What It’s Like to Be a One
- People have told me I can be overly critical and judgmental.
- I beat myself up when I make mistakes.
- I don’t feel comfortable when I try to relax. There is too much to be done.
- I don’t like it when people ignore or break the rules, like when the person in the fast lane at the grocery store has more items than allowed.
- Details are important to me.
- I often find that I’m comparing myself to others.
- If I say I’ll do it, I’ll do it.
- It is hard for me to let go of resentment.
- I think it is my responsibility to leave the world better than I found it.
- I have a lot of self-discipline.
- I try to be careful and thoughtful about how I spend money.
- It seems to me that things are either right or wrong.
- I spend a lot of time thinking about how I could be a better person.
- Forgiveness is hard for me.
- I notice immediately when things are wrong or out of place.
- I worry a lot.
- I am really disappointed when other people don’t do their part.
- I like routine and don’t readily embrace change.
- I do my best when working on a project, and I wish others would do the same, so I wouldn’t have to redo their work.
- I often feel like I try harder than others to do things correctly.
5
Type One
The Perfectionist
Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people.
Healthy Ones are committed to a life of service and integrity. They are balanced and responsible and able to forgive themselves and others for being imperfect. They are principled but patient with the processes that slowly but surely make the world a better place.
Average Ones have judging and comparing minds that naturally spot errors and imperfections. They struggle to accept that imperfection is inevitable while fearing the tyranny of that critical voice in their head.
Unhealthy Ones fixate on small imperfections. These Ones are obsessed with micromanaging what they can. Asserting control over something or someone is their only relief.
When the teacher turned off the lights and turned on the projector I yawned, folded my arms to form a pillow on my desktop, and lay the side of my face down. As a seventh grader, I had no idea how Gregory Peck’s depiction of Atticus Finch, a widowed father and attorney tasked with defending a falsely accused black man in a small southern town in the 1930s, would silently plant a seed in my heart.
In To Kill a Mockingbird Atticus Finch wears a sensible, perfectly pressed seersucker suit with a pocket watch attached to a chain that he keeps in his vest pocket. He is the exemplar of a wise, measured and attentive father who treats his children with kindness and respect. He’s an idealist, a reformer who feels a sacred duty to uphold the law and to make the world a more decent place for everyone. Imbued with a clear sense of right and wrong, he cannot turn a blind eye to injustice, and he isn’t afraid to take a stand even if it costs him.
When his daughter Scout asks why he would bother defending his client Tom Robinson in a case he has no chance of winning and for which townspeople will revile him, Atticus tells her, “Before I can live with other folks I’ve got to live with myself. The one thing that doesn’t abide by majority rule is a person’s conscience.”
Despite Atticus’s brilliant and impassioned closing argument, Tom Robinson is found guilty by an all-white jury and led away. Downcast, Atticus packs up his briefcase and then slowly begins making his way down the aisle to exit the courtroom. As he does, those seated in the “colored balcony” stand one by one in a gesture of respect for him. When the elderly Reverend Sykes looks down and realizes Scout has neither noticed nor understood the symbolic gravity of the black community’s getting to their feet to honor her father, he whispers down to her, “Miss Jean Louise? . . . Miss Jean Louise, stand up. Your father’s passin.’”
That scene pierced me. Atticus Finch represented everything I wanted in a father but knew I’d never have as the son of a deeply troubled alcoholic. “With him, life was routine; without him, life was unbearable,” Scout said about her father. I would have said the reverse about mine. Twenty years later, after my son was born, I came across an antique pocket watch that stirred my memory of Atticus Finch. I bought it hoping that, when I looked at it, it would remind me of the kind of father I wanted to be.
That’s the effect that Ones like Atticus can have on people. Sometimes their example inspires others to be better, to fight injustice, to embrace high ideals. But the One’s commitment to living an exemplary life can quickly degenerate into a rigid perfectionism that can be tortuous both for Ones and for others.
The One’s Deadly Sin
Ones walk a thin line. When they’re healthy, like Atticus, they inspire us with their concern for fairness and their desire to restore the world to wholeness. But when they tip toward average or unhealthy they can quickly get in their own way.
From the time they get up to the time they lie down, Ones perceive a world rife with errors and feel a bounden duty to correct it. There’s no shortage of work to be done. Someone squeezed the toothpaste tube from the middle, the school secretary misspelled two words in the PTA newsletter, one of the kids didn’t fold and hang their bath towel correctly, there’s a fresh scratch on the car door, and the neighbors left for work leaving their trashcans at the foot of the driveway without the lids on.
What kind of person does that sort of thing?
Ones need to be perfect. They chase perfection because they have this vague, unsettling feeling that if they make a mistake someone is going to jump out to blame, criticize or punish them. They compulsively strive to fix all that’s broken in the world, but the work is never finished. Irritated doesn’t begin to capture how this makes Ones feel at times. That others appear less concerned and interested in joining their crusade to put this world aright infuriates them even more. Why don’t people care as much as I do? Do I have to do everything myself? It’s not fair.
Anger is the deadly sin of Ones, but resentment is truer to their experience.
Ones believe the world judges people who don’t follow the rules, control their emotions, behave appropriately and keep their basic animal instincts in check. For Ones, anger tops the list of feelings “good” people shouldn’t express, so they bury the anger they feel about the imperfections they see in the environment, in others and in themselves. Ones are among the three numbers in the Anger Triad (8, 9, 1). Unlike Eights, who externalize their anger, or Nines, who fall asleep to it, Ones stuff their anger until it sits right below the surface, where it expresses itself to everyone as smoldering resentment.
But something else is fueling Ones’ anger and indignation. Everywhere they look, people are having a grand old time indulging their desires or breaking the “rules” and not getting caught and punished for it, while Ones feel obligated to forgo doing what they want to do in order to do what they should do, namely, order our disordered world. To add insult to injury, they not only end up doing their share but they have to pick up the slack for all the jerks down at the beach drinking beer and playing volleyball when they have fun things they’d like to do as well.
Several years ago on SNL Dana Carvey played a character named Enid Strict, otherwise known as The Church Lady, who hosts a talk show called Church Chat. It’s an over-the-top but iconic portrayal of One personality when it’s in full bloom. If they’re not careful, average Ones can adopt a similar Puritan-like attitude toward the world or, as Mark Twain put it, become “good in the worst sense of the word.”
All About Ones or Perfectionists
Walter is a tax attorney with a prestigious Wall Street accounting firm. When he comes home from work he likes the house to be clean, the kids to be bathed, dinner to be on the table and the world to be rightly ordered. I doubt Walter has ever come right out and told his wife Alice that these are his expectations, but it’s not hard to pick it up in the air when Walter’s around.
One night Walter comes home from work and the house is clean, the kids are bathed, and dinner is on the table. Now you’d think Walter would put his briefcase down and say something nice like, “Wow, this is awesome!” But the first thing Walter does is point at the couch and say, “The cushions are out of place.”
Now, if I came home and said that to my wife Anne, she’d say, “Really? Let me show you where I can place those cushions.”
In defense of Ones, that’s just how they see. Wherever they go, errors and mistakes jump out at them and yell, “Fix me!” And they just can’t leave it alone. They’ll either say something or rearrange the cushions when you’re not looking. What’s important for us to learn as we study the Enneagram is that we can’t change the way we see, only what we do with what we see. Walter has done a lot of work on himself since that unfortunate episode with Alice. If he did something like that today he’d immediately apologize. “I’ve got to keep working on that,” he’d say, laughing. God bless Walter. The Enneagram has helped him come a long way.
Ones have high expectations of others and themselves. For average Ones, controlling their behavior and emotions is a priority. When an “uncivilized” impulse or unacceptable feeling arises, Ones will automatically push it down and bring up its opposite to negate it. In psychology this defense is called reaction formation. An example might be Ones who, when they hear your singing voice, will unconsciously stop their envy from rising to the level of conscious awareness and replace it with enthusiastic praise. At one level this is admirable, but because it is motivated by a self-interested need to not feel bad, the Ones’ thin-lipped smile and kind words can feel forced.
Ones running on cruise control are mercilessly hard on themselves. Some demand perfection be maintained in only one corner of their lives (e.g., the yard, their boat, their office) while others apply it across the board. The house has to be immaculate, the bills paid on time. Thank-you notes need to be written and posted the same day gifts are received. Ones have to keep hard copies of tax returns for five years to avoid being in violation of IRS rules. Let’s not even discuss the agony a poor One endures when they discover their credit score has dipped below 800.
They also impose their high standards on others. “Every Monday I would send our poor minister an email with a list of ‘suggestions’ to help her improve on what I didn’t think worked at the previous morning’s worship service,” a now self-aware One shared at one of our Enneagram workshops. “I recommended better ways she could lead worship songs, tighten up her sermon, or shorten the Communion lines. I always ended with a reminder to begin the service at precisely 10 a.m. unless she wanted people to continue arriving late. Things are different now. My wife says she is proud of how I’m working toward being ‘less helpful,’” he said, laughing.
If you suspect someone’s a One but you’re not sure, watch how they react when they open a dishwasher someone else has loaded. If they cluck their tongue and start reloading it while muttering something like, “Good night, why can’t people do this correctly?” then there’s a better than fifty-fifty chance they’re a One. Sometimes a One won’t let you finish stacking the dishwasher before they jump in to “help.” They’ll lean on the counter while you’re loading it and say “eh-eh” when you place a mug where they think a bowl should go.
Most people can’t endure being judged and harassed for too long by someone who has pinned a star to their shirt and elected themselves the kitchen sheriff. Eventually the harangued throw their hands in the air and storm out of the kitchen saying, “Is nothing ever good enough for you?”
I get it. As far as I’m concerned, if all the dishes fit and a little water hits most of them, who cares if they’re perfectly arranged? What most people don’t understand is that Ones don’t think they’re being critical. In their mind they’re trying to help you! They think they’re improving you! Doesn’t everyone want to improve themselves like they do?
Not all Ones are fixated on flaws in the environment. Some Ones I know couldn’t care less whether their house is a mess or when they see someone not picking up after their dog. Their need to be good and improve things expresses itself through their concern and commitment to addressing social ills. The activist and legendary consumer protector Ralph Nader is a One. You don’t want to mess with that dude or any One who gets involved with efforts to put an end to wrongs like sex trafficking, corrupt politicians or companies polluting the environment. One of the reason Ones are attracted to supporting righteous causes is because it’s not only okay but appropriate to openly express anger about injustice without feeling like you’re being a bad girl or boy.
Because they believe they occupy the superior moral, ethical and spiritual high ground, Ones believe their way is the only right way of seeing and doing things and therefore feel justified in being judgmental and critical of others. They’re usually not trying to come off that way, though. “People tell me my voice and body language come off as shaming and judgmental even when I’m consciously trying to sound kind,” my friend Janet says. That the One’s talk style is preaching doesn’t help. No one likes to feel like someone is talking down to them.
All of us have a reproachful voice that gets triggered from time to time when we do something stupid and then goes away. As a rule Ones have a merciless inner critic; unlike ours, it never goes away. It’s punishing. It’s relentless. Why do you always put your foot in your mouth? What kind of parent forgets to pack his kid’s lunch in her school bag? How do you expect to make a sale when you can’t even tie a proper knot in your tie? Get down and give me fifty!
Heck, sometimes a One’s inner critic will blame them for screwing up things they weren’t even involved with or responsible for. After years of programming it’s hard for Ones to shut off that cruel voice.
Ones caught in the trance of their personality believe not only that their belittling inner critic speaks ex cathedra but that it actually has their best interests at heart. How would I have progressed this far in life without that voice harshly reminding me of what I was doing wrong or to prevent me from lowering my standards? If it weren’t for my inner critic always pointing out my deficiencies, how would I know how to live beyond reproach? Think of how many more mistakes I would have made without it!
“What is this self inside us, this silent observer,
Severe and speechless critic, who can terrorize us?”
T. S. Eliot
Ones are terrified of making a mistake. Ones work themselves way too hard, and because there’s so much to get done they don’t often relax or let themselves have fun. As a result, they become pressure cookers whose regulator valves can’t keep up with the buildup of resentment they feel toward the imperfections they see everywhere; the resentment they harbor toward themselves and others for failing to adhere to their high standards and for not helping out; and their outsized fear of making mistakes or acting inappropriately. It’s quite a surprise when a normally very controlled and tightly buttoned-up One blows a valve. When it happens someone almost always gets burned.
No matter how you look at it, the One’s crusade to perfect the world is a fool’s errand. There’s always an unmade bed in it somewhere. Until they begin a spiritual journey they’ll never know a minute’s peace.
Given the stream of negative self-commentary their inner critic levels at them all day, Ones don’t receive criticism well. Would you express gratitude to a fellow writer who pointed out your failure to insert a comma after an introductory phrase if the finger-wagging carper living in your head had already been comparing your grammar to fetid effluvium from the moment you started work at 3:00 a.m.? Please, people, one mugging at a time.
Though very sensitive to criticism themselves, Ones are shocked when you tell them you feel like they’re being harshly critical of you. Seriously? You’re only being given a thimble-sized sample of the bitter self-recrimination they drink from every day.
Ones can be critical and judgmental of other people. The unaware One will criticize people for failing to live up to their standard of perfection and also because misery loves company. It brings Ones a sense of relief if they can catch and criticize someone else for doing something incorrectly or behaving improperly because it levels the playing field: Thank goodness! Someone besides me is deficient. Of course, taking pleasure in someone else’s shortcomings is a kooky way to tie the score, but it beats feeling like you’re the only one who ever makes mistakes on the field. That’s a lonely position.
Ones get the job done. So those are some of the challenges that come with Ones. But can you imagine a world without them? If it weren’t for Steve Jobs’s uncompromising passion for creating flawlessly designed products, there would be no Apple. If it weren’t for high-minded leaders like Mahatma Gandhi and Nelson Mandela who couldn’t abide injustice, India and South Africa might still be under the oppressive yoke of European colonialism. If it weren’t for spiritual teachers like Richard Rohr, we wouldn’t have as clear a picture of the loving heart of God.
Since Ones live in a world riddled with mistakes, they keep a running list of things that need doing. Some are so thoughtful and generous that they make lists of things for you to do as well. Come Saturday morning the spouse of a One can expect to find a honey-do list on the kitchen counter long enough to keep them busy for an entire summer and into deer-hunting season.
Many Ones value etiquette (for example, think of Martha Stewart) and know how to host a great dinner party. Their homes are normally spotless and thoughtfully decorated. Because they want you to have a perfect time, they’ll cook a beautiful meal and they’ll be prepared to introduce great topics for table conversation. Recently someone told me that while sitting vigil at his mother’s deathbed she repeatedly asked him if the house was tidy and if he was using the good china to serve coffee to the family members who were gathered downstairs awaiting news of her passing. Talk about a good host.
Ones want to be good people. They always want to do the right thing. How would you react if you were sitting in a bus station when a mentally ill person walked in and announced, “I’m homeless, I haven’t eaten for days, and I need help”? Regardless of what anyone else would do or what they themselves would want to do, Ones would believe it was their responsibility to make sure the person received proper care. Why? That’s the correct, responsible and right thing to do. We should all expect this of ourselves.
Ones believe that every task should be done in a systematic and correct fashion. When they read the directions to assemble a recently purchased grill—and those directions say not to do anything until you make sure you have all the necessary parts—Ones actually set out all the screws, nuts and bolts and count them. Then they double-check.
If by chance one of the four plastic cups that fit on the end of each leg is missing, Ones will say to their spouse, “We can’t put this thing together tonight. We’re short one piece.”
Now, if the spouse is a Nine he or she might say, “Don’t worry about it; we can get a pack of matches and put it under that leg to keep the grill level.”
True Ones will respond firmly, “Not on my watch,” and then will call the 800 number to ask for the missing black cap to be shipped ASAP so every step will have been followed correctly. The reason Ones won’t settle for a jerry-rigged grill is they know that every time they look at it the only thing they’ll see is that one missing black leg cap. (Ones break out in hives at our house. We’ve got packs of matches keeping the place level on the foundation.)
“Have no fear of perfection—you’ll never reach it.”
Salvador Dali
Ones as Children
Growing up, Ones try to be model kids. They know the rules and follow them to the letter. They spend lots of energy comparing themselves to other kids, so a conversation during the ride home from school will include a little bit about themselves, but it will mostly be about comparing themselves to other children and their successes, failures and mishaps. Think of eleven-year-old Hermione Granger getting on the train to Hogwarts and immediately comparing notes about what spells the other kids could do and whether they had read Hogwarts: A History. This comparing and judging mind remains with Ones their entire lives.
That inner critic makes its presence known early, so Ones are hard on themselves. They sometimes shy away from sports or other group activities where they may not excel, since perfection is the goal at a very early age. They ask lots of questions about whether they’re doing things right, and they take responsibility for things that aren’t their fault. It’s hard for children to figure out right from wrong, but these kids sure try.
While Ones aren’t great multitaskers (it’s hard to do more than one thing perfectly at a time), they don’t usually mind when they are asked to pick up toys, straighten their bed or tie their shoes. Neatness and order are comforting to Ones even when they’re small. It makes them feel safe and less anxious.
Have you seen or read Marie Kondo’s book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up? Whoa. Starting when the professional organizer was five years old, she would browse longingly through magazines showing perfect meals and lovely interior design. So she started reorganizing her family’s belongings at home and the teacher’s things at school, skipping recess in order to rearrange the bookshelves in her classroom. All the while she would complain about the school’s poor storage methods. “If only there was an S-hook, it would be so much easier to use,” she would sigh. I’ll bet you dinner at my favorite rib house in Nashville that Marie Kondo is a One.
Listen, it’s hard being a perfectionist. So hard, in fact, that someone wrote and published an children’s book titled Nobody’s Perfect: A Story for Children About Perfectionism to help these little people before their inner critic permanently sets up shop in their heads. The wounding message little Ones pick up is that they have to be “good” and do things “right.” Mistakes are unacceptable. People and things are either perfect or wrong. Period.
One kids need to be told that making mistakes is normal, that they can be imperfect and loved at the same time. They can develop into the healthy side of One more naturally if they are given the healing message that mistakes are just part of the process of learning and growing up. If you’re parenting a One, make sure you correct them when no one else is around so as not to shame them in front of others. These kids may seem confident all the time, but they are more thin-skinned than you might think.
Ones in Relationships
To form intimate relationships or deep friendships, Ones first have to overcome the difficulty they have making themselves vulnerable to others. Author Brené Brown calls perfectionism a “20-ton shield” we use to defend ourselves against being hurt. Unfortunately, what perfectionism really does is defend us against connecting with others.
For Ones, putting down the shield will require relinquishing their need to keep their emotions tightly buttoned up all the time. They’ll also need to acknowledge their fear of making mistakes, their sensitivity to criticism, and their concern about saying or doing the wrong things. It takes a lot of courage for Ones to be this transparent, but they can do it.
I once heard Helen Palmer say something to the effect that Ones don’t throw a lot of hugs around or gush “I love you” every five minutes, but that doesn’t mean they don’t. Ones say I love you by being responsible and doing what’s expected of them to make the world a better, more secure place for you. They will make sure you always get your annual physical. They’ll make life work on a budget, and every meal they cook for you will be the right portion size, and contain the right combination of proteins, fats and carbohydrates.
What, you wanted more hugs? Remember how, after that hurricane, yours was the only house in the neighborhood with power and heat because years earlier your One dad bought a backup generator and regularly checked to make sure it was properly serviced and fueled? Sounds like a hug to me.
Ones at Work
No one cares more about details than Ones, so there are certain career paths we want them to pursue.
I flew from Los Angeles to Sydney, Australia, last year on an Airbus A380, the largest plane in the world. I’m usually not a nervous flyer, but the size of this plane spooked me. How could something so huge possibly get off the ground, let alone stay in the air for sixteen hours?
Prior to departure the co-captain took a stroll through the cabin welcoming passengers aboard, and he happened to notice I had a book about the Enneagram on my lap.
“My wife’s into the Enneagram,” he said, pointing at the book. “She says I’m a One, whatever that means.”
“It means I have nothing to be nervous about,” I said, breathing a sigh of relief.
Because they believe that tasks should be carried out methodically and that it’s important to follow procedures and protocols, you not only want Ones to pilot your plane, you also want them to be the engineer who designs the brake system on your car, the pharmacist who fills your prescriptions, the programmer writing the code for your company’s new website, the architect drawing up plans for your dream house, the accountant preparing your taxes and the editor combing through your latest book. And though I pray you never need one, you for sure want your cardiologist or neurosurgeon to be a One as well. Ones make top-notch lawyers, judges, politicians, military personnel, law enforcement officers and, of course, teachers.
Industrious, reliable and well organized, Ones thrive in structured environments where they know what the deadlines are and who is responsible for what tasks. Because they’re afraid of making mistakes, Ones need regular feedback and encouragement. They so appreciate clear guidelines they might take the 800-page HR manual home on the first day at their new job and read it from cover to cover. They won’t argue when they’re docked a day’s wages for showing up late to a job site so long as everyone else who showed up late receives the same penalty.
Ones are great at sizing up what’s not working inside a company or organization and devising new systems and procedures to get it running right again. A major state university hired a One friend of mine to overhaul its health and benefits department. In three years she transformed it from the most poorly run office on campus into a department that was so efficient other universities sent their benefits people to model their own departments after its example.
But there can also be problems with Ones in the workplace, like their tendency to procrastinate. It’s not a good sign if you spy a One tapping the eraser end of a pencil on her knee while staring blankly into a dark computer screen. Though they’re self-disciplined and driven to succeed, some Ones can put off starting or completing a project for fear they won’t do it perfectly. The occasional bout of procrastination, compounded by their hesitation to make quick decisions for fear of making a mistake, can slow things down for a whole team. This same fear of making mistakes will lead Ones to check and recheck their work forever, so others might have to encourage them to let it go and move on to the next task.
Ones typically have trouble adapting to change, resent being interrupted when working on a project and globalize problems; they think if one part of the business is tanking, then the whole business is going under. If they discover a flaw in a business plan, they worry the whole plan is flawed and might need a major or complete overhaul.
Because they’re afraid of criticism or failure Ones will quickly disavow responsibility when something goes wrong. It’s not unusual to hear a One say, “It wasn’t my fault” or “Don’t blame me; I didn’t do it.”
As leaders, Ones work hard to support people who work for them, particularly those who demonstrate a real desire to improve. At times, however, Ones can be controlling, rigid and stingy with praise even when it’s deserved. They also can have difficulty delegating because of concern that a task won’t be done correctly unless they do it themselves. Some Ones will annoy their coworkers to no end by redoing all sorts of tasks they think others have failed to do right the first time. Ones who extend their barrage of self-criticism to their colleagues are not generally the most popular people at the water cooler.
Finally, Ones at work—just like Ones in other areas of life—struggle with naming and owning their anger. If you work with a One, you need to know that when they start ranting with a disproportionate amount of angry energy about something, like the jerk who took their parking space, that’s probably not what they’re angry about. Their anger is about a tiff they had with their spouse that morning that they’ve worked hard to stuff and not acknowledge all day, and now it’s leaking out sideways. If you listen, gently ask clarifying questions and give them enough space, Ones will eventually be able to trace a line back to what it is that actually made them angry. They need a little help to figure out what’s really going on with them.
But here’s one of the things I love about Ones. When healthy they are deeply committed to helping others become their absolute best. They no longer seek to perfect the other person but to help them self-actualize without shaming or scolding. My friend Melanie, an Episcopal priest and mature One, says, “In all the work I have done, I have always enjoyed every opportunity I have had to build people up by affirming their hard work and talents. This is one of the greatest gifts in my ministry. Jesus calls us to share in God’s mission. Paul calls us to share in building up the church. As a minister this invites me into the delight and joy of encouraging people to bring their best to God and to work with people to discern what gifts of the spirit God has given him for the realization of the kingdom.” I can’t tell you how helpful it would have been if I’d had a spiritually well-put-together One mentor me when I was a young man.
That said, if you want someone who is efficient, ethical, meticulous, reliable and does the work of two people, then hire a One!
Wings
Ones with a Two wing (1w2). Ones with a Two wing are more extroverted, warm, helpful and empathetic on the high side of Two, but they can be more critical and controlling on the low side of Two. They are effective in problem solving for both individuals and groups. They are generous in their response to church, education, community, government and family. Ones with a Two wing talk too much and try to accomplish too many tasks in a day.
Ones with a Two wing tend to have a more rapid pace of speech, and because of it they quickly transition from teaching to preaching. Under the influence of Two, Ones will more readily sense other people’s needs. Unlike Twos, however, they don’t feel an irrepressible urge to meet those needs.
Ones with a Nine wing (1w9). Ones with a Nine wing tend to be more introverted, detached and relaxed. More idealistic and objective, they are often more circumspect, thinking before they speak to avoid saying something wrong or erroneous. They will pause before finishing a thought. Ones with a Nine wing are outwardly more calm and mull over decisions for a long time—this wing exacerbates rather than helps the One with procrastination.
The laid-back, easygoing stance of 1w9s helps in building and maintaining relationships. Without the influence of the Nine, Ones tend to have too many expectations for others, so when they feel let down, the result is often resentment.
“The thing that is really hard and really amazing is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”
Anna Quindlen
Stress and Security
Stress. In stress Ones instinctively take on the not-so-great qualities we’d expect to see in unhealthy Fours (the Individualists). Their inner critic begins working overtime, and their need to perfect the world goes into overdrive. They become more resentful of others having fun, more sensitive to criticism, and depressed. In this space they long to be free of obligations and responsibilities, lose confidence, and feel unlovable.
Security. In security Ones take on the great qualities we associate with healthy Sevens (the Enthusiasts), where they’re more self-accepting, spontaneous, fun, open to trying new things and being both/and rather than either/or. Here the voice of their inner critic gets quieter, they’re not as hard on themselves, and they shift their attention from what’s wrong about the world to what’s good and right about it. This move to Seven in security often happens when Ones are away from home and feel less responsible for improving or fixing things. Ones can become entirely different people when they go somewhere for a week of fun in the sun.
Spiritual Transformation
If you’re a One, you believe the only way you’ll know peace on the inside is if you perfect everything on the outside. It’s not true. That tranquility only comes when you surrender your compulsive need for perfection and stop stifling your emotions, particularly your anger. Don’t hide your true self behind that veneer of perceived perfection. A person does not need to be perfect to be good. That’s worth repeating several times a day until it gets deep down into your marrow.
“And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.”
John Steinbeck
Ones’ journey toward wholeness will have to include befriending their inner critic. As our One friend Richard Rohr says, “What you resist, persists”—which in this case means that Ones shouldn’t bother telling their inner critic to shut up as it only gives it more power. Many Ones say it helps to give the critic a funny name so when it goes on the attack they can say something to it like, “Cruella, thanks for helping me navigate the world as a kid, but as an adult I don’t need your help anymore.” Or Ones might simply laugh and tell Nurse Ratched to turn down the volume.
Ones do well to remember there’s more than one right way of doing things. Serenity means live and let live. Life isn’t always either-or, black or white, right or left. Brené Brown sums up the healing message Ones need to hear: “You’re imperfect, and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.” It’s so often quoted it’s threadbare, but I can’t resist mentioning the chorus to Leonard Cohen’s song “Anthem”; it was written for Ones:
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.
Ten Paths to Transformation for Ones
- To awaken self-compassion, try to capture in a journal the typical things your inner critic says to you and then read them aloud.
- When your inner critic activates, smile and tell it you hear it and appreciate how it’s trying to help you improve or avoid making mistakes, but you’re taking a new path to self-acceptance in life.
- Resist the urge to give other people to-do lists or to redo their tasks if you think they haven’t met your standards. Instead, catch the people you love doing things right—and tell them how much you appreciate them for it.
- When you are ready to dive right in to correct an injustice or right a wrong, first ask yourself whether the passion you feel for that issue is really misplaced anger about something else.
- Let your Seven and Nine friends help you learn how to relax and have fun. The work will still be there tomorrow.
- If you find yourself procrastinating, think about the reason why. Are you reluctant to get going on a task or project because you’re afraid you won’t be able to accomplish it perfectly?
- Pick up a hobby you enjoy but are not especially good at doing—and just do it for the love of it.
- Forgive yourself and others for mistakes. Everyone makes them.
- See whether you can catch yourself measuring yourself against others to see who does a better job, works harder or meets your definition of success.
- Be aware of how you receive criticism from others, and try to accept it without being defensive.