True to Dirk’s prediction, the temperature rose with the clouds, turning the snow to rain. By early the next morning, the glistening blanket disappeared altogether replaced by a dreary layer of mud. Selena peered out at the emerging mire enveloping the yard, thankful for her warm dry home. She turned back to her tasks.
As only two weeks remained until Christmas, Selena desperately needed to prepare for the holiday. She longed to create a celebration they would all remember for years to come, but how? She shuffled through her past trying to recollect some memory to recreate, some tradition from her own childhood to embrace, but they seemed sadly missing. One night after Wade went to bed, she broached the topic.
“Dirk, do you have any memories of Christmas as a child? Maybe some tradition we could begin with Wade?
Dirk stopped poking at the woodstove while he thought. “None I would care to duplicate. Mom tried, but Dad’s drinking destroyed every holiday by the end of the day.” He resumed his attack on the burning embers with increased ferocity.
Her shoulders sank in disappointment. “What about your years at Julia’s house?”
“Now Julia knows how to celebrate Christmas.” But as soon as the words left his mouth, a wave of concern brushed his face. “I guess I should have mentioned this sooner, Selena, but we’ve always celebrated the holidays with Julia. We didn’t talk, but I assumed…I shouldn’t have, but I assumed that you’d know.” He watched, waiting for her reaction.
Surprising him, her face brightened. “Oh, I’m so glad. I didn’t want to disappoint either one of you. I’m just not very good at celebrations.”
Breathing a sigh of relief, Dirk said, “I thought I’d hire a neighbor boy to care for the animals. Maybe we could head down the hill Christmas Eve and spend the night with Julia and the boys. That’s one tradition I’ve created over the last few years. I think Julia would be disappointed not to have Wade early that morning.”
“Perfect! I’ll ask her Sunday.”
Dirk grimaced, “Actually, I already did.” He watched her visible disappointment. “I’m sorry, Selena, I’m not good at remembering to think collectively. In the past, I just made plans.”
Trying to lighten the mood she said, “Are there any other surprises I should know?”
He focused his attention back on the woodstove. She tensed as the room grew quiet.
“Actually, yes.”
The longer the silence hung in the room, the louder it rang in her ears. It was obvious the revelation would be difficult for him.
“I received a letter last week from Wade’s grandfather. He plans on being in town over the holiday and wants to visit.” As if to justify some inherent question, he added, “His wife died recently.”
Selena waited.
Without realizing it, Dirk spoke his thoughts aloud. “I don’t want him here, Selena. I’d rather he not know where we live. Maybe I could have him to Julia’s house or meet him in town. Or better yet at Walt’s house.” He looked up at Selena. Her rapt attention prompted his memory, specifically his lack of clarity regarding his previous life with Elizabeth. He stared apprehensively, unsure how to proceed.
Selena, aware that this conversation proved to unveil her own lack of disclosure, broached the conversation for him. “Dirk, over time, some of Wade’s past…” she paused, unsure exactly how to continue. “Your friends feel so protective of you that they’ve said very little…Not that I asked them! This isn’t going very well. Let me be brutally honest.”
“I think that would be best,” he said testily.
Selena prickled with his tone, feeling that she was on defense somehow. Swallowing her pride, she tried to gather her thoughts, “When we were camping, I mentioned to Cindy that I hoped to love Wade like his own mother would have,” Selena watched the sweeping pain in her husband’s eyes. She understood it now. “Your friends care for you very much, Dirk. In order to help me, but still preserve your trust, Cindy gave me some minimal facts about the situation. Julia filled in a few more details by my request, but I still have only basic information, just enough to help me with my portion of this relationship.”
Dirk evaluated her with his unrelenting gaze. She patiently waited, staring directly into his eyes, exposing her vulnerability. She wanted to ground this relationship in the truth she knew it needed to exist. She prepared herself to answer any question he asked to build that trust. Whether satisfaction or fear ruled his decision, she could not say, but he pursued the conversation no further.
Nodding, he walked to the desk and retrieved the letter. “Read it. It states the request better than I could.”
Unfolding the stiff paper, she sat down on the couch and began.
Dirk,
I imagine the arrival of this letter brought speculation, and I wager a gooddeal of surprise. Believe me when I say that I hope this letter finds you well and in a better place then I presently find myself. Two years ago you lost the worst part of your life. To date I’ve losteverything. Last month, I buried Beatrice. As you can imagine, Elizabeth’s death affected her deeply. Unfortunately, that was just the beginning of our sorrows. Six months ago my advisors informed me that my daughter’s choices continue to haunt me, even from the grave. Apparently, the man that she chose to replace you embezzled the remaining securities I still held at the bank. Upon hearing the news of our financial ruin, Beatrice suffered a stroke; she never recovered.
I arrive in Portland, on the 23rd of this month to sell the house in order to liquidate my estate and pay off my debtors. If you could find it in your heart to forgive a broken man, I desire to see my only grandchild one last time before I leave. Please do not deny me this small request.
He’s truly all that I have left good in this world.
Bert Nelson
Frankly, I expect little compassion from you, nor do I deserve any, but if some fragment of goodwill stirs you during this holiday season, I can be reached at the Imperial Hotel.
Attuned to sorrow, the message touched Selena. She looked at Dirk sympathetically. “I’m sorry. This must be a very difficult decision for you.”
Dirk continued to gaze at the blazing fire raging before him, akin to his own enflamed thoughts. “I hated him, Selena.” His voice, though low, spoke surprisingly devoid of the emotion she expected him to feel. “Elizabeth’s father encouraged her deception. With no regard to me, he knowingly contributed to her betrayal of our family. Now, suddenly family matters to him. Why? I ask myself over and over, why I should care, when he didn’t? But remarkably, I do.” He hesitated and then continued, “For years, I despised him. Just a few short months ago, I would have rejoiced to hear news of his ruin. I would have thought it a just reward.” Looking up at her astonished, “But I don’t! Truthfully, I actually pity him. Like you, his brokenness affected me.” Replacing the poker back into its proper place, he stood up and looked at her. “He’s right, you know. I only lost the worst thing in my life. I never thought of it that way, but it’s true. I’ve prayed about this most of the morning, and then as I read the Bible, the words pierced me. Basically, the verses in Ephesians 2 said that we are corrupt, objects of wrath, selfishly pursuing our own way,” he paused, “but this is the part that got me.” Picking up his Bible, he rustled through the pages and read. "But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy,” he stopped and looked at her. “Rich in mercy to those who do not deserve it! God understands, Selena. And then it struck me, I’m no better than Bert. I’m deceitful and selfish, just perhaps in different ways.” He continued, “And even knowing all this about us,” he read again, “‘God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions!’ Don’t you see? I don’t deserve mercy from God any more than Bert does, but if God can be rich in mercy to me, how can I not do likewise? Then, I continued to read, and the Bible told me why: ‘to show the world the incomparable riches of His grace.’ Selena, I’m still a journalist, but I’m to tell a new story-His grace to me.”
Crossing the room to look over his shoulder, she said, “It’s so personal! I never thought of the Bible that way.
Pointing to the page before him “I felt like God spoke right to me. Selena, I think I should give Bert a chance to know his grandson. I’m not sure I could face God knowing I denied such a small request when He showed such undeserved compassion to me.”
They sat in silence for some time before he continued. “If I met Bert at the hotel, would you go with me?” His eyes pleaded with guarded hope. “I thought about asking Walt, but he might encourage me in a different direction. I want to forgive, Selena. I want to remember that God forgave me, and I think your presence will remind me of that fact. You understand loss. You understand suffering, but you’ve also demonstrated how to move past its crippling power.”
“Yes. I’ll go, Dirk.”
They sat quietly for some time before Dirk continued, “What would you think if we went into town the day Bert arrives and spend the night with Walt and Cindy? They’re always begging us to come. The next day we could meet Bert at the hotel. It will be Christmas Eve, so we can just head to Julia’s after that on the way back home.”
Selena hesitated briefly before continuing, “Dirk, would you mind if I ask you a personal question? Tell me if you don’t want to talk about it,” she followed with a hasty appeal.
He nodded, but she sensed his caution.
“Julia told me that Elizabeth’s parents sent you an article about her death, but I’m sure you confirmed that somehow.”
He admired her keen insight and nodded. “Matt,” came his apt reply.
“Matt?” she responded with amazement.
“He may be a little rough around the edges, but that man possesses a heart of gold. When he heard from Walt that Elizabeth died, he hopped a train telling us, Walt, Cindy and I, that he wanted to visit family, but really he detoured by a day’s travel to personally verify the story. Of course, no one in town knew him or even of me for that matter, so he passed incognito. He spent several days traipsing through the town and brought me newspaper clippings to confirm the news. Selena, it meant the world to me. I’ve thought of him as a friend ever since. People write pages in the story of your life.” He found himself echoing the pastor’s words; they sounded so fitting.
“Was it hard?” Selena continued cautiously.
“How do you mean?”
“Well, sometimes I find that certain events spark memories. Hard memories. Often when I least expect them. I imagine learning of her death brought some of those back for you.”
He stabbed the wood with vengeance. It sputtered angrily. “Yes, it did. Painful ones, ones I thought I had dealt with, but, of course, I hadn’t.” He took a deep breath before continuing his rare vulnerability. Like water cresting the top of an embankment, the feelings flowed over in a steady stream. “I’m still dealing with them: bitterness, anger, but even worse- satisfaction. Satisfaction over the justice of her death and then guilt over feeling that way towards someone I professed to have loved. I buried my feelings for years rather than acknowledge them. I think talking to the pastor has helped me finally face them. These verses helped me see my situation from God’s perspective. I’ve never looked at life that way before. My response to Bert’s letter gives me hope that I’m changing.”
They each retraced their conversation silently before he continued. “Selena, if you’re willing, I’ll write Walt and Bert tonight.”
His depth of wisdom, his simplistic faith, and this intimacy stunned her silent. She shook her head in agreement, unable to say anything more.
As December 23rd approached, Selena paced the floor nervously. I’m dreading this trip. Although her conversation with Dirk encouraged her with its depth of sincerity, there still remained so many unanswered questions. Ones she feared to probe. The most pressing: whether Bert knew of her existence. She imagined he did not. This worried her.
Looking for consolation, she found herself wandering down the lane to Laura’s home. Sarah, Laura’s youngest, met the bundled pair at the door whisking Wade upstairs to be pampered and entertained by herself and her sisters for the next hour or so.
The aroma of bread baking in the oven permeated the house. Sitting over the steaming cup of coffee before her, she marveled at the warmth and comfort she always felt here in Laura’s house. She looked around. A quilt mottled with hues of red, yellow, and blue draped the wall, softening the hewn wooden timbers. She found herself relaxing.
Without indulging too much of Dirk’s personal background, Selena shared her foreboding reservations concerning the upcoming meeting. Laura listened patiently.
“Selena, why does it matter what Bert thinks about you? It seems to me that if Dirk wants you there, that’s the important thing.”
“I know, I know.” She shook her head in agreement. “I keep telling myself that, but my heart refuses to listen. I guess it’s just that I’m so self-conscious. I’m not educated, Laura; I’ve never in my life interacted in society. The small town I lived in as a youngster had one doctor. As he rarely even delivered a baby, I never saw him. Bert was a rich banker in a large city. The banker from my little town spent most of his time running the town hall and anything else that happened to involve a little money; he wasn’t prestigious. I know nothing about the city. Departing and arriving at the train station was the only time in my whole life that I’ve ever been to a city. I feel totally inadequate to meet this man! I’ve heard a little about Dirk’s first wife, and even from the grave she intimidates me. Beautiful, distinguished. Look at me!” She looked up frustrated by fear, “For that matter, I don’t have clothes suitable. It will immediately be evident that I do not belong.” Her uncertainties spewed from her like the rainwater pouring down the ravines on the side of the road. As it raced with gravity, the intensity churned up debris, clouding the water until it tumbled with needles, pinecones and branches diverting the flow into dangerous directions.
“Whoa, there.” Laura tried to slow down the destructive path of her friend. “First of all, what makes you think that Dirk wants you to belong? Selena, you said that Dirk lived in the city for years, and yet he asked you to come along. I know Dirk enough to know that he would never intentionally embarrass anyone; he obviously thinks you’re capable. So think so yourself. Enjoy the experience together.
Laura’s reassuring words shored up Selena’s courage a few days later as the wagon rumbled through the streets of the city. Bundled in warm blankets, Wade sat wedged between Dirk and Selena mesmerized by the sights around him. She couldn’t blame him; the buildings towered above them on each side of the road. She arced back her neck to see just how high they soared.
In the street people bustled from store to store finishing their final Christmas shopping. Decorations embellished the windows enticing them to linger for one last look. Too soon and much to her disappointment, the wagon turned away from the outer city limits to Walt and Cindy’s home in the prestigious King’s Hill district.
“My goodness, these are beautiful homes.” Selena stared at the brick facade on three story homes that graced the lane. “Have they always lived here?”
“No, they moved here just a year ago.” As if to answer her unasked questions, he said, “Cindy’s father left her quite an inheritance when he passed away a few years back.”
The horses slowed in front of one such affluent home. Small faces with flattened noses pressed against the glass peered out of the window. Instantaneously, they disappeared to announce the awaited arrival to their parents. Before the weary travelers even reached the door, the excited children opened it for ‘Uncle Dirk’. Clamoring voices overwhelmed Wade who tugged insistently at Selena’s skirt. Peering down at his anxious little face, she scooped the frightened child into her arms, giving him the advantage of distance and height to evaluate the high-strung strangers. But it took only minutes for the children to entice their new playmate down to join in the fun.
As Dirk and Walt unloaded the wagon, Cindy led Selena up the spacious staircase to two adjoining rooms prepared for their guests. Selena had never seen such luxury. Dramatic drapes hung by the windows. A fire burned invitingly before several chairs and a table in a small alcove of the bedroom. When Dirk brought in her leather suitcase, she unpacked her dress. Shaking out the creases, she hung it in the wardrobe hoping it would recover by morning.
Cindy watched Selena unpack the dated dress. Mentally, she perused her own wardrobe for a replacement. Not exactly the same size or build as Selena, she settled on an emerald- green velvet dress worn before her pregnancies. Yes, that would be lovely and flattering to our unique features. Now the difficulty, how to suggest the idea discreetly.
The couples visited in the parlor for hours after the children went to bed, but soon even the blazing fire could no longer keep the room warm enough to tempt them to stay. While the men checked the animals one last time, the women headed upstairs to bed. As they passed Cindy’s room, she grabbed Selena’s hand and pulled her toward her own wardrobe.
“Selena, I remember the first time I went to the Imperial Hotel. I wore this luscious green velvet dress. It looked beautiful blended against the Christmas decorations. Would you like to try it?” There, it was out; clumsy, to be sure, but the best idea I can conjure up. The gracious friend gathered the garment in her hands and handed it to her guest.
Selena appeared surprised, but the tale did not fool her. “Thank you, Cindy.” Lifting the heavy material, she held it up for length.