Natalie put the bowl of macaroni and cheese on the table as Kyle placed a hot dog on each of their plates.
“Alex, your turn,” Natalie said after they were seated.
They bowed their heads, and Alex blessed the food.
The boys dug in with vigor. Natalie choked down a bite of hot dog. A week had passed since they’d found the mail bomb. Sheriff Whitco had assured her they were looking into a few leads, but she couldn’t help wonder what terrible thing was going to happen next.
Kyle had started taking her to work and picking her up. He helped her make dinner every night and stayed until after the boys went to bed. When he left her house, he always waited to hear the click of the lock. His protective attitude was endearing and his good-bye kisses breathtaking. Natalie knew Kyle wasn’t just a man she could live with. He was a man she couldn’t live without.
Kyle winked at her over a forkful of macaroni, and Natalie couldn’t help the smile that curled her lips. The boys were telling Kyle about the snake they’d seen in Grandma’s backyard today.
Natalie couldn’t believe how well Kyle fit into their little family. The boys seemed to accept him as easily as they’d accepted Linn.
Not a day passed that Natalie didn’t think about the girl. She saw her in every pregnant client that walked through the center’s doors. And she couldn’t deny that God was tugging on her heart. Sitting through Sunday services had been torture lately. It seemed Pastor Richards knew exactly what she was dealing with, although she knew that couldn’t be true.
What do you want from me, God? I don’t even know where Linn is or if she’s still pregnant. And even if I did, what could I do? Surely, You wouldn’t ask me to adopt that child.
Would He?
She stuffed the thought back into a corner of her mind. She didn’t think it was even possible. How could she raise a baby, love a baby, who’d been conceived through her husband’s betrayal?
She shook her head. It was impossible.
What is impossible with men is possible with God.
The scripture verse came unbidden. She supposed she could thank her mother for that; all those years of Bible verse drills.
She took a bite of macaroni, wondering why the boys never got tired of it.
The phone rang, and she hopped up to get it. “Hello?”
Silence sounded on the other end.
“Hello?”
She plugged her other ear against the boy’s raised voices.
Kyle put his fork down and turned to look at her with a question in his eyes.
The phone clicked as the other person hung up. A sliver of fear cut into her. Goose bumps tightened her skin. She hung up quickly, drawing her hand from the receiver as if it were poison. Her heart echoed in her chest. Why were they doing this? Should she call the sheriff? And say what? Someone just called and didnt say anything. Yeah, that would go over well. If they could just figure out who was doing all this.
“Who was it?” Kyle asked.
Aware of the boys’ eyes on her, she shrugged, and tried for nonchalance. “They hung up. Probably just a wrong number.”
Kyle’s eyes fixed on her in a knowing look. “Give me the phone.”
Before she could grab the phone, it rang again, and she jumped. She didn’t want to answer it.
“I’ll get it.” Kyle took the phone.
“Hello?”
He looked at Natalie. “Just a minute.” He handed her the phone. “I think it’s Paula.”
Natalie answered the phone.
“I only have a second,” Paula said. “But turn on the TV and watch the news, OK?”
Watch the news? “Sure, OK.”
Paula hung up, and when Natalie glanced at her watch, she saw why Paula had been in such a rush. They’d be airing in less than a minute.
“What’s up?” Kyle asked.
“She said to watch the news.”
Together they went to the great room. Kyle turned on the TV, then sat beside her on the edge of the sofa. “What do you think this is about?”
“I don’t know.”
The news jingle came on, showing Paula’s and Russ’s pictures and their logo before finally zooming in to Russ at the news desk.
“Good evening, I’m Russ Marrick.”
“And I’m Paula Landin-Cohen. Thanks for joining us. At five-twenty this afternoon, police arrested Frank Schlater at his home after finding evidence that he may have been behind the recent bomb mailed to the Jackson Hole Hope Center.” They flashed a picture of a young man on the screen.
Natalie gasped. She turned up the volume on the remote.
“Sheriff Whitco stated they were able to lift a fingerprint from the package and match it with fingerprints they had on file. It’s not yet known why Schlater may have sent the bomb, but police will investigate whether he was behind recent problems at the Hope Center, including an attack and vandalism.”
The camera switched to Russ. “Also in local news, an old hometown favorite restaurant is closing after eighteen years in business …”
Natalie turned down the volume. “I can’t believe it.”
“Who is this Frank guy?” Kyle asked.
“I don’t know. His name isn’t familiar, and I don’t recognize him either.” Could it really be over? The danger, the fear, the waiting?
“The police should know more soon. I’m just so glad you’re going to be safe now.” He drew her into his arms.
“You’re not going to have an excuse to come over every night now. Or to pick me up every morning and take me to work.”
His eyes sparkled. “Do I need an excuse?”
She answered the best way she knew how. She leaned toward him and caressed his lips with hers. He reciprocated in a way that stirred her blood and sent her belly turning flip-flops.
In the two days following Frank Schlater’s arrest, the police had sorted through all the information. Frank confessed to attacking her in her car, the vandalism, and sending the package bomb to the center. At first, Natalie figured he must be one of her client’s boyfriends, but then Sheriff Whitco had called yesterday with some startling information.
“He was hired to do it,” the sheriff had said. “He says Doctor Lewis was behind it.”
Doctor Lewis? “From the Women’s Health Clinic? But why?” He was the one Paula had interviewed on the news months ago after a bomb had ripped through his clinic. None of it made sense.
“According to Schlater, Doctor Lewis wanted to shut you down. Apparently you’ve put the hurts on his business.”
It was her job to save lives. She supposed it was the doctor’s job to take those lives. She was struck by the irony of that. “Still, though, his own clinic was bombed. It doesn’t make sense.”
“It does when you take into account that Schlater was paid to do that, too.”
“What?” She was starting to think Schlater just wanted a scapegoat.
“The good doctor wanted a little sympathy. And some new equipment, apparently.”
“I can’t believe this,” she said. She dragged a hand through her hair.
“Believe it. Case is just about wrapped up.”
She had thanked him and immediately called Kyle at his office. He’d been as baffled as her about the doctor.
The phone rang, snatching Natalie from her thoughts, and she picked it up. “Jackson Hole Hope Center.”
A slight pause. “I need to talk to someone,” a girl’s voice said.
“I’d be glad to talk with you. I’m Miss C.”
“Do I have to tell you my name?”
“No, of course not. Would you like to come here and talk?”
“No.”
“We can talk over the phone, then.”
Natalie tried to place her voice. It sounded familiar. She heard a sniff.
“I had an abortion.” The last words were choked off by tears.
Natalie’s spirit slumped. Her heart went out to the girl. “Do you want to talk about how you’re feeling?”
Natalie could hear her crying and wished she could put her arms around the girl.
“It was, like, so awful!” More crying.
But Natalie’s heart froze. Something in her voice reminded her of Linn. Oh no, God, please.
But it wasn’t. It couldn’t be. Linn wouldn’t call here for help, would she? And where else would she go? Who else did she have to help her after you practically threw her away.
She shuddered at the thought. How had she been so selfish as to put her own anger and bitterness before one of God’s children? In front of an innocent baby? Her thoughts condemned her.
“We talked before,” the girl said. “I came in a few weeks ago and took a test.”
The client who insisted she was having an abortion. Not Linn. Relief whooshed through her.
“Are you there?” the voice asked.
“I’m here.” It was all she could manage. Her throat had closed up; her mouth had gone dry. It wasn’t Linn. Her heart cheered at the thought. She had a second chance now, didn’t she? How would she use it?
But first, the girl on the phone. She talked to her, telling her about hope and forgiveness. She could hear the girl quietly crying. By the end of the conversation, she’d talked the girl into coming to the center again. It would take more than one phone call to get through a crisis like this. She hung up the phone, saddened, but confident she’d be able to help this girl.
But what about Linn? She put the thought on hold. It was something she needed to address, but later, when she had time to give it her full attention.
Later that night, after the boys were in bed, she flipped through the channels on the TV. She was restless, and she knew why. She couldn’t get Linn out of her mind. She knew she had to forgive Linn. Just as she’d known she’d had to forgive Keith when she discovered the affair. It had taken awhile, but with God’s help, she’d done it. Never once had she thrown it up in his face or told the boys what he’d done.
But can I forgive Linn too? She stole my husband, connived her way into my life, and convinced me to adopt her baby.
As she ticked off Linn’s sins, her own came racing to the forefront. She closed her eyes. She wasn’t perfect either; she realized that. But still. What Linn had done was—
Unforgivable? No, she knew she was supposed to forgive everything. How many times? Seventy times seven, Jesus had said.
She clicked off the TV and stood. She was tired of thinking. She wanted to do something else. She looked around the room at the Legos scattered in one corner and the DVDs strewn across the coffee table. Under that was two weeks of dust. Ugh. Had she really let the house go that long?
She collected the toys and stray items and put them back in their places. The Legos had spilled behind the table along the stairwell, and she pulled it out from the wall. She really should have Alex clean up his own mess.
As she dragged the table out, something caught her eye. A book. She picked it up and almost dropped it. It wasn’t a book. It was Linns journal, the one she’d been keeping for the baby. She stood motionless, her emotions clamoring. She remembered Linn standing on the staircase that day almost three months ago. Remembered vaguely the sound of her journal clanking on the table when Linn had dropped it. The feelings of shock and betrayal came racing back, but she shoved them away.
Oh, God, help me to do what’s right.
She turned from the pile of Legos, journal in hand, and sat on the sofa. She stared at the small booklet in her lap. It was pink and purple and white with hearts splattered over the cover.
Her fingers slid over the cold, smooth cover. Should she open it? She remembered how Linn had gone upstairs to get the journal that night. She’d been about to read them something she’d written.
Natalie opened the cover. The first page was solid pink and blank except for the words Linn had written there.
To my baby, with all my love,
Mom
Her heart catching, Natalie turned the page. The first entry was dated July 28.
Dear Baby,
I’ve decided to write you letters so you will have something of mine when you grow up. I want you to know how much I love you. Hopefully, when you finish reading this you will know that I am doing what is best for you.
Love, Mom
Natalie felt a lump clog her throat at Linn’s words. She truly did love the baby. She wouldn’t have had an abortion, would she? She turned to the next page, dated August 3. Before reading it, she fanned through the rest of the journal and saw there were no more entries. Her heart sunk a little, and she wondered why.
Because the entries ended when you kicked her out.
She flipped back to the second entry and began reading.
Dear Baby,
We are so lucky. There has already been so much that has happened that I want to tell you about. I have found a wonderful mommy for you. She has two boys, and she is going to love you so much. I know you already know her now. But maybe you’re a teenager like me, and you’re fighting with her all the time about your friends and grades and stuff.
I want to tell you what I know about your mommy. She has been beside me since the beginning of my pregnancy. When there was no one else who cared, she took care of me, talked to me, listened to me. And when I had no place to go, she asked me to live with her for a while. (That’s where I am right now.)
I still don’t know why she’s done all this for me. She says she cares about people because we are all God’s children. She cares about us so much that she’s going to adopt you. I don’t understand it, but I want you to grow up with a mommy like her.
Natalie blinked away the tears that stung her eyes. Linn had so much respect for her. And she didn’t deserve it.
Natalie had felt as if Linn had played her for a fool, tricking her into adopting her ex-husband’s baby. But this entry didn’t sound that way at all. Was it possible Linn was just desperate, that she’d kept quiet about her and Keith because she was scared of losing a mommy for her baby?
Linn’s words from that awful night of discovery replayed in her mind.
“I was afraid to tell you. I didn’t mean for this to happen this way.”
Natalie’s eyes went back to the page. She found her place and began reading again.
So, even though it is breaking my heart to think of losing you, I know I am doing what’s best for you. I want you to have the loving family I never had, and I know your mommy will give that to you.
Love, Mom
Natalie closed the book, her eyes starting to overflow now. She couldn’t begin to describe the emotions she was feeling. But she couldn’t deny the one that was surfacing fastest. Guilt.
Sure, Linn had done an awful thing. Two awful things. She’d stolen her husband, and she’d kept a terrible secret from Natalie. She was guilty of both of those, no getting around that.
But did she deserve to suffer forever? Did the baby deserve to suffer? For all she knew, there may be no baby now. Her stomach clenched at the thought. She knew the baby was innocent. Worthy of love. Worthy of life. But would he or she get a chance at either?
Please, God, help me do the right thing.
But what was the right thing? She remembered worrying all her life about her lack of faith. About failing God when the moment of testing came. Was this her moment of testing? Was she failing miserably?
Oh, God, give me strength! I don’t want to fail You. What should I do?
Forgive. Yes, she knew she had to do that. Her heart toward Linn had changed at the reading of the girl’s words. She could forgive a desperate girl who, out of love, wanted the best for her baby. I do. I forgive her.
She remembered hearing somewhere that the Greeks’ word picture for unforgiveness was a load tied onto another person’s back. She’d never felt the truth of that as she did now. It was as if she’d cut the rope and let loose of the terrible weight.
She closed her eyes and leaned back against the couch. Relief, such tremendous relief. She realized her unforgiveness had been about making Linn pay for what she’d done. Making Linn suffer for her mistakes. But Natalies unforgiveness had made her suffer, too.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
Natalie knew it was true. Hadn’t He worked even Keith’s affair for the good? She would never have started working at the center had Keith not left her. And how many lives had she helped touch? How many babies were alive because of Him working through her there?
And now she had a precious man in her life again, and she could see the blessing of that. Yes, God worked all things for the good of those who love Him. But I have to let Him do that. She could walk around with a grudge tied to her back for the rest of her life, but to what end? When she didn’t forgive, He couldn’t complete that good work. He couldn’t take the painful experience and make something good of it.
And then, all the pain she suffered would have been for nothing.
Thank you, Jesus, for helping me forgive again. Show me what to do.
If He’d taken her husband’s betrayal and brought good from it, what good would He do through this?
She thought of Linn and the baby she hoped Linn still carried. Could she love Linn despite what she had done?
Haven’t I loved you, despite what you have done?
It was true. Oh, Father, it’s true. Who am I to judge Linn? Help me to be merciful to her as You are merciful to me.
She knew what she had to do. She got up and paced across the room. She had to find Linn. She glanced at the clock. Impossible. It was nine thirty-two. Dark outside. She didn’t have a clue where to start.
She glanced at the calendar that hung on her wall. If Linn was still pregnant, how far along was she? She counted up the weeks. Thirty-five weeks tomorrow. Five weeks from full term.
What if Linn hadn’t been able to take care of herself? What if she hadn’t had food and water, and all the things she needed? And medical care. There was no way she’d had medical care.
Oh, Lord, don’t let her have had an abortion. She could hardly bear the thought. She could hardly bear the burden of responsibility. She shook the thought. She had to find Linn. But where to start? She looked at the phone and considered calling every hotel in the area. But there was something she wanted to do first. She wanted to tell Kyle what had happened. He’d be happy for her, that she’d found peace in her soul. And maybe he would help her find Linn.