Small explosions disrupted Selena’s deep sleep. She propped herself up slightly on her elbows as she searched for the source of the noise. At her feet a small opening in the canvas allowed a window to the world where the darkness twinkled with dancing firelight. As the sap in the blazing logs heated, the wood hissed with pressure before bursting with another round of crackling detonations. Satisfied, she flopped back into the folds of bedding, wrapping them tightly around her in the cold morning air. The downy quilts enshrouding her body enticed the woman to linger. She succumbed a little longer. As she lay nestled in the warmth, her mind wandered to Wade. She wondered if he missed her as much as she missed him. She imagined not. That household of exciting boys would be a hard act to follow when she returned. She missed him most in the morning when he often crawled into her bed and snuggled at home. Blanket under one arm and his picture book under the other, he would shuffle into her room. Using her blanket as a type of rope to aid his ascent, he would scramble awkwardly upward onto her bed.
“Mama, read!” he’d exclaim after mounting the high feather mattress. He never tired of the same pictures. Over time she mastered the art of peeking through barely opened eye slits to recite the memorized pages without completely waking up. The sleepy boy would burrow into the blankets and nestle against her, pulling the covers up under his chin while babbling about each and every animal. She loved every precious minute. The smell of ham reverted her thoughts back to the present and motivated the young woman to leave the warm covers, change and aid in the breakfast preparations.
After breakfast the men left the campsite to search for the northern portion of the herd’s range, leaving the women to face their barrels of apples. Within minutes they began. Selena watched as the women moved with fluid motion, each understanding the other’s roles and complimenting it with their own responsive actions. Gathering the cauldrons, Cindy set one down in front of Evie while Barbara started a second fire. Cindy and Barbara then heaved the next cauldron filled with water up into the air where they hooked it onto the tripod.
“We’ll process the jars over here.” Barbara said pointing to the pot swinging precariously over the fire she just made.
Simultaneously, the women began to peel and slice apples into a third cauldron. They wanted to get the first batch of apples simmering as soon as possible.
“How many years have you made applesauce together?” Selena asked watching the smooth ebb and flow of their dance.
“My lands, Barbara and I have been doing this for over five years now,” Cindy answered.
“Have you ever canned before?” Barbara asked.
The innocence, the true camaraderie between the women exposed a chink in the layers of defensive armor that Selena always wore. The arrow penetrated deep and without thinking she replied, “Johnny and I canned the local drops every fall.”
As soon as the words left her mouth, her heart crystallized. To expose this side of her life had not been her intention. To Laura, yes; to Julia, of course, but to these strangers, never! Her hands felt clammy and the pit of her stomach churned. She knew the curious side of women, their inquisitive nature that burrowed deep to uncover the root of a tantalizing secret. Relentlessly, women dug, like a gardener stripping a field of unwanted blackberry briers. Ruthlessly, each ripped and pulled until every last tendril of the invasive species lay exposed to dry and rot on the soil unwanted, their curiosity satiated at the expense of the broken stubble at their feet.
As expected, each woman identified the link to Selena’s undisclosed past and locked their eyes on the frightened creature; however, these ladies were different. Cindy looked at Selena, but before she could relieve the tension, Evie handed Selena a paring knife and pointed to the apples near her. “Help me start to fill this next cauldron. I never seem to keep up with the other two gals.”
Selena’s hand trembled as she greedily reached for the remedy set before her. Barbara pushed more wood under the cauldron of boiling water, and the ladies moved swiftly back into their individual responsibilities. Protecting herself with the busyness of the task at hand, Selena admired these new friends that could stifle their curiosity for the sake of another. She knew that each one desired more information, but they accurately perceived her discomfort and choose to disregard their own desires for the sake of her well-being. Her eyes welled with tears. God’s goodness in blessing her with relationships deeper than any she had ever known overwhelmed her and demonstrated His compassion and care in a rich display of love.
The sun shifted lower in the afternoon sky before Selena picked up the final apple from her pile. As she sliced it into the bubbling cauldron, she looked down at her blistered thumb. The paring knife had left a glaring red impression. The steam rising from the pot formed ringlets of curls around her face. Using the back of her sticky hand, she pushed the hair away from her eyes. On the ground by her feet, piles of browning peels filled the air with its sweet aroma, enticing a hoard of predators. The girls shooed away the greedy yellow jackets swarming around the mess before scooping it up. Selena thought they would dump the residue into the fire to burn, but instead, they hauled it down to the meadow and threw the peels into the grass for the deer to find later.
“Let’s wash up in the river before the men return,” Barbara suggested.
Gathering their supplies, Evie and Barbara headed down to the river while Selena and Cindy finished canning the final jars.
“How do you enjoy being a mother, Selena?” Cindy asked the questions as she placed a glass jar into the boiling water.
Selena brightened with the thought of Wade and his antics. “I love it. I’m amazed at how well Wade seems to have made the transition.”
“Well his age made this the perfect time for you to enter his life. He’ll always remember you as his mother.” Cindy reassured.
“That has bothered me a little,” Selena said. “I never want to replace the memory of his real mother. I want to give him the freedom to love us both.”
Cindy locked eyes with Selena before looking away. Unaware of the awkward pause, Selena pressed on. “Dirk doesn’t speak of her, but I know that Wade will have questions as he grows. What was she like Cindy?”
Cindy hesitated, selecting each word with precision. “My own pregnancies kept me from spending much time with Elizabeth. She was gone just a few years after Walt started working with Dirk, so I only knew her briefly… not long enough to develop any real relationship.”
“Elizabeth? I didn’t even know her name.” Selena spoke softly. “She would have been so proud to see the little man Wade’s become.” Selena’s face lit up with pride.
Pressing her folded hands to her lips, Cindy stared at Selena. She opened her mouth to speak, but just then the women returned from the river.
“Your turn,” Barbara exclaimed. “I’ll warn you, the water’s freezing, but I feel so much better!”
Evie hung her towel near the fire and surveyed the last bubbling pot of jars. “We’ll finish here, go ahead down to the river before the men return and want supper.”
The two ladies turned to obey and shelved the topic of conversation for another time, but Selena noticed that Cindy talked very little on the short hike. She seemed preoccupied, unlike her normally vivacious self. It took just a few minutes to reach the small pool, and not much longer to bathe. The temperature encouraged speed. Rinsing the soap from her hair, Selena twisted it to wring out the excess water. “My word, my hair smells even more smoky wet than it did dry.” She looked back at the water. Shivering, she decided to skip another rinse, and dressed quickly. In a few days they would be home for a proper hot steaming bath. It sounded delightful right now.
As they climbed the slight incline back to camp, the deep voices of the men resonated in the air, announcing their return. Cindy veered to the right to shorten the walk to her wagon while Selena continued up a worn trail straight ahead to her own. Her thoughts scampered over the day’s events haphazardly. As she neared her destination, a cold chill shuddered through her body. Violent crashing and pounding from some unknown direction echoed around her. Selena looked around frantically, but her feet would not move.The unidentified chaos triggered the panic careening through her body, fixing her feet firmly to the ground beneath her. Unable to contemplate its source, she, therefore, found herself helpless to run away from it. Frozen immovable, she looked up to see Dirk waving her backward as he breached the ground between them with long strides.
Minutes before, Dirk sat on a large trunk cleaning his rifle. Although the men left the camp early that morning assured of locating the herd, their search again proved fruitless with only a few small rabbits to justify the day. Matted grass and a plethora of droppings assured the group of Lewis’ expertise, but something propelled this herd forward at an abnormal rate. After hours of searching, the frustrated hunters headed back to the camp again empty-handed.
Enjoying the pleasure of sitting after the endless hours of hiking, Dirk let his mind wander over the day, especially to one particular conversation. The men had started their trek as a foursome, but as the hours progressed, Walt lingered back with Dirk, each enjoying the silent solitude of camaraderie. Dirk knew Walt would break the silence when he had something to say. Walt’s depth of insight made him a successful journalist and a discerning friend, but neither journalist wasted their time or words.
“Would you do it again?” Walt asked.
Astute, the question hit its mark. Dirk paused to collect his thoughts. “Knowing what I have, yes; knowing what I could have had, no,” Dirk admitted. “I thought only of Wade’s needs; I deluded myself into thinking that I could remain impervious to a woman’s presence in my life. Of course, I can’t, and when I think how easily I could have succumbed to the very same situation I escaped, I cringe. Only God could have salvaged my desperate attempt by sending Selena.”
Walt eyed his friend contemplatively. Never in their years together had Dirk alluded to a deity. Dirk tried to analyze this transformation. “Selena religious?”
“No. No more than me, but for Wade’s sake, we’ve chosen to focus on searching more about faith in God. Walt, I feel like the missing links, the gut wrenching searching, the sense of hopelessness and endless questions are finally getting answered. ”
Not religious himself, Walt changed the focus of the conversation. “Why she’d do it?”
“Answer the advertisement?”
Observing Walt’s nod of affirmation, he continued. “From what I can tell, to escape her own suffering. She spent years caring for an injured husband. He died last year.”
“You confirm her story?”
A small smile crossed Dirk’s face. “My years spent at the newspaper didn’t go wasted. I found a few reliable leads.”
“Could you love her?”
Dirk grimaced at his friend’s keen perception. “Walt, I’m so far from understanding love. I’m a poor one to answer that question.”
Walt lingered over that statement before responding, “Dirk, I married a gem when I married Cindy, but I’d say in just a few days of observation, that Selena ranks up there as close as one could get to my wife.” Continuing with a chuckle, “I can’t say ‘marry that girl’ because you already did, but you’ve got a second chance for happiness, take it!” Walt stopped on the trail, and scrutinized his friend, lowering his voice even in the middle of the woods; he said “Dirk, she’s beautiful! For goodness’ sake, did you forget what it’s like to be married?”
Dirk shook his head firmly. “I’m completely numb, Walt. No desires, none, and honestly, I don’t want to awaken them.”
“You’re not serious?” Looking at his grave friend beside him, Walt realized it was true, and without thinking blurted out, “May I never be so cursed.” Watching the painful expression sweep across his friend’s face, he immediately regretted the outburst. “I’m sorry; that was heartless.”
“No, I don’t blame you for feeling that way. You have Cindy, but for me it’s better this way. I never want to feel again; because if you don’t feel, you don’t hurt. Besides, if I don’t even know what love is, what’s the use of trying?”
“You underestimate yourself, Dirk. No one ever loved their child more than you do! Love’s an action, not a feeling.”
The conversation ended when gunshot echoed ahead of them in the woods. Hours later as Dirk cleaned his gun back at the campsite, he poured over the ideas Walt laid before him. What was love? He married Elizabeth as a young man smitten by outward beauty, but quickly found beauty a poor substitute for love.
As he sat contemplating his past, the pounding sound of hooves thundered in the distant. In seconds, the campsite erupted into chaos. Matt jumped from his seat, grabbed his gun, and yelled for Evie to get out of the wagon. The others scrambled in disarray trying to determine the path of the approaching mass. It was then that Dirk saw Selena. Fear shrieked from her eyes and his body responded. In quick strides, he breached the distance between them, pulled her toward him bracing their backs against a tall towering fir. He felt her body trembling against his own. He leaned forward to yell over the din, telling her what was happening, but the deafening noise prohibited it. All he could do was point as the lead cow burst through the splintering brush leading the spooked herd in frenzy behind it, demolishing everything in its path. The tarps came crashing down; frightened, the herd bolted around in different directions rearing on their haunches to avoid each other in a clamor of heaving power.
Even though the danger was no less, the visualization of the threat allowed Selena to gain perspective. Her beating heart began to move from her throat back down where it belonged. She relaxed naturally into Dirk’s protective arms as the moving train thrashed past and slowly began to thin out into a fluid, pounding motion. Eventually the last straggling animals, the weaker and younger, ended the procession. But as the crisis in front of the couple dwindled away, a new one brewed within Dirk. The focus now shifted from the raging danger in front of him to the woman pressed close to his body. Unaware of her husband’s battle, Selena tilted her head back to question Dirk, gently leaning her head on his chest to do so. Like the terrorized animals that just passed, Dirk bolted in fear. He sidestepped away, noticeably impacting Selena’s balance and mumbled an excuse about checking on the others. Selena, like a forsaken child, looked around in a daze. The ugly remnants of rejection loomed to life; she gathered them, placed them into a familiar casket and buried them deep. From a distance Walt watched the pair. It was time to talk to Cindy!
Athough in shambles, the campsite suffered no significant loss thanks to Lewis’ insistence that each wagon be placed an adequate distance one from the other. Had they been situated closer, the power of the herd would have tipped at least one of the wagons over. Instead, the frenzied animals took the path of least resistance, driving them right through the open area. The cauldrons lay tipped on their side, and several jars of applesauce oozed from their broken glass strewn on the ground, but all of that could be righted.
As the group stood accessing the situation, Barbara asked, “Will you follow them?”
“No use” Lewis replied. “We’ll find the herd easily in the morning. They’ll leave us a trail right to them, but we won’t want to shoot one now. Stress ruins the taste of game. The adrenalin rushing through their body causes some type of reaction which permeates the meat. We’ll give them overnight to settle and rest. For tonight though, everyone sleeps in the wagons. Some wild animal, probably the cougar, riled this herd. Although I’d be hard pressed not to think it would have captured one of the weakest stragglers, we cannot be too sure. That wild animal is nearby and even if it left us alone, there’s no guarantee that it would not send the herd careening back this way one more time.
“I’ll stay up and keep watch,” Dirk interjected.
“No, need,” Lewis responded. “Best we all get a good night’s rest because tomorrow will be busy.”
Within an hour, the group restored the campsite and headed to their prospective wagons. Selena lay down, but Dirk remained outside. When all was quiet, he poked his head into the tent. “I know what Lewis said, but I think I’ll just bed down outside under the wagon.”
Selena’s frustration, fueled by rejection, flamed to life. “Dirk, get in the wagon!” Furiously, she flipped her back towards him and feigned sleep. But sleep eluded both of them long into the night. When Selena finally awoke, Dirk was gone.
Cindy scrutinized Selena as she climbed from the wagon the next morning. She longed to see some glimmer of hope that a night together in the wagon settled the matter that kept Walt and her talking until the early morning. The haggard look on Selena’s face spoke volumes. Cindy needed to get her alone and unfold some history.