* Sean *
Ever since that first night together, my life has become unrecognizable, as have I.
Days on set pass in a blur. I still count down the hours until we wrap up, eager to get out of the studio at the earliest opportunity. But I’m no longer heading to the White Hart every evening, hiding myself in pint after pint of lager, under the pretense of getting some writing done.
Like a moth to a flame, and no matter how much my days at the studio drag on, I head home to Lily. That’s how I’ve come to think of the formerly empty flat at St. James’s Park. It’s no longer a thorn in my side, a painful reminder of a past which I’d tried my best to brush away. Brightened up by her presence, by what we share together, it’s become something entirely different now.
I’ve barely even set foot in my own place, except to pick up the odd change of clothes and other essentials. Home is where she is now. That’s how addicted I’ve become to how she makes me feel. It’s a nice change, to belong. I haven’t felt that way in many years, maybe even ever.
Over the course of one night and one morning with her, I’ve become so hopelessly obsessed, I don’t even think I could sleep anymore without her right there next to me. Neither could I think. Or eat. Everything I do has become inextricably linked to her presence, whether it’s her physical presence or just the idea of her accompanying me in my mind wherever I go. Because obviously we haven’t gone public with our relationship. Outside influence would only pollute what we have…
I guess this is what romance is. This is what it’s like to meet that special someone. To have a person in your life who’s so very precious, you can’t decide whether to shout her name from the rooftops or hide her in the basement so nobody could ever lay eyes on her.
I thought I’d had that before, but I realize now that those previous relationships were just cheap imitations of the real deal. No wonder they turned sour so quickly.
And I haven’t told Lily this, not in those exact words, because that’s all they are. Words, which are thrown around too easily nowadays and as such have lost their meaning. But I can see it in her eyes every time she looks at me. She knows, and she feels the same way. That’s more beautiful than anything I could ever say out loud.
And she tries to show her feelings in numerous ways whenever we’re together. It’s funny. I always thought I was too difficult to live with. Too abrasive and unsociable and too set in my ways for another person to tolerate on a daily basis. Unlovable and hence alone. That’s why my previous marriages didn’t last.
She makes it look effortless. The way she remembers the little things. How I take my coffee. My favorite foods. The paper I like to read in the morning. I don’t know how she knows all this stuff, because we’ve never discussed it as far as I can recall. But somehow she’s figured me all out already. And it’s nice.
She asks about my day and actually listens. And once I’m done, she tells me about hers, and I can’t stop myself from smiling. Because she can make even the most mundane events and activities sound enchanting. Even her struggles to find a job. How frustrated she looks when she apologetically tells me that she hasn’t gotten a single interview yet. She might not see it that way, but she’s perfect in my eyes. Just as she is. Sooner or later, it’ll all work out for her. She just needs to be patient.
So what if she can’t cook and almost set off the fire alarm the last time she tried? I don’t even mind that she’s quite a bit messier than I am, whether in the kitchen or outside of it. The way she looks at me when I get home makes up for every single thing that used to drag me down in my previous life. My life before Lily.
I guess love does make you blind. And deaf, because I don’t even mind the rather terrible music she likes to listen to. Or the films and shows she likes to watch. Our tastes differ quite drastically, as you might expect with an age difference as big as ours. She’s not a so-called old soul. She loves Pixar and Marvel and any number of things that I would have brushed off as ‘childish’ only a couple of weeks ago. Somehow, it’s the quirky things about her which make me adore her even more. Not that I’d ever admit that to anyone, even her. I quite enjoy teasing her about all of it, because she's so adorable when she teases me back.
However, life isn't all sunshine and roses. I’ve been so distracted that my work has stalled completely. And the date of the upcoming special is approaching fast, as my manager, Ian, seeks to remind me of with regular messages. After his latest text asking for an update, this is what’s playing on my mind when I reach home on Friday night, drained after a long day in the studio.
“Hiya!” Lily greets me by wrapping her arms around me and kissing me deeply as soon as I walk through the door.
I can’t resist, of course, but she pulls away from our kiss moments later.
“Something wrong?”
I shake my head and smile briefly. How could she know? In any case, it’s not something she needs to concern herself with.
“Seriously. You can tell me,” Lily says, with a thoughtful frown on her face.
“I know… It’s just—” I sigh.
“Shoot.” She pokes me playfully in the side—a move which I replicate, causing her to let out a short squeal. I love that she’s more ticklish than I am. She grabs my hand to stop me from doing it over and over just to hear that beautiful sound again.
“I’d been contracted to record a stand-up special for the network. It’s being recorded in front of a live audience next month.”
She purses her lips. “That’s what you were working on back at the White Hart that night?”
I nod.
“You hadn’t made much progress then. And you certainly haven’t been writing since,” she says.
I nod again. “Yep.”
She steps away. “How about I take care of dinner, and you try to work on it now for a while?”
I raise both arms in protest. “It’s okay, we’ll order!”
She scowls at me, but the little flutter in the corner of her mouth tells me she’s not actually annoyed. “I’ll have you know that that was an isolated incident. I’ve been watching a bunch of cooking videos while you were at work and practicing. It’ll be edible this time, I promise!”
“Uh-huh,” I tease.
“Really!” she insists.
“Okay, fine. Whatever you say.” I grin at her and she grins back.
“Now go! Get to work. Stop looking at me and getting distracted! I refuse to be the reason you’re going to miss your deadline,” she urges.
I chuckle to myself and shake my head. As if I’ll be able to think of anything besides how gorgeous she looks in the cute little summer dress she’s wearing today. And how much better she’d look without it.
True to her word, she does head straight for the kitchen, and soon I can hear sounds of pots, pans, cutlery, and the suction hood. Maybe she has been practicing.
I carry my shoulder bag into the living room, where I take a seat against one of the very girly looking scatter cushions she’s piled onto the elegant settee. It doesn’t quite clash, but it doesn’t really work together either. Still, the overall effect makes me smile. This place looks a million times better with her stuff dotted all around. It was all too sterile before.
After taking out a pen and a stack of blank sheets of paper from my bag, I begin to brainstorm some ideas. All I had from before was the idea of a title, Forty Years Old and Twice Divorced. Somehow that doesn’t feel right anymore. Too cynical. Thanks to Lily’s presence in my life, I’m not even the same guy anymore as when I first thought of that.
How much can change in a week.
Great . Now I’ve got nothing again. I don't have the first clue about how to be a cheerful comic.
I lean back and look up at the chandelier. I can’t focus on a damn thing. Except the memories of our first night together. Our first time together, even. With this very same view. Right on this sofa, underneath this very chandelier.
I can’t very well go on stage and tell the audience about that, now can I? It wouldn’t be appropriate and it’s not even funny. Yet, the harder I try to think and concentrate, the more insistent that mental image becomes.
Frustrated, I get up and head straight back to the kitchen.
“It’s not ready yet!” Lily tells me, pointing the wooden spoon in the direction of the door. “Get out.”
Her whole demeanor makes me smile, because she’s really no good at pretending to be stern. That’s more Alexis’ wheelhouse. Those two really couldn’t be more different despite supposedly being related.
“Can’t focus,” I say with a shrug.
She pauses for a minute and studies my face. “Okay. Well, what do you normally do when you can’t focus?”
I sigh and gesture at the fridge. “I came to grab a beer.”
She chews on her bottom lip. “Sean.”
“Yeah?”
“You’ve been working every day, even on the weekends, yeah? When was the last time you truly had a day off? A change of scenery?”
I stare at her in silence instead of answering.
“That long, huh?” She clicks her tongue and shakes her head in disapproval. “It’s no wonder you can’t focus.”
“It’s not that. What I do during the day… I just sit around and read some stuff off a monitor, and then discuss current affairs with other comedians. There happen to be cameras there, but it’s basically the same as sitting around chatting to your mates. You can hardly call it work.”
She cocks her head to the side. “Then why do you look so tired by the time you get home every day?”
I frown. “Because I’m old, Lily!”
That remark cracks her up immediately, which in turn makes me laugh too. She approaches me with her arms stretched out, wraps them around my neck, and looks at me up close.
“Tell yourself whatever, but I think you’ve been in a rut for a while now. Thank God you have me to drag you out of it!”
Thank God, indeed.
“How do you propose we do that?” I wiggle my eyebrows suggestively.
“By taking a day off. By experiencing something new. Doing something impulsive and silly.”
“What, anal?”
She bursts out laughing again and hides her face in my chest. “No, silly! By getting out of the house and doing something fun!”
“We’ve been doing fun stuff in the house every night for a week now. I wouldn’t mind a whole day of the same!”
She pulls back and looks into my eyes with a wide grin on her face. “Seriously. Just one day off. I’ll take care of everything. You just have to show up.” She runs her thumb across my bottom lip before getting up on her tippy toes and kissing me. And just like that, all the tension about the upcoming special just fades away. There’s something magical about her. Something so precious, I just can’t refuse her a damn thing. For once in my life, I’m ready to let someone else be in charge.
“There’s a break in my schedule the day after tomorrow, as it happens,” I mumble, marveling once again at the softness of her lips. Will I ever tire of this? I doubt it.
She smiles against my lips. “Wonderful. It’s a date.”
While she retreats to check whatever mystery dish is cooking away on the stove, I can’t help but watch her. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I have been in a rut, and she is the only one able to drag me out of it. That’s why I seemingly can’t breathe without her anymore. And why I can barely even remember what my life used to be, before Lily came into it and changed everything.