The next few years of my dating life were pretty darn good. My size insecurities didn’t plague me anymore. That probably sounds strange to you. But I just seemed to have a clear view of who I was. What I brought to the table, and what I lacked, only without the judgment.
Yeah, I missed Kristen sometimes. This is what bothered me most: for every time I was sad, there were ten times when I missed our kinky games. Even though I knew those games were fleeting. Even though I knew deep down she didn’t love me. She loved me, but with a lower case “l.” Even if you’ve struggled to find love as much as I have, you sure as heck know the difference between the two. But yeah, I missed her. On the other hand, leaning forward into your life is not so bad either. And whatever Kristen’s failings, that’s where she came through.
Asking girls out was a lot easier after Kristen. Enough of them said yes to make my life pretty interesting. One girl I dated—a medical technician who was used to being in charge—actually said, “I love how you made me your slut!” after I had brought her to countless orgasms with my tongue, fingers, and then with her vibrator. Without asking for her permission to make her cum. Just, you know, taking it. In a way she completely and happily allowed, just like I had seen those big dicked alpha guys do.
It turns out I was pretty good at playing an alpha male type role for certain girls. There was a fitness instructor who loved being tied down by someone stronger. No mean stuff, just restraint, then plenty of orgasms while she was living out that feeling of helplessness. Fortunately I had lifted enough weights after Kristen kicked me in the ass that I was pretty strong. I could tell that made a difference to Tina, my fitness instructor girlfriend.
The fact I could hold her down even when she offered serious resistance was a big turn-on to her. I could tell that if I hadn’t been strong enough, she would have been turned off. But I was, and so was she. I was pretty good at understanding what made girls tick after all. I suppose the fact that I could afford to take them out to nice dinners and buy thoughtful gifts for them didn’t hurt either.
So that was my late twenties—dating girls, not sure what I was looking for exactly, but enjoying my newfound ability to reel them in. The only real glitch was one woman, Nadine. Nadine was a black belt in karate, and while I was a bit stronger than her, she was not at all intimidated by me physically. We only tried to fool around once, and when she got me undressed and my cock hard, I could tell she was disappointed. I pretended not to notice and even dialed it up a notch.
I did my oral thing on her instead and she was happy enough, but I could tell she wanted to be dominated and in this case, I didn’t feel like I had the touch she needed. We went our separate ways with no hard feelings. I put that experience behind me and hit the dating scene again. But deep down I realized there were some women my newfound confidence couldn’t reach. Trouble is, those were typically the girls I wanted most.
The downside of my newfound confidence was that I wasn’t always fulfilled. Either I found myself in what I now call “vanilla” relationships where my taboo fantasies were not welcome, or else I was living out the girls’ fantasies without doing justice to my own. Maybe that’s why none of these late twenties girlfriends have lasted. I could see that at some point, one of them could become more serious. But what was I looking for? What was holding me back?
Maybe it was me. I could play that alpha role, but there was something missing. I felt like a fraud, waiting for a girl like Nadine to see right through me and call me out. No, it was way more serious than that. I wanted to be called out. I needed to be called out. In the back of my mind, I found myself wondering … wondering about how I felt so much closer to my sexual destiny playing kinky games with Kristen than I had since. In some bizarre way, that felt more normal to me, more right, than anything that followed.
But then … things changed again. And in a very, very big way.