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DON’T BE A DISAPPROVAL-SEEKER EITHER

Just as important as being able to live your life without being immobilized by the disapproval of others is the ability to make decisions without being immobilized by the approval of others. I’ve heard it said that the ultimate sign of maturity is making a decision, even if your parents would approve of it.

Disapproval-seekers are every bit as trapped as approval-seekers. They are people who would never make a decision if they felt that others would approve—especially anyone who was perceived of as a possible authority figure, such as their parents, instructors, or society. These people believe they are being independent, but, in reality, they are imprisoned by their own need to be rebellious.

Years ago I had a funny conversation with a rebellious fifteen-year-old woman. I remembering challenging her to make even one decision that her parents would approve of. I told her I didn’t think she could do it. At first she became very defensive and objected to my challenge. But as she started to think about it, she realized that every single decision she made was a decision her parents wouldn’t like—the way she dressed, the number of pierced body parts she had, the friends she chose, the activities she focused on, the food she ate, the way she studied (or didn’t study), the words she spoke.

It turned out that this particular young woman actually liked what she called “preppy” clothes. She had become so locked into her own self-created persona, however, that she was frightened to admit it. Her freedom came when she realized that she wasn’t making decisions based on what she liked, but was burdened by her overwhelming need to make decisions based on what she “knew” her parents would disapprove of. Far from being independent, she was acting like a puppet.

Becoming a disapproval-seeker probably stems from the need to avoid being controlled by others. The problem is, if you take it too far, you are being controlled by others. The trick is to learn to make decisions based not on a knee-jerk need to do things differently, but rather from what you honestly and objectively know to be true—for you.

Once you redefine what it means to be free and independent, it’s easy to start making adjustments. I remember how difficult it was for me to admit that my parents actually knew quite a bit about life. I only hope that, someday, my kids will realize the same thing about their mother and me.