Chapter 4
The Secret She Kept
It had been three weeks since Portia and Celeste stood in the middle of Ginger’s living room and the three of them cursed each other. In church they didn’t acknowledge one another whatsoever. For the past twenty-one nights, unbeknownst to them, Ginger, Portia, and Celeste cried themselves to sleep, missing one another.
In the past, comforting and holding Celeste as she sniffled off to dreamland after an argument with her best friends was nothing new to Anthony. When he married Celeste six years ago, he also married the relationship she shared with Portia and Ginger. It had been many a night since he vowed to love, honor, and cherish Celeste that Anthony listened to her side of an argument after a heated fellowship with her best friends.
Celeste once came home angry and upset after spending a day at Oakbrook Mall with Ginger and Portia. They had been shopping in Lord & Taylor when Celeste laid eyes on a white silk dress she just had to have. The dress was so beautiful; Ginger decided that she’d get it in black while Portia opted for the same dress in red. The idea of the three of them buying the same dress didn’t sit well with Celeste. Considering the fact that she had seen the dress first, Celeste thought that she should be the only one to get it. She explained to Ginger and Portia that anyone with morals wouldn’t buy the same outfit as their friend.
“Well, I guess we don’t have any morals,” Portia said as she and Ginger carried their dresses to the cash register.
That following Sunday, each wanting to be the first to wear the dress, the three of them came to church dressed alike. Celeste couldn’t believe they had the gall to wear the dress to a place the three of them frequented weekly. But what really pushed her over the edge was when a church member approached her and said, “You, Portia, and Ginger look cute today. Portia said your dresses cost one hundred twenty dollars. I think I’ll go to Lord & Taylor after service today. Ginger said it comes in navy, too.” Celeste didn’t talk to her best friends for three days. How dare they tell what the dress cost and where it came from?
It was Anthony who got an earful about how inconsiderate Ginger and Portia had been. But no matter how bad the disagreements were, within seventy-two hours, one of them would make the telephone call that brought the trio back together again.
However, it had been almost a month since Celeste had spoken to her friends and Anthony was fit to be tied at her attitude. For almost a month, Celeste served him overcooked meals and undercooked meals. At least four nights of the week Celeste opted for takeout.
She told Anthony if she never set eyes on her best friends again, it would be too soon. Yet each time the telephone rang and Portia Dunn or Ginger Brown didn’t show on the caller identification, Celeste would pout. Anthony, a motorman for the Chicago Transit Authority, was constantly paged throughout the day with urgent messages from Celeste. In between runs, Anthony would return her calls just to hear her say, “I can’t believe neither one of them has called yet,” or “Do you think I was wrong, Tony?”
Anthony never took sides when it came to resolving an issue between his wife and her friends. Whenever Celeste asked for his opinion on a matter, Anthony would say, “Celeste, that’s between you and your girls,” and he would leave it at that. Anthony learned his lesson years ago when he told Celeste that she was wrong in a situation with Portia and Ginger and should be the one to apologize. That bit of advice had cost him two nights of celibacy. Celeste told Anthony that he should always side with his wife no matter what the case may be.
Anthony drove Celeste to work and kissed her cheek before she exited the car. “Have a great day, baby,” he encouraged her.
Celeste smiled slightly at him then sighed. “I’ll try. Is there anything in particular you want to stop and get for dinner tonight?”
Anthony exhaled loudly. “Takeout again, Celeste? We’ve been eating fast food every other night for the past month.”
Celeste sighed louder. “I just haven’t been in the mood to cook.”
“Celeste, you haven’t been in the mood to cook, clean, do laundry, talk, or make love. Whatever this issue is that you have with your girls, I suggest you do what you gotta do to squash it. For weeks I’ve watched you slam doors and throw things. Then you cursed at me when you got your period. I let you have your moment because your doctor said that stress from trying to conceive would be overwhelming. But I’m not Ginger or Portia. I’m your husband and I ain’t done a darn thing to you.
“Normally the three of you would have made up by now but this is ridiculous. You can be mad, Celeste, but be mad at the right people. Eating fast food four times a week stops today. The slamming of doors stops today. Turning your back to me when we go to bed at night stops today. Having cramps doesn’t justify you talking to me anyway you want. And I want you to stop paging me throughout the day whining about Ginger and Portia.”
Celeste looked at her husband with tears in her eyes but Anthony didn’t regret what he’d just said to her. Celeste needed to understand that she couldn’t continue to take out her frustrations on him or their marriage. Her tears didn’t move him that morning.
“I’ve had enough of this crap,” Anthony stated. “When I pick you up after work we’re gonna go home and cook dinner together. Then we’ll finish the evening off with a little one-on-one in the bedroom.”
Celeste’s tears dripped onto her cheeks. She knew Anthony was right. He’d always been her biggest supporter and he didn’t deserve to be treated that way. “Okay.”
With his first finger Anthony wiped Celeste’s tears then leaned over and softly kissed her lips. “You know I love you, right?”
Celeste smiled. “I do.”
* * *
They arrived home at six-fifteen in the evening and Celeste immediately walked to the caller identification box that sat on an end table in the living room. She pressed the scan button. Ginger or Portia hadn’t called her cellular phone all day but Celeste was hopeful that one of them would have called her home and left a message. There had been two calls but neither call was from Portia or Ginger.
Anthony saw the disappointed expression on Celeste’s face. “They didn’t call, huh?”
Celeste didn’t answer him.
Anthony stepped to her. “Baby, why are you doing this to yourself? Just call your girls. You know you want to.”
“After what they said to me, Tony? I don’t think so.”
“Celeste, you never told me what Ginger and Portia said that’s got you so upset with them. What did they say?”
Celeste froze. She and Anthony had been married for six years and she had yet to share with him what happened during her sophomore year in high school. Celeste couldn’t tell him that Ginger’s recollection of the abortion she had in high school was the reason the three of them weren’t speaking.
Early in her marriage, in a private session with her gynecologist, Dr. Bindu, Celeste revealed her secret. After examining Celeste, Dr. Bindu explained to her that the wire coat hanger that was used many years ago had caused irreparable damage. Her right fallopian tube had been punctured and her entire uterine wall was contaminated. Too much scar tissue had developed. In his opinion Dr. Bindu advised Celeste that her chances of conceiving were next to impossible.
Celeste had decided that it was in her best interest if she didn’t share the news with Anthony. Instead, for years, she had kept the secret and prayed for a miracle. She would continue to pray that God would bless her womb and Anthony would never have to know about the abortion.
Celeste stood in the middle of her living room wondering how she could answer Anthony’s question without revealing the truth. “All of the other times when Ginger, Portia, and I fell out, you didn’t wanna know any of the details. So, why are you asking questions now?”
“Because your arguments usually don’t last longer than two days,” Anthony responded. “In the past the three of you would have made up by now. But you’ve been walking around here miserable and with your lips poked out for almost a whole month. And every new day that passes when Ginger or Portia don’t call, you get even more depressed. That tells me that what happened between y’all had to be something heavy. So, what was it?”
Celeste looked at the mail she’d gotten from the mailbox as she walked toward their bedroom. “It’s sista stuff, Tony. You wouldn’t understand. By the way, your mother called,” she said over her shoulder.
* * *
An hour and a half later, Anthony and Celeste were at the kitchen table finishing a meal consisting of broiled tilapia, steamed asparagus, and baked potatoes.
Anthony savored his meal. “Celeste, baby, you put your foot in these potatoes.” He inhaled his food and licked his fingers as though he’d gone a whole year without a decent home-cooked meal rather than a month.
Celeste smiled. “I’m glad you are enjoying them. Wait ’til you taste the dessert. I put both my feet in it.”
Anthony became excited. “What is it?”
She smiled. “Your favorite.”
He returned Celeste’s smile. “Strawberry shortcake?”
Celeste nodded her head. Anthony leaned over and kissed Celeste’s lips. He then stood from the table and hurried over to the refrigerator. Anthony retrieved the strawberry shortcake from the refrigerator and brought it back to the table. He grabbed two saucers and a knife from the dish rack and sat down. He sliced generous portions for Celeste and himself.
Celeste laughed at the way Anthony hummed as he savored his dessert. “You remind me of a little boy sitting in a high chair swinging his feet while he eats a snack.”
Anthony chuckled. “What can I say? It’s been awhile.”
After dessert Celeste took the dinner dishes to the sink to wash them. She dried the dishes, set them in the dish rack, and turned off the kitchen light. She went into the living room and sat on the sofa. She pressed the scan button on the caller identification again to look for Dr. Bindu’s office number. He was the second person who had called.
When Celeste had found his number she picked up the telephone and dialed. Anthony told Celeste that he was going downstairs to the basement to start a load of laundry.
With Anthony out of earshot, Celeste felt it was safe to make the call. It was late in the evening and Celeste was prepared to just leave a message on the answering service. She was surprised when her call was answered.
“Dr. Bindu’s office, may I help you?” the chipper receptionist answered.
“Is this Sharla?” Celeste asked.
“Yes, it is.”
“Hi, Sharla. It’s Celeste Harper.”
“Oh, hi Celeste. How’s it going?”
Celeste loved calling Dr. Bindu’s office. Sharla was always in a good mood. “Everything is good, Sharla. Thanks for asking.”
“Did you get your period this month?” At her first appointment with Dr. Bindu, while Celeste sat and waited for her name to be called, she and Sharla had hit it off. Without going into great detail Celeste confessed to Sharla that she and her husband hadn’t been successful in conceiving a baby. Sharla told Celeste that if anyone could help her become pregnant, Dr. Bindu could. She had witnessed many women get treated by Dr. Bindu and overcome their fertility issues. Sharla insisted that Celeste was in good hands.
“Yeah, unfortunately I did. But I’m returning Dr. Bindu’s call. Is he in?”
“He’s just finishing with a patient. Hold on a moment.”
Celeste shifted her position on the sofa and placed her legs beneath her in the shape of a pretzel. She looked over her shoulder to make sure Anthony wasn’t in earshot of her telephone call.
A couple of minutes later Dr. Bindu was on the line. “Mrs. Harper, how are you?”
“I’m fine, Dr. Bindu,” Celeste whispered. “I’m a bit puzzled why you called.”
From the basement, Anthony came upstairs, went to the telephone on the kitchen wall, and picked up the receiver to call his mother.
“Well, I’m concerned about the results of your latest exam,” Dr. Bindu explained. “There’s more scar tissue than I thought. You said a wire coat hanger was used to abort the fetus years ago and it seems that the hanger may have caused more damage than I originally detected. I’m pretty sure this is the reason why your periods are so heavy. I’ve detected fibroid cysts and I’m afraid that you and I should discuss whether a partial hysterectomy is necessary.”
Anthony’s mouth fell open. He poked his head around the doorway to the kitchen and saw Celeste sitting on the living room sofa with her back to him. Anthony placed the telephone on its base.
Celeste heard the click and turned around. She saw Anthony walking her way. Suddenly all the blood drained from her face. She quickly disconnected the call with Dr. Bindu and looked up at him. The expression on Anthony’s face told Celeste that he’d heard the entire conversation.
Anthony’s eyes were the size of golf balls. “What the heck was he talking about?”
Celeste became nervous, but she wasn’t going to confirm or confess anything until Anthony revealed that he knew her secret. “Um, that was Dr. Bindu.”
“I know who it was, Celeste. What was he saying about a coat hanger and abortion?”
Celeste’s heart beat so fast she felt it was about to explode from her chest. Her entire body shook with nervousness. She felt as though she had pneumonia. She was chilled to the bone yet she was burning up.
The secret she had hidden from her husband for years was now exposed. That was the moment that Celeste prayed she would never have to face. She had been willing to keep living the lie and take it to her grave if it would save her marriage.
“What was Dr. Bindu talking about?” Anthony yelled.
Celeste flinched at Anthony’s outburst. She didn’t say a word. She just sat and looked at him with pity in her eyes.
“When did you have an abortion, Celeste?”
She knew it was time for her to confess everything. Celeste silently prayed to God that Anthony wouldn’t leave her when she revealed how deceptive she’d been. She looked deeply into her husband’s eyes. She didn’t know she was crying until a single tear had fallen from her lower eyelid and trickled down her face. “Baby, I’m so sorry. I never wanted you to find out this way.” Truth be told, Celeste never wanted Anthony to find out at all. She patted the cushion next to her. “Come and sit next to me.”
Anthony stood where he was. He glared down at Celeste. “Just tell me when you had an abortion with a wire hanger.”
Celeste wiped the tears from her face. “It was my sophomore year in high school. I got pregnant and I was scared to tell my folks. My mother wouldn’t have been able to bear it. And I couldn’t even fathom the thought of how disappointed in me my father would have been.”
Anthony stood looking down at his wife. “Is it the reason you can’t have a baby?”
Celeste’s mouth went dry. Since she’d met Anthony she prayed that her promiscuous years would never catch up with her and have to be revealed to him. What was she going to do? How could she explain to her loving husband why she kept such a deep, dark secret from him all these years?
Celeste stood from the sofa and grabbed Anthony’s arms that were folded across his chest. “Dr. Bindu believes so.”
Anthony released his arms and took a step backward. “So you’ve been lying to me all these years? Crying every month when you got your period, going from doctor to doctor and making me get myself checked out like I could’ve been the problem. And all along you knew we would never have a baby.” Anthony looked at Celeste with disgust in his eyes. She was damaged goods.
Celeste stepped to Anthony. She tried to grab his hands but he wouldn’t let her. She started to cry openly. “When we first got together, all you talked about was getting married and having a house full of kids. You told me that it was your dream to become a father. I didn’t know then that the abortion I had five years prior would be a problem for us. That’s why I never mentioned it. It wasn’t until after we got married and started trying to conceive, and couldn’t, that I got concerned. I made an appointment with Dr. Bindu and found out that the abortion killed my chances of getting pregnant.”
“And you said nothing to me.”
“Baby, I’m so sorry that I kept this from you but I didn’t wanna disappoint you.”
Anthony looked at her tearstained faced and shook his head from side to side. “All this time, Celeste. All this time you had us fasting and praying that God would do a miraculous thing when you knew all along why we couldn’t get pregnant. And I don’t buy the crap about you not feeling the need to tell me about the abortion. I could understand you hiding something like, ‘Honey, when I was in high school I stole lipstick from the convenience store,’ or ‘Honey, when I was in high school I pulled the fire alarm just to get out of class early.’ That’s something you shouldn’t feel the need to tell your husband. But ‘Honey, in my sophomore year of high school I had an illegal abortion. I don’t know if it did any damage but it’s something you should know.’ The abortion part of your history is something you’re supposed to share with the man who asked you to become his wife.”
Celeste was distraught. She wanted to reach out and hug Anthony but thought better of it. She wiped more tears from her eyes. “Honey, you’re right. I should’ve told you but I was afraid.”
Anthony’s voice rose. “Afraid of what, telling me the truth?”
“I was afraid that if you knew my secret you’d leave me.”
Anthony looked to the ceiling and exhaled loudly then looked at Celeste. “When God told me that you were my wife, He didn’t say that you came with children. I’m not the type of man who would leave a woman I love just because she’s barren. If you are barren, I would still love you ’til death do us part. But what about the vows we took, Celeste? What about being honest and trustworthy? What about that? Huh?”
Celeste saw three Anthonys through her tears. “I’m so sorry, Tony. Please forgive me.”
“What else have you been lying about?” he asked. “What else have you been keeping from me? What else don’t I know? How many secrets do you have?”
Celeste took a step toward Anthony. “There’s nothing else, Tony. I swear.”
He moved backward to keep Celeste from touching him. “You really expect for me to believe you?”
Sniff, sniff. “There’s nothing else, Tony. I promise.” Sniff, sniff.
Anthony shrugged his shoulders. “How can I trust you? Put yourself in my shoes, Celeste. How would it make you feel if I had failed to tell you I had a vasectomy before I met you? Yet, I marry you and let you believe that everything was in working order. And for six years we’re trying to get pregnant but can’t and I know I’m the reason. But I didn’t tell you because I thought you wouldn’t marry me. I’m just hoping and praying the procedure I had done would reverse itself. Wouldn’t you feel six years of countless doctors visits were a waste of your time? Wouldn’t you be hurt and disappointed that I wasn’t open and honest with you from the beginning?”
Again Celeste reached out for him and Anthony stepped backward, this time raising his hands in the air. He yelled at her, “Don’t touch me! You are a liar and a manipulator.” He grabbed his car keys from the cocktail table and walked to the front door.
Celeste ran after him. “Where are you going, Tony? Please don’t leave like this. Don’t leave me, Tony, please.” Celeste grabbed him by the elbow.
He pushed her into the wall and gritted his teeth. “I said don’t touch me.” Anthony walked out the front door and slammed it behind him. The force almost shattered every window in the living room.
Celeste fell to her knees crying after him. “Tony, Tony, Tony. Come back. Baby, please come back. I’m so sorry. Oh God. I’m so sorry.”
Celeste sat with her back against the front door. She was all alone. Whenever she and Anthony argued, she would call Portia and Ginger and the three of them would gather around Portia’s kitchen table and eat chocolate cake, chocolate candy bars, and chocolate ice cream. They would kick up their heels, unbutton their pants, and rotate the chocolate around the table as Celeste vented. Then the next morning like clockwork Portia and Ginger would call Celeste and yell at her for making them gain five pounds in one night.
But for the first time in Celeste’s six-year marriage, she didn’t have Anthony, Ginger, or Portia. And there wasn’t any edible chocolate in her house, not even a single Hershey’s Kiss. Celeste bowed her head and cried harder.