake as she struggled to take her next breath.
“Shit,” Abby said. Jumping up, she ran in the direction of the junk drawer.
***
“I can find something stronger, if you’d like,” Abby said, placing a cup of tea in front of Toni.
Shaking her head, Toni wrapped her hands around the cup and brought it to her mouth. Slowly sipping the steaming Assam, it wasn’t until she heard Abby pull out a chair that she looked up. Pausing for only a second, Toni said, “I suppose now’s the time when you’re going to slide me your business card and suggest that I ring you up for an appointment. Yes?”
“No, actually I was thinking about giving you the names of a few books you might want to read.”
“Books?”
“Yes. Both of the authors survived rather traumatic events, and the books deal with how they learned to trust again, and to live in a world that terrifies them.” Seeing the confused look on Toni’s face, Abby said, “Don’t get me wrong. I do think you could benefit from some counseling, at least to help you manage those panic attacks of yours, but soliciting patients whilst fighting a hangover and wearing a dress I’ve slept in just doesn’t seem professional to me. If you know what I mean?”
A hint of mirth found its way to Toni’s eyes. “We have painkillers, if you’d like some.”
“I’d kill...um...that would be lovely. Yes.”
Retrieving the over-the-counter medication from a cabinet, Toni handed the container to Abby, and by the time Toni returned to her chair, Abby had already popped two white tablets into her mouth.
Quickly washing them down with warm tea, Abby capped the bottle and placed it on the table. “Thanks.”
“I should be the one thanking you…for helping me.”
“My pleasure,” Abby said softly. “Do you mind if I ask what brought on the attack?”
“Panic.”
Smiling, Abby said, “What I meant was, if it was because I took off my belt, I can assure you I didn’t mean to upset you. That blasted thing was just uncomfortable.”
“It wasn’t just that,” Toni said, pausing for a moment. “The screws would always say ‘no one’s going to hurt you’...and then they’d beat the shit out of me. Between that and the belt...I didn’t stand a chance.”
“Oh, God, I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t know,” Toni said quietly.
Toni was right. Abby didn’t know Toni’s triggers. All she knew were the bits and pieces Laura had told her over the past few months...but therapy starts with bits and pieces. “Can I ask you a question?”
“That depends.”
“On what?”
“On whether you’re going to charge me or not?”
Grinning, Abby said, “It’s on the house. I promise.”
“Then go ahead.”
“Did you suffer from panic attacks before you went to prison?”
“Never,” Toni said, staring at the cup in her hands. “The first time was just after I got out. Krista wasn’t home, and all of a sudden it felt like everything was closing in on me, like this massive weight was pressing down on me. I thought I was having a heart attack, but a short time later I...I woke up on the floor.”
“Are they always as bad as the one today?”
Toni breathed deep, letting the air out slowly as she tried to decide whether to answer. Until this moment, she had never had the desire to talk to a professional about her problems, but a few minutes earlier, Abby had knelt by her side, calmly talking her back from a panic attack. Looking across the table at the woman in the wrinkled dress and smeared makeup, Abby didn’t look the part of a doctor. She looked like a friend, and if there was one thing Toni knew she needed, it was friends.
“Some are worse than others,” Toni said quietly.
“And this one? How’d you rate this one on a scale from one to ten?”
“I don’t know, maybe a seven or an eight.”
Stunned, Abby said, “But you almost passed out.”
“Yeah, well, when I pass out, those are tens.”
“You say that as if it’s nothing, but I would think something like that would be terrifying.”
“It is, but I don’t have as many as I used to, and they’re not nearly as bad. Laura helps a lot.”
“How so?”
“She has a way of being able to calm me down by just talking to me, like you did, but she still carries a paper sack in her handbag just in case that doesn’t work.”
“Well, I’ll be honest with you. I’m trained to talk someone through one of those, but after what Laura told me about you, my first reaction was to get a paper bag, but I couldn’t find any.”
“Laura put them in the pantry.”
“Now you tell me,” Abby said with a laugh.
Toni managed a tight-lipped smile and then lowered her gaze, mindlessly running her finger along the edge of her teacup. “If I...if I told you what happened to me, could you...could you help me? Could you make the attacks go away?”
“You mean, if I saw you as a patient?”
“Yes.”
“It wouldn’t happen overnight, Toni, but yes, I think in time they’d go away, or at the very least, you’d learn how to handle them better.”
“Oh.”
“Is that what you’d like to do? Become a patient of mine?”
“I don’t know,” Toni said, staring at the cup in her hand. “I have trouble going places.”
“I’m sure we could figure out a way.”
Fidgeting in her chair, Toni said, “Um...if it’s all...if it’s all the same to you, I’ll...I’ll need to think about it.”
Hearing anxiety creep into Toni’s voice, Abby said, “Look, why don’t we just play it by ear, shall we? If you decide you’d like to talk to me, Laura’s got my number. Okay?”
“Thanks, but I...I wouldn’t want Laura to know.”
“Can I ask why?”
“I...I don’t want her to get the wrong idea, and think that this would somehow change things between us.”
“Don’t you want things to change?”
“No, of course not. Laura’s my friend and I’d never want that to change.”
“That’s not what I’m talking about. Laura told me she kissed you, and you kissed her back.”
“I did not!” Toni said, glaring at Abby. “That’s bollocks! She caught me by surprise, and it just took me a minute to get things sorted. I think of Laura as a friend and only a friend.”
A knowing grin spread across Abby’s face. “Nice try, but the lady doth protest too much, methinks.” The indignant look Toni gave her in return only added to Abby’s amusement, and fighting the urge to laugh, she said, “Oh please, don’t even think about telling me I’m wrong.”
“Right or wrong, it doesn’t matter. Laura’s moved on,” Toni muttered.
“And how did you come to that conclusion, may I ask?”
“It doesn’t matter how I know—”
“Oh, yes it does,” Abby said, sitting forward in her chair. “You’re describing my best friend as a fickle tart and that couldn’t be further from the truth.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really.”
“Then would you care to explain why she went out with Phillip a week after she kissed me, and then last night...last night she came home with a love bite on her neck the size of bloody football!”
“She went out with Phillip to tell him face-to-face that their relationship was over. And as far as what happened last night, I invited Laura to go out for some drinks and dancing, hoping it would take her mind off of you, but it didn’t take me long to realize that she didn’t want to get buzzed, she wanted to get pissed out of her mind. When she came back to the table with that idiotic bruise on her neck, I put us both in a taxi and brought her home.”
“So you didn’t give her that hickey?”
“What? No, of course I didn’t. Laura and I are friends. She’s never been interested in any woman like that. Well, that is, until she met you. All she was trying to do last night was to escape from the feelings she has for you, if only for a few hours. Toni, you’ve got to know that she’s fallen for you.”
“She has a funny way of showing it.”
“Oh, like you have any room to talk,” Abby said, rocking back in her chair. “What’s the difference between hiding in a glass of tequila and hiding in your room?”
“That’s different.”
“No, it’s not. It’s the same thing.”
“How the hell do you figure that?”
“Because you’re both afraid,” Abby said. “You’re afraid Laura can’t get past your scars, and she’s afraid she’ll never be able to convince you that they don’t bloody matter, but what Laura hasn’t figured out is that you’re not that vain, are you? I have no doubt the marks left by those belts aren’t beautiful, but the ugliness you really don’t want her to see is what lies underneath. It’s the rage you feel, the hatred...the need for revenge. It’s alive and well and living just under the surface, and you’re afraid one day it will escape and seek retribution against those who hurt you. That’s what you really don’t want Laura to see, isn’t it? That’s what you don’t want her to know.”
Stunned that the woman had so easily seen through to the truth, Toni stared back at her for a moment, her eyes getting glassy as tears began to form. “I don’t want to hurt her,” she whispered. “I’m...I’m so afraid that I’m going to hurt her.”
“Do you mean physically?”
“Yes.”
“Why would you think that? She’s not the one who put you behind those bars.”
“Did she…did she tell you about the screw who tried to rape me?”
“Yes,” Abby said, but then the room was filled with the sound of her gasp. “Oh, dear God. Are you saying that he did?”
Shaking her head, Toni said, “No...no...he didn’t...he didn’t—”
“Toni, did he penetrate you?”
Abruptly, Toni stood up. “I need a smoke.”
Before Abby could blink, the woman stormed past her, grabbed her jacket and practically ran out the back door. Without thinking twice, Abby headed to the front hall to retrieve her coat.
Standing under the small roof, Toni watched the rain fall and when she heard the door open, she didn’t turn around.
“Can I have one of those?” Abby asked.
Knowing if she looked in Abby’s direction, the tiny thread holding her emotions in check would break, Toni placed the pack and lighter on the railing.
“Thanks,” Abby said, lighting a cigarette.
They stood almost shoulder-to-shoulder, looking out at the overgrown garden while they smoked their cigarettes. When Toni lit the next, Abby did the same, but when the chill of the air finally made it through Abby’s thin coat, and she shivered, Toni said, “You should go back inside. You’re cold.”
“Yes, well I have this problem with walking away from a patient in crisis.”
“I’m not your patient.”
“Yes, you are,” Abby said, turning to look at Toni. “So talk to me.”
“I don’t want to talk.”
“You and I both know you do. You’re just worried that once those tears start to fall, they won’t stop, but they will. I promise.”
“Are you sure?” Toni said in a ragged voice. “Are you really sure?”
Flicking her cigarette to the ground, Abby placed her hand lightly on Toni’s back. “I’m positive.”