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BE CAREFUL THAT YOU’RE
NOT PRACTICING BEING UNHAPPY

“What do you mean? I’d never do that!” These are the types of responses I usually get from teens when I make this type of suggestion. And that’s a natural reaction. Of course you wouldn’t “practice” being unhappy—at least not intentionally. After all, no one would harm his own spirit, at least on purpose.

One thing you’ve undoubtedly learned already in our achieve, achieve, “more is better” world is that the way to get really good at something is to practice it. So, it follows that if you were practicing being unhappy, eventually you’d become an expert. But what do I mean by “practicing being unhappy”?

Suppose, for argument’s sake, that your goal was to be as unhappy, frustrated, and stressed out as possible. What would you need to do? The only way to guarantee that you would succeed would be to think lots of unhappy, angry, stressful thoughts. Without them, you wouldn’t be able to be as unhappy as you’d like. Because our thoughts are so closely linked to our state of mind and the way we feel, we need to think negatively before we actually can feel that way. If you don’t believe me, give it a try. Just try to get upset right now without first thinking about something that upsets you.

We’re always thinking, every moment of the day. It’s just that we’re not always aware that we’re doing so. Let me explain:

Thinking is a little like breathing in the sense that, until you read the word “breathing” just now, you probably weren’t aware of your breath. Thinking is like that too. It goes on and on, whether we’re aware of it or not. The problem is, if we’re not aware of the link and connection between our thoughts and the way we feel, our thoughts can—and often do—encourage us to feel bad. This, in turn, can encourage us to act out in negative ways.

Some of our thoughts are happy, positive, compassionate, hopeful, productive, loving, strategic, helpful, or kind. Others, however, are negative, pessimistic, self-defeating, worrisome, angry, hateful, jealous, or harmful. I’m not suggesting that all your thoughts need to be positive or that there’s anything wrong with having negative thoughts. But you probably can see that unless you’re aware that you’re thinking negatively, and that your thoughts are at least partially responsible for the way you’re feeling, then, in effect, you are practicing being unhappy—without even knowing it. Remember, you’re still having the thoughts.

Here’s something to try: The next time you feel angry, sad, frustrated, stressed out, or otherwise negative, remember this strategy. Check in with the thoughts you’re having. Chances are, they are going to be right in line with how you’re feeling. In other words, if you’re sad, you’re probably having sad thoughts.

If you can catch yourself thinking negatively and drop those thoughts, then very often you can snap yourself out of a negative state of mind simply by realizing, “Oh, it’s just my thoughts again.” To this day, I catch myself having “thought attacks” all the time in my car, the shower, on airplanes and elsewehere. I’ll be mentally rehearsing some upcoming event and thinking about how bad it’s going to be when, all of a sudden, it’s as if I wake up and say to myself, “Wow, there I go again. My thoughts are making me worried.”

Once you see that your thoughts are just thoughts and that they can’t hurt you without your own consent, it will be like a game to you. You’ll be able to drop your thoughts, dismiss them, ignore them, or change them—not all the time, but at least far more often.

This doesn’t mean that it’s always going to be easy, but it sure helps get you back on track. I think you’ll be amazed at the results.