“I don’t know how in the world I let you guys talk me into this,” Natalie said, huffing the words as she attempted to draw air.
Ahead of her, Hanna stepped easily up a rocky incline, then turned to help her. “You wanted to come and you know it.”
The small entourage of guests from Higher Grounds Mountain Lodge trudged ahead of them, following Micah.
“That was before I remembered how out of shape I am.” Natalie focused on putting one foot in front of the other.
“Isn’t the air great out here, though?”
“Its going in and out of my lungs so fast, I hadn’t noticed.”
Hanna laughed.
“You seem to be feeling pretty good,” Natalie said. Hanna hadn’t had the fatigue Natalie had in the beginning of her pregnancies. Lucky girl.
“I feel great. I’m at that perfect stage where my energy is high and I’m not huge yet.”
“You’re not even showing.”
“Don’t let the baggy T-shirt fool ya. There’s a little belly under here.”
All this talk about Hanna’s pregnancy was making Natalie think about Linn. She stuffed the thoughts in a dark corner of her mind and focused on the trail.
They climbed in silence for a while until they came to a flat space, where they rested and sipped from their water bottles. Micah talked to the family of four and two male friends, who seemed intent on showing off for the teenage girl with the family.
“So hows everything at the center?” Hanna asked.
It had been five weeks since the center had been vandalized, and everything was back in order. So why did her life feel so unsettled?
“Its fine. We finally got reimbursed for the equipment and got everything replaced.”
“And you got a security system, too, right?”
“Yes, Mom.”
“Someone has to watch out for you. I was hoping something would develop between you and that attorney.”
Kyle. Just his name evoked all kinds of feelings. He’d called and even stopped by the center, but she wouldn’t let herself fall for him. According to Linn, he’d had an affair on his wife, and she would never give her heart to him knowing that.
“Nope. That was a dead end.” If she kept telling herself that, maybe she’d start believing it. If only Kyle would stop coming by the center, it would make resisting him a lot easier.
“Mom told me Keith took the boys camping this weekend.”
“They were so excited. I think Alex was awake half the night anticipating it.”
“Are things still awkward when he picks them up?”
She shrugged. They’d gotten over the awkwardness. Even the anger toward him had faded. “I forgave him a long time ago. This new development with Linn just brought it all back up. And I’m over the shock of it now, so I guess there’s no sense in holding it over his head.”
Hanna took a gulp from her water. “What about the adoption? I know you were excited about the baby.”
Her stomach clenched. She didn’t want to think about the baby. She’d tortured herself with thoughts of Linn having an abortion. What if she’d gone through with it? What if she’d been that desperate for a place to stay that she’d done as her father had demanded? What if Natalie’s kicking her out had resulted in the baby’s death? She shook off the terrible thought.
“You’re really struggling, aren’t you?”
Only Hanna could be so honest with her. “I guess I am. I’m still mourning the loss of the baby.”
“Have you heard from Linn?”
“No.” Her tone left no doubt that she didn’t want to either. And yet …
“So you don’t know where she is?”
“Time to move on!” Micah called from his spot near a rocky incline. He walked toward them and slipped an arm around Hanna, rubbing her back. “You doing all right?”
“Now I am.” Hanna reached up and pecked Micah on the cheek.
Natalie felt relieved that she didn’t have to talk about Linn anymore. One of the reasons she’d wanted to go on this trek was so she could get away from her thoughts. She was tired of thinking about Linn and the baby. Her ex-husband’s baby, she reminded herself. She was tired of fighting her attraction to Kyle. She probably just needed to tell him the truth. Well, not the whole truth, but at least tell him she just wanted to be friends. She cringed. No one wanted to hear those words.
Later that night, they settled around the campfire. Dinner had been simple but filling, and with her belly full, Natalie found herself feeling relaxed for the first time in weeks.
The young men turned in first, followed by the Mitchner family. The teenage girl practically had to be peeled off Micah.
“She’s at that age,” Hanna said as Mr. Mitchner zipped the tent flap behind him. Micah poked at the logs in the fire in front of them, and Hanna leaned over toward Natalie. “And it doesn’t hurt that he’s such a hottie,” she said in a stage whisper.
Micah turned and smiled at his wife. The look they shared made Natalie wonder if they remembered she was there at all.
“Did I tell you Micah thinks he knows where his sister Jenna is?”
Micah took a seat on the other side of Hanna, the log tipping a bit when his weight sank on it.
“No, where is she?” Natalie asked.
“Well, I don’t know exactly,” he said. “But I tracked down some friends of hers who said she went to L.A. with a boyfriend.”
“L.A. That’ll be like finding a needle in a haystack.” Natalie wished she’d kept her mouth shut. She should be encouraging him, not dissuading him. Misery loves company.
“Normally, you’d be right,” Hanna said. “Tell her what you found out.” She nudged Micah.
“Some relative of her boyfriend owns a bar out there. I’m still working on finding out the name of it. Once I have that, I’ll have someplace to start.”
“That’s terrific, Micah.”
“I’m going to find her.” He gazed into the fire, his jaw set, his eyes determined. Natalie didn’t doubt it for a minute.
He sighed. “I think I’ll turn in.”
“I’ll put out the fire,” Hanna said. When Micah kissed her goodnight, Natalie looked the other way.
After Micah disappeared into the tent, she and Hanna listened to the fire crackle and pop for a moment.
“It sounds like Micah’s close to finding Jenna. It seems to mean a lot to him.”
“It does. Especially after—well, he found out a few weeks ago that his mom died several years back.”
“Oh. I didn’t know.”
“He’s still working through that one. Even though she abused him, she was still his mom.”
“How old was he when he was put in foster care?”
“Six, I think. He remembers quite a bit, though. More than he wished he did.”
Hanna shook her head. “She was just a baby when they were taken from their mom. Micah remembers feeding her bottles and taking care of her. He felt protective of her, even as young as he was.”
“Why weren’t they put in the same foster home? Don’t they try to keep siblings together?”
“They were in the same home initially. But at some point, the foster parents didn’t want Micah anymore—I guess he was a difficult child—and they couldn’t find a home that would take them both. So they ended up separated.”
“That’s so unfair. They’d already lost their mom, and then they were taken from each other, too.”
“I know. It seems to have worked out pretty well for Jenna, though. The family adopted her.”
“Don’t they know where she is?”
Hanna shook her head. “They tried to find her after she ran away, but they came to a dead end. And they have five foster children, so they have their hands full. Micah let them know we think she’s in L.A.”
They let silence fall around them for a while.
Natalie’s thoughts went back to Linn and the baby. She’d been by Bubba’s many times in the past weeks, and she hadn’t seen Linn’s bike in the bike rack once. What if something awful had happened to her? Who would even know if she disappeared? She clenched her teeth. Why should she care what happened? Didn’t Linn deserve everything she got? Hadn’t she dug her own hole?
Natalie closed her eyes and breathed deep of the fresh, pine-scented air.
She’d thought if she got away from home, she could forget her troubles. But no matter how far away she got, the troubles seemed to follow.
Natalie watched the young woman walk out of the center and felt like her stomach was anchored to her feet. According to the test, the girl was pregnant, and there was no doubt in Natalie’s mind that she would be getting an abortion. She was from Alpine and had come here for the free test. Natalie had never seen anyone so close-minded. She hadn’t wanted to hear about the baby forming inside her or Post Abortion Syndrome. She wanted a quick fix, and she was convinced an abortion was it.
Natalie put her face in her hand and closed her eyes against the sting. Would it ever get any easier? She couldn’t save every baby from death, couldn’t save every mother from the agony of regret.
But you can save one.
She sat up straight, jarred by the thought. No. She wouldn’t think about Linn and her baby. Keith’s baby. She couldn’t do anything about it, and no one could ask that of her.
Besides, it may be too late for Linn’s baby.
Linn could have aborted the baby by now. The weight attached to her stomach dragged downward. That’s Alex and Taylor’s half-sibling. She closed her eyes. This was all so twisted. So awful. What a terrible mess.
No matter how much she detested what Keith and Linn had done together, she knew the baby was innocent of that.
Still.
There was nothing she could do. And she was so angry with Linn. Time had eased the shock, but she couldn’t forget what Linn had done.
She’d thought she’d gotten over the affair after the divorce. She’d forgiven Keith. It had taken a long time and a lot of praying, but she’d forgiven him.
But what about Lindsey?
She hadn’t even known who the other woman was. Just that it was someone who’d worked for Keith at the bank. Someone named Lindsey. How could you forgive a ghost-woman, a woman you didn’t know and had never seen?
She hadn’t even realized, but now she knew. She’d never forgiven the other woman. Maybe it should be easier to forgive now that she had a face, a person to attach to the crime. But it seemed harder than ever because now Linn had betrayed her twice: once with Keith, then again by hiding her identity.
Help me, Lord. If I could forgive Keith, maybe I can forgive Linn, too, but I need Your help.
Her afternoon volunteer, Amanda, walked through the door. “Good afternoon!” She shrugged her purse off her shoulder and set it on the filing cabinet. “What’s wrong?”
Natalie forced a smile to her face, but it felt plastic. “Rough day.” She explained about the client who’d just left, and Amanda consoled her, then they prayed together that God would direct the woman’s footsteps.
Later that night, as she was putting the boys in bed, Kyle called. “I was hoping we could talk,” he said. “But I hear the boys, so I guess I’ve caught you at a bad time.”
“I’m just putting them to bed. Why don’t I call you right back?”
“Actually, I was hoping we could talk in person. There’s something I wanted to talk about.”
Natalie cringed. She needed to back off from the relationship, and that was much harder when he was with her. She needed to tell him she only wanted to be friends, and that would be much easier over the phone.
“There’s something I want to talk to you about, too.” No time like the present. At least she could get it out of the way. Having him around all the time was getting harder all the time. He was too easy to lean on.
“How about a half hour or so?” she asked.
“Sure.”
He sounded cautious, and Natalie realized he was probably wondering what she was going to say. What if she couldn’t work up the courage to say it at all?
They hung up, and Natalie finished tucking in the boys and saying prayers. Only then did she allow herself to consider what she’d say to Kyle. It was too tempting to have him in her life. He fit so well. He was easy to talk to, a good listener, and he wasn’t hard on the eyes either.
Her thoughts drifted back to the time he’d held her while she cried. He had a strength about him that was magnetic. She felt so safe and cared for in his arms. Just thinking about it sent warmth spreading through her.
She had to stop thinking like this. She didn’t want a man who’d already betrayed one wife. Remember what that was like, Natalie? Remember the pain you went through with Keith? You do not want to go through that again. And you have the boys to consider. Another failed marriage is not an option.
Before she was ready, a soft knock came at the door. Her heart pushed against her chest, and when she opened the door, her knees went weak all over. Did he have to be so handsome?
“Come in.” She tried for a smile but was sure she’d failed.
“Thanks for letting me come over so late,” he said quietly.
She asked him to have a seat while she poured him a Pepsi. He was so thoughtful. Wouldn’t most men ring the doorbell and waltz in talking loudly, mindless of the boys sleeping upstairs? Maybe she was making a mistake in letting him go.
No. She had to stop thinking like that. Remember the affair. Remember the pain. Nothing was worth experiencing that again.
She went into the great room and handed him the drink.
“Thanks.”
He wore the moss-colored shirt that brought out the green in his eyes. For the first time, she wondered what he was going to say. What if he was going to tell her the same thing she was planning on telling him? What if he was going to dump her before they even began dating? Isn’t that what you wanted, you goof? Why did she suddenly feel like a junior-high girl?
“Boys asleep?” he asked.
“Probably. Taylor was nearly asleep by the time prayers were over.”
He smiled so warmly, she looked away. He looked too comfortable on the other end of the sofa. She envisioned herself cuddling up to him, her head on his chest. Why hadn’t she sat across the room in the recliner?
“Are you doing OK?” he asked. “You haven’t talked about Linn and the baby lately.”
Was this what he’d wanted to talk about? The thought brought relief, and she immediately wondered why. She shrugged. “God’s working on me with that. I know I need to forgive her.”
“It can’t be easy.”
He wasn’t one to give advice, and she loved that about him. He listened, he encouraged, but he didn’t try to fix everything. “I’ve been praying for you.”
Her heart squeezed. Had a man ever told her that? How often had she prayed for Kyle? She felt a prick of guilt. Even knowing the load of guilt he carried about his former wife, had she really prayed for him?
“Why the frown?”
She tipped her lips. “You’re a special man, Kyle.” But we need to keep our relationship on a friendship level. Now was the perfect time to say it. Why wouldn’t it come out?
“I think I hear a ’but’ after that,” he said.
How had he known? Now she had to say it. She looked him in the eye. His hair looked as if he’d just run his hand through it. Or as if he’d just woken up and hadn’t combed it yet. He looked sweet and vulnerable. She looked at his arm curled around the back of the sofa. His hands were strong-looking, tapering down to squared-off fingers that were capable of amazing tenderness.
She looked away. “You know I have a lot going on in my life right now. A lot of unresolved issues.” She hoped he’d jump in and agree. Or something. He didn’t.
“While I’ve appreciated your friendship, I want to be honest and tell you I’m not ready to go any further with it at this time.”
She darted a glance at him. His little smile looked frozen on his face.
What if he didn’t want any more than friendship? Had she just made a complete fool of herself? “I mean, maybe you never intended—I didn’t mean to imply—”
He held his hand up as if to ward off her words. “No. You were right.” The stiff smile was gone. She could read disappointment in his eyes. That is, if he’d look at her again. But he looked everywhere else.
“Well.” He took his arm from the couch and leaned his elbows on his knees. “This is awkward.”
If only he knew. She wanted to put her arms around him and tell him how much she cared for him. She wanted to tell him she didn’t mean it, that he was just the kind of man she could love. And he was. That’s why she had to end it.
He gave a wry laugh and shook his head.
“What?” she asked.
His profile gave nothing away. “It’s just the irony of it.” He stared at his hands before turning and offering her a gentle smile. “I thought we had that special something, you know?”
Yes, she knew. Boy, did she know. Even now, she wanted to be in his arms instead of across the sofa.
“It’s hard for me,” she said. “This is the first time I’ve allowed myself to open up at all to a man since Keith.”
“I’m in the same boat.”
It wasn’t the same, though. How could he know what it was like to be betrayed by the one you trusted more than anyone in the world? She couldn’t make herself that vulnerable again—not to someone who’d already been unfaithful.
“When Keith had the affair, it really rocked my world. I guess that’s why I haven’t gotten back into the dating game yet.” Right now it didn’t feel like a game at all. In fact, it felt pretty rotten.
“I have to admit, I’m disappointed. But I do appreciate your honesty.” He turned toward her again, his naked gaze baring all. “And I understand about unfaithfulness more than you know.”
She fought the urge to cover her ears. She didn’t want him to tell her about the affair he’d had. Didn’t want to sully the way she thought of him. Didn’t want to put him in the same category as Keith.
“I’ve never told another soul this, but Jillian had an affair,” he said.
It took a moment for his words to sink in. Jillian had an affair? What about his?
“It’s what we were arguing about when I wrecked the car.” He rubbed his face. “Well, I guess I did tell one other person. The officer who took my statement after the accident. I don’t even remember what I said exactly. I was a mess.”
“But … I thought …”
He looked at her, seeming to hear the confusion in her voice. “What?”
“I thought … Linn said …”
Understanding dawned on his face. “Linn told you I’d betrayed Jillian.”
Confusion warred with disbelief in her mind. She wanted to believe it, but maybe she’d misunderstood.
He shook his head. “Her dad overheard some things I said to the officer that night. He thought I was the one who’d had the affair. I didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth.”
Her heart swelled with hope, but she had to be sure. “You didn’t have an affair?” She kept her voice level, disguising any trace of expectation.
“No. I was completely faithful to her. I guess that’s why it hurt so much when she told me that night.”
Her mouth had gone dry. She should have poured herself a drink, too. But she didn’t think this little chat would take long. How was she to know her preconceptions were wrong? But this changed everything, didn’t it?
“So, I do understand about having to be ready,” he said. “It’s taken me a long time, too. And I appreciate your honesty.”
He didn’t know. He didn’t know why she’d backed away from him. And how could she tell him now that she’d already said the words?
He stood as if to leave.
But she didn’t want him to. She wanted to take back everything she’d said.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
Everything. Everything was wrong. She stood and met his gaze. “I’m afraid I owe you a big apology.”
His forehead creased, his eyes looking more gray than green at the moment.
“Sit down,” she said.
He sank right where he stood, and she sat beside him, their legs touching. He studied her, and she knew he was confused.
She felt so stupid! Why had she believed Linn when everything she knew about Kyle pointed against it?
She wet her lips. “When Linn told me weeks ago that you’d been unfaithful to Jillian, I believed her. I’m sorry—I shouldn’t have judged you without knowing the facts.”
He lifted and lowered one of his shoulders. “Water under the bridge. You don’t owe me an apology.”
But she did, couldn’t he see? She’d based her whole decision to back away from him on that one flimsy piece of evidence. How could she take back what she’d said? Oh, Lord, I’ve made a mistake. And what if he’s not interested now, after I’ve judged him and deemed him unsuitable?
She might as well tell him the whole truth. What did she have to lose now? “You don’t understand,” she said. She could feel heat pooling in her cheeks and regretted the bright overhead light she’d left on. “That was the reason I …” She forced herself to meet his gaze. “When Linn told me you’d been unfaithful, I purposely held you at arm’s length because … well, because I didn’t want to find myself involved with—”
She couldn’t finish the sentence. It was bad enough she knew how unfair she’d been, but admitting it to him was humbling.
His head reared back slowly. Ah. It was all starting to connect.
She looked away. What must he think of her? How prideful of her to play judge and jury on his life. Hadn’t she made her share of mistakes in her own marriage? What if he hadn’t wanted to be involved with her because she hadn’t been enough to hold on to Keith? Her breath felt trapped in her lungs.
She felt his hand on her chin, turning her face. She dreaded looking into his eyes, sure of the disappointment she’d see. But the gray-green of his eyes looked as inviting as a warm sea.
“I understand,” he whispered.
Her breath caught in her throat. Time froze in place. Just two words, but they meant everything. He leaned toward her so slowly she thought she’d die from anticipation. But when his lips touched hers, she knew she was wrong. She’d die from pleasure. Surely she would.
His lips teased hers softly, like a butterfly’s wings. The gentle movement started a riot inside her. His hand caressed the side of her face. She felt the back of her eyes sting.
He drew back too soon.
Those eyes. Did he know she was thoroughly captured? She wanted to reach out, take him by the collar, and pull him back toward her. She clenched her fists, afraid for a moment her body would act on the thought.
A little smile played at the corner of his lips. A smile was good, wasn’t it? His eyes crinkled at the corners in the way she loved.
“What a night,” he said. “It took me all day to work up the courage to call you and ask to come over.”
And to think she’d almost told him no. She let her eyes roam his face, wishing her fingers could follow.
“Keep looking at me like that,” he said, “and I’m going to think it’s an invitation.”
Her heart leaped. Her lips curved. “Maybe it is.” Was that her talking this way? She didn’t care who it was. All she knew was that Kyle was leaning toward her again, and in that moment, nothing else mattered.