What It’s Like to Be a Three
- It’s important for me to come across as a winner.
- I love walking in a room and knowing I’m making a great first impression on the crowd.
- I could persuade Bill Gates to buy a Mac.
- The keys to my happiness are efficiency, productivity and being acknowledged as the best.
- I don’t like it when people slow me down.
- I know how to airbrush failure so it looks like success.
- I’d rather lead than follow any day.
- I am competitive to a fault.
- I can find a way to win over and connect with just about anyone.
- I’m a world-champion multitasker.
- I keep a close watch on how people are responding to me in the moment.
- It’s hard for me to not take work along on vacation.
- It’s hard for me to name or access my feelings.
- I’m not one to talk much about my personal life.
- Sometimes I feel like a phony.
- I love setting and accomplishing measurable goals.
- I like other people to know about my accomplishments.
- I like to be seen in the company of successful people.
- I don’t mind cutting corners if it gets the job done more efficiently.
- People say I don’t know how or when to stop working.
7
Type Three
The Performer
The real question is, can you love the real me? . . . Not that image you had of me, but who I really am.
Healthy Threes have transcended the goal of merely looking good and are moving toward being known and loved for who they are, not for what they accomplish. They still love to set goals, rise to challenges and solve problems, but their self-worth is not tied to these things. They try to balance their abundant energy between work, rest and some kind of contemplative practice, recognizing the importance of being instead of doing. They feel valuable, which unleashes a tender benevolence that is focused on the common good.
Average Threes push achieving to overachieving, spending too much time at work or the gym. Highly driven, their need to perform even extends to the time they spend coaching the children’s soccer team or volunteering at church. They see love as something to be earned, so they quiet their inner convictions, valuing what others define as success and striving to do more and do it better. They are confident in their abilities but also image conscious, constantly worrying that a poor performance will cause them to lose standing in other people’s eyes.
Unhealthy Threes find failure unacceptable, which renders them unable to admit mistakes and causes them to behave as though they are superior to others. Desperate for attention, these Threes may turn the deadly sin of self-deceit into the sin of intentional deceit, telling others fabricated stories about themselves and their accomplishments in order to maintain their image. At their worst, unhealthy Threes can be petty, mean and vengeful.
I grew up in Greenwich, Connecticut, home to many of the most successful hedge fund managers, venture capitalists and investment bankers in the world. There are more Threes who live in Greenwich than child actors in rehab. Chief among them was my father.
Like all Threes, my father believed he could only be loved by being or appearing to be successful, avoiding failure at all costs and matching his image to please a crowd. For a number of years he had a glamorous, high-visibility career in film and television as managing director of Columbia Screen Gems Motion Pictures in Europe and the Middle East until at age forty he lost everything through a series of terrible personal and professional decisions. In regard to his career my dad was a failure, but you’d never have known it from looking at him or listening to him.
Even when our family was financially on the ropes my father continued buying handmade suits from Jermyn Street in London, drove a pricey (albeit secondhand) British sports car and managed to be the only person I know who could pull off wearing a cravat. He’d tell people stories about how Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner performed comedy sketches in our living room when we lived in London; about going on safaris with William Holden; and how the actor Roger Moore, who played James Bond, had my father to thank for his career. Every story was “true” but embellished, and he made it sound like they’d all happened in the last month, not a decade earlier.
My dad believed well-heeled Greenwich folks only really value people who are accomplished, wealthy, sophisticated and well connected, so he morphed into “that guy” to win their admiration.
But my dad’s talent for projecting the perfect image to impress a crowd wasn’t limited to high-society Greenwich types. He could do it anywhere with anyone. Here’s how it worked: when my dad arrived at a party the first thing he did was read the room. He wanted to know the general makeup of the crowd—who was there, what their preferences, values and expectations were—as if trying to answer the questions, What persona do I need to craft and put on to win these people’s approval? Who do they want me to become before they’ll love and admire me? Once he knew the answer to those questions (which took all of thirty seconds), he performed an instant makeover and became “that guy.” Seriously, I once witnessed my dad walk into a group of car mechanics standing around a service station garage, and before you could say “carburetor” he’d picked up on their mannerisms, talk style, mood and general demeanor. My dad didn’t know the difference between a muffler and a glove compartment, but by the time we left, those mechanics thought he could’ve been the host of NPR’s Car Talk.
The Three’s Deadly Sin
I wouldn’t blame you if after reading these stories you pegged my dad as a poseur. But would you feel more compassion toward him if you knew he created and projected his shimmering image of success and achievement as defined by whatever crowd he was with because he believed that being, or at least looking, successful was the only way he could prove his worth and win love? Would your heart warm toward him if you knew that from the time he was a boy he thought he had to constantly craft his image to win other people’s approval until eventually he couldn’t tell the difference between his fake image and his authentic self anymore?
This is the Performer’s snare.
According to the Enneagram, the deadly sin of the Performer is deceit—not because they deceive others as much as because they deceive themselves. As Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote, “No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true.”
In crafting a persona that will impress and perhaps even help them form relationships with high-influence people who can help them get ahead socially or professionally, Threes lose touch with who they authentically are. In time they so overidentify with their glittering persona that their true self gets lost in the performance. They, along with everyone else, are fooled into believing their false image is who they really are.
The strategy of projecting a false image to meet an unmet need is not unique to Threes. All of the numbers in the Feeling or Heart Triad (2, 3, 4) reject the idea that they can be seen for who they are and unconditionally loved, so they abandon their true selves to inhabit roles. Twos throw up a chirpy, likable image they can change in a heartbeat to please who they’re with; Fours (spoiler alert!) project an image of uniqueness for reasons you’ll learn about shortly; and Threes cast an image of success and achievement to win admiration.
Immature Threes need to win and make it look easy. For them, taking second place is a patronizing euphemism for being the first loser. Whether they’re in the classroom, on the athletic field, on a trading floor, on a stage, pastoring a megachurch, in the boardroom or serving the poor, Threes have to be the star. Because Threes grow up believing the world only values people for what they do rather than for who they are, becoming king or queen of the hill is a matter of life or death. Confusing success for love, Threes who lack self-awareness have to ace every test, close every deal, deliver a sermon that rivals the “I Have a Dream” speech every Sunday and break every corporate sales record. Life is all about racking up accomplishments that garner applause.
Threes are shape shifters who can switch personas to match the environment. “Threes don’t have one persona, we are Legion,” a pastor and now spiritually self-aware Three once half-joked with me. At a recent workshop a sharply dressed woman came up during a break after a talk on Threes and confessed, “My business partner swears she can hear the sound of my ‘audience analysis software’ launching in my brain when we walk into a room full of potential clients. Before the introductions are over I know exactly who I have to become to close the deal.”
“I like changing personalities.”
Mick Jagger
Unaware Threes are social chameleons. As you can imagine, however, their ability to create and project the image to make the sale or get the girl or guy can leave them wondering who their authentic self is. Once in a blue moon, when Threes slow down long enough to reflect on their lives, they might feel like they’re a fraud. I wear a thousand masks, but which is the authentic me? When this flash of insight comes to them it surfaces a Three’s worst fear: What if there’s no one behind the image? What if I’m no more than an empty suit?
Unless Threes have a wise spiritual adviser who helps them stay with that feeling of emptiness long enough to give their authentic self a chance to emerge, they will panic and retreat behind their persona again, this time redoubling their efforts to succeed and impress in order to mask their emptiness. More often than not it takes a fall on the scale of a Greek tragedy before a Three wakes up and realizes that “To thine own self be true” is a better life motto than “Image is everything.”
All About Threes or Performers
There’s a lot to love about healthy Threes. They are optimistic, resilient people with audacious dreams who inspire others. When they’re spiritually healthy and self-aware they have nothing to prove. They want to talk about your dreams and celebrate your accomplishments rather than flaunt their own achievements or sell you a line. There’s not a hint of falseness about an evolved Three. They’re no longer terrified of failure, and they share openly about what they’ve learned from their mistakes. They’re generous and wise, and often volunteer their considerable skills to helping organizations be more effective at achieving their mission.
“Image is everything.”
Andre Agassi
Yet there is a sad restlessness for unhealthy Threes—always striving, always keeping an eye out for advancement. Politically savvy and dressed to kill, they’re somehow always working a crowd as if asking, “How’m I doin’?” Some Threes get squirrelly when they have too much downtime in one place, so they need activity-based vacations like a scuba-diving trip or a bike trip across France, and good luck convincing them not to bring a briefcase full of work along with them. As Hurley and Donson note, sometimes Threes will pretend to be interested in conversations with people when they’re not. If they know you’re not “a player” or think you’re not interesting enough, they will smile and nod like they’re hanging on your every word when they’re actually making a real estate deal or producing a record in their head or periodically glancing over your shoulder to see who and where the real players in the room are.
Recently Suzanne and I spoke at a conference where the audience was full of very successful men and women. One night a corporate lawyer in his mid-sixties named David shared with the group how he had once believed life was all about what you owned, who you knew and how good you looked, until at age fifty he had a “meet Jesus” crisis that brought him face-to-face with himself. “I’ve put a lot of effort into knowing and becoming my true self,” David said, touching his hand to his heart. “Today I think far less about working and winning and more about ‘David-ing.’”
David is a highly evolved Three. He no longer believes he has to work eighty-hour weeks and be widely acknowledged as the best at everything he does to be loved. In general, Threes have more difficulty recognizing and connecting to their feelings than any other number on the Enneagram. Not only do they not pick up on their own feelings, they won’t pick up on yours very well either. Remember how we saw in the last chapter that Twos may be clueless about their own emotions but can zero in to yours with the accuracy of Doppler radar? Threes are just plain in the dark about feelings—their own and yours as well.
Threes do feelings more than have feelings. Because they can’t access or recognize their feelings very well, Threes will unconsciously observe how other people are expressing their emotions and copy them. What gives away the fact that they aren’t actually connecting to the sorrow they’re visibly expressing at a funeral by looking sad is that they can be thinking about an unfinished work project at the same time.
Threes can mask and postpone feelings so they won’t blow their “I have it all together” cover. In the moment, they can be feeling depressed, angry or scared and maintain their upbeat, confident poker face. At the end of the day, Threes care most about efficiency and completing a task. Feelings are messy, and they slow your progress toward your goal, so Threes don’t spend too much time on them.
According to Riso and Hudson, the message Threes picked up in childhood is that it’s not okay to have your own identity or feelings. As kids, Threes felt they needed to set aside their true selves to become the perfect prototype of whatever sort of person the important people in their lives associated with success. I once said to a Three in his spiritual journey, “How much you must have loved your father that you left your true self behind to please him.” The man wept, as if relieved to know that love, not emptiness, lay behind his mask.
Here’s a question: What would incentivize Threes to change in a culture that applauds and rewards them for embodying our cultural definition of success? America is a Three country! Countless numbers of us look at Threes and think, Man, I wish I were him or her. I say this because we are all complicit in perpetuating a world that encourages these wonderful folks to continue living in service to a lie. It’s wrong of us to ask Threes to use their gifts to help grow our companies or raise money for our church’s capital campaign—especially since when we’re done using them, we turn around and criticize them behind their backs for being inauthentic or narcissistic. This is one reason Suzanne and I love the Enneagram. Doesn’t knowing the worldview and motivation that drives a Three’s personality help awaken in our hearts some compassion for their, and hopefully every other, number’s plight?
We’re awestruck when we meet a Three who is evolving spiritually despite having to get up every day and swim against the riptide of our success-oriented, image-obsessed culture. And there are plenty of these good people around doing the work of becoming themselves. They’re saints in the making.
Threes as Children
Early in life Threes pick up the wounding message “You are what you do.” As a result they become high-performance achievement machines, striving to excel and be acknowledged for their accomplishments because they constitute the basis of their identity. If they sense their parents or culture prize academic achievement above all else, they’ll set their sights on going to Harvard while they’re still in middle school. Likewise, if Threes grow up in a culture or family where climbing the ranks of the Mafia to become a don represents ultimate success, then that will become their life’s goal. Strange, I know, but it’s contextual.
“Our deepest calling is to grow into our own authentic selfhood, whether or not it conforms to some image of who we ought to be.”
Parker Palmer
The saddest thing of all is how a Three will conform to their family’s or culture’s preferred image even if it means having to become someone who bears no resemblance to who they truly are or doing things that go against their nature. Tennis player Andre Agassi has a story like this. In 1991, Agassi appeared in a television ad for a camera called the Canon Rebel. In the commercial the cocky, fashionably attired super-athlete steps out of a white Lamborghini, casts an insouciant gaze toward the camera, lowers his Ray-Bans halfway down his nose and declares, “Image is everything.” Oh, to be young and Three!
In his memoir, Open, Agassi describes growing up with a father whose love for him was tied to his performance on the court. Agassi shocked the world when in his book he publicly confessed for the first time that he had hated playing tennis from the time he first picked up a racket to the day he retired. What drove him to become a champion wasn’t a passion for the game but his desire to win the heart of a father whom he describes as unable to “tell the difference between loving me and loving tennis.” Other Threes describe growing up in homes where they worried that parents, peers or coaches would overlook or forget them if they didn’t bring home extraordinary grades or trophies.
My friend Allen’s parents grew up dirt poor. Growing up they repeatedly told Allen and his twin brother, “We want you to do more with your lives than we did with ours.” Early on, when both kids began bringing home straight A’s and excelling at basketball, Allen’s mom and dad became so ecstatic and heaped so much praise on them that they felt they had no choice but to keep it up.
“My parents are great, and they loved us more than anything in the world,” Allen says now. “They just had no idea how much pressure they were putting on us to succeed. It would break their hearts if they knew we grew up unconsciously believing their love for us was conditioned on our kicking ass at everything we did and how scared we were of disappointing them. They never once said, ‘We’ll only love you if you succeed!’ But we were kids, and that’s what we unconsciously heard.” Sadly, the unlived lives of parents sometimes push their children toward destinies not of their own choosing.
Kids who are Threes wake up in the morning with a plan for their day. Socially aware, they know what they’re going to wear to school and who they’ll sit with at lunch. They know who the cool kids are and may go against their own feelings or wishes in order to be accepted in their circle. These kids come tricked out with all the onboard equipment they need to achieve and succeed.
They try to do the things that are valued by the people around them, and they take it hard when they fail. They are focused and naturally competitive because they believe they are loved for their achievements. These are the kids who want to stand out. And they do.
Threes in Relationships
As the number least in touch with their feelings on the Enneagram, it only makes sense that Threes would have things to work out in the relationship department.
As part of their larger self-marketing campaign, spiritually unaware Threes will want to project the image of the perfect family to the outside world, but keeping up appearances can exhaust their partners and kids. Out of touch with their feelings and eager to make the right impression, Threes can consciously or unconsciously act the role of the quintessential devoted parent and spouse. Other Threes on autopilot can unconsciously view their partner or their relationship with them like an action item on their task-management list. Those people can become one of the many projects they’re working on at any given time. For instance, you might hear Threes talk about how they and their partner sit down once a year to set spiritual, financial, physical or social goals for their marriage or relationship or to discuss ways in which they can make the day-to-day management of the family more efficient or productive. Clearly being intentional about relationships is admirable, so long as they remain spiritual unions we cultivate, not business partnerships we manage.
Without exception, the relationships of spiritually unevolved Threes suffer because they’re almost all workaholics. They have so many projects running and so many goals to achieve they can’t give their undivided attention to people they love. As Helen Palmer remarks, a “Three’s heart is in their work,” so whatever feelings they have are used toward accomplishing a goal or task, and there’s not much left over for other people.
Threes have a supernatural talent for multitasking. They can simultaneously juggle driving, closing a multimillion-dollar deal on their cell phone, eating a sandwich, listening to an audiobook version of David Allen’s bestseller Getting Things Done, and conversing with their spouse about a problem one of the kids is having at school. It’s not merely impressive, it’s Cirque du Soleil impressive, unless you’re their partner, child or friend who feels devalued and less important than the Three’s ambitions.
Because Threes alter their appearance to win over different types of people, they keep their circles of friends separate from one another. If they threw a party and mistakenly invited all their friends from the different spheres of their lives they’d lose their minds—no one can change hats that fast.
Threes prize friendships that are free and undemanding. Life is all about getting things done, so Threes steer away from high-maintenance, complicated or demanding friendships that take time and energy away from accomplishing goals.
The defensive strategy of Threes is identification. Threes defend themselves against harm by completely immersing themselves in the task they’re performing, or equating their identity with their title and the institutions for which they work. Because of this, Threes will defend their firm’s reputation or the crazy number of hours they spend at the office to the death.
As Richard Rohr observes, the saddest number on the Enneagram is an unsuccessful Three, one whose ambitions were greater than their talent. I would add that it’s heartbreaking to meet Threes in the second half of life who never woke up to their own game. It’s a terrible thing to be seated next to a seventy-year-old guy at a dinner party who is still dropping names, telling you where he went to college or boasting about how young he was when he made partner and how much money he cashed out with at retirement.
Threes at Work
If it’s not clear already, Threes feel most in their element at work. More than any other type, they crave achievement and recognition, and for most adults that means killing it at their job. For Threes who don’t work outside the home, like stay-at-home parents, their natural tendency to hunt for external validation can emerge in other ways, such as comparing notes about whose kids figured out potty training in utero and were accepted early decision to Princeton while they were still in pre-K.
“Work is more fun than fun!”
Noel Coward
Choosing success over substance, Threes are revered in America. They’re avatars of an American ideal—the smart, charismatic, ambitious, type-A man or woman. But be careful. There’s a fine line between a type and a stereotype. Some folks think all Threes are like the character Don Draper from the AMC series Mad Men. Could a Three who isn’t spiritually mature become a success-crazed, image-obsessed high achiever who charms and claws his or her way up to the top of the corporate food chain, or a smile-flashing, glad-handing candidate stumping for votes at a state fair? Sure, but those are more stereotypes—widely held, formulaic caricatures of a particular kind of person. Threes are people, not clichés. Like all of us, they’re complicated, and they come in an infinite variety of shades and tones. They’re not all CEOS or celebrities, nor do they aspire to be. They show up in almost every profession, from music to the mission field. They can be anyone from David Bowie to Dorothy Day, the founder of the Catholic Worker Movement. But they all believe the same lie: you’re only as loved as your last success.
As a university professor friend of mine once told me, “Come listen in to the conversations that take place between professors at a faculty meeting at my school. When they’re not reminding each other where they earned their PhDs, they’re dropping the name of the prestigious journal that recently published one of their articles, mentioning the invitation they’ve just received to give the plenary address at a well-known academic conference or jockeying for tenure.”
When they’re spiritually healthy, these charismatic, productive, go-get-’em folks are authentic, visionary leaders and extraordinary builders who deserve our admiration. Like every number, though, when they’re not mature and don’t know their blind spots they’re an accident looking for an intersection.
People will say Threes are willing to do whatever it takes to get ahead. They care about titles, who’s next in line for promotion and who occupies the corner office. Threes make phenomenal salespeople, though they develop a kind of pride around their ability to turn it on and become whomever the customer wants them to be to make the sale.
Because status matters so much to Threes, so do status symbols. When they build equity they find out which toys message success in their setting and go get them. If they’re investment bankers or professional athletes, it might be boats, second homes or Teslas. If they’re social justice advocates they’ll wear extra tattered clothing as part of a campaign to showcase their commitment to living in solidarity with the poor.
Threes’ issues with feelings become really clear when you see them at work. They live for setting a goal, killing it, setting another goal, killing it, setting the next goal, killing it. This is where Threes get their energy, but it costs them. Imagine a Three is working on an important project at work when their spouse or a friend calls to say they’re feeling angry or upset with them about something. The Three might have feelings about the situation as well, but having to deal with feelings threatens their ability to complete their project on schedule. So they disconnect in order to stay focused on work. It’s as if they say, I’m going to slip this emotion into my “Feelings to Deal with Later” file and come back to it when I’m finished with this task.
How often do you think Threes go back to deal with the feeling? Rarely. Once that project is done they’re on to the next one. By midlife, what do you think a Three’s “Feelings to Deal with Later” file looks like? If it hasn’t already burst, it’s definitely overflowing. A Three’s ability to postpone or set feelings aside explains why people often experience them as superficial, emotionally shallow and difficult to connect with. Productivity, efficiency, goals and measurable results—these are what Threes care about and do better than anyone else, particularly efficiency. Threes want to get to the finish line of a project or task as quickly as possible, and this desire for efficiency affects relationships and decisions.
Threes are pragmatic. They’ll do whatever it takes to get the job done. To achieve a goal a Three might cut corners for the sake of expediency, which can hurt the quality of their work. They’re not necessarily unethical, but they might embellish or leave out a few facts to secure a position, angle for a promotion or close a deal. As a songwriter I occasionally did work with a successful publisher in New York City who was a textbook Three. One day I asked a fellow songwriter whether he thought this likeable but shrewd publisher was a straight-up guy. He laughed and said, “Doug’s not a liar but he’ll ‘sculpt’ the truth if he has to.”
Threes often run people over on the way to the goal line, which they may or may not apologize for. They demand loyalty from their employees, so if your boss happens to be an immature Three, I wouldn’t openly question her decision to introduce a new product line unless you want to watch its big launch from the penalty box.
Enthusiastic and confident, a Three’s talk style is promotion or sales. Threes would rather say too little than too much. They love selling people on an idea, the company they work for, the product they sell, the cause they champion, the hobby they enjoy.
Threes are charismatic, and because they’re adaptive and attuned to what others want from them, they know exactly what to say to inspire and motivate the people who work for them. They gravitate toward careers where moving up is dependent on making good impressions and where promotions are handed out to those who best embody the values of the company or people they work for.
Wings
Threes with a Four wing (3w4). It’s difficult to be a Three with a Four wing. Fours, as we’ll see in the next chapter, are Romantics who care greatly about depth and authenticity. These people take having a rich inner life to a whole new level. Because Threes can be chameleons and Fours value authenticity, 3w4s experience tremendous confusion and interior dissonance. At the same time they’re projecting an image to please the crowd, the Four wing is pointing at them and screaming, “Phony! Fraud!” Threes with Four wings are more introspective and in touch with their shame and other feelings than 3w2s. They’re sensitive, artistic, emotionally intense, and they work more carefully on “crafting” the right image. Threes with Four wings aren’t as driven to be stars as 3w2s, but they can be more pretentious.
Threes with a Two wing (3w2). Charming and intimate, 3w2s make great entertainers, politicians, salespeople and pastors. When their lust for attention and recognition overtakes them or when they feel unappreciated, however, they can become angry and hostile. More than 3w4s, they need to be stars.
They actually embody some of the characteristics they have employed in an effort to be seen as more loving, generous and kind. These Threes still have a strong desire to be recognized for their achievements, but they also use some of their energy to help other people be successful.
Stress and Security
Stress. When Threes get stressed they take on characteristic behaviors of unhealthy Nines. They retreat to the couch with the remote or lose themselves in unproductive busywork. Seemingly worn out, they lose their characteristic optimism and confidence and become self-doubtful. Lacking motivation, stressed-out Threes might lose interest in working out, eating healthy food and paying attention to their appearance.
Security. When Threes are feeling secure they move to the positive side of Six, where they become warmer and more in touch with their feelings and the feelings of others. Less competitive and defensive, Threes in this space have more energy to devote to family and friends. No longer needing to be the star or in control, they care more about what’s best for the group and want to connect to something that’s bigger than they are. Threes who are connected to the positive side of Six can finally experience being loved for who they are instead of for what they do.
Spiritual Transformation
Being a Three and living in America is like being an alcoholic living above a saloon. In our success- and image-obsessed culture they are more revered and rewarded than any other number on the Enneagram. Is it any wonder spiritual work is hard for them? Because the adaptive strategies of their personality work so well and for so long, they might not start working on themselves spiritually until midlife, or when they fail and can’t cover it up.
Inevitably as Threes awaken spiritually and become self-aware, they will feel naked and ashamed. There’s no getting around it. In that moment, what they need is a kind but strong friend who will call them back to the truth of who they are, should they start marketing and packaging themselves for mass consumption again. Actually, we all need at least one friend who can encourage us in the struggle to become ourselves. It’s not work one should do alone.
We all need to hear we are loved for who we are, but Threes need to hear it until the day comes when they look in the mirror and see not an image so much as the reflection of a son or daughter of God. The healing message for Threes is “You are loved just for who you are.” Angels sing when this message penetrates a Three’s heart.
Ten Paths to Transformation for Threes
- It’s important for every number to develop a practice of silence, solitude and meditation, but it’s particularly essential for Threes since you place such high value on activity and productivity.
- Find a spiritual director to accompany you on your journey to reclaim your authentic self. It’s hard to walk the path alone.
- Challenge your definition of success, and craft a new one based on your feelings, desires and values, not those inherited from family or culture.
- Don’t wait until you have an affair, become an alcoholic or are the youngest person in your family to have a heart attack before you ask the question, “Who am I if I’m not my persona?” Do it now.
- Material success and being real are not mutually exclusive. Success is great if the person responsible for it is the real you.
- Take an inventory of who and what gets sacrificed while you’re frantically racing to cross the finish line first—spouse, kids, health, friendships.
- Take a vacation and do not bring work with you.
- Try being just another bozo on the bus. Resist the temptation to take the leadership rein or to be the center of attention. Instead, try being a collaborative team member who wants to help others shine and succeed.
- Have at least one close friend with whom you can be real and vulnerable. As a Three, you probably have a lot of friends, but make sure some of them are people who can love you when you’re a complete disaster, not just when you’re projecting an image of success.
- Read Richard Rohr’s books Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life and Immortal Diamond: The Search for Our True Self.