Rose hadn’t meant to have a break down now. God. What was she doing?
And out came more from her spilling mouth because Jac was such a good listener, so comforting and understanding. Something within her kept releasing thoughts she’d long ago forbidden from herself. “I turned into my father,” she choked.
He shook his head. “You’re not an abuser.”
“Aren’t I?” she retorted. “Jac, the main reason why I was so frustrated a second ago is because you don’t yell at me, don’t interrupt me, don’t belittle me, which, no, I don’t want you to do those things, but that’s what I came from and you…your healthiness is so fucking beautiful it hurts.”
He exhaled, his nostrils flaring. “You have healthiness. You went—”
“Don’t you understand what I’m trying to say? Don’t you get that—”
“No,” he said, his voice not loud but hard. “No, I will not go down this road with you. You took yourself to therapy and had your friends go with you, ensuring not only that you would become healthier but your friends too. You did that, Rose. Alone. You continued to go because you strive for strong boundaries and healthy communication. But—and this is just my opinion, so I could be wrong—you and your friends still have unhealthy habits, like how they don’t support you as much as you support them. You do not get the kind of validation you might need, like the fact that you do deserve a good and wonderful life. Also, they need to stop calling you bossy. You’re just assertive, in the best of ways.”
She sucked in a deep breath. He’d said much of this before. The crazy part was, she agreed. So why couldn’t she stop tormenting herself? Why was she hanging onto thoughts that only hurt her?
The thing was, she took offense to his tone. And being angry was much easier to deal with.
“So I’m having a pity party?” she asked. “Is this what you’re saying?”
“You’re grieving.” He waved his hands around his head. “I was so….selfish. I jumped at the chance to be closer to you, but you’re mourning. And rather than think of your needs, I went on this trip with you, which I’m so—”
“If you say you’re sorry for being with me, I’ll…I’ll…”
He sighed. “I thought of myself, not—”
“No. I kidnapped you. I kidnapped you to be with me, and now—”
“Rose, I ached to be with you.” He swallowed after his voice cracked. Emotions were clear on his pained face, but that crack in his voice killed her a little. “Ached.”
“But—” Her eyes stung so much.
“What I’m saying flies in the face of the story you’re telling yourself, doesn’t it? That I want to be with you, that I have wanted you from the first second I saw you, that—”
“But—” She couldn’t hear him out, but she couldn’t stop him either.
“That given the opportunity to do the right thing, which was to let you stay in Hardin with your nation and the people who could actually help you grieve, I was selfish and went on this trip with you.”
“You’re not selfish.”
“Rose, regarding you, I am. I want you that badly.”
Something within her shook. A giant tremble that was undoing her completely. “But why?” Her eyes stung all the more, and she wrapped her arms around her middle. Everything hurt. It felt like her very bones were shifting to form a new frame.
Yes, she’d told herself a story: That she was bossy and people did as she pleased because she was a horrible person who held everyone hostage because they couldn’t possibly want to be with her if they had a choice. But Jac kept telling her she wasn’t horrible. He wasn’t a hostage. He wanted to be with her. He simply wanted her.
His fierce gaze followed her arms, compassion flared through the blue. Only compassion. “Because I love you,” he said, utterly flooring her.
She couldn’t have heard him correctly. “What?”
“I love you, Rose.” He shook his head. “I don’t even care if you don’t love me. I weirdly don’t care about that. I just love you so much that…that…I’ll do anything for you, but I didn’t do what you needed.”
“Shut up.” She wrapped her arms tighter around herself but wanted her arms around him.
“I will not.” He seemed incensed at that. His shoulders squaring against her. “I will not shut up about being in love with you.”
“No, not that.” Never that. Though she hardly believed it to be true, she invited those sunshine words in. “About being selfish, about not doing what I needed.”
“But I didn’t.”
“I needed you.” Her voice was raw and low. From hearing her words or her voice, something broke within him and he took a step closer as she said, “I desperately needed you.”
Tentatively, he took another step nearer. “Really?”
A tear dropped from her eye. “I think you’re the only person on earth who knows me, all of me.”
He got even closer and wiped the moisture away from her cheeks with careful, shaking fingertips. “I’m so fucking honored to know you.”
“You say these…perfect things, things beyond my comprehension, and I can’t believe them. At first.” Did he really say that he loved her? Truly? It was hard…well, it was hard to believe.
She sucked in a breath, releasing the secret she’d hidden from herself. “I wanted my mother to figure out what to do with the money, the almost two billion I made. In my head, it was a way to apologize for being the bratty kid who blamed her for…for things that weren’t her fault. It was a way to make things up to her. Again, in my head, it made sense, but—”
“It makes sense,” he said, cupping her cheek. “I get it.”
“But she’s not here and I never made up for what I did to her, and I don’t know what to do about that.”
“Oh, Rose.” A tear floated down his own cheek to disappear in his dense blond beard. “She adored you, loved you, and always forgave as well as understood you.”
At that, she shook with her tears. She leaned into his warm body, his arms instantly wrapping around her, letting his words counter all the stories she told herself.
He picked her up again, so gently, so easily. They floated. She was on the bed and Jac was there right beside her, holding her, as she cried and let everything else out. “I want you to have the farm,” she said. “I want you to have it. But I don’t know where I’ll live. I don’t know how to live now. I don’t know how to be…here, in this space and time, where I haven’t planned from this point forward. I haven’t outlined this part because I wanted my mom to outline it for me. I wanted her to show me the way, but she’s not here, and I don’t know what to do with myself.”
He held her closer. “Don’t give me the farm. Keep it, Rose. It’s your family’s farm. And everything else, we’ll figure out. We’ll—”
“I want to give you something that will make you happy.” She looked up at him, wanting him to know how much he meant to her, how deeply he touched her. That she loved him too.
He swallowed, more tears in his eyes. “I’m already happy.” Which they both laughed at because they were crying. “Seriously, I—”
“But I want you to be—”
“You don’t need to earn my love, Rose,” he said sternly but still gently. “You already have it. Nothing you do will falter that. Nothing. I love you. You didn’t do a damned thing to buy that. I just love you.”
Oh, the way this man talked, the way he was so openly honest. It was brave, so fucking brave. From the beginning, she’d pictured him this giant Viking, a warrior. And he was. He was so strong and brave to be good and virtuous, respectful and kind. So fucking kind.
She petted his beard as her tears stopped. Rose knew she’d want this man until the day she died. “Can I kiss you?” she asked.
He smiled like the sun—all warm and penetrating and sultry. “Yes.”
Through his beard, she gently caressed his jaw as she reached forward. She glided her nose against his, waiting for the right moment. He closed his eyes. She kissed him then when he gave her his vulnerability. She poured herself into the kiss—all her wants, all her desires, everything that was wrapped up around him. She might not know what to do with her life, but she knew she wanted him. Needed him.
After their tongues danced, she pulled away. “Can I…” It was difficult and a little embarrassing to get permission for every act she wanted to do to him, but she thought she needed to after the whole I’m-going-to-pick-a-fight-about-a-blow-job thing. “Can I be on you?”
“Yes.” His voice was pure darkness and so deep, raspy with lust.
She straddled his hips, her hands on either side of his face as he adjusted to being on his back. He was already getting hard. Her body internally contracted with the knowledge. “Can I kiss you again?”
He smiled. “Of course.” His hands were on her hips.
They kissed and kissed. She didn’t move, but felt his hardness heat up under her, warming her internally. She loved his belly against hers. She loved his chest against hers, where she felt his heart racing. She loved this man.
And god, she hadn’t told him yet.
She pulled away, shocked at not reciprocating, at being too surprised to tell him when he’d uttered the words. She might have pulled away with a bit of a jerk, which he looked startled from.
“I love you,” she whispered, sounding weak. She was angry for that and cleared her throat. “I love—”
“You do?” He gripped her hips hard, almost painfully, like he was holding onto her for dear life.
“I love you, Jac,” she whispered again, emotions making her voice unstable. “So much.” She reached down and kissed his temple. “I love you.” Kissed his bearded cheek. “I love you.” Kissed his nose. “I love you so, so much.”
He pushed his head more into the pillow to look at her. She was going for another kiss, but he cupped her cheek, holding her still. It took a beat to realize he was breathing oddly—a little too fast then not at all.
“Truly?” His voice cracked the way it had when he’d been compassionately disagreeing and standing his ground against her and all the stories she’d told herself, the stories that hid the truth: that she was lost without her mom, that she’d fallen in love when she was mourning, and that she was finding her way out of the fog of lostness, which was scary because when the fog was all you knew, the sun was blinding and harsh with its honesty, but she had help. Beautiful help.
She petted his beard, feeling her body continue to shake. The last remnants of who she’d been were falling away with the little earthquake from within. “I love you,” she said, her voice strong and steady.
He huffed for air, wrapping his huge arms around her. “I love you, Rose.”
She kissed him when he embraced her, trying to pour even more of herself into the kiss, showing him how much she loved him.
Truly—funny he’d used that word when asking if she loved him. Such a perfect word for this occasion. True. And love. True love.
They only stopped kissing when he took off her top, then her leggings, which required a little rolling around. Then his clothes came off, and they lay side by side again, kissing, holding each other. His heart beat against her breast. His erection pressed into her hip, hot, hard. She wrapped a leg over him, his cock sliding between her thighs.
They stopped and stared at each other, fingertips exploring each other’s faces. It was a moment filled with longing, with hope, with love. It was a sparkling dark moment, similar to all moments of deep love—like when you finally appreciate your mother; she did her best and still hummed little tunes almost every day, like when you realize you met someone who not only understands you but wants to hold your hand throughout life. These intense gifts of life that hold such magic, the magic to heal, to love.
Gently, she kissed his lips, just soft touches as she flexed her hips, his cock sliding against her inner lips. She repeated the motions until he groaned and wrapped his arms around her waist. He tilted his hips until he was inside her just a little. They both inhaled.
“Oh,” she hummed, feeling such intense connection, such power and strength, such delicateness and vulnerability too.
“Condom,” Jac said grimacing, slowly pulling out. He ran for his luggage still packed, and Rose smiled.
He was right, of course. They hadn’t talked about having children or not. Hell, until a few seconds ago, she didn’t even know if this thing they had was real. It was. It gloriously was. It wasn’t just a fantasy. He felt it too, this powerful thing inside that made her want to be close to him for as long as possible, that made her think of having a talk about children, that made her think of the future. A future that had her in it and not just her as a nebulous cloud without a home. She was…living, doing things, being herself, continuing to make goals and meet them. And he’d be with her. They would be partners, like she’d originally asked him to be, but had no idea what that entailed at the time.
Jac was back and she welcomed him with her legs parted, arms reaching for him. He unrolled the condom on himself then came to hover over her, big arms bracketing her head, strong thighs between hers, his warm granite chest above her own. She pulled him down for a kiss and his body found hers. He slid inside. They both paused in the kiss, feeling what it was like to be this intimate, this open to each other, to be this in love. She wrapped her arms around him, her legs too.
“I love you,” she whispered around the kiss.
“I love you.” He moved his hips, slick friction between them, building more magic.
His hips swayed with such delicious sinuous motions, so perfectly graceful yet animalistic and sexy. She hiked her legs further up his body, feeling him deeper with each thrust. They gazed into each other’s eyes, sometimes kissing, but often just looking at the other, the person they loved. It was said. It was known. This changed everything and made it so much better than anything Rose could have ever dreamed of.
Eventually, his movements grew faster, harder. Rose moaned and held on tighter.
“I love you,” she kept whispering.
Every time she said the words, he’d say them in return. “I love you,” he repeated breathlessly yet his low voice rumbled between them like thunder in a valley, echoing, resonating, turning everything alive with electricity.
His thrusts were even faster, and she kept offering her love. He offered his. He reached down, holding onto her ass, adjusting her. His pelvis rubbed against her clitoris.
“Oh!” She didn’t mean to but she might have yelled from the stimulation. Things felt amazing before but now sizzled and popped within her.
He gave her a cocky little half smile. Later, she’d tease him about that. But now she’d just feel his body move in perfect alignment with hers.
“I love you, Rose,” he said as his motions got even more crazed.
“I love you.” She gripped onto his back but found better purchase clinging onto those giant shoulders of his. “God, I love you.”
He watched her. He was always watching, gauging her pleasure, ensuring she was enjoying herself, that she was close to climax. He cared for her. Here was one person who made caring for her, for impossible Rose, possible, and made it look easy too, like she was someone who was easy to like, easy to love. It made her believe she was completely, wholly loveable.
She looked into his gaze, feeling surrounded by his blue, protected by his blue. So much beautiful blue. In her. In him. In them both. Her orgasm was trying to ram its way through her body, but she held back for just a moment more. “I love you, Jac. I love you so much.”
He smiled again. She pulled him down for a kiss and let go. The orgasm was deep and profound, washing over her as her body ebbed and flowed with the dark sparkling magic, the magic of knowing she loved someone who loved her in return.
He thrust into her deeply and gripped at her hips tightly, moaning, his own orgasm ripping through him. “Rose,” he said through the hoarseness of his voice. “Oh my Rose.” His hips bucked. He held her tighter. “I love you.”
It took long moments to climb back down to earth after their shared orgasms, but they did, sliding side by side. She had a leg hooked over him, so he was still inside her. They caressed each other’s sweaty bodies, the fire from the fireplace the only source of light now, other than the flash of teeth when they smiled and the whites of their eyes. When it had gotten dark, she had no clue. But it had. Time kept moving even when it felt like it stood still, even when it should have stood still. Time kept moving. And now, that was all right.