Set Appropriate Expectations and Consequences
“But nonjudgmentally recognizing and embracing this great suffering is not at all the same thing as giving in to it.” —THICH NHAT HANH
“Exorbitant expectations are a set-up, and when they don’t work out, they boomerang back to disillusion you. Better to tackle big and complex problems realistically and with humility.” —Paul Bianchi, Headmaster, Paideia School
Imagine your child breaks their wrist and gets a cast that goes from hand to elbow, just as their class is learning cursive writing. They watch the lessons on cursive, even try it with their nondominant hand. But they never get a chance to really learn the cursive. By the next school year, there’s no cast, and the teacher expects that they “should” know cursive (which they do in theory, but not in practice).
This scenario plays out repeatedly with complex kids, who tend to be behaviorally, socially, and/or emotionally immature, despite potentially being cognitively advanced. In essence, deficits in executive function reflect about a 30% developmental delay in some aspects of their brain development—though not all—such that complex kids are typically behind their same-age peers in some areas by about 3 to 5 years.
These inconsistencies are extremely confusing for adults. Complex kids can:
• have mature conversations or make compelling arguments, while being unable to clean their room, remember to take out the trash, or turn in homework.
• have great friends, but seem unable to manage their anger or frustration with their family.
• do well in school, but lag behind socially.
• be confident socially but unable to organize themselves and do school.
• perform well one week but not the next, with no apparent cause for the erratic behavior.
Despite understanding this intellectually, when we evaluate kids’ behaviors in comparison to their neurotypical peers, we’re not making a fair comparison. We’re disappointed when they don’t perform on par with their peers. We say things like, “but he’s 8 years old, he should know better than to … ” or “she’s 12, shouldn’t she be able to … ?”
• We get stuck on how something “should” be, how a child “should” behave, or how something “should” look to the outside world. We expect our kids to behave like older siblings or our friends’ kids.
• We worry about the implications of “settling for less” or “lowering our standards.” They are bright with extraordinary potential. We set expectations high so they don’t waste that potential.
• We need them to be okay for us to feel calm and in control, as Hal Runkel explains in ScreamFree Parenting. When they’re feeling sad, we need them to be happy; when they’re falling behind in school, we need them to be organized; when they’re emotionally sensitive, we need them to toughen up.
As parents, we’re committed to helping kids reach their full potential, so I’m not arguing for removing expectations, or even lowering them. “You can’t parent or teach without expectations. Expectations are how you communicate your experience, wisdom, and values,” Ross Greene said during his 2019 International Conference on ADHD keynote. But “pushing a kid to meet an expectation you know he can’t meet” based on age, without taking developmental delays into account, generally leads to unwanted behaviors.
My client’s son was a very bright teen who was failing two classes, getting Bs and Cs in two more, and getting an A in honors history. Classic. He loved his history teacher and was bored in his other classes. But summer school was on the horizon if he didn’t turn those two Fs around. He was intellectually capable of getting straight As, but he hadn’t learned to master his motivation, so he was struggling just to pass.
If his mom had delivered ultimatums, he would have likely spent the summer in school. Instead, she met her son where he was. She held her tongue about her disappointment, resisting the temptation to tell him he needed to get his act together, which he already knew. She talked with him about what he wanted to do for the summer, what it would take to pass the classes, and if he wanted that. They put together a plan, including check-ins and accountability, to meet his goal of having a summer break.
At first, this mom was apoplectic. But she kept her own fears and emotions out of the conversation, helping him think through what it would take to raise his grades in two classes. She stayed calm and present with his current circumstance, and she managed her own catastrophizing (see Chapter 7). Her calm approach helped him raise the bar and avoid summer school.
It’s a catch-22, really. Our kids struggle with challenges invisible to the naked eye, and we often set expectations based on wishful thinking. But when we set the bar too high for them, expecting them to perform and hit typical milestones that they’re not ready for, it’s like telling them to grow taller. Complex kids need:
• to believe that they’re capable;
• permission to take extra time in getting there;
• to learn to overcome obstacles without embarrassment or shame; and
• support to understand the process.
To meet them where they are, we must be matter of fact, inviting them to take the next step forward. As one coaching group mom explained, “[I must] commit to look at my own behavior to make sure that I’m setting appropriate boundaries for my child.”
The greatest gift you can give yourself, and any complex child, is to acknowledge and accept the challenges they’re facing and encourage them to move forward from exactly where they are.
You wouldn’t ask a nearsighted kid to sit in the back of the room and squint to read from the board. You wouldn’t tell them to try harder or argue that their friends can see, so they should be able to as well. Instead, you’d provide an accommodation for the nearsightedness so that the student could be successful, and then encourage them to use that accommodation without embarrassment. Maybe you’d move them to the front of the room so they can see the board or get them glasses. If they resisted, you’d offer encouragement, helping them see the value for them in wearing glasses.
Positivity is not enough. Complex kids need us to shift our expectations. It’s fundamental to their success.
One of our certified Sanity School® trainers is a fourth-grade teacher-of-the-year who uses the coach approach in her classroom. When she noticed the bar was set too high for one student, she reduced the expectations, and he started to perform. When the bar was too high, he wasn’t willing to try.
Setting appropriate expectations—as teachers, parents, and even students—starts with reframing mindset. We want to focus on incremental growth. Progress not perfection. Keep it manageable and realistic. And, most of all, empower kids by showing them that wherever they are is just fine.
As I used to say to my own kids quite frequently, “Patience, young grasshopper. You’re going to be an amazing adult, we just gotta get you there.”
At 17, my eldest overheard me in the kitchen explaining the 3- to 5-year delay to a neighbor. They came into the kitchen and said, “Wait, Mom, do you mean I’m not really an immature 17-year-old? I’m really a mature 12-year-old?” I laughed, “Well, sort of, yes.” “Cool,” they replied. “I can be with that.” And they have.
In fact, it was liberating for them. It was always confusing that they were so mature in some areas and frighteningly immature in others. Shifting expectations leveled the playing field, helping them continue to move forward with less shame, confident they would eventually catch up.
Although positivity is a common thread that runs through every parenting paradigm I’ve ever studied, and it’s essential to everything in this book, I want to be clear: Positivity is not enough. Complex kids need us to shift our expectations. It’s fundamental to their success.
When you’re frustrated that your child is not performing a task how you think they should, or you find yourself thinking, “Why can’t they just,” here’s how to modify your expectations.
1. Ask yourself, “What do I expect in this scenario?” Think clearly and specifically.
2. Subtract 3 to 5 years from the child’s age. (If it’s early morning or after 5 pm, subtract two more.) Ask yourself, “What age does this child seem like to me in terms of this task?” Is she 9 going on 10, or more like 9 going on 6?
3. Ask yourself, “Would it be reasonable to expect a child 3 to 5 years younger to complete this task independently?” What might be a more realistic expectation?
When you think about a seventh-grader as a fourth-grader, developmentally, what do you notice? Are you still surprised they’re failing to meet expectations? You may observe several factors that indicate a 3- to 5-year delay, such as:
They aren’t ready to do the task independently. During those times when they are straining, they need extra scaffolding and support. Children with working memory challenges, for example, often need an external structure to aid in remembering.
They don’t quite know what to do. When a particular skill was taught, they may not have been available to learn it. Like the child with the broken arm who never learned cursive, they may need to be taught again, now that they’re ready.
They can do it sometimes, but not consistently. Complex kids are wired to be erratic, so inconsistent performance is reasonable to expect. To pay attention, for example, many aspects of executive function are required, influenced by factors such as sufficient sleep, social connections, or whether they find the subject interesting.
They may be inconsistent across areas of performance. A 12-year-old motivated by soccer may be organized in that realm, but still unable to apply those skills to perform in school.
They may slide back in one area when they’re working on growth in another. When kids take on new activities, roles (like a lead in a school musical or president of a club), or jobs (work outside of school), they experience exponential growth. But it can compromise their schoolwork. Even the most independent students may need extra support when circumstances change, such as during exams.
When a teacher started using this strategy after taking Sanity School for Teachers, she noticed significant changes in her classroom. She was resistant at first, not wanting to see her kindergarten students as 3-year-olds. But as she shifted her expectations, it allowed her to successfully integrate all students in a classroom of five- and six year olds.
In a recent training for professionals becoming certified to teach our Sanity School course to parents or teachers in local communities, Katie summed it up best: “understanding that 3- to 5-year delay is a game-changer.”
“You’re grounded for a year!”
We’ve all thought it. Some of us have said it. Most of us regret it.
If you’ve ever created a consequence that’s more of a punishment for you than it is for your kids, or if you’ve threatened an unrealistic punishment, you’re not alone. Sometimes we get so frustrated, a punishment slips out before we can stop ourselves. It’s defeating for our kids and demoralizing for us. Sometimes it turns into a punishment disguised as consequences:
• “If you don’t clean your room, you’ll lose your favorite game.”
• “If you don’t get to the bus on time, you’ll lose your sleepover.”
• “If you talk to me like that again, you’ll lose the computer for the rest of the term.”
In the old days, parents were taught to respond to bad behaviors with punishments; now we’re taught to use consequences, ideally natural consequences. What’s the difference? Punishment is a punitive measure intended to cause pain or discomfort in order to discourage future behaviors. Think: washing a child’s mouth out with soap so they won’t use foul language. Consequences are intended to link outcomes with learning experiences in order to change future behaviors. Think: expecting a child to pay for a broken window so they won’t throw balls in the house in the future. Natural consequences are outcomes that are not necessarily imposed by a parent but happen naturally as a result of a mistake or problem. Think: a failed test may remind a child to study more in the future.
It’s more important to help them learn from their mistakes than any consequence you feel the need to impose.
When complex kids do something “wrong,” we feel compelled to respond so they’ll learn from their mistake. Unfortunately, our consequence is often a punishment in disguise. It’s not particularly fair to randomly impose threats, use guilt, issue idle warnings, and take things away. How can kids avoid the punishment if they don’t know it’s coming?
Diane and I often get calls from parents who say, “I just don’t know what to do anymore. There’s nothing left for me to take away, and my child doesn’t seem to care at all!” When kids are struggling to get their brains to respond the way they know they should, constant disapproval and retroactive consequences add insult to injury; they lead to either giving up or rebellion.
Instead, it’s more important to help them learn from their mistakes than any consequence you feel the need to impose.
Incentives (helping kids identify motivation to improve their behaviors) and natural consequences can work magic when used appropriately, especially when you keep it light and keep your sense of humor. When realistic expectations are set in advance, clearly communicated and agreed upon, then appropriate consequences can be established—and help our kids learn to self-manage. When your kid knows what to expect and you can “let the system be the bad guy,” a consequence does the teaching while you stay on your kids’ team with compassion.
“In 1955, researchers Emmy Werner (University of California, Davis) and Ruth Smith (licensed psychologist, Kauai) began a longitudinal study that followed all of the children born on the island of Kauai during that year.” Many of the students were raised in difficult circumstances and developed significant problems by age 10. But about one-third of those challenged children did very well in life.
Werner and Smith called them “vulnerable, but invincible.” The kids who “showed the most resiliency were those who had access to buffering elements known as ‘protective factors,’” including emotional support in and outside of the family. It turned out, when kids had one adult who believed in them, one adult they could turn to in times of strife, it made a significant difference in their outcomes.
Our kids, more than most, need us to see what’s possible for them, and help them see it for themselves. They get so many messages from the world that tell them they’re not enough—not good enough, smart enough, fast enough, organized enough, calm enough. I recently said to a friend whose child suffers from anxiety, “Your job is not to protect them from it. Your job is to help them through it.”
We do that with strategies, tactics, and so many things we’re covering in this book. And we also do that by holding a vision for them until they’re able to hold it for themselves. That’s how we cultivate their ability to see themselves as resilient, to believe that they’ll be able to achieve whatever vision they have for themselves.
Our kids are at risk of vulnerability, but we can help them see themselves as invincible. I don’t mean “I don’t need to wear a seatbelt” invincibility; more like “life is hard but people believe in me and I can do this” invincibility. We can have an enormous impact simply by believing in our kids, seeing what’s possible for them, and inviting them to believe in themselves. We can guide them to discover and embrace their own resilience.
Our kids notice when we highlight what’s broken or what could go wrong, even when we don’t realize we’re doing it. When we get upset and demand better performance after a poor report card, for example, we want to make sure we’re sending the message that we believe they can do better, not that we’re afraid they can’t. With that, they’re more likely to believe in themselves.
I wrote once that the 10 most important words a parent could say to their child were “I believe in you. I know you can do it!” It’s positive, affirming, and empowering. But my friend Jerome Schultz, PhD, author of Nowhere to Hide, advised me to avoid adding additional pressure. Now I encourage parents to say something like, “I believe you can do it. I know you might not be sure, yourself. That’s okay. For now, trust that I see what you can do, and I’ll hold that belief for you until you’re ready to take it on for yourself.”
Shifting expectations is not to be confused with settling for “less” or “lowering” your expectations. The goal here is to set realistic expectations in the short term, and hold a powerful vision of who our kids can be and what they can achieve in the long term.
I remember Don Knotts drawing on a courtroom chalkboard during an episode of Mayberry RFD: ASS-U-ME. “When you assume,” he said, “You make an ass out of you and me.” Who says there’s nothing to learn from television?
Making assumptions can trigger a cycle of miscommunication that can spiral out of control and interfere with relationships. Say your child has been in trouble at school because she’s forgotten her homework. You find out only because her teacher emails you. “But, Mom, I didn’t want you to get mad.” (Which you are, because she didn’t tell you.) She made an assumption about your response that prevented open communication.
It’s not realistic to expect any of us to stop making assumptions. But because we choose interpretations to manage the ups and downs of life, we can choose to make helpful assumptions.
In coaching we say, “it’s all made up.” We understand that people are going to make assumptions, because that’s how brains work. Everything is filtered through perception, and we frequently take action based on what we assume about a situation, even when we don’t know for sure. Our kids do it all the time too. So, we might as well make our assumptions work for us by reframing how we think about them.
Diane taught me a tool that has become a gold standard tactic for every parents’ toolbox. We call it A.B.I., Assume Best Intention. If you go to the homes of our clients, you may see “ABI” on sticky notes peppered around the house. It’s a subtle reminder of the power of making up assumptions that work for you. As an added bonus, kids have no idea what it means.
A.B.I. reminds you to look for what’s positive and possible. Start with the idea that your kids could be doing their best, or at least that they want to do their best. When your kids aren’t following directions, instead of jumping to the conclusion that they’re being disrespectful or disobedient, you could assume that your child is trying hard and wants to do their best. Your interpretation, over time, actually helps your child do better.
It can be so difficult for your kids to know what they “should” be able to do, to see their friends and siblings doing it, and not be able to do it themselves. It’s incredibly frustrating for them. When you consider what it must be like for them to feel like they’re constantly disappointing you, trying hard without success, you’ll find a compassion you may not have had before.
With A.B.I., you’re less likely to jump on little mistakes and more likely to acknowledge when things are harder than they seem like they should be. It goes a long way to avoiding major upsets too, because often our kids’ meltdowns come from feeling misunderstood. It also gives you a different perspective to approach problem solving.
So, when your child isn’t listening or following directions, or is so easily distracted that you want to pull your hair out, remind yourself that it’s likely not a case of “willful disobedience.” As you approach frustrating situations, remind yourself that your child is trying their best—and watch as it lightens the load and reduces the stress for everyone.
You might try to apply ABI to yourself, as well. At the 2019 Conference on ADHD, Dr. Ross Greene, known for his maxim “Kids do well if they can,” added, “By the way, adults do well if they can too.”
• How is your child delayed developmentally?
• Where will you start meeting them where they are?
• What did you learn by taking the 3–5 challenge?
• Are you punishing or establishing useful consequences?
• What’s your vision for your child’s future?
• What unhelpful assumptions do you tend to make?