Years ago I saw a demonstration of the martial art aikido that had a profound and permanent impact on my way of looking at life. Aikido is a gentle-looking but extremely powerful and graceful method of self-defense that takes the physical aggression and strength of your opponent and uses it to your advantage. It has the effect of disarming your opponent with seemingly little effort.
The specific demonstration I witnessed was almost unbelievable. The contest was between two men. The larger man appeared to be at least twice as strong and substantially more angry than the smaller man. The larger man charged his opponent and began swinging his fists. Without so much as blinking an eye, the smaller man calmly reached toward the charging man and moved ever so slightly to one side. To this day I don’t know how it happened, but the larger man ended up on the floor, while the smaller man stood above him, not a hair out of place. A similar pattern continued for a few minutes before it became obvious to the stronger man that he had zero possibility of even so much as touching his opponent, much less hurting him. His anger turned to humility as he simply gave up.
I’ve learned that the emotional equilivent of aikido works wonders in life as well. I’ve discovered that, more often than not, a gentle approach to resolving conflicts and attacks is most effective. Rather than fighting fire with fire or rolling up my sleeves and fighting back, I attempt to defuse an angry or hostile confrontation with softness and without losing my temper.
Let me give you a practical example. I was being interviewed on a radio talk show when a caller objected to one of my main points. In a somewhat hostile tone, he said some mean things to me, clearly looking for a heated argument. Rather than defend myself or what I had said, I took a deep breath and tried to see his point of view. In a way, I was stepping out of the way of his attack, attempting to defuse his aggression. Then, very gently and with no intended sarcasm, I agreed with him. In fact, I complimented him on his ability to think through his position.
That was it. The argument was over before it had a chance to start. There was nothing left for him to be angry about. Since we were simply expressing our different points of view, it didn’t really matter who was right or wrong. And even if he had kept up his hostility, he would have ended up looking pretty bad because I wasn’t fighting back.
You probably can imagine how differently the situation would have turned out had I fought back or defended myself. In all likelihood, both of us would have been defensive, an argument would have sprung up, and there would have been no winners, only frustration and unresolved hostility.
It’s important to know that mental aikido doesn’t necessarily mean you always back down or agree with someone else’s point of view. Instead, it involves selecting the perfect peaceful response, whatever that might be. It suggests redirecting negative energy that is headed toward you in a more peaceful way. It might mean that you ask a question, pause, or say nothing at all. It could mean that you ask if you can take the matter up at another time, or say that you’d like to “sit with it” for a moment. The main thrust of mental aikido is that you don’t overreact, become overly defensive, yell and scream, or become bothered. You see the situation as a dance, or as an opportunity to resolve your differences peacefully and without drama. Your peace of mind and lack of reaction become your weapons in solving the problem. When you can’t be rattled, others will respect you, listen to you, and have a tendency to see things your way.
The same dynamic applies to so many types of potential conflicts and confrontations. Whether it’s a friend, parent, someone you’re in a relationship with, or even a stranger in the street, mental aikido is a powerful tool in your quest for a more peaceful life. Start working with it today and your conflicts will have less intensity—right away.