It had now been three weeks since they had been to the nursing home. He had barely called. She had tried calling him, but he was always distracted or too busy. She looked in the mirror. She was looking gaunt. She was hardly eating. The short lived euphoria had been replaced by hurt and more pain. She did not think it was possible to hurt any more. She could not understand how one minute Michael could be so lovely and then he would change.
She thought back to how he had treated her at the Chambers party, how he did not answer her calls, how he went from making passionate love to her, to then being cold and aloof. She needed to talk to someone. She would call Dave.
“Dave, can we meet up? I need to speak to you.”
Dave sounded worried.
“Of course, are you ok Harp, you don’t sound it.”
“Just come over and I will tell you. I just want to run something by you. I am sure it’s nothing to worry about. You will probably tell me I am being silly.”
Dave arrived an hour later. He was shocked at her gaunt appearance.
“Harp, you don’t look well. I have been worried about you for a while. I didn’t say anything because I thought you might think I am interfering and you have got Michael to talk to. I just thought everything was better now that you are seeing Julia.”
She told him that she had not been to see Julia for a while. In fact, not since she had been involved with Michael. She told him how Michael was fine sometimes and at other times he would just disappear.
“I know he loves me. It’s just that he has had some issues in his childhood and he doesn’t know how to show me he loves me. I can’t take any more pain, Dave.”
She was crying now. He wanted to put his arm around her.
“Harp, if he loved you, he would be here. He wouldn’t hurt you. I assume you have told him what happened to you. It is making me really angry, that he is treating you like this. You don’t deserve it. He has isolated you from everyone.”
She told him she would be fine and she was probably overreacting. She felt more worthless than ever.
It was a few days later that Michael called again. He told her he had gone back to the nursing home and sat with his father.
“Michael, I need to speak to you. Will you come over? We don’t seem to see each other any more. Is there someone else?”
“Of course not, don’t be silly. You know I am busy. I will try and come tomorrow but I can’t make any promises.”
She did not hear from him the following day and it was two days later before he called and said he would come.
“Are we still together Michael?” she asked. The more he rejected her, the more she wanted him.
“I thought we were,” he replied. “I am tired. I don’t really want to talk about this now. You go on too much. That’s why I stay away. You are just too needy. You don’t give me any space. You know how much I have on my plate right now.” He was angry and once again, she did not push him. She did not want to confront him or make him angry. If she did, he may never come back. It was not his fault. Tears started to fall down her face. Their warmth comforted her.
Michael walked into the hallway and put on his jacket, getting ready to leave.
“Michael, please don’t go,” she pleaded with him now.
“You know something, you are pathetic,” he snarled. “I don’t love you, I have never loved you.”
His words cut through her like a knife. Her self worth was so low that she would have done anything to make him stay, rather than be alone.
“Michael, I am sorry, I won’t push you any more, please don’t leave me.” She was sobbing. He must have taken pity on her as he said he was angry and would call her, but he had to go. She did not say any more. He had given her enough to hold on to.
It was the following morning that she received the final decree of her divorce from Ajay. She stared at the piece of paper declaring the end of her marriage which had arrived in the post. She had already dropped Gurmeet at school and this had taken all of her energy. She opened the curtains. It was now ten o clock and light outside, but all she could see was darkness. She closed the curtains again, wanting to shut the world out. Her heart was bleeding. There was a gut wrenching pain in her stomach.
The version of herself was the one which Michael and everyone else saw. She was unlovable, a failure. It was her fault that Amy had died. She had ceased to exist as a proper functioning person, everything inside, all the bits that made her, had crumbled into nothing.
She lay in the same position for what seemed like a couple of hours. The sound of the phone ringing pierced her ears. She did not answer it. It stopped and started ringing again. She turned around and reached for it, if only to stop the noise.
“Harp, it’s Baljeet, are you ok?”
Baljeet did not normally call her in the day. She sensed something was wrong.
“Harp, I am off work today, can I pop round?”
Harpreet did not want to see anyone.
“Bal, it’s not really a good time, you see…”
Baljeet interrupted her. “Ok, I’ll be honest. Dave called me last night. He told me what has been happening. Don’t be angry with him. He really cares about you, you know that, don’t you?”
Baljeet arrived at the flat an hour later. She was shocked at her sister’s appearance. She had visibly lost weight. There were dark circles under her eyes. She made her some food and sat with her to make sure she had eaten it. Then she held her in her arms while she cried.
Dave arrived in the evening once Baljeet had gone and Gurmeet was in bed.
“Harpreet, you have got to leave Michael. He is no good for you.”
“But, I can’t Dave, I love him and deep down I know he loves me too. He just can’t show it.”
“Ok then, separate from him for a while, you are still grieving for Amy and for the end of your marriage.”
“Dave, is it me? Has all this happened because of me, because I am a bad person? I feel worthless and unlovable.”
Dave looked upset. He did not speak for a while and seemed to be deep in thought.
“Harp, this may not be the right time for me to say this, but I cannot bear for you to say these things about yourself. It is hurting me too much. The reason Chloe left me was because she said I always put you first. She said that she could not compete with you and that I was in love with you. And I was, I mean, I am in love with you. I have loved you for as long as I can remember.”
He would not look at her now. He looked down to his clasped hands.
Harpreet was in shock, trying to process what he had said.
“But, you have never said anything, Dave.”
“I valued our friendship too much. I still do. You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know. You needed to know. “