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NOTICE YOUR PARENTS
DOING THINGS RIGHT

One of the most consistent complaints I’ve heard over the years from teens about their parents is that parents have a strong tendency to notice what their teens are doing wrong, but usually fail to see all the things they are doing right. Many teens have told me, “If my parents would only notice more of what I do right and how hard I’m trying, it would be much easier for me to be motivated to do even better, and it would be a ton easier to be around them.”

I’ve been a teen, and I’ve been a parent. My experience as a teen was that teens are absolutely right in their assessment—parents do tend to notice the negative far more than the positive. And I agree, this is counterproductive to motivation, self-esteem, communication, and positive feelings. If parents, including me, could remember this obvious law of life, we would get along even better with our kids, and they would appreciate us much more than they do.

Ironically, however, my experience as a parent is exactly the same as my experience was as a teen. My kids—and all of my friends’ kids—tend to do the very same thing: They notice what we parents are doing wrong more than they notice what we do that is right. Yet people are people, whether we are sixteen years old or forty-six. We’re motivated more by positive reinforcement than we are by negative. We respond better to praise than we do to criticism, and we tend to live up (or down) to the expectations of others, especially family members.

One parent I met has five children, including a fourteen-year-old son. In addition to all the normal stuff she does with him and his brothers and sisters, four times a week she takes him to his year-round athletic practice. She pays for the sport, makes sure he has all the necessary gear, packs his daily snack, takes him to the doctor when he’s injured, attends virtually all the games, supports him in every way she knows how, and even takes his teammates to and from practice on a regular basis. Needless to say, she sacrifices a great deal for her son, and, as is often the case, the best she gets is an occasional “thanks for the ride.”

Not too long ago, she was running behind and got him to practice a little late, for the first time in more than a year. You would have thought the world was coming to an end! He laid into her, furious that she had made this mistake. She, of course, was upset with his overreaction, and the two ended up mad at one another for the rest of the evening.

My take on this event was that he made her feel the same way you might feel when you work hard on something and all your parents notice is what you did wrong, or the mistakes you made, or how you “could have done better.” Their disappointment overshadows their pride in your work and effort, and it hurts. It probably also makes you angry.

As an experiment, see if you can begin to notice all the things your parents do right—how many times they get you where you need to be on time, how often a meal is made for you, or a form is filled out, or something you’ve lost is found, or you’re allowed to do something, or something is paid for.

I can assure you that I make the same suggestion to parents, so believe me, I’m not taking sides. I also can assure you that, if you can notice more of what they do right instead of what they do wrong—or how you wish they were different—the stress you experience will lessen and your day-to-day experience of life will improve. You’ll feel better because the blessings in your life will become more obvious, and your attention will be focused on positive rather than negative energy. Your parents will be easier to deal with too because they will feel more appreciated and valued. Who knows? Maybe your good example will rub off on them and they will begin to notice more of what you’re doing right too.