That evening while Selena finished making the last of the strawberry preserves in the kitchen, Julia corralled Dirk on the front porch. Wade ran determinedly after the chickens in the yard. The squawking hens’ production of eggs the next morning would be greatly diminished, but the chance for a moment’s privacy would be worth the loss.
Julia sat down on the steps, took a deep breath, and began the speech she had rehearsed late into the night. “Dirk, I admire your desire to supply a mother for Wade, even at the expense of your own needs, but I think you’re missing some key components. Components that will be important and necessary for the life you hope to give your son. And frankly, I’m afraid the cost might be more than you’re prepared to pay.”
Dirk looked up warily. When Julia spoke cautiously like this, he knew the topic would be incendiary. He listened apprehensively.
“Your goal in bringing Selena here is to provide a good home for Wade. Will you truly accomplish that if you and Selena continue to live as strangers?” She let the thought simmer in the warm evening before continuing, “A home is more than a mother and a father, Dirk. A home exemplifies positive social interaction, the ability to love, forgive, work through conflict…”Julia noticed the bristles rise on his neck with the word ‘love’. Drats! How could I have lost my focus? I specifically bypassed any reference to that word in my speech last night. Why did the obnoxious term slip in now?
“Julia, you, above anyone else, understand my dilemma.” Dirk spewed out the words forcefully.
“Ok, eliminate the word ‘love’, companionship then. My point is this: you do not want Wade growing up in a home with two people who cannot talk to one another, appreciate each other, or even tolerate one another, which will be the final outcome if you two do not develop some type of relationship.”
“I tolerate, Selena.” Dirk defended himself.
“Oh, tolerance goes far! Listen to yourself, Dirk. What happens when Wade goes to bed? Are you going to escape to the barn each night and leave this poor girl in an empty house alone until morning? I’m not asking you to fall in love; I am just asking you to be civil. Have you even heard her story? Do you even know anything about her except that she meets your requirements? Is that fair, Dirk? Is it what you want to teach your son, to use people for his own gratification?”
Dirk squirmed with the incriminating words. “Well, what do you suggest?”
“I suggest that you take Selena up to the house tomorrow. Have one of Laura’s girls come over and entertain your son while you show Selena around the place. Take the time to learn a little more about the woman you may marry in a week. You owe it to yourself, to her, and foremost to Wade. It will be a long life for all three of you if you two cannot get along, and that will defeat the whole purpose in bringing her to Oregon in the first place, don’t you think? You want a healthy home for Wade, don’t you?” Julia paused while the concept germinated in Dirk. Her foot twitched rapidly in the looming silence. Years of experience made her wait. Dirk needed time to process her argument, but it demanded sheer willpower for her lively mind to do it.
“All right,” Dirk conceded, “I’ll ask her tonight and do my best to be cordial. I planned on taking her to the house, and as you stated, the month’s almost over. I guess I better give her all she needs to make her final decision.
Julia sighed, not a sigh of success, but of frustration. She doubted that she’d made any real progress.
Outwardly, Selena graciously accepted the invitation to the farm; inwardly, she rejoiced. As the weeks had gone by and no reference to the aforementioned trip had occurred, she worried that Dirk had determined her inept as a mother and was just biding his time to tell her so. Over the last few weeks she had fallen in love with this sweet, little boy, and she could not imagine the pain if he too was ripped from her heart. Adjusted now to his new playmate, Wade ran to the house each visit looking for his “Ellie”, deeply satisfying her desperate cravings for love. To be needed matters to most people, but to Selena, whose heart was a dry waste land, it was vital. It rejuvenated life in her barren soul where nothing had grown for so long. Like rain renewed the grass after a drought, love revitalized life, long forgotten. Wade’s uninhibited excitement when he saw her, his cuddles and his laughter watered small sprigs of new growth within her. And like the barren ground after the long Illinois winter, the green eruptions of spring brought beauty. She glowed with the transformation.
Selena awoke early, anxiously anticipating the day. What if I fail as a mother? Can I really create a home for these two? And on a more practical note, What if the house is a shack? Her mind churned with doubts. To escape her wild ramblings, she decided to slip out of the house and begin the chores in the barn. Work always focused her, giving her frantic energy a place to vent, leaving her mind to rest. Shoveling hay from the piles in the field, she lugged it toward the barn. She relished the fresh, cool breeze wafting in the early summer air. What a difference from the musty smells of the mercantile! Although she loved the ordered life of organizing merchandise, the stagnation and claustrophobic quarters of the store, only duplicated again in the attic later each night, imprisoned her. Here on the farm, her spirits soared like the hawks above. She closed her eyes and leaned on the shovel while the sun glinted through the door and warmed her face.
“Wow, look what the cat drug out.” Selena jumped at the sound of Jacob’s voice, much to the young man’s delight.
Without thinking, Selena heaved a heaping shovel of hay in his direction. Jacob squealed with revenge and began an all-out assault. Laughing, she raced toward the door leaving the young man with a light heart, but a large mess. Serves him right. She smiled remembering the fun she had with her own brothers. Are they as tall as Jacob now? She imagined so. Deep in thought, Selena rounded the corner of the barn and plowed headlong into Dirk.
“Whoa, where are you going in such a hurry?” he questioned in surprise.
“Jacob decided to christen me with hay, so I left him for safer quarters.” Her breath came in short gasps from the thrill of her escapade. Dirk had never seen Selena like this. It unnerved him.
“Where’s Wade?” she asked.
“He was up late, so I left him home sleeping with Krissy, the neighbor girl. I thought I would give the boys a hand with the chores until you were ready to go. Looks like that might take a little while if you intend to rid yourself of this excess hay.” He reached up to flick a piece off of her head, but checked himself when his fingers brushed her hair, letting his hand droop paralyzed to his side. She noticed the awkward movement, and felt a rush of color flash across her face. She mumbled a quick excuse and headed for the house. Her heart pounded. She tried to persuade herself that it was due to the encounter with Jacob in the barn, but she knew better. A spark of something she hardly remembered flickered within her when Dirk touched her. She blew the wick out quickly and focused on the battle for her hair.
“Honest, Dirk, she started it!” Jacob countered when Dirk tried to reprimand the young man minutes later in the barn. Dirk stared at Jacob, shook his head, and climbed up into the loft.
“Ok, well, maybe I spooked her just a little,” he yelled after Dirk, “but she threw the first shovel full.”
Dirk arched the pitchfork of seasoned hay off the loft and tried to bury the culprit beneath him. But though his hands kept busy, his eyes wandered out the loft window and up toward the house.
An hour later the wagon rolled down the driveway headed for the farm. The haunting silence confirmed Julia’s foreboding, and Dirk racked his brain for some topic of interest to talk about. Having lived by himself for so long, he found the task cumbersome. Selena saved him the trouble, “So, tell me about the farm.”
Relieved by the familiar topic, Dirk relaxed. “I bought the property a year and a half ago with several barns and outbuildings on it. Julia watched Wade at night, so I could spend my time ripping down several of the smaller structures. I used that wood to frame the present house. It saved some money and made room for an even larger barn that I will build someday. The house sits on a rock foundation. I store my kindling and wagon in a portion of the empty space down there. Above, there is a small front porch which wraps around the front living room. Nothing like Julia’s home, mind you. The house is small and simple, but Wade and I didn’t need much. There is a tiny bedroom downstairs off the kitchen and another two larger ones upstairs. I thought you and Wade would take the ones upstairs, so you could hear him in the night.” The realization that this woman next to him would soon be sharing his home rattled him more than he expected. He found himself speechless for a moment.
Selena’s hopes soared with the description of the house. The realization that she might have a home, a real home, not just an attic, distracted her so much that she failed to notice the awkward silence. Dirk disrupted her thoughts when he guided the horses to the side of the road, “If you turn around, you’ll see the view I mentioned the other day.”
Selena twisted her body in the seat and gasped. Looming in the distance stood Mt. Hood, majestic with the early morning sun gleaming off the icing of snow. The radiance, blinding at the top of the mountain, softened and faded into a purple haze as it drifted down the slopes. Rolling valleys framed the bottom of the portrait. An artist, not content with the original picture, streaked dark crevices of rocky ledge across the white snow “It’s beautiful,” Selena uttered.
“If you look far off in the distance,” he pointed to direct her gaze, “there to the left, you will see another peak, Mt. St. Helens. On a clearer day, you’d see several more mountains even further away.” He glanced over at this stranger by his side and took the opportunity to let his eyes linger while she sat preoccupied by the scene. He found a quiet satisfaction in her pleasure. He loved this view. When times were at their worst in his life, he would sit here and glean strength from the unmoving mass before him. Always stalwart, never changing; he needed that foothold often in his haphazard world.
“Purple mountain majesties…”
“Excuse me?” Dirk asked.
“Words from a poem. I read them in a newspaper years ago. The lines were so beautiful, I memorized them.” She continued, “Amber waves of grain, purple mountains majesties… I never understood the lines of the poem until now. It’s breathtaking. You must never tire of this!” She turned to face him, “Can you see it from your house?”
“Slightly, but this is the best view. I might have a better one if I felled a patch of trees, but I’d need to look the area over before I took such drastic measures. It sounds simple enough, but chopping down a few trees changes wind patterns and leaves tree roots exposed.” Dirk gave the reigns a quick snap to resume their journey. “When the winter storms begin, the wind uproots those fragile trees. I’ve known neighbors losing houses and barns when one of those forty foot spires topple in the wind.
Selena listened intently, enthralled by the idea that he spoke of their property, at least it would be if all went as planned. A home! Never in her wildest dreams did she think she would be anything more than a store clerk, yet here she was approaching land that would be hers. She couldn’t hide her excitement, and Dirk noted it. “We’ll be rounding the bend here shortly. Now remember, it’s nothing like Julia’s. It’s just a work in progress.” Suddenly it mattered very much to Dirk that she approved of his hard work.
Within minutes the final turn loomed into sight. Selena’s body tensed with anticipation. Dirk watched her move to the edge of her seat. “Oh, it’s darling!” Her face lit with delight.
Krissy met them at the door with Wade in tow. The young boy clapped to see ‘Ellie’ and led her straight to his box of toys. While Dirk unharnessed the horse, Selena introduced herself to the neighbor girl. Although perhaps a little young, Krissy certainly was pretty and eligible. That familiar gnawing fear gripped her stomach. Why hadn’t Dirk chosen a local girl to marry? The sparkle in Krissy’s eyes would have intrigued most men. Why not Dirk? Wade tugged Selena’s arm, interrupting her thoughts. She turned her attention to her animated host.
The house did not take long to explore, it was simple but clean. Her mind swirled with creative ideas of how to make it a home.
After lunch, Krissy led Wade upstairs for a nap, and Dirk suggested that he and Selena walk the property grounds. The beautiful air invited the excursion. A warm, dry breeze belied the heat of the day. The weather intrigued the newcomer; Selena had never encountered a summer without the severe humidity that Illinois boasted. She breathed deeply and relished the fact that she no longer faced a stuffy attic. The musty, stifling quarters still haunted her memories. Over the next hour the pair hiked around Dirk’s land. Below the barn a small creek trickled over and around large boulders in its way. Cattle grazed lazily in a pasture nearby while Dirk pointed out a small orchard of apples or possibly peaches in the distance. As they made their way back up the final pasture towards the house, Dirk paused underneath a beautiful maple tree to give Selena a rest. She sat on the lush grass and leaned her back against the solid tree for support gazing far out across the distant valley. Patches of conifer trees hovered together here and there like women gathered at a dance. The wind gusted, and they began to sway to the music. But it was as if they danced to individual tunes, each swaying erratically, heedless of their neighbor. She watched until the wind dissipated and their dance ended, leaving only their boughs waving a graceful goodbye to one another.
Looking up at this man standing silently above her, Selena sensed Dirk had something to say. She waited, twisting the grass by her side tightly between her fingers. He squatted down next to her and began. “Selena, try as I might, I still can’t understand why a young woman like yourself would choose to answer my advertisement.” He hesitated, carefully selecting his words. “I expected someone with maybe… more limited options to answer those types of advertisements. What prompted your decision?”
Tugging fiercely at a few blades of grass, she ripped it up from its roots and placed it by her side before attacking a new clump. “Honestly, Dirk, I’ve been wondering some of the very same things about you. I’ll try and explain my reasons, and I’d sure appreciate it if you could do the same for me.” She hesitated, wondering where she should begin. He watched her struggle and waited, his unease growing proportionate to the pile of grass by her side.
Taking a deep breath, she began, “I ran away at seventeen in the dead of night to marry my husband, cutting all ties to my family. We had not been married very long when…” she agonized over her choice of words, “an accident incapacitated him. I spent the next ten years caring for John until he passed away six months ago from another illness.” Seeing Dirk’s questioning glance, she added, “Appendicitis, the doctor said. Actually, telling you this makes it all sound so simple.” Turning, she locked despairing eyes with Dirk, “… but frankly, my world crumbled around me that day almost eleven years ago.” As she paused to gather her thoughts, she focused her eyes back on the scenery. “The last three weeks have been the first time I have felt alive for a very long time.” There it was out! She reached forward and plucked out a dandelion at her feet, and waited for his response. Dirk watched her intently, contemplating what it would be like to face that kind of trauma at such a young age. But despite his best efforts,“That must have been very difficult!” was all he could think to say.
“The first few years were the worst. Having the immediate responsibility for Johnny’s care delayed the grieving process that should have come with the end of my marriage. It was like my husband died, but life gave me no funeral, no ability to mourn his death. I was completely submerged into my new role as a caregiver. I coped by dying inside. Over time, I developed a love for my child-like husband, and we began a new life together. When he passed away in December, I grieved all over again, but this time I had no purpose, no future, and no escape to dull the pain. Each death dealt a different blow. Stumbling upon your advertisement provided hope I forgot existed. It gave me something to live for again” She looked over at this man waiting patiently by her side. “Dirk, the past few weeks have been the happiest of my life, and if, for your own reasons, you choose to reconsider the offer, I will still be so grateful for the seed of life you planted back into my world.”
Sounds of nature filled the air. Birds sang to each other, squirrels ran through brush, but their silence hovered like a cloud. Finally, Selena broke the spell and said, “Now, what about you, Dirk? Why did you choose to advertise? You could have easily found any girl to marry you right here in town.”
Dirk looked up abruptly at her blunt compliment, but although he greatly appreciated Selena’s ability to capitulate her life so succinctly, Dirk was utterly unprepared to reciprocate her vulnerability. He knew this inability reeked of hypocrisy, but he couldn’t help it. His world fell apart even before Wade’s birth, and his emotions had never recovered. They were as frozen as the top of Mt. Hood. He was incapable of facing the past. He stammered, “Like you, my world crumbled apart around Wade’s birth. My son needed a mother, and I faced it as practically and factually as I could.”
It didn’t address any of her deeper questions, but to a woman scarred by pain, Dirk’s answer satisfied. She nodded allowing him the freedom to say no more. Sorrow brings a companionship that only those who have experienced it understand. They sat in silence, each reliving their own bitter past.
“Selena, if you’re sure you’ll not regret this decision, I think you could fill a huge void in my son’s life,” he hesitated, attacked by memories that convulsed his face. “Wade will benefit with you as his mother.”
Eyes brimming from her emotions, Selena responded, “Dirk, one of the many things I’ve learned throughout this precarious life of mine is that you really never know how you will respond in a crisis, but life entails choices. I may regret my choice now and again, but I will never break my promise.”
The penetrating words pierced the haggard man; his shoulders sagged with the pain. Pushing his emotions aside, he scrambled to his feet and reached out a hand to help her up.
Well, if you’re willing then, I will plan on picking you up late Monday morning. We can go downtown to the town hall and finalize the paperwork and such. Will the justice of the peace suffice, or do you have a religious ceremony that would be important to you?”
“No, I think my parents were too busy to care much about religion.”
“Good. Me neither.” Dirk hesitated awkwardly for a moment, “Curiously though, it’s been bothering me lately.” Answering her questioning look, “Not knowing exactly what I believe, if anything. I’ve been thinking that I may want to explore something for Wade’s sake. Do you have any objections to trying the local church here in town? My neighbors go faithfully, and their lives impress me enough to think that maybe what they believe holds some truth.”
“I haven’t forgiven God, if He even exists, for what happened to John. I prayed like I never prayed before when that horse kicked my husband, and it didn’t help. I might find going to church difficult.” She paused and searched the horizon for answers and found none. “If you feel that searching this out is important for Wade, I will try desperately not to taint him with my views. He’s already suffered enough for one so young; let’s give him a better life than we had, shall we?”
Dirk looked at Selena; her discernment and wisdom, most likely produced from the very tragedy she faced, amazed him. Regardless of its source, it singled her out from every other woman he had ever met. Perhaps there was a God and his cry for help had been heard.
Julia desperately tried to plan a reception for the newlyweds, but both of them emphatically refused. Julia and Jacob stood as witnesses while Wade looked on with the other boys. The ceremony was short, simple and final. After Selena’s trunk was packed on the wagon, and hugs given to Julia, the newly created family began the drive home. Wade enjoyed having Ellie as a companion and chattered away during the ride distracting the pair from their private memories, but those memories roared to life when each faced their individual bedrooms that night. Images of another wedding night full of hopes and dreams brought tears to one and bitterness to the other.