So often when we’re listening, a variety of other things are going on at the same time. Either we’re preoccupied with other thoughts, or we’re secretly awaiting our turn to talk. Either way, our minds are busy thinking of other things at the same moment we are trying to listen.
Other times we’re comparing what we are hearing to what we already know or believe. So, we’re either agreeing or disagreeing with what is being said. If we agree with a statement, we tend to think something like, “I already know that.” If we disagree, we think to ourselves, “No, that’s not right.” Again, either way, our minds are “filled up” while we’re listening.
This “busy” or “surface” listening is, by far, the most common type of day-to-day listening. Yet because it’s so distracting, it’s highly ineffective. It causes stress, relationship problems, confusion, and a poor learning curve.
Have you ever been trying to sleep when a pesky mosquito was zooming around your ear? If so, you’ve experienced the frustration of trying to relax with a noise-related distraction. You can’t relax fully because your attention is scattered. The buzzing of the insect is irritating to your senses and interferes with what you are trying to do.
Imagine that you were trying to have an intimate conversation with someone while at the same time someone else was sitting next to you, yelling in your ear. Needless to say, it would be difficult to enjoy your conversation. Like the mosquito, the voice would be an irritant and a huge distraction.
Now imagine that the mosquito and the yelling person were suddenly taken out of the picture. In both examples, all of a sudden your ability to concentrate, relax, and enjoy would be enhanced. Likewise, your stress would go away.
In the same way, when you listen “deeply,” with a clear mind, you create an environment for a rich and fulfilling experience. When you listen with nothing on your mind, you open yourself to a world of new opportunities—with other people, in learning, in relaxing, and in your enjoyment.
With deep listening, you receive information in its purest form without the distraction and stress of internal noise (thoughts). You are able to hear what is being said as it is intended. Your relationships will improve too. When people are talking to you, they will sense your deep and sincere listening; therefore, they will feel as if you are hearing them. Your sincere listening will enhance your connection as people will love to talk to you. They will feel understood and respected.
It’s relatively easy to experience deep listening. All you need to do is to understand its importance and to give it some practice. But it’s not “practice” in the way we sometimes think of practice. There’s little effort involved. In fact, the less effort you expend, the easier it will be. What you want to do is clear your mind and relax—but at the same time, really be there with the other person. By doing this you’re removing the distractions.
As you listen, notice how your mind tends to fill with other things—plans, answers, ideas, questions, fears, fantasies, whatever. When this happens, gently clear your mind and simply listen. While the person is talking, try not to judge, evaluate, agree, or disagree with what is being said, or think of anything else, until he is finished. Simply absorb what is being said. Listen fully and deeply.
Because this type of listening is so rewarding, likely you will be highly motivated to keep it up. Although it will become easier and easier over time, be patient with yourself. It takes some time to break old habits. Don’t worry; even slight improvements in your deep listening skills will reap nice rewards. One final note: As you get better at this type of listening, try to be patient with others. Be aware that it’s likely that they too could use some practice in deep listening.