Chapter 27

All the people, the quiet chatter, the hugs passed in a blur, like a car speeding by in the opposite direction. Rich stood behind me in church, his hand solid on my shoulder.

“Take me home?” I asked him, as Mim helped the ladies restore order to the church basement that always smelled like fried perogies and floor wax. Funerals, baby showers and wedding receptions had all been hosted here. I’d been in the space so often, for so many reasons, I didn’t know if I should love it or hate it.

“Sure,” Rich said. My dutiful boyfriend. He’d hovered over me all afternoon, refilling my glass and casting protective glances my way. Now that the funeral was over, we were both exhausted.

The house was silent. Rich stood in the entryway. “I can stay,” he offered.

Shaking my head, I stood near him and leaned in for a hug. With his arms wrapped around me, I almost forgot that going forward, everything would be completely different. “Thanks for coming today.”

He rubbed my back. “You don’t have to thank me.”

“I know, but still.” I leaned back and gasped. “Did I thank your parents?”

Smiling, he said, “Yes, twice.”

“Oh. Good.”

“You must be tired. Why don’t you get some sleep and I’ll come by tomorrow after work?”

I nodded and locked the door after him. I was officially alone. The house felt foreign, like an enemy, not comforting and familiar. As I walked to the kitchen, I looked out the window. The grassy field stretched out to the horizon line. It was a constant. Even with everything else changing, I could count on that view. The boxes were gone, an indentation on the grass the only trace of their presence.

I had a lot of decisions to make. Stay in the house? Go to school? Move to the city? The box of letters from my mom sat on the kitchen table. I could only read a few at a time before I was overcome with anger and sadness. For years, she’d been writing to me, telling me about her life and how much she missed and wanted to see me, promising the time would come when we could be together. She must have realized I never saw the letters – that Gam had kept them from me.

What was Gam afraid of? Did she think I’d choose my mom over her, or blame her for keeping us apart? Maybe the secret had gotten too big to tell, and it was easier to keep pretending.

The letters had stopped coming four years ago. Right when Gam’s diabetes got bad. Had Gam told her to stop writing, or had my mom given up?

The return address was Plum St., Winnipeg. Sounded pretty. Did she live in an old house on a tree-lined street? Or in one of those new developments where the houses all looked the same? Now that I had an address, it wouldn’t be hard to track her down. If I wanted to.

A knock on the back door startled me. Jess peered through the glass. My feet felt heavy as I shuffled to the door and opened it.

“Hey.” His eyes softened, and he tried to smile. “Here. Kokum said it’ll help. Some kind of a tea.” He shrugged. “If you’re having trouble sleeping.”

“Thanks.” I took the glass jar of dried flowers and held it in my hands. “You got rid of everything,” I said, motioning to the yard.

“Yeah.” He stood awkwardly, shifting from foot to foot. “I just came by to say sorry, you know, for your, uh, loss. And –” He broke off and ran a hand through his hair. “Can we go sit outside?”

I put the tea on the counter. I hadn’t changed out of the uncomfortable black dress pants I’d worn to the funeral, and the wide legs flapped around my ankles. We walked to the garage and sat in the shade. “Guess it’s been a shitty week for you.”

I closed my eyes and nodded. “I didn’t think it would hurt like this. My whole body aches, like I’ve been hit by a truck.”

“Were you there when it happened?”

I nodded.

His arm came around my shoulder and lay there, protective and heavy. “Sorry,” he whispered again.

Wiping away some tears, I shook off the emotion. I needed a break from thinking about it. “How are you? Have you been fishing or anything?” I asked.

He took his arm away and clasped his hands together. “Been fishing a little.” He paused, as if he didn’t know how to continue. “With my dad.”

“Your dad?” I asked with disbelief.

“Yeah, he came back a few days ago. He’s sick.” Jess’s voice sounded far away, like an echo of someone else’s. “He keeps talking about making peace, whatever that means.” He shifted his body so he could look me in the eyes. “Something else shitty happened this week.”

I looked at him, not sure if I could handle more bad news. At least sitting beside him, I didn’t feel like I’d fall to pieces. “What?”

“I finished cleaning your garage.” He gave me a half-smile. “Now I got no reason to come by.”

I wanted to say the house needs to be painted and the lawn mowed, but I couldn’t. No matter what Jess’s feelings were, I still had a boyfriend, one who’d stood beside me in church today and followed me around like a bodyguard.

Jess looked at the ground. “You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know. I gotta go.” He stood up, dusting gravel off his shorts.

“Wait!” The strangled sound of my voice surprised me. “Can you stay, for a while?”

As he sat down, I knew I’d tell him everything about Gam and my mom and the letters.

His fingers brushed against mine tentatively. I opened my palm, welcoming the gentle pressure of his hand in mine, and closed my eyes to let the warmth of his touch sink in.

“It would never work. We could never be together,” I whispered. My voice broke as I let my hand fall away. “It just wouldn’t.”

His eyes turned hard. He made a noise in his throat and frowned at me. “Why? Cuz I’m from the reserve?”

“No. Because we want different things.”

“You don’t know what you want.”

“I know I don’t want to be stuck here.” The words flew off my tongue.

“You think I do?”

I narrowed my eyes, hoping for the same honesty I’d given. “Do you?”

He paused and gave an ironic laugh, “Actually, yeah.” He looked in the distance, and I wasn’t sure he was talking to me any more. “I didn’t think I did, but I do.”