5

The hinges creaked as I pushed open the door to my apartment. The air inside was cool and dark, the lights having been extinguished and the fire in the stove doused at least an hour ago. A buttery scent hung in the air, tinged with something acidic and herbaceous. Tomato sauce, maybe.

Moonlight spilled through the main window in my living room, cascading across the couch and floor, sending shadows trailing from sets of blocks and a rocking horse. Walking carefully to avoid them, I followed my nose to the kitchen, where a bit of heat lingered from earlier. A pot sat on the stove. I lifted the lid, leaned over, and took a sniff. Spaghetti and meatballs. I poked it with a finger. Stone cold. I wouldn’t expect it any other way.

My stomach grumbled, so I fumbled in a drawer for a fork and dug in. The meatballs felt mealy against my tongue, stiffened by the cold, and the noodles had congealed into a big, saucy clump. I ate some of it anyway, but only enough to appease the protests of my midsection. The meal wasn’t worth any greater effort than that.

I returned the pot lid to its home and sneaked around the corner into the hallway. I slowed outside one of the closed doors, trying to keep the floorboards from creaking underfoot. I cracked the door and peered in. With the drapes drawn, the moonlight was even fainter within, but I could just make out a still form in a crib. I strained my ears, making sure I heard the regular inhale and exhale of breath before closing the door.

I moved to my room, the lights there having been extinguished as well. I crept in, noting another, larger form lying on the right half of my bed, on her side facing the wall. I heard soft breaths. I guess Nicole had already gone to sleep.

I took a trip to the restroom, came back, and sat down on the edge of the bed. Nicole shifted. I bent over to unlace my shoes.

I paused, with my first shoe halfway off. I’d heard something besides her breathing. A sort of choked moan, maybe a sniff.

“Nicole?”

She didn’t respond, but I heard the sound again.

“Nicole…are you crying?”

She turned onto her back, her face indistinct in the wan moonlight. Something sparkled on her face. Tears.

“What do you think, Jake?” she said, her voice breaking. “Of course I’m crying.”

“Why were you pretending to sleep?”

“You’re the detective. Figure it out.” She turned back onto her side, away from me.

“Look, Nicole. I got caught up at work again. This arson case came up. The fire crews didn’t manage to get the blaze contained until nightfall, and the Captain was all up in my ass to get some movement on it tonight, mostly because there’d already been a fire yesterday that killed someone, and—”

She turned her head. Even in the dim light, I could see her eyes harden. “As if that matters. Today, of all days.”

“Nicole, I don’t understand. What’s going on? Why are you so upset?”

I saw her mouth open. “You really don’t remember, do you?”

I felt a hollow open up inside me. Oh, crap. It wasn’t our anniversary, was it? No. The day we first met? I didn’t think so. Think, Daggers, think…

“It was Tommy’s birthday today, Jake. You said you’d be back early. You promised.”

I felt my jaw slacken. “Birthday…?”

I tried to remember. I’d been in the apartment with Nicole yesterday or the day before. She’d been in her padded sofa chair in the living room, reading a book. Tommy’d been on the floor, playing with his toys. She’d told me about his birthday as I’d grabbed some coffee and my coat. I’d nodded and said I’d be there, but…

“No. That couldn’t have been today,” I said. “It’s tomorrow, isn’t it? What day is it?”

“Gods, Jake, are you for real right now? I just told you it’s Tommy’s birthday, so obviously it’s the fourteenth. Don’t tell me you don’t even remember when he was born?”

I shook my head. “No. No, that’s not what I meant.”

“Then what the hell did you mean, Jake?” Nicole hopped out of bed, throwing the covers off her. In the darkness, I couldn’t tell what she wore. Fleece pajamas, maybe. Once upon a time, she’d slept naked, or close enough as to not make a difference.

“I just meant that… I mean… It can’t be his birthday. Someone must’ve messed with my calendar, or—”

“Oh, heavens, are you KIDDING ME? You’re really going to try to blame this on someone else, or on some trick of fate? YOU FORGOT, JAKE! It’s YOUR fault. All yours. Nobody else’s.”

I stood and faced Nicole. “Okay. Look, maybe I did, but—”

“All he wanted was for you to be here, Jake. For you to make it to dinner for once. To eat some cake with him. Blow out the candles with him.”

“Oh, come on,” I said. “I get that I disappointed him, but now you’re making stuff up. He’s two! He knows, what? Like a hundred words, tops? No way he told you all that.”

Nicole jabbed a finger at me. “I could see it in his face, Jake! He might only be two, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t know what sadness feels like, or disappointment. Hell, he’s extremely familiar with the latter given that you’re his father.”

I felt my cheeks warm. “Excuse me? Now, listen here. I may have made a mistake. I might’ve stayed too late at work tonight, and on a bunch of nights. I get it. But your attitude right now is totally out of line. I’m doing this for you, you know.”

I could hear the strain in Nicole’s voice, her tone becoming higher and higher pitched. “Doing what for me, Jake?”

“Working my ass off,” I said. “You think I like spending four or five or even six nights a week at the precinct? Swilling stale coffee and huffing other flatfoot’s cigarette fumes and wolfing down cold spaghetti and meatballs when I get home? You think I’d rather stare at Quinto’s ugly mug and get savaged by the Captain than be here with you and Tommy?”

“Yes!”

I blinked. “What?”

“You’re damned right I think you’d rather be at the office than here with me! Gods, you’re so full of shit, Jake.”

My shock was short lived. My voice lowered, my rage starting to smolder. “I do this for you, Nicole. I work hard to provide for you. You think our landlord lets us live here out of the kindness of his heart? There are bills to pay. Food. Clothes. Soon enough we’ll have school expenses for Tommy.”

I couldn’t see the tears, but I could her Nicole’s sobbing. She clenched her fists and stomped a foot, her voice becoming hysterical. “Stop it, Jake! Stop it! You think I don’t talk to Allison? Rodgers doesn’t spend every waking moment at the station. He has to work late, too, but not every night, not every weekend. I’m willing to bet he doesn’t sleep in late, either, or rush off to work without saying so much as goodbye, probably because he’s not drunk when he goes to bed.”

I thought I heard a noise in the hallway. “Now hold on a damn minute—”

“Don’t you dare lie to me, Jake! You think I don’t know what whiskey smells like? You don’t even bother to brush your teeth to hide it half the time!”

The sound from the hallway intensified. Crying.

“Oh, wonderful,” said Nicole, her voice warbling. “Now look what you’ve done! You’ve gone and woken Tommy. Good work! Maybe now you can finally say happy birthday to him!”

“I woke him?” I said. “You’re the one who’s been screaming this whole time.”

“Sure. Blame me. Why take personal responsibility for anything, ever?”

My fists clenched, as did my jaw. I did what I could to counteract my body’s natural response, taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly. “I’m trying, Nicole. Trying to do the right thing, but it’s hard. Life doesn’t give us easy choices sometimes. What do you expect me to do?”

Nicole stomped to the bedroom door and threw it open. “You could start by saying sorry! You still haven’t! This whole time. This whole fight. Not one apology. Why is that so hard for you? Never mind me. You can’t even apologize to your own son! What the hell is wrong with you?”

Nicole disappeared. I heard Tommy’s door slam open. His crying intensified, his little shrieks like hot pins stabbing into my heart. Anger coursed through my veins, and even though I knew Nicole was right, knew that despite all the things I’d said, I hadn’t brought myself to say a simple ‘Sorry,’ that didn’t mean I could make myself do it now. With my teeth still clenched, I laced up my half-undone shoe and stormed out of the apartment.