Many people fear that no matter how they prepare, their negotiation will spiral into an unproductive debate or a shouting match. Even if you’re approaching the negotiation with a collaborative, joint problem-solving mindset, it’s possible that things will get heated. You know when it’s happening: Perhaps you feel yourself getting emotional; you sense that your blood pressure is rising, that you’re becoming angry or anxious. Maybe your counterpart is doing the same. The volume might be getting louder, or perhaps one or both of you have started to yell.
Let’s look at an example inside a company doing its annual budget planning. Betty, the head of sales, is preparing her budget for next year, and she’s meeting with Amit, the director of finance. Betty has asked Amit several times for revised numbers that she can include in her budget. Instead of delivering, however, he keeps coming back to her with more questions.
Betty’s draft budget is due to the CFO first thing tomorrow morning, so she sends Amit a meeting request to discuss what’s going on. Amit accepts, but shows up 15 minutes late. After explaining why she needs the numbers today, Betty asks what’s preventing Amit from just giving her the numbers she’s asked for. He begins to explain that she hasn’t shared enough information and that he’s been working hard to make sense of what she has given him.
Betty raises her voice: “I’ve asked you four times to give me those numbers, you showed up late to this meeting, and this is somehow my fault. Why can’t you just do what I asked?”
Amit can’t believe she’s not getting it. “I’ve been working on your numbers for weeks! But I can’t get you the final figures until you give me all the information I need. Don’t you understand that this is on you?”
This may not strike you as a negotiation at first glance, but it is: There are two parties, with different incentives and interests, who are trying to come to an agreement about how to proceed. In this case, a conflict has erupted, but it doesn’t have to hurt Betty and Amit’s relationship or Betty’s draft budget.
Emotions get heated during a negotiation because there are high stakes: people’s jobs, their standing with their bosses, their confidence, the success of a venture, or the future of their business.
A negotiation can also get emotional when you and your counterpart haven’t communicated well (as we saw in the previous chapter). Perhaps you misunderstood each other’s intentions or offended each other by accident, and feelings were hurt.
Whatever the reason the conversation has turned combative, help your counterpart—or yourself—go from boiling to cool. Remain calm, work to understand what’s triggered both of you, see if you can use any of your emotions to help you make your case, and address any systemic problems.
If your counterpart is worked up, try to stay calm. This is easier said than done. Here are a few ways to help defuse the situation:
When Amit snapped back at her, Betty took a deep breath and sat back in her chair, putting both feet on the ground. With her body steady, she was able to begin calming down, but she couldn’t help noticing that Amit still had a red face and crossed arms.
Betty’s next step was to apologize for her outburst. She didn’t stop there, though. She also asked Amit why he was upset. She moved forward to listen and let him go at it.
Amit said that he was under a lot of pressure given that it was budget time. He admitted that Betty wasn’t the first person to get angry with him that week. He talked about how he was missing his targets because he did not get enough resources last year. He even shared a situation two months back when he had asked Betty for help and had gotten nothing. She had no idea what he was referring to, but she didn’t stop him; instead, she asked what the consequences had been. With all that off his chest—and with Betty’s evident openness to hearing from him—Amit calmed down, too. Betty watched, relieved, as Amit’s shoulders began to relax and he uncrossed his arms.
As you try to move forward, it’s helpful to know what’s gotten you worked up in the first place. We all have pet peeves or behaviors that push our buttons. Develop an awareness of what typically makes you upset. Perhaps you don’t like it when someone challenges your truthfulness or integrity. Maybe you get mad when someone exaggerates her point or keeps repeating it. Perhaps it’s when someone calls you on something you know you need to work on or something you pride yourself on that the person is now framing as a negative. Sometimes simply understanding the underlying reason for your anger can help you regain control.
Pay attention to what makes your counterpart upset as well. Observe when she gets emotional. Are there certain words or behaviors that seem to provoke her? If you’ve negotiated with her in the past, try to think back to other occasions when she has gotten upset. Do you notice any patterns?
Once Betty and Amit began to calm down, Betty reminded herself that she always got angry when people showed up late to meetings because it made her feel disrespected. She worked many hours in the evening and on the weekends to ensure she was never late, and here not only was Amit late for the meeting, but he was on the verge of making her late submitting her budget. She recognized that this was her trigger and that was probably what made her particularly upset.
Betty also remembered that the sales team was known for being overly punctual, and finance just the opposite (perhaps, she now realized, due to the workload created by the demanding sales team). She had worked with Amit for several years and had seen him get upset before: It happened most often when people questioned his work ethic. Amit, too, worked long days, often staying into the evening, and he prided himself on the quality of his work, even if it didn’t always get finished on time. To him, working hard and getting things right were more important than meeting a deadline.
Betty suggested that she stay late with Amit that evening so that they could work on the numbers together. Amit would get the information he needed to get the calculations right, and Betty would be able to submit her budget on time. Amit agreed, and both left the meeting feeling much better about the plan and each other.
Some people think that they aren’t supposed to be emotional in a negotiation, that they shouldn’t reveal what they’re feeling, whether it’s good or bad. But there are times that showing passion can be helpful. While perhaps Betty derailed the conversation by losing her cool in the meeting, at least Amit now understood how much she cared about getting those numbers and delivering her draft budget on time.
If something upsets you, or if someone pushes your buttons, it’s fine to show that you’re angry, frustrated, or disappointed. (Reacting without forethought by banging the table, jumping up and down, storming out of the room, or verbally attacking your counterpart, however, is a different story; being out of control is never helpful.) If you’re really excited about something positive, such as a feature of the agreement, or something of concern, such as the need to solve a key problem, it’s OK to express your passion. Of course, do so as a conscious choice. You certainly don’t want to accidentally signal that you’re particularly needy (that you care about this interest over all else) or desperate (that your alternatives aren’t very good). Instead of letting your emotion control you, harness that emotion and use it to make your point.
You can also harness your counterpart’s emotion. Use it to uncover his interests (especially fears or concerns) or as a catalyst to invent options. “You’re steaming mad, and I am, too, so what can we do about this?” or “You’re clearly hurt. What are some ways we might fix this?” If the person is emotional, he is engaged, and this is often the best time to move into the circle of value. As the emotion dissipates, you might move to sit beside him, focus on a common piece of paper or flip chart, and begin recording interests, options, and standards together.
Sometimes emotions run high not because of something specific that’s happening in the room but because there is a long-standing unhealthy relationship between the two parties. If you sense the underlying reason for your counterpart yelling at you has little to do with what you’ve just said, try talking about that.
If you’re surprised by the negotiation turning emotional, or if negotiations with a particular counterpart turn sour on a consistent basis, it is likely a sign that something systemic is going on. Discover what the underlying cause is: missed deadlines, other broken commitments, lack of preparation, disrespectful comments or behaviors, past threats or escalations, or truth stretched. Use what you learned in chapter 6 about managing the relationship: Explicitly bring these issues up instead of letting them fester, and discuss how to solve the underlying problem rather than just temporarily smoothing things over.
Emotional outbursts can be scary, and it’s often hard to imagine how to get past them in the moment. But balancing your and your counterpart’s reactions—allowing emotions to be expressed but also thinking analytically about what’s really going on and how to address it—helps the conversation stay productive and helps you find solutions that work for everyone.