Cultivating Ownership Gradually and Then Suddenly
“We all have the tendency to run into the future or go back into the past, to search for happiness elsewhere.” —THICH NHAT HANH
Let’s assume Kara established a reasonable rule for her daughter, such as “only use the phone after homework.” Here’s how it likely played out:
• Kara didn’t like her daughter’s phone usage, so she established a rule.
• Kara told her daughter the rule.
• Her daughter “disobeyed.”
• Kara got frustrated and reacted on Facebook, “It’s going.”
• Kara told her daughter “it’s going” because she can’t handle simple rules.
• Her daughter freaked out, feeling misunderstood.
Chances are, Kara’s daughter doesn’t understand why her mom is making such a big deal, thinks her mom is unreasonable, wants to do things her way, and deep down feels her mother doesn’t believe in her. Kara and her daughter both feel disempowered.
We’re all guilty of this sometimes, myself included. We decide what’s important for our kids, and then come up with solutions without their active participation. We tell them how we think they should do their stuff. Because they feel voiceless and powerless, they shut down, get defensive, or fight back. We hate it when people do this to us, and yet we do it to our kids.
It may be true that your child isn’t independently handling homework, chores, or hygiene; engaging appropriately in class or with friends; or cleaning their room, starting homework, or turning it in. But the problem isn’t that your kids aren’t doing these things. The real problem is that you want them to do these things, and they don’t truly see them as their agenda—yet. You think your kid has a problem, you think it needs to be addressed, and you think you know how they should handle it. So, you decide to help them “learn” to do it. Here’s how it often plays out:
• You see what they need to do and how.
• You direct or convince them to do it.
• You give them a system to use.
• They don’t use it.
• You get frustrated.
• You complain and make threats or give ultimatums.
• You start the cycle all over again.
It’s hard for many of us to accept that your kids don’t see whatever you think needs improvement as a problem. Their problem becomes that you think they have a problem (and want it fixed your way).
Kara sees the cell phone as a problem and wants her daughter to change her habits the way she thinks she should. Kara’s daughter sees the problem differently: her mom is trying to control her. While Kara may be 100% correct, she needs to bring her daughter into the process for the dynamic to change.
It often backfires when we direct kids—especially older kids—to do basic tasks, such as homework, showering, or eating well. They get so desperate for control they’ll “bite off their nose to spite their face.” Even if it makes sense for them to study for that midterm, shower, or eat breakfast before school, they won’t, just because you want them to.
Kids are generally unmotivated by doing things because it’s good for them or because they “should.” They need to have some skin in the game, a reason for changing their own behaviors—to have a reason to be part of the solution, not just feel like they are the problem. It either needs to be their agenda on some level or they need enough buy in to find motivation. If it’s purely your agenda or solution, you’re probably not setting up anyone for success.
Is your 9-year-old going to say, “Hey, Dad, I want to shower independently so you can take care of other things”? Not likely. But if they had a reason to make the effort, such as extra minutes of reading at bedtime, they might be willing to work with you to make it happen.
“I’ve learned so much—mostly that 90% of the problems we had were driven by us, not by our son. We had to understand how to help him learn to do what he was having trouble doing. Now, it’s all him driving the process.” —Diana, mother of a 19 year old
News flash: At the end of your life, you don’t want to be the leading expert on your child. You want them to become the leading experts on themselves.
That’s where the collaborative agenda comes in. They need you to help them figure themselves out, which is most effective when they see you as a support, not an obstacle. As you gradually transfer your knowledge to your kids, they’ll come to believe they have the capacity to know themselves, eventually better than you do (even if they’re not ready yet).
If I were Empress for a day, I would officially redefine parenting:
Parenting (noun) par·ent·ing | \ ‘per-ən-tiŋ \
The activity of compassionately collaborating with a child to foster effective problem-solving skills, so that the child is enrolled to achieve independence in adulthood to the greatest extent possible.
We want our kids to feel we’re in this together and are on their team, that we’ve got their back, sharing the goal of their happiness and success. As Dr. Ross Greene’s work emphasizes, collaboration is key to help kids take ownership of their lives and responsibilities. It’s fundamental to teach them problem-solving skills, instead of feeling like they’re problems for us to solve. “Why doesn’t power work?” asked Greene in his 2019 keynote presentation. “Power causes conflict. Collaboration brings people together.”
After years of directing kids through their lives, the shift to take a collaborative approach can be tough, because it requires:
• the patience of Job and the endurance of a marathon runner.
• letting go of our own agenda and supporting them in theirs.
• letting them do things their way, and giving them credit for their successes while guiding them to learn from mistakes.
With a collaborative approach, you help kids set goals and work to achieve them, instead of telling them what their goals should be. You help them discover what’s important to them, so they can find a good reason to share your agenda—a reason besides “because I said so.”
Encouraging kids to do things for themselves, not for you, empowers them. Learning. Grades. Making friends. Being kind. Even cleaning up the dinner dishes. (I know that’s a stretch!) Those are ultimately their jobs, not just parent-pleasers. Do you want your child to do homework because they think it’s important, or because you tell them to? To stay away from drugs because they want to be healthy and safe, or to avoid getting in trouble?
Encouraging kids to do things for themselves, not for you, empowers them.
Around puberty, your child is going to lose the motivation to do things just to please you. But ideally, they’ll always be motivated by what they want for themselves. That motivation lasts a lifetime. So if you want your kids to become independent adults, start gradually giving them autonomy and control much sooner. Help them see what they’re responsible for, instead of seeing everything they do as a favor for you.
• If your child still needs you to be in parenting Phase 2 (see Chapter 4), start collaborating by getting their buy-in and giving them a voice in how (or when) they’ll do something.
• If your child is ready for you to be in parenting Phase 3, give them ownership, empower them to assume responsibility, and offer support as needed.
Collaboration is about shared ownership and fostering independence, ultimately helping kids become fabulous human beings who will be motivated to “do the right thing” in life—such as wanting to take care of you when you’re old. (Don’t we all want that?)
When my kids were little and wanted to stay up late for something, my husband would call it “Rock ’n Roll Lifestyle.” Instead of saying no, we would discuss our expectations if they stayed up late, such as waking up without being grumpy or going straight to bed and showering in the morning. We were transparent about the challenge, negotiating the decision and setting clear expectations. We didn’t always say yes, but if we did, before agreeing our kids had to authentically buy in to the deal.
“Rock ’n Roll Lifestyle?” we’d ask.
“Rock ’n Roll Lifestyle,” they’d reply.
“Shake on it?” we’d ask.
It was so cute when they’d shake their whole body!
It was a superb tool for getting buy-in. Not only did it save tons of stress, but the kids learned there are trade-offs in life. To get what they wanted, they had to make some agreements and understand natural consequences; afterwards, we’d discuss how it worked and whether it could happen again.
We still use “Rock ’n Roll Lifestyle” to this day, because it’s a masterful structure to set clear expectations and get activated when we know something is likely to be stressful. One particularly early morning, I even overheard my husband saying “Rock ’n Roll Lifestyle” to himself in the mirror!
Leading people to take ownership of their lives is at the core of a collaborative approach. It starts to flow naturally when your child is driving the agenda (parenting Phase 3), but during much of our time as parents, our kids aren’t fully ready for that. For many years, they need us to be parenting in or moving into Phase 2, relying heavily on getting their buy-in to try things, modify them, and try again.
Sometimes we gain buy-in through external factors, such as rewards, new experiences, or interest. And buy-in is even more powerful when it’s grounded in intrinsic motivators, such as a sense of pride or accomplishment or feelings of success. If you “own” something, you’re more likely to want to do it (or do it well), and you’ll be willing to work at it. If you think you’re doing it for someone else, why bother? Without buy-in, kids have no stake in a task. External motivators can help them get something done in the short term; internal motivators help them repeat it until they do it well.
Expecting blind obedience doesn’t foster independence; teamwork with buy-in does.
My son tends to phone it in when he doesn’t have buy-in on something, so for years I would say, “anything worth doing is worth doing well,” hoping to plant a seed for when he was older. During his summer as a camp counselor, it bore fruit—he shared the message with his campers. He told me he didn’t expect it to make a difference, but maybe it would help them in the future when there was something they really cared about. I appreciated the reminder that, even at camp, kids will phone it in when they don’t have buy-in.
Buy-in is essential for effective action. Kids need to have some reason to do what’s being asked of them. If your kid doesn’t care enough, it doesn’t matter how good a system is. Before you start any action, make sure your child actually intends to use the plan you work on together. This goes for other members of the family too. If your child is on board but your spouse or a sibling is dismissive, that can undermine everything. Figure out what’s in it for everyone.
The ultimate goal in parenting is to help your kids become independent and capable adults actively leading their own lives. Expecting blind obedience doesn’t foster independence; teamwork with buy-in does.
Well beyond the stereotypes of helicopter parents who do everything and boss everyone around, controlling happens in subtle ways. As parents, we become so expert at directing and controlling through every nuance of kids’ lives that we don’t realize we’re doing it; it’s almost like an occupational hazard.
But our need for control is at odds with our kids’ growing need for autonomy. When we get stuck in control mode, we unwittingly sabotage their independence by:
• making things our agenda without exploring what’s important to our kids;
• controlling little things, preventing our kids from practicing making decisions;
• ignoring buy-in to a goal or solution; and
• building resentment (theirs and ours), ultimately justifying their resistance.
One of the most insidious ways we control our kids is through language. Positive or negative, our words are powerful.
1. Shift how you talk about your kids. When we refer to our kids as “lazy” or “rude,” it not only influences how others interpret their behaviors, it influences how we do. Choose nonjudgmental terms as you reference them, both to keep your focus on the positive and in case they overhear you from the other room!
2. Change the language you use with your kids. Many kids take things literally (especially younger kids, kids on the autism spectrum, or kids with language-processing disorders). Absolutes, such as “you never” and “I always have to,” inadvertently lead to mistrust.
3. Beware language that undermines ownership and buy in. Expressions such as “because I said so” and “it’s for your own good” unintentionally imply their responsibility is actually your agenda. For example:
• “I need you to get started on your homework.” Whose agenda is it?
• “What do we have for homework tonight?” Whose homework is it?
• “Can you do me a favor and get started on your homework?” Is their homework a gift to you?
4. Empower kids by encouraging them to be proud of themselves, instead of telling them how proud you are. Help them feel good for themselves, not just to please you.
5. Use code words to let go of control and support emotional self-regulation. Code words are cues to communicate succinctly, like a safe-word or verbal short hand. The code word most of us know is uncle—a word you call out when you’ve had enough. Collaborate to create code words by agreeing on a behavior to improve. Get buy-in by letting your kids do the naming.
• Discuss the idea of code words and get agreement to give one a try.
• Agree on one behavior to change. Start simply—avoid the most volatile situation. Make sure your child wants to see change too.
• Let your child name the word you’ll use (it’s okay if it’s ridiculous).
• Identify situations when it could be useful. Discuss who will use it, and for what reasons. Agree on what will happen when it is used.
• Practice with some role play or just talking through how it might work. Have fun and don’t let it become a chore.
• Agree to a trial time. Three days? One week?
• Review and tweak as necessary (“Don’t ever use that when I’m in the bath, Mom—then it won’t work for me.”). Give your child ownership to help you “fail forward.” Learn from what works and what doesn’t.
Here are some sample code words we used in our family:
• Broccoli Ice Cream: Someone is losing the ability to cope because they’re hungry. Stop everything and get some food!
• Bubble Gum: Brace yourself, because you might not like what I’m about to tell you, but I’ve still got to tell you, okay? Let me know when you’re ready for me to continue.
• Basta: It’s fun until someone gets hurt, so we better stop now cause I’m about to lose it and I don’t want Mom to stop us from playing.
• Rope: Back off, everyone—I’m trying really hard not to lose my cool.
• Don’t Poke the Bear: Leave your sibling alone because they’re not in a place to be messed with right now.
• Do Stupid Smart: I know you’re going to make your own decisions, and I might not agree with what you’re going to do, but please think it through and make sure you’re not going to regret anything.
It’s hard to know when we’re on the right track. Parents frequently ask me, “Am I doing the right thing?” We want reassurance, to know we’re making good decisions, to help our kids become independent. We need acknowledgment and compassion for the difficult road we’re on. And so do our kids.
Remember when they were toddlers and they’d look at you after falling to see if they were hurt? It’s similar now. There are so many upsets in a complex child’s life, they still want you to kiss them and make them better, to trust their connection to you. They want to feel understood, listened to, heard. To know that you see and validate what’s going on for them, acknowledging their hurt as real. As my husband, David Taylor-Klaus, often says, “being listened to feels so much like being loved, people can scarcely tell the difference.”
In her video The Difference Between Sympathy and Empathy, Brené Brown explains Teresa Wiseman’s research on the four qualities of empathy that “drive connection” with our kids:
1. Perspective taking
2. Staying out of judgment
3. Recognizing emotion in other people
4. Communicating that emotion
Says Brown, “What is empathy? And why is it very different from sympathy? Empathy fuels connection. Sympathy drives disconnection.” For complex kids, connection is fundamental. As my kids have taught me again and again, “Mom, sometimes I just need you to say, ‘poor baby.’”
When we’re connected with our kids, we can engage with them, teach them, support them, empower them, and ultimately guide them to independence and success. When we’re disconnected, they tune us out—shutting the door on open communication (if not slamming it in our faces). When they stop listening, it’s like we hit our heads against that door, frustrated, scared, and clueless how to get them to open up.
The A.C.E. Method helps you communicate with connection.
Acknowledgment + Compassion = Empathy
Acknowledge: Verbalize what’s going on for your child so they can recognize it. They’ll feel heard instead of “wrong.”
“Wow, when you were standing on the counter, I’m guessing you had forgotten that you’re not supposed to do that, huh?”
“When your sister’s backpack knocked into you, it surprised you. I know you don’t want to hurt her, and when you thought you were being hit, your instinct was to hit back.”
“When I asked you to take out the garbage, I’m wondering if you heard me or processed that I was asking you to do something.”
Compassion: Show that you understand how it feels to make a mistake or be asked to do something you don’t want to do. For bonus points, use humor.
“When I’m really excited about something, it’s hard for me to control myself too.”
“When I get startled, I get freaked out too, and sometimes I can’t control myself. Remember when I saw that cockroach?”
“When I’m concentrating on something, sometimes I don’t realize someone is speaking to me.”
Note: It helps to pause after A. and C. Maybe even repeat them a few times. When everyone’s ready, move on to E.
Explore: Problem-solve how they might handle things differently in the future, negotiate a compromise, or create a code word. Allow your child to regain a sense of control. If they start getting upset, go back to A. and C.
“When you’re trying to reach something high, would you ask for help or maybe use a step stool? What might remind you not to climb?”
“When you get startled, it can hurt people, even when you don’t mean to. Let’s think about how to help you respond differently when you get startled. I know you love your sister. Let’s make sure she’s okay and apologize, and then come up with new ideas. Sounds good?”
“When you’re hyperfocused, it’s like the rest of the world doesn’t exist. I’ll try to get your attention before I ask you to do something, okay? Should I tap your shoulder or ask for your attention?”
As my daughter backed out of the eighth-grade dance at the last minute, my husband questioned her about the choice she was making. Frustrated, she said, “I don’t need a coach, I need a parent right now.”
Smiling, her dad said, “go get in the car, you’re going to the dance.”
“I’ll take a coach,” she replied. She didn’t end up going to the dance, but she understood her reasons for making that decision, and handled the friendship issue well—all with our full support.
Would I have preferred she go to the dance? Yes, actually. But she’s an independent being with her own lessons to learn. Instead of fixating on what we thought she needed to do, we guided her to make a conscious, thoughtful decision about what she wanted to do. Could we have made her go to the dance? Certainly. But what would that have really accomplished? Sometimes we get so invested in teaching them what we want them to learn that we stand in the way of their learning what they need to learn.
As our kids get older, we need to heed the wisdom of Socrates and shift from telling to asking. With questions, kids learn to discover their own answers. We avoid “I told you so,” empowering them to process information for themselves, develop the skills to figure things out, learn from experiences, and practice making decisions.
You might be “telling” too much if you hear yourself say things such as:
• “I tried to tell her that … ”
• “I have already explained … ”
• “I told them ...”
• “It’s so important that … ”
• “I need you to understand that … ”
• “I made a list for him, but … ”
• “I only have a few years left before … ”
• “It’s not okay if he … ”
Asking questions is core to coaching. Not interrogations, but open-ended questions, generally without yes or no answers. Instead of telling people what to do or feel, questions guide people to think about what they might do or how they actually feel.
We get so invested in teaching them what we want them to learn that we stand in the way of their learning what they need to learn.
Questions are an invitation, a welcoming from one person to another. They say, “What you think, or say, or feel truly matters to me.” Of course, it helps when we remember to listen for the answers.
When most of our communication with our kids goes one way—when we’re constantly trying to teach them, tell them, or convince them—communication breaks down. Eventually they stop listening altogether. Can you really blame them? It’s human to resist feeling controlled.
Funny, when little kids want to do things by themselves, we proudly admire their independence and self-determination. We involve toddlers in decision making, giving them choices to avoid meltdowns.
The older they get, the more important that practice becomes, and yet somehow, we start lecturing more and giving fewer choices. Then they stop doing things just to please us, which is developmentally appropriate; it’s an indication that they’re developing a healthy sense of self. But we interpret that as a problem instead of an opportunity.
Help your child begin to see success as their responsibility.
“But if they’re not doing what they’re supposed to, don’t I have to make sure they get it done, or that they learn to do it?” you wonder. The goal is to communicate so your child will actually receive information from you and be willing to do something with it.
It’s our job to find teachable moments to educate our kids. We want to prepare them to step into the adult world, raise them with our values, and make sure they learn from our experiences. So I’m not suggesting that you stop giving directions or teaching your child.
The opportunity is to help your child begin to see success as their responsibility. Think about questions to help them focus on the next step. They might not choose the path you think is best (such as going to the school dance), but as they answer your questions, they’ll develop their own agenda and step into ownership of their lives.
• When do you tend to solve your own problems, not your child’s?
• How are you taking a collaborative approach?
• What helps you get your kids’ buy-in?
• What are you trying too hard to control? You might want to journal on this one for a while.
• When can you imagine that using A.C.E. could be helpful for you? How do you think it will be helpful for your child?
• How comfortable are you with asking open-ended questions?