90
DON’T BE AN APPROVAL-SEEKER

Approval-seekers are people who make the majority of their decisions (at least the important ones) based on what they think other people will think. Rather than following their own conscience, wisdom, intelligence, intuition, and well-thought-out plan, they are more concerned with achieving the approval and acceptance of others—parents, friends, society, or whomever.

Being an approval-seeker creates a number of problems. First and foremost, it saps joy from your life. Making decisions, choosing activities, and working toward your own self-created goals are among the most fulfilling aspects of life. No one can step into your heart and know what it is that you love or what it is you should do. Therefore, although there are exceptions, the fact that someone doesn’t understand or disapproves of something you are doing or a decision you are making is usually secondary to what you know to be true in your own life.

Being an approval-seeker also creates an enormous amount of stress and confusion and, ultimately, encourages you to sweat the small stuff. If you’re making decisions based primarily on the approval of others, you’ll discover that one person will cheer for your decisions and someone else will strongly object or be critical. It’s interesting that in certain instances, one person will give you a specific reason why she loves what you are doing—and someone else will use the very same reason to justify why he doesn’t like what you’re doing. For example, many people have told me, “I love your books because they are simple.” Others have told me that they don’t like my books because “they are simple.” You can’t please everyone, and it’s not wise to even try. If I tried to please everyone and overcome all objections to the way I do things, I’d go crazy! The only solution is to know that, ultimately, you have to do the very best you can, act as honestly and ethically as possible, and follow your own heart.

Excessive approval-seeking stems from the fear of rejection—the fear that your own decisions aren’t good enough. But your decisions are good enough because they’re yours. Can you imagine how ridiculous it would be if you had to make important decisions for me? You couldn’t because you can’t get inside my head; only I know what is right for me. It would be just as ridiculous to suggest that I make your decisions for you, or that someone else would be able to do so. We can all be guided and influenced by others—especially by those who love us or who are experts—but ultimately, we must trust ourselves.

Obviously, it’s appropriate to get other points of view and to factor those into your decisions. Sometimes you’ll discover that other points of view are, indeed, superior to your own, and you may choose to modify something you are doing based on the input you receive from someone else. Further, it’s important to understand the distinction between enjoying approval and demanding or requiring it. Everyone loves approval; I sure do. The critical issue is that you don’t have to have it in order to feel good about yourself or to make independent decisions.

So the issue isn’t gathering information, seeking guidance or assistance, being willing to learn and adapt, or preferring approval, but rather it’s one of becoming immobilized when others express disapproval.

Becoming less of an approval-seeker is as easy as acknowledging the importance of approval in your life. If you are currently an approval-seeker, the trick is to admit to yourself that this is your tendency. Then, as issues come up and decisions need to be made, step back and ask yourself whether you are making decisions based on what you really want, or whether you are being overly concerned and influenced by the approval factor. Be patient, as this can be a lifelong process. Over time you’ll learn to trust your own wisdom and discover the joy and success that comes from doing so. As this happens, you’ll be respectful and open to the suggestions from others, but you won’t allow their disapproval to stress you out.