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EXPERIENCE PERFECT IMPERFECTION

A huge, sometimes overwhelming source of stress for teens is the perceived need for perfection. Whether with regard to oneself—one’s weight, hair, looks, a poor test score, or failed effort—or related to someone else—the way someone acts, looks, or chooses to live—or just life in general, perfectionism is inconsistent with happiness. If you think about it, the need for perfection and the desire for inner peace are in conflict with each other.

Whenever we need something to be “perfect,” or better than it is, we are, by definition, dissatisfied. Rather than being grateful or satisfied for what we have and therefore happy, instead we are fixated on what’s wrong, what’s missing or lacking, what needs improvement, and what must be different.

Over and over I’ve heard teens say, “But if I want to be my best, I can’t be satisfied with who I am or how I’m doing.” That single attitude, left in place, pretty much guarantees a life of frustration. How can you be happy if you decide, in advance, that you’re never going to be satisfied with yourself?

This strategy has nothing at all to do with not doing your absolute best, striving hard toward your goals, or ceasing to be competitive. Instead, it has to do with being less focused on shortcomings, failures, and deficiencies. It has to do with catching yourself when you fall into the trap of insisting that things be better—or that you look better, or do better, or that others act differently—before you allow yourself to be happy.

As a teen, Jane learned never to be satisfied. So when her goal of getting into a certain college didn’t happen, she spent the next four years at the school she was admitted to, dissatisfied. Rather than enjoy her college experience, she spent four years living in regret and sadness, disappointed in herself that she wasn’t “better.”

I call this strategy “experience perfect imperfection” because as you let go of the need to be perfect, you begin to have the experience that there is actually perfection within the imperfection. Despite the way it sometimes appears on the surface, God knows what He is doing, the Universe knows what it is doing, everything is “perfect” in its own way.

In other words, you begin to realize that we are exactly where we need to be, even if we can’t see it at the time. The mistakes we make are part of our journey, even though we don’t like to make them and certainly do our best to avoid them.

Looking back on her life, Jane realized that the college she went to was, in fact, “perfect” for her. She went on to have a brilliant career. She met her husband-to-be. They had a family, and she has learned to be happy. The way she learned to be happy was to see that just because something doesn’t appear perfect doesn’t mean that it isn’t. She had the experience of perfect imperfection.

You can too! As you let go of the need for everything to be perfect, you’ll realize that in most instances, it already is—in its own way.