Rose crept into her hotel room like a teenager out past curfew. And like parents catching a juvenile delinquent, Laney and Charli stood in the hallway of her room, a few feet away, talking in hushed tones. They stopped once Rose stood before them.
Charli gave Rose a small, knowing smile.
Laney arched a brow. “Why, if I’m not mistaken, Rose has a brand spanking new hickey on her neck.”
“Her lips are awfully dark,” Charli added.
“And a little swollen.” Laney glanced at Charli. “Do her lips look a little swollen?”
Charli nodded, her smile growing.
Rose shook her head, while not doing a good job of hiding a smile. She didn’t want to lie to her friends. She also wanted to keep secret what she and Jac had just done. They’d kissed. A lot. And she had a hickey now? That Jac. But at the time, everything he’d done was so…why could she think of no better descriptor than perfect? But it was. Better than she could have imagined. He was warm, gentle, sometimes wild and rough, patient, impatient—the polarity equaled perfect for her. And she didn’t want anyone to know anything. Not yet. It was too new and bright and pretty to share.
She opened her mouth, but Charli said, and exceptionally loudly for her, “You don’t have to say a word, Rose. You seem uncomfortable and that’s the last thing I want you to be.”
Laney nodded. “Sorry. I’m teasing you, but it’s sounding rather dorky.” She waved for Rose to come inside her own hotel room, to hang out in the living area. “You can do whatever you want to whomever you want. Besides, we came here to talk about other things.”
Whomever? Rose had taken a few steps closer but hesitated. Her heart sank. She’d just gone from having her heart soar while with Jac to now bottoming out and falling onto the floor. Her friends weren’t even sure who she was kissing. Sure, maybe Laney had said “whomever” to give Jac some privacy. But Rose realized that she’d hidden herself to such a degree that, though her friends might guess she was with Jac, they weren’t sure. Only, she felt some part of her was clamoring out, trying to be seen, waving its arms, screaming, “I’m right here! Why can’t you see me?”
“Other things?” Rose asked, deciding to let numbness take over, to let her heart remain on the floor and kick it over as she walked to one of the chairs, sitting alone.
Laney settled on the couch. “If this isn’t the right time to talk, let me know, okay? But I’d like to know why you didn’t tell us your plan regarding your money.”
“It was never mine to begin with.”
Charli nodded and strolled closer to the opposite side of the couch from Laney. “Okay, but even that, I didn’t know you thought of the money you earned as not yours.”
She looked at Charli. “The tribe paid for my college while you had a scholarship.” She looked at Laney then, cringing. “And you got in debt.”
Laney quirked her head to the side. “All my school debt is forgiven, by the way, even the stupid PhD.”
Rose had tried to pay off Laney’s debt, but she had refused. They’d even had a few tense words about it, which for both her friends were rare. Except everything felt tense now.
“I’m glad,” Rose said. “Anyway, my point was, that the tribe gave me the money to learn, to not be in debt, and I’ve always wanted to repay them.”
“You want to do more than that,” Charli said. She leaned forward. “A hell of a lot more than that.”
“Invest in the next seven generations, right?” Rose said crossing her arms, feeling more and more defensive.
Charli nodded. “Yeah, but none of that was meant for one single person to do on her own. It’s for all of us to contribute to future generations.”
Rose nodded. “Charli girl, you do that by being an amazing role model. You’re the world’s fastest woman, and that paves the way for a lot of other kids to dream and gives them hope, hope that they might not have had without seeing you.”
Laney’s hand rose like she was one of her middle-school students. She noticed what she was doing, shook her head, and put her hand back on her lap. “This is all awesome. I’m in awe of the both of you. But why I brought this up was because…was…why didn’t you tell me any of this? Do you not trust me?”
Charli nodded. “You’re making out with someone on the sly. Is it some business dude who’s in the hotel? Why aren’t you telling me anything? Do you not trust me?”
Whoa. Rose’s friends really didn’t know what was going on between her and Jac. If she had her heart, it would have broken then.
Laney shook her head. “Does it seem like we’re ganging up on you?”
“Yes,” Rose answered honestly, noticing how her crossed arms were that much stiffer.
“I don’t mean it that way,” Laney said.
“I don’t either,” Charli added.
She looked away from her friends’ concerned faces and tried to remember Jac’s just minutes ago. His pupils had been huge, but the edge of blue in them sparkled, making her feel like his blue was inside her, bright like a summer day. There’d been pink in his cheeks, his lips. She’d felt so good in his arms, him holding her whole body. She’d thought it a little odd he was holding her so high on him. She had to lean her head down in order to kiss him, which was a first. But a fun first. Then, as she’d left, she couldn’t help but notice his erection. She’d ogled because that had been seriously hot. As she’d walked on clouds back to her hotel room, she realized the thoughtful gesture of holding her the way he had: He’d been sexual without any pressure.
She wanted to live in that moment, and not this one with her friends. But she returned because she’d be a jerk if she didn’t. “I trust both of you,” she answered, glancing at them. “You’re both very trustworthy.”
“Thanks,” Laney said, sounding despondent and sad.
Charli shook her own head. “Then why aren’t you talking to us?” Okay, Charli was losing her patience—obvious from her tone, which she never did. Or rarely, at least. She flung her hands around her head. “What made you think you couldn’t share any of your, quite possibly, world-changing plans with—”
“I don’t know,” Rose interrupted.
“You just left on this trip, not telling Charli or me—” Laney tried to add.
“I did too tell you I was going on this trip,” Rose interrupted again, feeling beyond defensive. Why were her friends cornering her like this?
Laney nodded. “But you didn’t tell me when. You talked about the trip at that awkward dinner, where Joe and I found you taking over Jac’s house—”
“I wasn’t taking over Jac’s house.”
“You slept in his bed.” Laney’s voice was just a smidgen louder, making Rose hunker in. Her arms were very stiff at this point, but she wasn’t going to uncross them.
Rose wanted to fling her own hands around her head like Charli had but hiked her shoulders instead. “So? And what the hell do you mean I was taking over his house by just sleeping in his bed?”
She’d yelled that last bit. She hadn’t meant to, and she wanted to bite off her own tongue, knowing both Laney and Charli were averse to being yelled at. Hell, no one liked being yelled at, but Rose knew her friends were similar to her mother—they’d break down, stop functioning, stop talking, and then they’d cry.
A memory came unbidden, foggy but the words were clear. Ted and Rose were in his pickup. They were on the edge of one of the farm’s barley fields, staring at the sunset and Ted was drunk. Rose thought she could have been eleven and had asked if he would teach her how to drive, mainly because she was scared he couldn’t in his state. He’d laughed and laughed as she tried to figure out how to shift the gears and drive forward, in one of his rare easy-going drunk moods, and said, “You’re just like me! So stubborn. You’ll get it Rosie girl, because you’re so stubborn. Just like me.”
She looked like her mother, which Rose now was ashamed of herself for not wanting to look like lovely Lily. But throughout her life she’d fought so hard to not be like her mother she feared she had turned into her father, the curse he’d said all those years ago. She was just like him—taking too much, taking advantage of people like her friends, like Jac, yelling, demanding, impatient, unkind, and bitterly resentful.
“Enough,” Charli said, her voice low and louder than usual.
Rose waved an arm at Laney. “No, not enough. That’s not fair. She’s accusing me of—what?—taking advantage of Jac just because I’m getting close to him?”
Charli pursed her lips. “Enough of the yelling, please. We can do this without yelling at each other.”
Rose was on the tip of saying something, though she hadn’t figured out what, when Laney nodded. “I did this. I yelled. And I’m not saying what I really want to say. I’m sorry.”
Rose shook her head. “Are you? Because I’m pretty sure you’re saying exactly what you want: you don’t think I’m good enough for Jac. You think I run around hotel hallways, kissing strangers.”
“I didn’t say that.” Laney crossed her own arms. “I never said anything remotely like that. It was Charli who talked about kissing businessmen.”
“Hey.” Charli shook her head. “I only did that because we all know she’s kissing Jac, but I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable.”
“You thought I would be more comfortable if you accused me of kissing random businessmen?”
“I…it doesn’t make sense now,” Charli grumbled.
Rose turned to Laney. “And why are you harping on and on about me and Jac anyway?”
“I’m not harping—”
“Yes, you bloody well are.”
“Because I don’t want to see him get hurt!” Laney was back to yelling.
“And I can’t get hurt out of this scenario?” Rose waved at her own chest.
“Rose, come on,” Laney said. “Since when are you serious about any man in your life? You joke about ravishing pool boys who are men, but still.”
“I’m just joking,” Rose defended herself. “You said it yourself. I’m just joking about that.”
“The point is,” Laney said, “you think men are jokes.”
“I don’t think that.” Rose looked at Charli. “Since when have I ever said anything remotely like that? And by the way, I’m getting really fucking tired of being told what I think and feel. It’s really fucking insulting.”
She and Laney were quiet for a beat, both breathing hard, staring at each other.
Charli sighed, making Rose and Laney glance at her. “I didn’t come here for this.” She was looking directly at Laney, her own arms crossing over her chest. “You didn’t come here for this either.” She waved an arm at Laney then promptly crossed her arms again. She sighed once more then deflated before Rose’s eyes, nearly collapsing into herself. “What happened to us?”
“We grew apart,” Rose said, hearing the iron in her own voice and not knowing where it came from, not even knowing what she was saying but was saying it anyway. “We grew apart years ago, after college, and we went our separate ways.”
Everyone was quiet for a long time, no one looking at each other.
Boiling tar-like resentment grew inside Rose. She was the one who reached out to her friends, not the other way around. She was the one who kept them talking. She was the one who had tried for so long to break through the space that had grown between them. Sure, they were here now, and yes, she hadn’t divulged her biggest secret about wanting to give billions away, but she hadn’t to Lily, thinking that if she made a little more money, then her mother—hell, her friends too—would be that much prouder of her. Instead, Laney apparently thought she was some sociopath about men and maybe Charli felt the same way too. Who knew. And maybe, Rose wondered, she’d never know because right now, right here, it felt like a breaking point. Something was dying.
Someone was already dead. “You know,” Rose said, “this is really shitty to do this to me when my mom died almost two months ago.”
Laney cringed.
Charli shook her head. “I didn’t come here to confront you about anything. I just wanted to apologize for not being a good friend to you.”
Laney’s shoulders unhinged from their hiked position. “That’s what I came here to do too.” She shook her head, tears forming in her blue eyes. “I didn’t mean—”
“Why,” Rose asked, “why do you treat me like I’m some bulletproof asswipe?”
“I don’t—”
But Rose interrupted Laney. “You do! This isn’t the first time you’ve tried to warn me away from Jac. Shortly after my mother died, I’ll remind you. You’re worried I’ll hurt him, but where’s your worry for me? What if I get hurt? What if it’s me with the broken heart?”
Laney’s eyes rounded. She shook her head then looked down at her lap. “I forget that you can get hurt,” except she mumbled most of what she’d said, and Rose wasn’t sure if she heard right.
“What?”
Charli scooted to the edge of her seat. “You are bulletproof, Rose.”
Rose shook her head, even more angry.
“When the other drivers or crew members or fucking media of Formula One started calling me misogynistic names, I called you and talked to you about how to handle it because I knew you already knew how. You acted like it didn’t even bother you.”
“Of course it bothers me!” Finally, Rose flung her hands in the air. “I’m a human being, not a bulletproof—”
“But you’re so much stronger than anyone I know,” Charli interrupted. “Seriously, you took on real estate development even though it’s one of the most cut-throat, purely nepotistic, careers out there. And you won. Oh my god, Rose, I’m sorry but because of your strength, I forgot that you are a human being. I’m so sorry. That’s on me, not you. I’m just telling you so you know the fault of my thinking, and I know it’s faulty thinking. I will work on that. You are human and I need to—”
“We sound like we’ve had too much fucking therapy,” Rose said, not sure why she interrupted, but everything Charli was saying hurt far too much to take any longer.
Sometimes, when finally being seen, it’s as painful as not, especially when it draws attention to the gap between you and everyone else.
“I’m so sorry, Rose,” Laney said between sniffles. “I’m doing it too—thinking that your strength means you are incapable of being hurt. And I’m doing all of this shortly after your wonderful mom died. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean—”
“I didn’t tell you the grand plan about the money,” Rose interrupted yet again, not even watching what she was doing, but vaguely aware she was about to explode with her darkest secret of all, “because I was scared I wouldn’t follow through.”
Charli and Laney both blinked at the same time, maybe shocked by the information.
“I was scared I’d keep it all to myself.” She sounded breathy and weird.
Laney cocked her head to the side. “And what’s wrong with keeping it? You earned it?”
Charli made a noise and Laney glanced at her, asking, “That was a very white lady thing to ask, wasn’t it?”
Charli nodded then glanced at Rose. “And really, there’s nothing wrong with keeping it, either. Our nation is proud of you regardless.”
“I am giving it away,” Rose said. “I hired economists and financial experts to figure out how to do it, so I’d better be fucking giving it away.”
“You’re not giving it all away, are you?” Charli asked. “You’re saving enough to keep the farm afloat, right?”
Rose glanced down at her lap, noticing a small hole in her flowery leggings, realizing she’d made out with Jac in these kind of raggedy clothes. And he’d looked at her like she was gorgeous. She wanted to be with him, to be away from the reality that she and her friends had grown apart to such a degree that she wasn’t sure if they were friends any longer, but a dysfunctional family who stuck it out while gritting their teeth in each other’s presence. Away from the reality that there had been several times when she’d thought about keeping the money and prestige that came with it. Away from being a horrible daughter to her wonderful mother, never quite understanding Lily but desperately trying to until it had become too late. Away from being Ted’s daughter, too stubborn for her own good, too selfish, too needy, too demanding, and causing pain everywhere she went.
“I was going to give the farm to Jac,” Rose said, her voice oddly soft and quiet. Now she needed to sound firm and resolved, but she sounded like a little girl.
“But that farm has been in your family for generations,” Laney said.
Charli choked loudly, making Rose glance at her friend, suddenly clawing at her throat. She stopped and rushed to Rose, kneeling in front of her. “You didn’t plan for yourself. Tell me you planned for yourself and your future. Tell me I’m wrong.”
She’d never seen Charli like this and it scared her. Charli’s hands were on Rose’s calves almost pulling her off the chair. Rose had to put her hands on Charli’s to make her stop.
“Tell me, Rose!” Charli yelled which was incredibly rare and frightening. Tears sprang to her friend’s light gray eyes, spilling down her cheeks.
“Don’t cry, Charli girl,” Rose said as comfortingly as possible.
“Tell me!” Charli yelled again.
Rose swallowed.
“Oh my god,” Laney rushed closer too. “Are you suicidal? Are you—”
“I’m not suicidal,” Rose said. So that’s why her friends were so animated. “Just because I hadn’t thought of myself doesn’t mean—”
“Then what does it mean?” Laney asked, kneeling beside Rose too, her hands on Rose’s forearms when she really didn’t want to be touched.
She didn’t know the answer herself, but she tried to comfort her friends. “It means I’m shit at planning. That’s all.”
“That’s not true.” Charli gripped onto Rose’s legs again, almost painfully. “You plan everything to a T. You have single-handedly taken on this world and own a lot of it. You did that because you plan better than fucking Napoleon—logistics, tactics, strategies, and I know about your spy network. You plan everything. Everything. But you didn’t plan on living past liquidating your assets and—”
“I’m not suicidal,” Rose said again, trying to temper her voice but she was getting tired of this interrogation.
“Then why didn’t you—”
Rose growled and stormed away from her friends who were literally reaching out to her, touching her, gripping, wanting answers she didn’t know. “Because I don’t know how to plan to be me now!” She whirled around with the truth. “I don’t know how to mend together the different pieces of me to be one person, okay? I don’t know how I’m supposed to just do nothing now. Jac and I were talking and maybe I could teach. That sounds good, but I want to do more, you know? But that’s probably selfish because I’m already doing something so fucking selfish, aren’t I? I’ve kidnapped Jac on this trip and am dining in some of the best restaurants in the world, sleeping on cotton sheets with a thread count so high they feel like a creamy dream, and I don’t know what to do with myself when this is over, okay?
“I have these two parts of me that I’ve never been able to contend with—the Rose you keep telling me is generous and giving versus the Rose who goes out and cuts down some corporation to its knees to get a good deal. I’m really fucking ruthless, you know that? I’ve taken down other real estate moguls, which means so many people have had to be fired, let go. I’ve done that. I’ve caused damage. Lasting damage to strangers. I tried to be ethical about it. I’ve fucking tried, and really my main victims have been rich men who are now just a little less rich. But they hired people who have had to be fired as a consequence of my actions. I’ve tried to watch out for them, getting them jobs in my own business. But that’s who I am. I’m ruthless but I know I’m not supposed to be. I’m stubborn but I’m ready to give up except I don’t know how to give up. And despite you repeatedly telling me how generous I am, I’m incredibly selfish, kidnapping poor Jac to be with me just because I like him and don’t have a fucking clue how to show him. I keep taking, taking, taking, and I know I’m disgusting because of it but I don’t know how to stop.”
Something wet was against her cheeks. She wiped at it, surprised she’d been crying. She’d cried a lot since Lily died, but not for herself. She didn’t deserve the tears.
Charli shook her head, but Laney spoke first. “You’re not taking—”
“You just said that I’m taking from Jac.”
“No, I said I worried he’d get hurt because he cares for you.” Rose shook her head, but Laney continued, “He truly cares for you and it’s obvious. You didn’t force him to be here. You aren’t taking anything from him.”
“Rose, first, you’re not disgusting,” Charli said. Laney agreed by vigorously nodding, but Charli spoke over her. “You’re amazing. Truly amazing.”
Rose snorted and shook her head, back to crossing her arms over her chest, wanting to cross her arms over her middle because it felt like she’d been sucker punched in the gut, and she’d been the one doing the punching.
“I think I get it why you didn’t tell us about your plans,” Charli said.
“I just told you,” Rose uttered, “that it was because I was scared I wouldn’t follow through, that I’m a selfish asshole—”
“Please don’t say that,” Laney said.
“It’s because,” Charli rose her voice yet again, “you think we won’t approve of who you are, not all of you.”
Charli always did that. People thought Laney was the insightful one, and she was. But it was Charli who was deeper, wiser, and could see through anyone’s bullshit or thick walls they constructed around their heart.
“Oh,” Laney said. “I get that.”
Rose glanced down at the carpet where she was sure her heart resided, the beat-up little thing, all withered away after this conversation.
“We’ve grown apart because we’ve grown up,” Charli said. “We became different people than the girls we were in college. And I think each one of us is scared to show just how changed we are now.”
Rose let out a long breath, watching as Charli sat on the chair. “I’m asexual. I’ve been terrified of telling you two that, not because I didn’t trust you but because it’s not who you thought I was. I had a hard time with my sexuality, trying to figure it out, not only because there isn’t much ace representation out there, but also because it’s not…” She wound her hands in the air, looking like she was trying to conjure the words from space and time itself.
“It’s not who we were in college,” Laney finished for her. She licked her lips. “I didn’t tell you guys about the cancer for—”
“Fucking ever,” Rose interrupted, hoping her friend knew she was trying to tease her and reprimand her at the same time, albeit not exactly kindly.
Laney smiled. “For fucking ever, yes. I hid the cancer and the treatments, and hell, I hid how I was falling in love with Joe because…because it wasn’t who I used to be. I had a one-night stand with Joe. I…fucked him the first night I met him.”
“Oh my,” Rose kidded.
Laney glanced at Charli, smiling at Rose’s joke but it faded as she said, “I’m sorry. I never asked if you’re sex averse or—”
“I’m not sex averse.” Charli crossed a long leg over the other. “I don’t mind if you talk about fucking your boyfriend.”
“It’s getting hot in here with all this fucking talk,” Rose said, proud of herself for the terrible pun.
Laney slowly walked back to the couch and sat on it. “And I’d like it if you called Joe my partner. I don’t want to get married, but we’re partners and we’re talking about having kids.” She again swiveled her head in Charli’s direction. “Was that offensive? That I don’t want to get married?”
Charli shook her head. “I didn’t know I wanted to get married until I was.” She laughed. “I don’t take offense that you don’t want a marriage. Not at all. And I understand your partnership with Joe. Also, I hope it’s not offensive that Luc and I don’t want to have kids.”
Laney shook her head. “Not at all. I totally understand and respect that.”
“And I respect you and Joe wanting to have kids,” Charli said.
“Now that I’ve immeasurably helped my two best friends,” Rose said, both of her friends laughing and smiling, “I guess we can get back to having some fun for the little amount of time you have left here.”
“Except,” Laney began, “and I’ll speak for Charli here.” She looked at her friend. “If that’s all right?”
Charli nodded and waved a hand.
“Except,” Laney said again, “we came here to show our love for you, Rose, and to tell you that we respect you, all of you, even the parts of you that don’t make sense to you and that you might not have shown us. I’m so sorry for talking about Jac the way I have. Honestly,” she swallowed, a pink growing in her cheeks, “under all the worry for him, there’s so much for you. I know you haven’t had a relationship since…college, since…that asshole.”
Rose had been with a man—a boy really—who she had sworn she’d loved, and later regretted that love with such fierceness that she couldn’t forgive herself. He’d slapped her during an argument. Charli and Laney had been there and had beaten the bejesus out of him, right in front of her, while she stood there stupefied, her only thought, “So this is why my mom did nothing.” She hadn’t seen the slap coming. She never would have guessed he’d do something like that, especially not in front of her friends. But he had. When she’d been younger, she’d told herself that if she was ever hit, she’d hit back, she’d fight. She told herself such lies to put space between herself and her mother. But she’d just stood there, feeling like she was standing beside her body, watching as her friends attacked that boy, and wondering why the world had changed so substantially in the last three seconds.
Rose didn’t put it together until Laney said those words that she hadn’t had a romantic relationship since. She hadn’t trusted herself to. She hadn’t seen the signs of his abuse. Hadn’t guessed that he would raise his hand to her. And for that, she was still so angry at herself that she sometimes couldn’t breathe.
Laney kept talking though Rose had tuned her out, but she tried to focus on what her friend was saying now.
“…worry that under all that strength is someone who can get really hurt and how I want you to never experience pain at all. I know that’s silly because we all do. But I want that for the people I love, to never experience pain.”
Rose swallowed and nodded, pretending she understood what Laney had said.
What Laney hadn’t said, what Rose knew profoundly but had hidden from herself until that second, was that under all her bravado that others thought was strength was an extremely vulnerable person. So vulnerable she felt like ashes being swept away by the breeze.
And yet, she didn’t feel that way with Jac. Interesting, that.