What It’s Like to Be a Nine
- I’ll do almost anything to avoid conflict.
- I’m not a self-starter.
- Sometimes I get lost in doing trivial tasks, while things that really need to get done get put off.
- I’m happy to go along with what others want to do.
- I tend to procrastinate.
- People seem to want me to be more decisive.
- When I get distracted and go off task I give my attention to whatever is happening right in front of me.
- I often choose the path of least resistance.
- I find routines at work and home comforting, and I feel unsettled when something throws them off.
- Others see me as more peaceful than I really am.
- I have a hard time getting started, but once I do I really get things done.
- I’m a “what you see is what you get” person.
- I don’t think of myself as being very important.
- People think I’m a good listener even though I find it hard to pay attention in a long conversation.
- I don’t like to take work home with me.
- Sometimes I tune out and think about the past.
- I don’t enjoy big social gatherings as much as a quiet evening at home with the ones I love.
- Being outdoors is very soothing for me.
- I am often quietly stubborn when people put demands on me.
- It would feel selfish to spend a whole day doing whatever I want to do.
4
Type Nine
The Peacemaker
You cannot find peace by avoiding life.
Healthy Nines are natural mediators. They see and value the perspective of other people and can harmonize what seem to be irreconcilable points of view. They are unselfish, flexible and inclusive. These Nines are seldom attached to their own way of seeing and doing things. They’ve learned to make decisions based on the right priorities. They are inspiring, self-actualized people.
Average Nines, while they come off as sweet and easygoing, are stubborn and out of touch with their anger. These Nines overlook themselves. Though they generally feel unimportant, they occasionally wake up and realize they have to work on investing in themselves. They are willing to stand up for justice on behalf of others but would not likely risk doing much to stand up for themselves. They don’t ask for much though they appreciate what others do for them.
Unhealthy Nines have trouble making decisions and become overly dependent. To dull feelings of sadness and anger they engage in numbing behaviors. Struggling to maintain the illusion that all is well, they can vacillate between acquiescence and open hostility.
In my early twenties I had a firsthand experience with someone who suffered from a sleep disorder. One night I was awakened by what sounded like the voice of a little child faintly singing downstairs in our kitchen. This was distressing. I had recently seen Wes Craven’s film Nightmare on Elm Street, which featured a choir of creepy little kids who sang “One, Two, Freddy’s Coming for You” every time he was about to carve up his next victim. Like Job, I felt “the terrors of the thick darkness.”
Armed with a candlestick lamp, I snuck downstairs only to discover my sleepwalking housemate in the living room in his boxers mindlessly dancing in place while singing Madonna’s “Like a Virgin.” If we’d had smartphones back then I could have captured that moment, posted it on YouTube, and it would have gone viral—Gangnam style.
That memory still makes me laugh, but somnambulism, the medical term for sleepwalking, can actually be quite dangerous. Some people while sleepwalking have climbed 140-foot cranes, driven cars, walked out third-story windows and even murdered their in-laws. Heck, I think there are entire countries being run by people who are sleepwalking. But I digress.
Great Christian teachers have long used sleepwalking as a metaphor to describe the human spiritual condition. When our personalities are on autopilot they lull us into a half-sleeping state in which we find ourselves trapped in the same habitual, repetitious patterns of mindless reactivity we’ve been caught up in since childhood. It’s predictable to the point of hypnotic. Nines suffer from a more aggressive form of somnambulism than other numbers. If they’re not careful they can sleepwalk through life.
John Waters and Ronna Phifer-Ritchie are spot on when they say Nines are the “sweethearts of the Enneagram.” My wife, Anne, and my daughter Maddie are both Nines. I adore them. When Nines are spiritually mature they are chill, easygoing people who know how to relax and go with the flow of life. Adaptable and even-tempered, they don’t sweat the small stuff like so many of us do. They’re Gore-Tex, not Velcro. The least controlling number on the Enneagram, Nines allow life to unfold naturally, and they offer others the freedom and space to grow in their own time and way. They are quick to love, slow to judge and rarely ask to be recognized for the effort they put into caring for other people. They’re free and easy, down-to-earth, practical people who are eminently likable. Honestly, I can’t say enough good about Nines who are doing or have done their work. But Nines are also no strangers to the principle of inertia. They know from experience that a body in motion stays in motion, and a body at rest stays at rest. When overwhelmed with too many things to do, too many decisions to make or the upsetting prospect of change, Nines can slow to a crawl. If they come to a full stop they know it might take a lot of energy to get themselves going again. As Suzanne likes to say, “Nines start off slow . . . and then they taper off.” More about these foibles as we go.
The Nine’s Deadly Sin
The deadly sin of Nines is sloth, a word we usually associate with physical laziness. The sloth of Nines, however, is spiritual in nature. Average Nines are disconnected from the passion and motivational drive necessary to rise up and live their “one wild and precious life.” Immature Nines don’t fully connect to the fire in the belly they need to chase after their God-given life and, as a result, fail to become their own person. But tapping into those fiery passions and instinctual drives would upset the inner peace and equilibrium the Nine treasures above almost everything else. And now we’re closer to the truth. For Nines, sloth has to do with their desire to not be overly bothered by life. They literally don’t want life to get to them. Remember, Nines are in the Anger or Gut Triad. You can’t lay claim to your life unless you have guts, unless you have access to your animating instinctual fire. But Nines are slothful when it comes to fully paying attention to their own lives, figuring out what they want in life, chasing their dreams, addressing their own needs, developing their own gifts and pursuing their calling. They cling to and protect their “Hakuna Matata” inner harmony. They ask little of life and hope life returns the favor. If Eights are too in touch with their gut instincts and overexpress their anger, Nines are out of touch with their gut and underexpress their anger. Nines are out of touch with the good side of anger, the part that inspires, drives change, moves things along and gives them courage to stand up for themselves. When you’re unplugged from this side of anger, you become lethargic and dreamy.
This failure to risk fully engaging with life stems in part from the Nines’ need to avoid conflict at all costs.
Nines fear that expressing their preferences or asserting their agenda will put important relationships at risk and upset the calm surface of their inner sea. What if their priorities and wants compete with the agenda of someone they care about and this difference leads to conflict and relational disconnection? What if asserting their own opinions, needs and desires creates disharmony between them and the people they love? Nines so value feeling comfortable and tranquil, maintaining the status quo, and preserving connections with others that they set aside their own viewpoints and aspirations to merge with those of others. This doesn’t seem like a big deal for Peacemakers, who often grew up feeling like neither their presence nor priorities matter much to others. A Nine thinks, Why rock the boat when nothing I say or do ever seems to make much of a difference in the world anyway? Wouldn’t it be easier and more comfortable not to assert my priorities and take the path of least resistance? As you can imagine there is often a hint of resignation in the air around Nines. Sadly, they pay a price for their “go along to get along” philosophy of life and not pursuing a life worthy of their gifts and spirit. They fall asleep to their lives.
To cope with having countless things to do and not knowing where to start, to avoid the backlog of unanswered questions and postponed decisions crying out for their attention, to keep their anger out of view, and to buoy a low self-esteem, Nines have unhealthy coping strategies. They will often turn to food, sex, drinking, exercise, shopping, the reassuring comfort of habits and routines, performing mindless busywork, or vegging out on the couch and watching TV to numb out and ignore their feelings, wants and desires. What Nines fail to realize is that numbing out is a bogus form of relaxation, a cheap imitation of the genuine peace for which they long.
But Nines should take heart: they are more courageous and resourceful than they know. Remember, on the Enneagram any number’s blight is merely a distortion of that number’s blessing. All of us have work to do. So, as Aslan the lion cries at the end of the Narnia Chronicles, “Further up and further in!”
All About Nines or Peacemakers
Nines share several common traits that characterize them as a group, like self-forgetting, difficulty making decisions and a tendency to be easily distracted. While not all Nines exhibit every single trait, many Nines will recognize themselves in what follows. (Or, at least, their friends and family members will immediately diagnose these traits in their beloved Nines, while the Nines will agree with what they say because maintaining harmony by agreeing with others is exactly how Nines operate.)
Self-forgetting and merging. Nines self-forget. All three numbers in the Anger Triad are self-forgetting. Eights forget rest and self-care, Ones forget to kick back and have fun more often, and Nines forget their opinions, preferences and priorities. Instead they merge with the feelings, viewpoints and pursuits of others and in so doing they erase themselves. To avoid kicking up a hornet’s nest in their relationships, unevolved Nines neglect their soul’s summons to identify, name and assert what they want in life and to go hard after it. In fact, they can merge so deeply with the life program and identity of another that they eventually mistake the other’s feelings, opinions, successes and aspirations for their own.
Perched at the summit of the Enneagram, Nines enjoy an unobstructed view of the world. From this vantage point they not only have the benefit of seeing the world the way every other number sees it, but they also naturally incorporate into themselves a measure of the core characteristic strengths associated with every type. As Riso and Hudson observe, Nines can embody the idealism of Ones, the kindness of Twos, the attractiveness of Threes, the creativity of Fours, the intellectual horsepower of Fives, the loyalty of Sixes, the optimism and adventurousness of Sevens, and the strength of Eights. Unfortunately, from this privileged position Nines tend to see the world from the viewpoint of every number but their own. Or as Riso and Hudson put it, “The only type the Nine is not like is the Nine itself.”
Because they can see through the eyes of every other number and are therefore unclear about who they are and what they want, Nines drop their healthy boundaries to fuse with a more assertive partner, whom they idealize and from whom they hope to glean a sense of identity and purpose. But after a while they don’t know where they end and the other person begins. People will sometimes experience or describe Nines as blurry, passive, in “soft focus” or lacking a distinct self. Because they feel unimportant and as if they’re not special enough to matter or change anything, Nines are conspicuously inconspicuous. Their diffuse energy can give others the impression that they’re everywhere and nowhere at the same time. They can walk in and out of rooms barely being noticed. As Enneagram teacher Lynette Sheppard writes, “Being with a Nine can feel like falling into a big, comfortable space.”
“I have so much to do I’m going to bed.”
Savoyard Proverb
Average Nines have less stamina and energy than any other number on the Enneagram. They can take off like a rocket on a project, but then halfway into flight they succumb to inertia and “mission drift” and plummet back to the earth. There are often a lot of unfinished projects in a Nine’s wake—half-caulked bathtubs, partially mown lawns, nearly organized garages. They may feel exhausted, and with good reason: Nines are smack in the middle of the Anger or Gut Triad. As you’ve learned, their neighbors the Challengers externalize their anger and—sorry for the spoiler—their other neighbors, the Ones, internalize it. To avoid conflict and inner turmoil, Nines fall asleep to their anger. This doesn’t mean it disappears, only that they have to work hard to contain it and keep it out of their own view. This is a toilsome, soul-wearying enterprise.
Unlike Eights and Ones, Nines also have to erect and maintain not one but two boundaries—the first to defend their peaceful center from being negatively affected by the outer world, and the second to defend their serene interior against being unsettled by upsetting thoughts and feelings arising from within. It takes effort to ignore your anger and hold up two boundaries. It diverts energy that Nines could otherwise dedicate to more fully engaging with life and developing themselves. No wonder they feel inexplicably tired so much of the time. So tired that when they’re not actively performing a task and they momentarily sit down to take a break, Nines will sometimes literally doze off.
Sometimes you’ll spot a Nine staring detachedly into the middle distance as if they’ve checked out and fallen into a dreamy trancelike state. They have. When Nines feel overwhelmed—like when a conflict threatens to arise or people are telling them what to do—or sometimes for no discernible reason at all, they tune out and withdraw into a place in their mind that Enneagram teachers call the Nine’s “inner sanctum.” At these moments Nines uncouple from their anger and life energy and ignore the call to take action on something. Nines tell Suzanne and me that while in their inner sanctum they replay past events or conversations and what they wish they’d said or done differently. If anxiety is the cause of their retreat to the inner sanctum, they’ll think, Why am I upset right now? Is this my fault or someone else’s? Or at times they simply retreat to reconnect to or recover their comforting, albeit illusionary, sense of interior peace. If Nines fall too deeply into this hazy trance, they become increasingly absent-minded and less productive, which only causes more problems for them in their relationships.
Because they sometimes lack drive and focus, average Nines often become jacks-of-all-trades but masters of none. They are generalists who, because they know a little bit about everything, can find something to talk about with everybody. Conversations with Nines are delightful as long as they don’t switch over to cruise control. You’ll know a Nine has done this when, after asking them how their day went, they launch into a long, drawn-out story containing more details and detours than you ever thought possible. It’s this tendency to verbally meander at times that explains why some Enneagram teachers use the term epic saga to describe the Nine’s talk style.
Ambivalence and decision making. Remember how each number on the Enneagram diagram is connected to two others by arrowed lines, indicating how the numbers dynamically interact with each other? Positioned at the top of the Enneagram, Nine has one foot in Three and the other in Six. Though we haven’t covered either of those numbers yet, Threes are the most conformist or compliant of all the numbers while Sixes are the most nonconformist or anti-authoritarian of all the numbers. What this means for Nines is big-time ambivalence. Nines frequently feel torn between wanting to please others and wanting to defy them. When faced with having to take a stand or make a decision, Nines will smile and look calm on the outside, but inside they will feel overwhelmed by what to do: Do I think this is a good idea or not? Do I want to do this or don’t I? Do I say yes to this person’s request or do I say no and risk disconnection? To avoid disconnection, their conformist side will want to say yes to keep everyone happy, while their nonconformist side will feel like flipping them off for once again having to neuter their own feelings and desires to adapt.
Because there are so many angles from which to examine an issue, so many factors to take into consideration, and so many pros and cons to fret over, Nines often never get around to deciding. They sit on the fence and agonize over what to do while waiting for someone else to make the decision or for the situation to naturally work itself out on its own. All this fence sitting leads to procrastination, which can drive the rest of the world crazy. Though you may not pick up on it at first, the more you pressure a Nine to make a decision or do something the more they quietly dig their heels in and resist. Nines can and do make decisions, but given their ambivalent nature it can take them a long time. That there’s a stockpile of unresolved questions and pending decisions already taking up real estate in their minds doesn’t help speed the process along either.
If on a Friday afternoon I text Anne saying, “Where do you want to go for dinner tonight?” she will respond, “I don’t know, where do you want to go?” This text always comes so quickly I’m convinced she has it preprogrammed into her phone. Remember, as a Nine Anne doesn’t want to assert her preferences for fear they will create conflict or arouse unpleasant feelings between us. She wants to know what I want so she can adapt and merge with my desires, skirting potential disagreement. It’s the telltale response of a Nine.
This exchange also reveals how hard it is for Nines to make choices when they’re faced with unlimited possibilities. It’s easier for Nines to know what they don’t want than what they do want, so people who love a Nine would do well to offer them a limited set of options from which to select. If I send Anne a text saying, “Would you like to go out for Thai, Indian or Chinese tonight?” there will be a three-minute pause followed by a text saying, “Thai,” with a thumbs-up emoji.
People who want to help a Nine should realize how important it is not to rob them of whatever choice they do make. I’m not as big a fan of Thai food as Anne is, so halfway to the restaurant I might think, Anne probably doesn’t care one way or another where we go for dinner, whereas I really want Chinese. If I tell her I want to go to Jolly Panda she’ll happily agree.
And I’m right, she will. But because I love Anne and I know she’s working on the challenges of her Nine-ness, I want her decision to stand, and to let her lead. Nines already feel that their preferences and presence matter less than other people’s. The last thing they need is for you and I to cosign that BS.
Let’s look at one last aspect of Nines’ ambivalence. Maybe because they’re perched on the crown of the Enneagram where they can catch a glimpse of everyone’s perspective, Nines can see all points of view. And they all seem equally valid. Their ability to see two sides to everything makes them natural mediators—and the kind of person everyone assumes is on their side. Suzanne’s husband, Joe, a Methodist pastor, often sees couples for marriage counseling. Sometimes a woman in the congregation will sidle up to Suzanne at coffee hour on Sunday and whisper something like, “I’m so glad my husband and I are meeting with Joe. He understands where I’m coming from and who needs fixing in our marriage.”
Fifteen minutes later the husband of the woman will take Suzanne aside and say, “I’m so grateful Joe’s counseling us. Finally someone sees what I’ve been saying all along and knows I’m not crazy.”
Picking up a pattern? Nines are so good at seeing and identifying with every viewpoint that people often walk away from them feeling the Nine not only understood them but also agreed with them, even though the Nine never actually came out and said so. Because they’re so empathetic and able to recognize the merits of different perspectives, healthy Nines can often reconcile seemingly irreconcilable points of view. But this capacity to see both sides to everything can also create problems. Suzanne and I sometimes compare notes and laugh about the challenges of raising kids with people who see two sides to everything. When you catch your kids doing something wrong, do you send them to their room saying, “You just wait until your [insert other parent here] comes home and hears what you did”? Whenever Suzanne or I said that to our kids when they were growing up, they just nodded their heads and grinned slyly. They knew what would happen when that parent came home. First, Anne or Joe would listen to our side of the story and then go upstairs to talk to whichever of our kids was in trouble. Fifteen minutes later Joe or Anne would come back downstairs with the child peering out from behind them and say something like, “You know, the kid has a point.” Understand that seeing and acknowledging both points of view is the average Nine’s way of not having to take a stand and experience conflict or disconnection.
“Peace is the only battle worth raising.”
Albert Camus
A task for growing Nines is to discern and declare which of two viewpoints is correct from their point of view.
Sadly, Nines will sometimes abandon their own opinion and defer to someone else’s, either because they’re uncertain or simply because they want to blend in and get along with them. Nines have to learn how to identify, give voice to and stick to their own point of view regardless of how much pressure they feel to change it in the moment to appease others.
A related challenge is the conundrum of prioritizing some tasks over others. Since all undertakings seem equally important to Nines, it’s hard for them to decide what to tackle first. Every Monday morning when Suzanne’s husband, Joe, walks into the office, his secretary hands him a list of what he needs to accomplish that week in order of importance. Joe is a supersmart guy who leads the oldest deeded church in Dallas. But without a list he’ll just do the next thing that presents itself to him. Some Nines will resent it and go all subtly stubborn on you if you insist they start using a list, but without one they pose a threat to the civilian population at-large.
Although Nines seem to tread in ambivalence, there are times when they know exactly what they have to do and they do it, regardless of the controversy or conflict it will cause or how much it will cost them personally. At these moments Nines are acting on the basis of conviction. In the literature of the Enneagram this is called “right action.”
We might be wrong, but Suzanne and I think Bill Clinton is a Nine. Between November 1995 and January 1996, President Clinton and then–Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich locked horns in an epic battle over cuts to the federal budget that resulted in two unprecedented shutdowns of the government. During the contentious, high-stakes negotiations between the White House and members of the Republican-controlled Congress, Clinton staffers worried the president would either acquiesce to Gingrich’s demands or make so many compromises that he would irreparably hurt himself politically. Clinton hated conflict. At times he had trouble making and sticking to decisions, and more than once during his political career he had acquiesced to political rivals for the sake of making peace. But one night, after Gingrich had refused to accept the last of many deal offers, Clinton looked at him and said, “You know, Newt, I can’t do what you want me to do. I don’t believe it’s right for the country. And it may cost me the election, but I can’t do it.” In the staring contest between Gingrich and Clinton over the government shutdown, Gingrich blinked first. A few days later Republicans agreed to reopen the government without a budget deal. Clinton won the next election. Many historians say making and sticking to that decision is what clinched Clinton’s election to a second term.
White House staffers who were present when this exchange occurred say they knew they had witnessed something extraordinary take place inside Clinton. He exercised right action. Do you see how such action is the opposite of sloth? I have a feeling, though, that if Hillary asked Bill where he wanted to go to dinner to celebrate the outcome of his meeting with Newt, he probably would have shrugged and said, “I don’t know, where do you want to go?”
Watershed moments of this magnitude will only present themselves a handful of times in a Nine’s life, but as they work on themselves they can begin to take similarly bold actions in smaller matters. They can find the courage to initiate an uncomfortable conversation, go back to grad school to earn the degree and pursue the career they’ve always wanted, or refuse to bow to pressure from colleagues who want them to change position on a business matter.
Passive-aggression. Remember how I said when you first begin working with the Enneagram it can be painful? How all of us can feel exposed and ashamed when we discover the dark side of our type? This can be particularly true for Nines, who often overattach to and enjoy their reputation for being the good guy or the nice girl. If you’re a Nine, keep in mind as you read the next few paragraphs that, as with every number, your curse is the flip side of your blessing; none of us are getting out of this book without feeling stung once or twice, and we’re going to talk about what’s beautiful about you before this is over. So . . .
People often ask Suzanne or me, “How can people who are so kind and friendly reside in the Anger Triad?” Despite their reputation for being sweet and accommodating, Nines aren’t always sticking daisies into rifle barrels. Nines can be as angry as Eights, but you wouldn’t know it given their affable and pleasant exterior. Nines are loaded with unresolved anger, but they’re afraid the experience of letting it out will prove too overwhelming, so they fall asleep to it. Though they’re out of touch with it, Nines harbor resentments going back to childhood or more recently for having sacrificed their own agenda or dreams to support yours or the kids’. Because they don’t know when or how to say no to people, they feel angry that others seem to take advantage of their seeming inability to set boundaries in relationships. If that weren’t enough, they feel annoyed when people tell them to wake up and start doing more than the minimum to get by. All this pressure upsets their inner calm!
Nines don’t forget real or perceived slights, but because they’re conflict avoidant they will rarely express their anger openly. Sure, every now and then Nines will blow their top, but most will maintain their almost Buddha-like calm and leak their ire indirectly.
“Trying to make her angry is like trying to find a corner on a bowling ball.”
Craig McLay
If you do something to make a Nine angry on Monday morning, they often won’t feel it until Tuesday afternoon. Come Tuesday night you’ll know they have their hackles up with you over something when you ask whether they fulfilled their promise to pick up your dress from the dry cleaner for your important business trip tomorrow and in a nearly repentant tone of voice they say, “Oh dear, I forgot.” Remember, for a Nine who lacks self-knowledge this is not necessarily conscious behavior. They’re just humming along in the trance of their Nine-ness.
Stubbornness is the Nine’s go-to passive-aggressive behavior, particularly when they feel like they’re being pressured into agreeing to a plan or doing something they don’t want to do. But they have other arrows in their quiver of passive-aggressive actions they can choose from when they want to indirectly express their anger over something or take control of a situation, such as avoidance, procrastination, stonewalling, tuning out, giving the silent treatment or not performing tasks that are clearly theirs to do, among other things. When a Nine’s partner finally gets frustrated and demands, “Is something wrong?” the Nine might insist, “I don’t know what you mean.” Sadly, their passive-aggressive behaviors end up making others angrier, which only creates more conflict and problems for the Nine than if they’d just come out and said they were mad in the first place.
Because Anne knows I’m a stickler about being on time for things, she generally tries to be ready to leave, especially when it’s really important for us to be punctual. From time to time, however, she pulls the equivalent of a longshoreman’s union work slowdown. This forces me to stand at the bottom of the stairs looking at my watch and yelling for her to hurry up because we’re going to miss the beginning of a movie or insult our dinner hosts.
Now that I’m familiar with how Nines operate, I know her slowing down to a snail’s pace means that Anne’s angry with me about something but doesn’t want to spark an argument by telling me directly. She wants me to figure out why she’s upset and fix the problem without her having to get involved. So now when this happens I go upstairs and say, “Okay, spit it out,” to which she’ll say, “Life was so much better before you knew the Enneagram.”
Prioritizing and distractions. When faced with having to wake up and address their own priorities, Nines will sometimes focus on inessential tasks and leave the more essential ones until last. This is a baffling but effective defensive maneuver on the part of the Nine to turn their attention away from identifying their own life priorities, having to feel their anger and acting on their own behalf.
One Sunday afternoon I asked Anne, who teaches middle school history, whether she wanted to go to the gym, but she declined, saying her parent-teacher comments were due the next day and she hadn’t started them yet. When I arrived home a few hours later I was surprised to find Anne polishing silverware. I didn’t even know we owned silverware.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“I found our wedding silver in the back of the corner hutch in the dining room and told Maddie she could have it. It was so tarnished I thought I’d polish it for her.”
“What about your comments?” I asked. “Aren’t they due tomorrow?”
“Fine,” Anne said, abandoning the gravy boat. “I was just trying to do something helpful.”
Nines are easily pulled away by distractions. Everyone else’s priorities are more important than theirs, and such distractions are a great way to self-forget and avoid the pain of not knowing what you want in life. But wait—the human mind is marvelously creative—there’s always more.
One night Anne and I invited my mom to join us for dinner at 6 p.m. At 3 p.m. Anne announced she was going to make a quick run to the grocery store to buy ingredients for the meal. At 5:00 she still hadn’t returned, so I called her cell.
“Where are you? My mom’s coming in sixty minutes. Have you been to the grocery store yet?”
“You know if we were sitting on the front porch talking and a horse walked by, my dad would just get on it and ride off.”
Natalie Goldberg
Silence.
“Not yet. I was on my way there but Sue was out on her front lawn when I drove past her house so I stopped to say hello, and while we were talking the chain on one of her kids’ bikes fell off and she didn’t know how to put it back on so I helped her. After I left I realized I had grease on my blouse so I stopped at CVS to buy some stain remover, and I remembered I had a prescription in my purse for Maddie’s eye drops so I got that filled, and then when I was finally on my way to Whole Foods I drove past Bed, Bath, and Beyond and saw a banner up advertising a bedding sale, and Aidan will need new sheets and pillows for school in September, and I had a bunch of 20 percent off coupons in my purse so I ran inside and bought some, but now I’m almost to the grocery store and I’ll be home in twenty minutes.”
Do you see what happened? When a Nine gets sidetracked by a nonessential task or activity (e.g., stopping to chat with a friend), they can forget the Big Picture (e.g., in two hours Mama is coming for dinner). No longer seeing or feeling the urgency of the Big Picture, the Nine can no longer assign value to or prioritize tasks (e.g., buying food for hungry Mama now). Without said Big Picture (Mama ETA only sixty minutes), the Nine’s attention loses focus and becomes diffused. Every task now seems to take on equal importance, so the Nine ends up doing whatever presents itself to them in the moment.
We all need friends or a partner who can ask us questions that wake us out of the trance of our particular number. “Are you still on task?” is a good question to pose to a Nine who appears to be busily doing everything and nothing at the same time.
Nines as Children
I’ve never met a kid more easygoing, with a sweeter spirit and a preternatural talent for sensing the needs of others, than my daughter Maddie. Back when I was leading a start-up church Anne and I often entertained groups of people in our home. Four or five years old at the time, Maddie would walk into a room of adults and pick someone’s lap to crawl into and curl up in a ball and fall asleep like a cat. When it came to making people feel peaceful, this kid was better than a Xanax and two glasses of wine. You could literally see a palpable wave of calm and relief fall over whomever Maddie picked to receive this special treatment.
One day a friend asked Anne, “Have you ever noticed when Maddie’s looking around to decide whose lap she’s going to curl up in that she always picks someone who’s going through a divorce, a serious health issue or some other big life crisis?” We’d never made the connection before, but our friend was absolutely right. I think Maddie’s gut told her who in the room most needed the peace and reassurance that everything was going to be okay. Her presence still communicates that today. Maddie lives in California and wants to be a therapist. She doesn’t have her degree yet, but if I were you I’d make an appointment now. She’s going to be busy.
Many, many Nines tell Suzanne and me they grew up in homes where they either were, or perceived themselves to be, overlooked and where their preferences, opinions or feelings were of less importance than those of others. The wounding message Nines heard is “Your wants, opinions, desires and presence don’t matter much.” My Maddie is not only a Nine but a middle child wedged between an older sister and younger brother who are both assertive numbers on the Enneagram. It saddens me, but I suspect Maddie sometimes felt like the classic lost child. I wish Anne and I had been familiar with the Enneagram when our kids were little. I would have known how important it was to make sure Maddie felt seen and important. Thankfully, she knows it now.
Nines as kids are very easy to be with. They’re not always the first ones to jump into activities or shoot their hand up to answer a question in class, but they bring harmony and cheer wherever they go. As kids Nines feel very uncomfortable when there’s conflict between parents and other family members, so they’ll try to play the role of mediator while looking for a place to stand where they won’t be forced to choose a side. If people are uncompromising and can’t broker a peaceful solution, a child Nine may feel angry, but their anger is usually overlooked or ignored so they either keep it to themselves, mentally check out or hightail it out of the room. Often when my son Aidan and daughter Cailey got into a fight in the car, Maddie would put her head against the window and fall asleep to escape the conflict.
These little beauties feel like their ideas and feelings aren’t valued, so they learn the art of merging very early in life. While they would prefer not being the center of attention for too much or too long, they long for us to notice and honor their presence. Like all kids they are looking for a place and a way to feel like they belong.
Nines in Relationships
Mature Nines make wonderful partners, parents and friends. Loyal and kind, they will go above and beyond the call of duty to support you. They’re fun, flexible and don’t complain much. They love life’s simple pleasures. If you give them the choice between getting dressed up and going to a black-tie gala or snuggling on the couch with you and the kids for pizza and a movie, they’ll pick the latter. Nines always have their special place in the home where they can retreat to be quiet and engage in an activity that enhances their experience of peacefulness.
A healthy Nine is someone who has woken up and found their voice or come into their own. They know they’re important enough to invest in and that they matter in the lives of their family, friends and coworkers. A healthy Nine is spiritually inspiring. They’re receptive to the world, yet not so open or lacking in boundaries that they lose their sense of self-definition.
Nines who are asleep get in trouble in relationships when conflict arises (and when doesn’t it?) and they refuse to acknowledge and resolve it. Denial is a big defense mechanism for them. They don’t want to face anything that will unsettle their harmony, so they tell their inner orchestra to play louder while their ship is sinking. They might ignore the obvious signs that something’s wrong, minimize the problems, or suggest a simple repair that only reveals how out of touch they are with the magnitude of the issue and how determined they are to avoid the unpleasantness of dealing with it. Because they want to avoid conflict and painful conversations, others have to hold Nines’ feet to the fire to address serious problems in relationships. Their desire to skirt conflict and fuse with another person is so strong that Nines will cling to relationships long past their expiration dates.
Nines are not initiators, but they’re thrilled when others reach out to them. They have a wonderful ability to reconnect with people whom they haven’t run into in a long time. Even after years of not seeing a person, they can pick up the conversation as if it had only been yesterday when they last saw you.
Here’s what I’ve learned being married to a Nine and parenting a Nine: what feels like a minor tiff to you feels like the Battle of the Bulge to them. What you hear as a fractional increase in the volume of your voice a Nine hears as yelling.
It’s important that before I share my thoughts or feelings about something I ask Anne or Maddie what theirs are. This not only honors them, it lessens the possibility they will merge with mine and perhaps agree to do something they don’t want to do.
Nines at Work
Position available for even-keeled, reliable, enthusiastic team player to work in harmonious environment. Approachable and diplomatic, this person must be able to get along with a wide range of people. Those who enjoy stirring up controversies or playing office politics need not apply.
If this want ad were to appear on LinkedIn there would be a mile-long queue of Nines clamoring to get an interview. It might even occasion an outbreak of violence among this usually peaceful population.
Healthy Nines are great workers and colleagues. Some have partners who believe in them and dedicate their lives to help them live into their potential (e.g., Nancy Reagan, Hillary Clinton). Supportive, nonjudgmental and inclusive, they build bridges and bring people together in a spirit of cooperation. Many Nines tell Suzanne and me they aren’t particularly ambitious, though some are. They don’t covet the corner office or need a big expense account. If they have a good job with reasonable pay and perks, they’re content to stay where they are. Because they’re able to see multiple points of view, Nines can solve problems and put together deals where everyone wins.
Nines draw their energy and derive a sense of identity from the group, so they would rather merge with the team and share the credit for a success than go out of their way to shine the spotlight on themselves to advance their career. They like a little recognition but mostly fly under the radar so as not to draw too much attention to themselves. What if their accomplishments at work lead to a change in duties or being assigned more work? When an opportunity for advancement comes up, Nines might pursue it—but only when they’re ready. For the most part Nines aren’t high-energy people, and they don’t like feeling controlled or pressured to perform.
Creatures of habit, Nines appreciate structure, predictability and routine in the workplace. Nines don’t like to bring work home, and they definitely don’t like interruptions on weekends or vacation.
Nines make wonderful counselors, teachers, clergy and public relations executives. “Being a teacher is perfect for me,” my wife Anne says. “I work best when I know there’s a set pattern and rhythm to my life. I like knowing which classes I teach on what days, when semesters begin and end, when vacations are, and what the head of school expects of me. Most of all I have great relationships with my colleagues and I love the kids.”
Unfortunately it’s as easy to take advantage of Nines in the workplace as it is in relationships. They’re too accommodating. To avoid rocking the boat they say yes when they want to say no and often regret it later.
Nines tend to sell themselves short at work. They have considerable skills but undervalue them. Though capable of holding positions at the highest levels in the professional world, most Nines gravitate toward middle management where they can avoid the kind of conflicts and stress associated with leadership such as making unpopular decisions, supervising employees or having to fire people.
Wings
Nines with an Eight wing (9w8). This is one of the most complex combinations on the Enneagram, given the Eight’s need to go against power and the Nine’s need to avoid conflict. Eights are energized by anger, while Nines avoid it at all costs. Talk about a walking contradiction! These two numbers bring a new twist to the “opposites attract” cliché, but it is also a powerful place within the system. More energized, confident, stubborn, outgoing and inner-directed than the 9w1s, 9w8s have more access to anger and express it more openly if they or others are threatened. (Suzanne’s daughter Jenny is a 9w8. She says, “Mom, I’m in so much trouble. My Eight wing just did a bunch of stuff it’s going to take three weeks for my Nine wing to clean up.”) Remember that this uptick in confidence and periodic aggression is relative to how other Nines behave, not to other numbers who have way more access to their anger and can express it more openly.
“It’s better to keep peace than to have to make peace.”
Unknown
Though they will sometimes change their minds, 9w8s find it much easier to be clear and direct about things that are important to them. Although the Eight wing doesn’t make it more likely that they will act on their own behalf, they are energetic in acting on behalf of the underdog and the common good. These Nines tend to be more confrontational than other Nines, but they are also quick to be conciliatory.
Nines with a One wing (9w1). Nines with a One wing (the Perfectionist) have a strong sense of the difference between right and wrong. One energy helps these Nines stay a little more focused, so they are able to accomplish more, which enhances their confidence. The 9w1s are more critical, orderly, introverted and passive-aggressive than other Nines. Because of their concern about matters of right and wrong they’re apt to be involved in peacemaking efforts or other social justice causes. These Nines are principled and modest as leaders, and people want to follow them because of their integrity and steadfastness.
Stress and Security
Stress. In stress Nines start to act like unhealthy Sixes (the Loyalists). They become overcommitted, worried, rigid, wary of others and anxious, even though they don’t know why. These Nines become more self-doubting, which makes decision making even more difficult than usual. Interestingly, they also become reactive—a big departure for a number that is rarely, if ever, quick to react.
Security. When Nines are feeling comfortable and safe in the world they move to the positive side of Three (the Performer), where they are more goal-oriented, decisive, self-confident and in touch with their life’s agenda. Flourishing Nines struggle less with inertia, take command of their lives and believe their presence in the world matters. More importantly, Nines connected to the positive side of Three can experience and enjoy genuine peace and harmony.
Spiritual Transformation
The Nine’s weakness for merging is the dark side of an enviable spiritual gift. But in my mind the spiritual advantages of being a Nine more than make up for the work they have to do in their lives. If the goal of the spiritual life is the realization of union with God, then healthy Nines’ ability to merge gives them a spiritual leg up on the rest of us. When it comes to attaining a unitive knowledge of God and becoming “one with Christ,” healthy Nines almost always cross the finish line first. They’re natural contemplatives.
Nines are open and receptive in every way. Even as kids, they seem to possess an innate awareness of the sacramental dimension of the world. They have a profound awareness of the interconnectedness of all things in creation. Lovers of the outdoors, they pick up on the presence of God in the natural world and how everything expresses God’s glory. Because they value being over doing, Nines know how to rest in God’s love and share themselves more generously than the rest of us. And because Nines are able to see both sides to everything, they’re comfortable with paradox and mystery, which comes in handy when it comes to dealing with a religion that includes a virgin birth and a God who is both Three and One at the same time. If you’re a Nine, be encouraged: when healthy, your capacity for merging can place you in the same league as other great Nine spiritual leaders like Pope Francis and the Dalai Lama.
But Nines resist the unsafe nature of real spiritual transformation. If you’re a Peacemaker, your greatest motivation in life has been to avoid conflict and experience inner harmony, but what looks like peace is really just your desire to be unaffected by life. Spiritually, the absence of conflict is not the presence of peace, which requires work and risk. If nothing else, Nines should hear these words: Wake up and say yes to the adventure of your own life!
Nines are as important and as deserving of becoming their own person as everybody else is. It’s their birthright. Waking up will involve reclaiming personal authority and responsibility for their life. It will mean finding and resurrecting their own thoughts, passions, opinions, dreams, ambitions and desires. This will be scary. They’ll have to stop hiding and drafting behind other people. If Nines love themselves as much as they love other people, they will allow themselves to go on this adventure of becoming their own person. Paradoxically, the road to peace and harmony is littered with conflict and disharmony. Scrupulously avoid anything that promises a life of peace and tranquility without conflict or pain. Whatever it is will probably end you up in rehab.
Nines don’t like to admit it, but they’re angry. I get it. I’d be angry too if I repeatedly felt overlooked. They’re angry for the sacrifices they’ve made to keep the peace and hold relationships together, but when they get the urge to stand up for themselves or act on their own behalf, they don’t do it. Nines are afraid if they let their stored anger out it’s going to hurt or kill someone, but that’s not true. It might lead to conflict, which you can survive, but not homicide. Nines need to know that when they discover right action and move toward it, a feeling of self-worth will emerge in them. And others will notice and cheer them on as well. When this happens, they can stand and build on it so they don’t have to slip away from themselves ever again.
The healing message Nines need to hear is “We see you and your life matters.” God didn’t invite you to this party to live someone else’s life. We need you here!
Ten Paths to Transformation for Nines
- Journal on the question “What is my calling or life’s program? Am I pursuing it or postponing it to keep the peace?”
- Ask someone to help you find a task-management or to-do system to help you stay on task. There are lots of great apps out there just for this purpose.
- Practice saying no when someone asks you to do something you don’t want to.
- Be aware of the numbing strategies you use to avoid having to deal with life, whether that’s a glass of wine or shopping or Girl Scout cookies.
- Don’t be afraid to have opinions and express them. You can start with small things and build up to important ones.
- Resist the urge to fall back on passive-aggressive behaviors like procrastination and avoidance. If you feel angry, be honest and open.
- Understand how important and unique your voice is. People deserve to hear what you think, not have their own views mirrored back to them.
- Remember that what feels like intense, terrible conflict to you might just be a typical disagreement for someone else. Take a breath and engage.
- Realize that your tendency to merge with others can be a beautiful gift if directed toward God. Other types envy this spiritual advantage you have. But don’t fuse with another person and miss out on the chance to become your own person.
- When you feel paralyzed in the face of a decision, consult someone who won’t tell you what to do but rather will help you tease out what you want to do—then do it!