My wise teacher Mulialofa used
to say Feet types (and a reading of their
shapes) reveal what their owners are
For a lifetime I’ve read the feet
of pilgrims from all the corners of earth
and have formulated principles of a science
(or is it an art a philosophy?) I’ve called Feetistry:
One: commoners have big feet
with soles thickened and cracked
by hard labour and neglect
Two: aristocrats’ feet are delicately moderate
(and subtly round) sensitive to rough surfaces
lingering caresses kisses and licks
Three: long thin toes mean a long life
spent on artistic and philosophical pursuits
Four: long thin toes curved upwards mean
a long life of spiritual searching
Long thin toes curved downwards mean
a long life focused on the earth-deep
emotions of the moa and heart
Five: short thick toes (characteristic of
commoners and the labouring class)
accompanied by a fat big toe mean
a short life to be misspent on food gluttony
and complaining behind your ali’is’ backs
Six: short thick toes curved downwards mean
a short brutal life of sexual satyriasis
(and perhaps incest) climaxing in heart attack
Seven: short thin toes with a stunted big toe
mean no future or one rife with poverty
Eight: this shape of sole
means a blossoming obesity
(beautiful feature of our
divine aristocratic class)
and a future of leisure and art
Nine: this shape of sole
means the threatened undernourishment of
a once prosperous aristocrat who’s mis-
spending his life on kava women
and obscene song
Ten: this shape of sole if it’s
a woman means she’s rampantly
promiscuous and greedy for class
For a man means generosity opennness
and genuine concern for everyone
Eleven: this shape of sole for a man
or woman means a life built around
an ever-demanding phallus or a brain
too big for the body — please note
the cloven heel reminiscent of the clever pig
Twelve: this shape of sole reveals
mixed ancestry of human and animal
(possibly pig) and a future centred
on the perfect navel’s philosophy
of balance and moderate demand
Thirteen: this shape of sole means
a determined achiever with firm toe
grips rooted always in our earth
to propel him forward rapidly
against all odds
Fourteen: this shape of sole for a woman
means a frightening future
full of night fears and aitu For a man
means a future of frightening
others as a fearless warrior
Fifteen: this shape of sole means mixed
ancestry of human (top-half male) and atua
(bottom-half female) — note the perfectly circled
heel symbol of Tagaloa’s
perfect universe
Sixteen: this shape of sole means mixed
ancestry of human (first half possibly
pederast) and atua (second half possibly
lesbian) who mated standing up
possibly to overcome their true natures
Seventeen: this shape of sole for a woman
means miserliness and no alofa for relatives
and others — a secret eater
For a man means admirable vanity
keeping in good fit physical shape
Eighteen: this shape of sole is that
of a generous and jovial nature
but with sloppy personal habits and
the ugly tendency to spit
often and everywhere
Nineteen: this shape of sole means
a staunch fearless heart and liver
but of little brains and the inclination
to squat back be lazy
and evacuate often and in huge heaps
Twenty: this shape of sole for a woman
means patience the tendency to nag but
with attention always to fine detail For a man
means a cowardly complaining nature
The v-shaped heel reveals suicidal tendencies
Using the principles I’ve outlined
I’ve ‘read’ the feet of four people I know well
But as a true scientist-taulaaitu-artist
and humble poet I’ve tried to maintain
my objectivity:
One: this shape of sole is Auva’a’s
and proves his exceptional intelligence
and wisdom potency and virility
(His harem numbers 20 wives and concubines
—and he’s in his lucid eighties!)
The long sole lines and circled heel show
his undoubted powers of spirituality
prophecy and his adherence to the Va-
view of Reality (However the imperfect over-
all shape of sole is true to his manipulative nature)
Two: this shape of sole is Our Lady’s
symmetrical and perfect in shape
The fern-shape on the heel is Her perfect
Spirituality and Va-view of Reality
The fan-shaped lines under the toes
reveal unmatchable courage but also
the tendency to boast about achievements
and feats — not a flaw if you’re
an atua mind you The faint but definite
aura line is undeniable proof of divinity
Three: this Shape of Sole is our Great Creator’s —
doubly-divine (note the double aura lines)
Totally atua for all His creations
to see into it whatever they want
whatever they need
Six toes? Cloven heel? Again He’s granted
us freewill to interpret even those
whatever way we wish (Thank you
Supreme Father in Heaven for your
Gift of Freewill and forgive us if we misread your Sole)
Four (but a footnote): this shape of sole
is your humble servant’s: thin upturned
toes show sensitivity spirituality and
artistic gifts The symmetry proves
well-balanced appetites and mind
The long lines around the inner sole convince
of the wise Va-view of life (and
a hatred of violence and brute force)
The two inner circles prove your humble servant’s
ability to control the senses and enjoy
even long periods of celibacy during
which he composes his most-inspired solo
The delicately dainty small toe speaks
of modesty reticence (and love of
the small and common people)
The faint aura line around the heel
could mean possible future deification
or at least an extremely long and
prosperous life devoted (wholly) to serving
(unstintingly) Our Lady and Our Supreme Creator