A vibrating noise on the nightstand next to the bed catches my attention. It is Shadow's cell phone. In his rush to avoid me this morning, he forgot it. I pick it up. It reads '1 missed call'. I wonder who called him. I can't stop the suspicion in my gut, so I open the cell phone. The missed call is from someone he's dubbed 'BITCH'. I’m sure he has lots of bitches. He should probably number them, bitch 1, bitch 2, I could be bitch 3. I growl at myself, thinking I, too, am just some bitch to get his rocks off. I bet tonight he will be in bed with a different bitch. Well, I'll just make sure he thinks of me while doing it.
I open the contacts to put my cell number in. For a contact name, I start typing 'Dani'. Unexpectedly, his voice echoes in my mind from last night; “Goddamn, you smell like heaven.” I smile at the memory. I delete what I typed and put in the name, 'Heaven'. I angle the camera at myself, sex up my bed-head with my fingers and pinch my cheeks. I pull the sheet up over my breasts, bite my lip and take the picture. Not too bad. I look like I was just fucked seven shades from Sunday; exactly what I was going for. It will make a great contact photo. If he doesn’t delete the picture, he will always remember me and him last night.
How pathetic am I? Even with the thought that he used me, I still want him.
I get up to put some clothes on. Stepping over my white panties reminds me of the loss of my purity. My clit tingles just thinking about how Shadow took me with his deceitful ways. My body betrays me as easily as he did. Grr... I need to push him out of my mind; forget him. But having given Shadow something as special as my virginity makes me feel connected to him in a way I know he doesn't share. I feel stupid, and to be honest, a little hurt.
I grab my suitcase to see if I have any clean clothes left. I should probably see if there's a washer and dryer in the clubhouse. How convenient, a black bra and panties set; that should match my promiscuous ways. When I start to slide on my panties, I see blood between my thighs. Shit, I need a shower.
I let the hot shower wash off everything from last night. It is bittersweet. I want proof of what happened off of me, but don’t. I grab some soap and lather it up between my hands, it smells like Shadow. I smile at the recognition. I rub the dried blood off with the soap, the smell of Shadow soaking into my skin.
I slip my sinfully colored panties and bra on and open the closet to see if there's any kind of shirt I can throw on. Luckily, there are a few with the Devil's Dust logo of a skeleton hand crushing a skull. I grab the black one and put it on. It engulfs my slim figure so I tie the bottom corner hem into a knot. Reaching back into my bag, I find some blue jean shorts to put on.
A smooth voice startles me. “Damn, you were born to wear that shirt.” It's Shadow, studying me from top to bottom with beastly eyes. The sound of his voice brings hurt to my soul and desperation to my loins.
“You're back,” I respond, trying not to sound excited. “I didn’t think I would see you again today.”
“Yeah, I forgot my phone,” he says, grabbing it off the nightstand.
Awkward silence fills the room, neither of us knowing what to say about last night.
Great, here it comes: “I didn’t mean for last night to happen,” or, “it's not you, it’s me.” I don't think I can handle the rejection. Even though I knew this was a probability, actually hearing I was just a one-night stand coming out of his beautiful mouth might kill me.
“You don’t need to explain, Shadow. I get it.” My eyes start to sting. Holding back my emotions may be harder than I thought. I stare out the window trying to avoid eye contact.
Shadow scoffs, “I'm glad you understand what’s going on, because I ain’t gotta fucking clue.” His confession throws me for a loop. Is he just as confused about our chemistry as I am? Is there chemistry? Maybe I'm not just a one-night thing. I shake my head; I'm getting ahead of myself. These games are exhausting.
“So, why don’t you clue me in, seeing as how you've got it all figured out,” he says, his tone unreadable.
When I face him, his expression is sincere. He looks lost even.
“Dani, last night-“ Shadow is cut off from a knock at the door. Panicked, I start looking around the room; looking for somewhere to stuff him. I start pushing Shadow toward the closet in a desperate attempt to conceal him.
“Are you fucking serious?” he whispers when he realizes I am shoving him into the closet.
“Yes, I’m serious,” I whisper back. “What if it’s my mom or dad? Go, and be quiet.”
I shut the closet door and notice the condom on the floor next to the trashcan. Shit. I grab it and throw it in the bathroom trash; I grab some toilet paper and throw it on top to hide it. I run back and open the door my mother is pounding at, trying not to seem panicked.
“Are we over our temper tantrum?” My mother asks, walking in. She looks like shit. She's pale and still wearing the same clothes from last night.
“Mom, I –“ she cuts me off, pointing at my shirt.
“What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Wearing?” she snaps, her eyes as wide as saucers.
I look down at the shirt I’m wearing. “I found it in the closet. It looked comfy,” I profess.
She walks over to me and tugs at the top, trying to take it off me. “No. No daughter of mine will wear this shit,” she says, frantically.
“Stop it,” I yell at her, but she keeps grabbing at me. “Get off me!” I can feel my face turning red, my body temperature rising, my vision blurring with rage. Finally having enough of her scratching my arms and neck to get at the black shirt, I snap.
“Back off, damn it!” I push her violently, her body flying to the floor like dirty laundry. I jump back, startled by my lack of self-control and anger. Where did it come from? I have pushed my mother before, yelled even, but never have I practically tossed her like a rag doll.
She is trembling as she stands. “What’s gotten into you, Dani? First, you are riding around with... with that biker trash; then, wearing that God awful shirt like you're a club member; and now you're violent to your own mother.” She is hysterical now. “This is wrong. I raised you better than this. I gave you a better life than this; hell, I gave you life.” Other than trembling, she isn't moving a muscle.
“It’s a fucking t-shirt,” I shout at her as she eyes it with a deadly stare.
“No, no, it’s more than a fucking t-shirt. You are becoming one of them; biker trash. You're becoming your... your father.” She went from being loud and hysterical to whispering those last few words. I may have barely heard the words, but even her whisper was dripping with hatred.
“Yeah, well, I never asked for your lies and betrayal,” I snap back at her in self-defense.
“You know, I had a premonition when I realized you shared your father's green eyes. I loved those eyes until he tossed me aside. I knew I had to hide him from you; keep you on the right path, or you would turn out just like him.” She's avoiding eye contact, which always raises my suspicion.
“What’s so wrong with being like him?” I ask.
“Really?” she says, snidely. “You have been here but a minute. You have no idea what he is capable of, any of them. They lie, cheat, murder, rob. They are unstoppable. You stand in their way, they will kill you.”
She points at me. ”That boy you are hanging around... keep your distance. He just wants in your pants; you being the president’s daughter won’t stop him. I got an earful of the kind of man he is. He is a womanizer and he’s messed up in the head,” she bluntly spits at me.
Now I can’t look her in the eyes. I'm afraid she might see I'm not as pure as I was when we arrived here.
“Everyone has a few skeletons in their closet,” I justify. Looking at my closet right now, I can relate.
“If I hear of that boy trying to push himself on you, I will get your father involved. Messing with the president’s daughter does not go without repercussions.”
Gee, I wonder if she said those same lines to all the boyfriends I had growing up, that would explain them suddenly dumping me.
“Why did we come here if you hate my father so much; if you hate everything about this place?” I calmly point out.
She sighs wearily. ”I had no choice. It’s what had to be done,” she whispers, her head hanging low.
She steps close to me. “Before you go thinking you belong, know your place here. There are club laws; some you will never be able to identify with.” She straightens her clothes and leaves.
I sigh tiredly as the door closes. Wow. Who knew just wearing a t-shirt would make my mother go bat-shit crazy. Maybe she needed my shrink more than I did. Seems she has a lot of issues with the club, so being here is still a mystery to me. And what did she mean by she got an earful of how Shadow was messed up? I turn to the closet, waiting for Shadow to come out.
“Shadow?”
He opens the door and walks out, his presence actually bringing calm to my battered psyche.
“You okay?” he asks.
“As okay as I can be. Sorry you had to hear all that.”
He shakes his head as if he’s not bothered by it.
“What did she mean about you being messed up?” I ask. I got the part about him being a womanizer. That was no shocker. It still stung to hear it after just sleeping with him, though.
“Everyone has a past, Dani. I’m not perfect; I told you that before you climbed in bed with me,” he barks back.
Another knock at the door snaps us from our conversation.
“Damn, you’re popular,” he says irritated. I raise my eyebrows and dart my eyes toward the closet. “Again, really?” He asks flippantly while climbing back into the closet.
With Shadow hiding, I yell, “Come in!”
In comes Candy; this ought to be good. She has on a tiny black dress with black hooker-heels. Her blonde hair is in beautiful curls hanging loosely around her shoulders. She is beautiful, yet slutty at the same time. I hate her.
“Is Shadow in here?” she asks sweetly.
“No, I’m staying in here,” I inform her.
“Right. I’m pretty sure I saw him come in here,” she replies with a high amount of bitch in her voice.
“Right. Well as you can see, no Shadow in here.” I return with as much bitch as I can muster.
“You’re cute.” Her sweet tone is as fake as her boobs.
“I can see why Shadow likes you,” she laughs like she has a secret I am oblivious to.
“Is that right?” I ask, curious at what she is getting at, but trying not to sound it.
“He’s going to eat that innocence and spit you out, honey. That is, if he hasn’t already.” She puts her hands on her hips, proud of herself.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I lie, still feeling defensive.
“I have been with Shadow for years. I have seen girls come and go. You don’t think just because you’re sweet and innocent that he cares about you, that you can tame him, do you? As soon as he’s done with you, he’ll come running back to me. He always does. In the meantime, next time you kiss those lips remember they were on me not so long before you. His cock? In me as well. Shadow can’t get enough of Candy.” She sticks her nose in the air as she verbally slaps me.
My palms are sweaty and my breath is getting shallow. Here is yet another confirmation that I am just a notch on Shadow's bedpost. How many times do I have to hear it? She gets to have Shadow as much as she wants and she's rubbing it in. I am jealous of the whore, what an all-time low.
She turns to walk out but stops; her body half out of the doorway.
“Oh, and shame on you. If Bull finds out you are fucking with Shadow, only God knows what he’ll do.” She turns back around and rests her hip on the doorframe. This isn’t the first time I've heard that my dad will kill Shadow for messing around with me. It's hard to wrap my mind around.
Seeing the turmoil on my face, she laughs. “It’s law. No one can mess around with the President's daughter behind his back and not be punished.“ Despite the smile still on her lips, her tone is serious. “And I’m sure your mother won’t like it either. Seems you and she are whores in the same, huh, sleeping with men you have no business messing around with.” She spins on her shiny black stilettos and walks out.
I let out the breath I had been holding. I am more of a mess than I want to be over Shadow. I thought I would be okay being a one-night stand or maybe even a causal fling. But after hearing it from the two most spiteful women I've met in my life, the pain seems unbearable. The thought that I was nothing but sloppy seconds after Candy hit all the wrong notes.
Shadow opens the closet door slowly. My body is wound as tight as a viper. He approaches with caution. “Dani?” he says with concern.
“Just get the hell out.” I say quietly, avoiding eye contact.
“Dani, calm down and let me explain,” he demands.
There is nothing to explain. I am just a challenge for Shadow, a score for him. Not only did he get to bang the president's daughter, he also got to take her innocence. I'm just one big joke to him. I feel regret wash over me. I want to go back to feeling numb. Feeling numb wins over feeling used.
“No, I don’t want you to explain, just get the fuck out of my room now.” I look directly into those damaged eyes. ”I don’t want you near me, ever,” I say calmly, hoping to get my point across. He just stands there, looking dumbfounded.
I push him toward the door, trying to hold back my tears. “Get out, biker trash!” I yell, noticing in my time of distress I sound exactly like my mother, and damaging my ego that much more. ”I will not be your shiny new toy whenever you’re bored.” I slam the door in his face.
I lock the door and slump to the floor. How could I be so naive? Did I really think that just because I gave Shadow my virginity that we would somehow be a couple now; that he would suddenly care for me? Man, I’m clueless. I was just new ass to him, a game. His words from our first kiss instantly play in my head, “But in reality, you could never be mine.” I am so angry at myself, how could I see Shadow as anything less than a playboy? Why would he want someone like me when he has biker babes dropping their panties for him?
“What's going on out here?” I can hear Bull through the door.
“Eh, she’s not happy I have to follow her around everywhere,” Shadow says. What? This is news to me. Why does the asshole have to follow me around everywhere? As if I wasn’t humiliated enough, now I have to endure being around him 24/7.
“Yeah, I didn’t think she would be happy about it,” Bull proclaims. ”Her mother will be even more pissed.”
“Dani, open up.” Bull demands.
I sit here against the door, ignoring his request. I need time to process everything, alone.
“Darlin, I just need to make sure you're safe. Not only from your mother's shithead boyfriend, we have enemies too. It’s just safer this way. Shadow won't mess with you. If he does, he will answer to me.” His voice is sincere; he's just trying to make sure I stay safe. I still can’t bring myself to respond, all I want is to scream.
Now is when I wish I had a best friend; someone I could spill out everything to. They could tell me what to do. I’m sure my shrink, Victoria, would have a field day with all this information. I have to get myself together; I can't let Shadow or that whore, Candy, see how distraught I am. I knew when I let him take me, it might end badly. In all honesty, I would rather live with this regret, than to never have had the experience. I've felt so alive being with Shadow. It is going to be hard going back to the numbness that succumbed me before.