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TAKE CRITICISM
A LITTLE LESS PERSONALLY

I’ve received a number of letters and e-mails from teens indicating that one of the hardest things about being a teen is dealing with criticism from others. I have found that there is a way to deflect not all, but most, of the sting of criticism. It has to do with taking criticism a little less personally.

For just a moment, I’d like to you to forget everything you think about criticism—how much it occurs, how much you resent it, whether it’s justified, and why it exists. Let’s take a step back and see what criticism really is.

We can only say a few things for certain about the nature of criticism. First, it reflects someone else’s opinion. That opinion may have a grain of truth in it, or it may be utter nonsense. If it’s nonsense, we don’t have to worry too much about it. For example, if someone said to you, “I hate the way you tie your shoes. I think you should you wrap them in cellophane instead,” you’d probably roll your eyes and dismiss the comment. You wouldn’t take it personally.

On the other hand, if there is a grain of truth in the criticism, we are wise to try to learn from it. A few years ago, for example, someone raised a hand after one of my lectures and, in front of more than a hundred people, said, “I think you talk too fast. It really bugs me.” As I thought about it later on, I realized that, despite his abrupt delivery, he had made a pretty good point. I do have a tendency to speak too quickly. Since that time I’ve learned to slow down and have become a better speaker as a result.

Beyond the degree of accuracy—the right and wrong of it all—there is one thing that is always true about criticism. When someone criticizes you, it may or may not say very much about the real you—it may or may not be entirely accurate—but it always speaks to that person’s need to be critical. In other words, if I attack you with criticism, I am telling you that I, Richard, am a person who has the need to be critical. That need may come from my desire to be listened to or heard, or it may stem from a bad mood or pure frustration. It could also, of course, be coming from a genuine desire to be of help. But regardless of my motivation, the fact that I’m being critical of you means I have the need to be critical. This fact doesn’t mean that I’m bad or wrong, only that I have this need.

When you put criticism into this perspective, it’s easy to see that criticism has more to do with the person doing the criticizing than it does about you. That’s why I didn’t have to take the man’s criticism personally in front of all those people. He was expressing his need to be critical. That’s okay; we all seem to have that need every once in a while. I certainly do. While it turned out that I learned a great deal from his comments, I don’t think I would have had I become defensive and taken it personally.

I’m not advocating that you tune out suggestions. In fact, the result will be just the opposite. When you don’t take suggestions and criticism personally, you’ll be more open to what is being said, and your learning curve will sharpen. You’ll see it less as a threat or as an attack and more as a need that people have. Can you imagine how much happier we’d all be and how much less we’d be “sweating” if we didn’t take criticism personally?

The next time you feel attacked by criticism, see if you can apply this strategy. Rather than taking the criticism personally, turn it around. Realize that the criticism is saying more about the person doing the criticizing than it says about you. You might find that it doesn’t hurt so much.