67
BE WARY OF FRIENDS
WHO ENCOURAGE YOU TO DWELL

There’s an important distinction to be made between a friend who listens well and one who simply encourages you to dwell on things. Obviously, a good friend who listens well is one of life’s greatest gifts and joys. Those of us who are fortunate enough to have such friends are lucky indeed. A good listener is someone who really cares about you and wants to see you happy. She feels your pain but also shares in your joy.

Sometimes, however, someone can appear, on the surface, to be a good listener but is actually more concerned with encouraging you to dwell on your problems and the things that bug you. It can be tricky to tell because someone can seem to listen well when she says things like, “Tell me more,” or, “That’s terrible, doesn’t it bug you?” When you look more closely, however, you’ll notice that a vast majority of the questions and comments from these people are specifically geared to keep you caught up and zeroed in on the things that are upsetting you. One way to tell is that you sweat the small stuff more, not less, after being around such people.

The reason it’s important to determine the difference is that certain people thrive on hearing about other people’s problems. It’s one of the ways they feel alive and important. In addition, it’s a way that some people justify their own feelings of anger or frustration. In other words, if they can keep you caught up and focused on your problems and concerns, they feel that their own confused feelings are justified. The more you stay upset, the better they feel about things. More often than not, they’re not even aware they are doing this—but nevertheless, it’s hurtful to you when it happens. An eighteen-year-old guy recently shared with me that his decision to spend less time with what he called “the energy drainers” was the single most positive decision he had made in years. It freed up energy and happiness that he didn’t even know he had.

You have to wonder what the motivation could be when someone is constantly firing questions to you such as, “Doesn’t that irritate you?”or statements like, “I’d never put up with that.” It’s almost as if these people are personally invested in seeing you become upset—or in keeping you down once you are. True friends will listen to your concerns, of course, but always seem to have an interest in helping you climb back up again as well. They have compassion for the problems you face, but receive no joy in hearing about them.

I’m not suggesting that you start analyzing the motives of your friends and other people. Please know that an occasional question that brings you down doesn’t mandate the termination of a friendship! I’m referring only to people who do this routinely, as part of their normal way of being with you. People are free to choose their own friends, and do so for many reasons. I hope you’ll try to hang around people who truly have your best interests at heart—as you do for them.