5
AVOID THE WORDS “I KNOW”
WHEN SOMEONE IS TALKING

If you said to me, “This is what it’s like to be a teenager in today’s world,” and I immediately replied, “Yeah, I know,” you’d probably think I was full of it! And you’d be right. Or, if you said, “It’s really hard being a teen because . . .” and I chimed back, “I know,” you might also think I was misguided, maybe even a little disrespectful. Again, you’d be right.

While there are exceptions, the same applies to many instances where our response is “I know.” Many times we really don’t “know,” we’re just saying that we do or assuming that we do. Often our I-know response is offered before the person talking to us is even finished with what he or she had to say. It’s a way of cutting someone off, of not having to pay close attention, or of tuning someone out.

When you automatically respond to someone by saying “I know,” what you’re really saying is, “I’m not listening to you.” You’re minimizing their comments. It’s as if you stop listening because you think you already know all there is to know about something, or you simply don’t want to know about something, or you’re waiting for your turn to talk, or you’re not interested in listening or are unwilling to take the time to listen. Whatever the reason, this response prevents you from hearing things that may be important and drives a deep wedge between yourself and the person you’re talking to. Again, how would you feel about me if I responded to each of your statements that way?

I remember a conversation I had with a sixteen-year-old woman and her mother. The teenager asked me, in her mother’s presence, if I could make a single suggestion that might possibly improve their relationship. My suggestion was for both of them to eliminate, as best they could, the use of “I know” as a response to the other. The mother had complained that her daughter used this response constantly—especially when she was reminding her daughter of her responsibilities. Likewise, the teen insisted that her mother used this same response many times a day, especially when she was trying to share her feelings with her mom. Both sensed a lack of respect and felt as if they weren’t being listened to when this response was used.

According to both people, this single shift in the way they communicated with one another turned out to be a major turning point in their relationship. It encouraged them to listen to each other and learn from one another.

This is one of those strategies that has the potential to show results right away. If you give it a try, you may notice that you have more fun than before when listening to others. You’ll hear all of what they have to say instead of the interrupted version. What’s more, because you’re listening better, the people who talk to you will sense your improved listening skills and will begin to relax around you. Their lack of tension will, in turn, make it easier for you to be around them. As always, good listening skills feed good communication and enhance the quality of your relationships.

One more thing: Once you practice this one for a while, feel free to share this strategy with your mom and dad as well as with other important people in your life who might also benefit from it.