part0010

“Action is a great restorer and builder of confidence. Inaction is not only the result, but the cause, of fear. Perhaps the action you take will be successful; perhaps different action or adjustments will have to follow. But any action is better than no action at all.”

Most of what I teach in my courses and my books is not rocket science. It’s fairly straightforward knowledge that many of us already have. The problem is that even though we know a lot, we don’t do anything with that knowledge. If we don’t take action and apply what we’ve learned, it just falls out of our brain. I’ve been to plenty of courses and read lots of books that were fascinating, and I felt certain I was going to implement what they taught me (and totally transform my life for the better), but life got busy, and a month later, the concepts I’d learned were a fuzzy blur that teetered on the edge of my memory. Two months later, they’d disappeared altogether.

But here’s the incentive to actually apply what you’re learning here: if we keep taking the same actions, we’ll get the same results.

When you’re stressed out, that stress is having a negative impact on your mental and physical health and likely on the people you care about as well. If you keep doing what you’ve been doing, things are only going to get worse. It’s time to take action.

Often it appears to be something on the surface, but if we dig down, we realize it’s more complicated than it first seemed. The first personal responsibility question, Why is this so upsetting for me? can usually help us identify the source of our stress.

Years ago, when I first started my business, I coached Suzanne. Suzanne was a highly organized professional in her late thirties who was feeling very overwhelmed at work. She had five different projects, seven staff, a different deadline every day, and at every weekly meeting, her manager gave Suzanne even more work.

Suzanne was sure that work overload was the source of her stress. Each month, we identified strategies to help her deal with her work overload, including having a conversation with her manager.

After a few months of coaching, Suzanne was even more stressed—she didn’t seem to be taking the actions we had discussed, and she was getting frustrated, both with coaching and with herself. I soon realized that I’d misdiagnosed the source of Suzanne’s stress, as had she.

Finally, I said, “For the last three months, we’ve been talking about you meeting with your manager to deal with your work overload, yet you never get around to it. Why do you think that is?”

I should have been asking myself the same question. Suzanne was a highly motivated and productive person. If she wasn’t taking action, it’s possible I was missing something.

“You’re complaining to the wrong people, but you need to be talking to the right person—your manager—not to complain, but to express your concerns.” I was really pushing her because I wanted to see her take action and get some relief from her stress.

“If you don’t want your boss to see you as a complainer, one of the best strategies is to start off the conversation taking personal responsibility. What have we discussed as your role in this situation?”

“I know that I just keep saying yes even when I’m feeling overwhelmed because it’s hard to say no. And I like to take on challenges.”

“I’ve never asked why she is giving me all this work. Sometimes I feel really frustrated because it appears that she is giving me more work than some of her other staff. I don’t know if it’s because she expects more of me, or if she just knows I’ll do it, or what. But it bothers me.” Suzanne’s voice grew stronger as she spoke, and her body language grew more tense.

“So that’s your biggest frustration?” I asked, getting a glimpse of understanding that we might have been off track in our first few conversations. I’d been like a doctor who diagnosed the symptom (feeling overworked and overwhelmed) rather than the disease (not knowing what her manager expects of her and feeling unfairly treated).

“Yes! Definitely. Especially because now that we’re talking about it—that’s stressing me out way more than the workload. Why do I have so many more projects than her other staff?”

Bingo. She now had identified the real source of her stress: frustration at not being treated fairly. That insight energized her to take action. She committed to having the conversation that she’d been avoiding and getting a clear understanding of her manager’s expectations. We planned out the conversation and practiced some ways of bringing it up.

When we met the next month, I asked Suzanne, “So, did you have the conversation?” I was happily surprised when her answer was a resounding yes.

“I was nervous, so I memorized what we’d practiced. I probably sounded rehearsed, but it was worth it. I said, ‘I’ve noticed that I seem to have about three more projects than everyone else who works for you, and I’m just really curious about why that is. Can you help me understand it?’”

“Totally. I was raised to never question authority, just to keep my head down and do what I was told. But it went really well.” She smiled, clearly proud of herself .

“Tell me more.” I was thrilled that we’d finally found the source of her stress, and she’d been able to push past her fear and take action.

“My manager explained the difference between all the portfolios to me and why so many more projects fell under me. It was the first conversation we’d had in the whole three years that I’ve worked for her where I really understood everyone’s roles. Then she asked if I was finding it too much. I almost said no, but then I told her that I was finding it hard to keep the quality of my work high, and that was really important to me. And you are not going to believe this . . .” She leaned in, her blue eyes bright.

“She apologized. To me.” Suzanne shook her head, clearly still astounded. “She said she knew it was a higher workload than was reasonable, but I seemed so calm about it that she just kept adding more projects. She also said that I was the best project manager she’d ever had, so she did pile more work onto me. She told me she thought of me as her successor.”

“Amazing. I finally know why I have more projects—partly because my role requires it, and partly because she thinks I’m really good at my job. Those are way better reasons than all the ones I’d been making up.”

“Then she thanked me for talking to her and said she realized we need to have a team meeting to clarify everyone’s roles and portfolios and find a way to distribute the work a bit more evenly.” Suzanne sighed and leaned back into her chair. “I’m so glad I finally talked to her. I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my chest.”

Suzanne had been able to take action after we identified the true source of her stress: the feeling that she was being treated unfairly. Having the conversation with her manager required tremendous courage based on the way she’d been raised, but she did it. And she got great results: she finally had a strong understanding of her role and her relationship with her manager .

If you’re having trouble identifying the true source of your stress, ask yourself the first personal responsibility question: Why is this situation so upsetting for me? The answer should help you zone in on the source of your stress.

I have coached so many people who feel hopeless about workplace stress. They feel disempowered and frustrated, and, rather than taking action, they continue to allow the stress to impact them. If there is something that causes you stress at work, identify its source and take action.

Do something! Anything! Taking action will reduce your stress even if you don’t get the result you were hoping for. Nobody gets a perfect outcome every time they address their stress, but most people feel more energized and empowered after taking action because they’ve taken their power back.

If you don’t know how to do a task, ask someone to teach you. If you’re underperforming or receiving negative feedback, ask for clear direction on what you need to do to improve and then do it. If you’re having difficulty working with someone, have a conversation with them to address and resolve your concerns .

If you don’t have clarity about your role, job expectations, direction, or priorities, it’s okay to ask. Set up a meeting and ask your manager for clarity. Keep asking until you have the information you need. Be sure to do so in a respectful way, approach with curiosity, and recognize that others might be just as stressed out as you are, possibly more.

If your manager can’t give you clarity, ask them to find out what you need to know so they can get back to you. And if you still can’t get clarity, it means the organization and the people above you don’t necessarily have clarity either, so go ahead and make things clear for yourself. Set your own goals, priorities, and direction. Put them in writing. Make sure you keep your manager in the loop, and let them know what you’re working on, so they can correct you if you go off track. When you’re taking action, you’re managing your stress.

Years ago, when I went back to work after a maternity leave, I returned to my organization in a new role, developing leadership programs. My manager was off on a two-month health leave when I started. I had no idea what I was expected to do. I’d returned to work feeling excited and full of ideas, but I was soon feeling frustrated and uncertain as to how to proceed.

I talked to a colleague whose wise advice was: “If they didn’t give you direction and there’s no one around to clarify things for you, forge your own path.” So I did. Taking action reduced my stress and helped me be more productive and engaged. I figured that when my manager returned, it was better to show her something rather than admit I had just spun in circles. When she did return, she was pleased with the work I’d started. We made a few tweaks, and I continued working on the project.

If you aren’t getting the direction you need, set goals that feel relevant to the work and move towards them. When you have the courage to take action, your stress will decrease and you’ll feel energized.

We can manage many of our stressors by simply addressing them. Focus on the potential rewards of addressing your stressors and that will help you to push through your fear so that you can take action .

One way you can take action to reduce your stress is to ask for help. I know, worst idea ever, right? It’s hard to ask for help. Because we live in a culture that values self-sufficiency and independence far too much, some people even find it embarrassing. But we are tribal people who no longer have our natural tribes, and if we’re going to survive, we have to start asking for help.

I run my own business and I have a husband who travels for work, two young children, and no family in town. This means I ask for help on a frequent basis. I ask other consultants to help with teaching when I get big projects; I ask friends to help with picking up my kids or dropping them off when I’m teaching at odd hours; I ask really good friends to come and stay with one of my kids in the middle of the night when I have to take the other one to the hospital. I’ve gotten very good at asking for help, and it has strengthened and deepened my relationships.

One of the best ways you can ask for help doesn’t even involve asking, you just have to say yes when people offer. When someone asks, “What can I do to help?” don’t say, “I’m fine, thanks.” Delete that response from your vocabulary. Instead, find something they can do to help. Anything. It can be the littlest thing imaginable—helping you with a project, bringing over a meal, taking over one small piece of your work.

By accepting people’s offers of help, you are setting a precedent. You are saying, yes, I will let you help me. You are inviting them to be closer to you. If we are in a tough spot, at work or at home, people want to help. When we deny them that opportunity, we aren’t strengthening our relationships, we are pushing people away rather than bringing them close.

Now if you are in that awkward spot where you need help and no one has offered, what do you do? You ask. I know that many of you would rather die alone and friendless. I get it. Here are a few strategies to make it easier:

Start small. Ask someone that you are pretty sure will say yes to help you with something small. Then accept their help graciously. Even if things didn’t turn out exactly the way you had hoped, be grateful that they helped you. Now keep doing it. Build up to bigger requests as needed.

Be direct and specific. Sometimes we are so uncomfortable asking for help that we don’t really come out and ask for what we need. We talk our way around it and then feel frustrated when the person we are talking to hasn’t picked up our cues. State your request clearly and calmly and always provide an option to say no.

When I ask people for help, I always end my request with, “If you can’t swing it, I have a few other people to ask, so please feel free to say no.” If someone says no, I thank them for being honest with me and acknowledge that it’s hard to say no. If someone has said no to your request for help, keep treating them the exact same way you always have. Don’t judge people for not being willing or able to help you. You have no idea what might be going on for them.

Appreciate and thank people when they do help you. This especially goes for family. Don’t take it for granted when a family member helps out. It’s a gift. It’s amazing. They are giving you their precious time. They have other time pressures and needs, and they are helping you. Thank them. Genuinely and graciously.

Help other people. A friend of mine commented that I was really good at asking for help. I echoed that sentiment back to her as she had frequently asked me to help her out in moments when she was stuck for childcare. She laughed and said that I was the only person she ever asked for help. Why? Because I asked her for help frequently, it freed her up to ask me for help. See what a gift you are giving people by asking for help? You’re leading by example, showing them it’s okay to be vulnerable and ask for help too. When we help each other, everyone benefits.

Do you have difficulty asking for help? If so, what do you do to make it easier? We all need help. Not one of us can live life well on our own. The more we connect through helping each other, the better our world becomes, one small act at a time. Asking for help weaves our relationships more closely together which helps us all be more effective .

Taking action often requires courage. It can be frightening to deal with a stressful situation, make a big change, set boundaries, ask for help, or have a difficult conversation. But it’s way better than doing nothing. Many people avoid dealing with difficult people or situations, hoping that the problem will magically resolve itself. It won’t. The longer you wait, the more difficult it becomes. We’ve all lived it. I promise that whatever difficult situation you’re dreading dealing with, it’s not going to get better with time, it’s going to get worse. So, take a deep breath, find your courage, and dive in.

Whatever your workplace stressor is, be it work overload, lack of clarity, or interpersonal conflicts, you can take initial action by having a conversation and bringing up your concerns. It might be scary, but it’s better than cringing in the corner, just hoping that things will improve.

The reason most of us don’t take action is that we associate taking action with pain. We don’t want to have a difficult conversation because we fear it won’t go well. We don’t start that project because we are dreading all the work it entails.

Neuroscience has found that our brains are wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain. Dr. Evian Gordon, the founder of the Brain Resource Company, found that “everything you do in life is based on your brain’s determination to minimize danger or maximize reward.” 1 This means that we make decisions and take action based on whether we are seeing a threat (pain) or a reward (pleasure).

When we can reframe the situation and envision that taking action will bring us pleasure rather than pain, it makes it much easier to take action.

Let’s look at how one of my clients managed to reframe a situation to focus more on the potential rewards than the potential threats of taking action and having a difficult conversation.

Harpreet asked me to coach her through dealing with a difficult manager. Her manager needed to be in charge of making decisions, changed direction on Harpreet frequently, was critical of Harpreet’s suggestions and ideas.

Harpreet was in her early thirties and had a great deal of confidence. She worked in a high-paced, high-pressure catering company and had worked for difficult people before, but this manager was really getting under her skin. Harpreet didn’t feel comfortable with conflict and preferred to go along to get along. This approach had worked for her in the past, but because she was feeling bullied by her manager, she knew she had to have a difficult conversation and deal with the potential conflict that might arise from it.

Having been to my leadership courses, she knew the value of giving feedback but was still very nervous about having the conversation. We started by focusing on how to give her manager specific feedback.

“Is there something that has happened in the last week or two, or anything specific that prompted you to ask for some coaching?” I asked.

“Yes! Last week I’d arranged an event based on his specific directions. We were only a day away from the event when he completely changed everything.”

“That sounds quite frustrating, and I can see why you would be really upset. When you say he completely changed everything, that’s a bit vague. Can you give me some specific examples of what he changed?”

We talked the situation through, and Harpreet was able to find a way to word her feedback that was both specific and identified the impact. Here’s what she came up with:

“When you asked me to use a smaller room for the event as well as switch out some of the menu items the day before the event, I had to work five hours late into the night before the event just to implement everything you wanted. A number of people were very frustrated with me, and I felt that the event wasn’t as good as it could have been due to the last-minute changes and the stress and frustration they caused.”

“I know that I need to give him this feedback. I just really don’t want to. I’m afraid it’s going to go badly. I feel really uncomfortable with conflict, and I can’t see this ending up any other way.”

“What’s the worst that could happen if you have this conversation and it goes sideways?” I asked her, zoning in on the possible threats.

“That he will be upset and get angry or defensive. It’ll be an awkward conversation, and afterward, he’ll be even more difficult and critical. And he’ll make my life more difficult at work than he already has. He might even fire me.” The words flew out in a stream of anxiety. She was seeing a lot of threats.

“I can see why you’d be nervous about having the conversation; none of those things happening would be a great outcome. But could you survive all those things happening?” I asked that question because I wanted to reduce her fear of the threat. By identifying what we most fear and realizing we could survive it, we relax.

She smiled. “Yes. I could. It might even be a good thing if he fired me. I can’t keep working with him the way he is, so I need to speak up. If he fires me, I’ll find another job with someone easier to work with.” She visibly relaxed.

“Okay, what’s the best thing that could happen if you gave him this feedback?” I asked. I wanted to help her focus more on a potential reward than on the threat she’d been concentrating on.

“That he really gets it and stops undermining my decisions and changing things at the last minute just to show that he’s the boss. He’ll see me standing up for myself, and he’ll stop bullying me,” she said.

“Would it ever! If he would stop pulling this control-freak stuff, I’d be so much happier. Talking to him might actually get through to him.” She smiled and there was a lightness to it that I hadn’t seen before.

Harpreet was thinking about potential rewards and threats based on her manager’s response. I reminded her that ultimately, she couldn’t control how he responded, and, instead, we talked about a potential reward she could control: her ability to step into her power, deal with conflict, and survive.

“Even if you don’t get either outcome—he doesn’t behave any better or worse—how will you feel if you give him this feedback? ”

“Horrible, like I’m letting him walk all over me. Every time he does this to me, I’ll just be more frustrated and upset—not just upset with him but upset with myself for not saying anything.”

Here was our opportunity to reframe taking action to have the conversation as a potential reward that was completely within Harpreet’s control, rather than as a potential threat.

“It sounds to me like you feel pretty nervous about how your manager is going to respond to this feedback, but you also feel pretty strongly that you need to stand up for yourself. Standing up for yourself would be a really good outcome, regardless of how your manager responds,” I said.

“Can you go into the conversation with absolutely no expectations about him changing his behavior, but just concentrate on speaking your mind, standing up for yourself, and doing what you can to take care of yourself in the situation?”

By framing the situation this way, Harpreet could see a big reward: she’d be taking her power back rather than continuing to let her manager walk all over her.

Her brown eyes brightened. “That I can do. If I focus on standing up for myself, that’s enough incentive to get me through the scary parts.”

When we next met, I was thrilled to learn that Harpreet had been courageous enough to have the conversation she’d been dreading. She told me, “It went better than I expected—he didn’t yell at me—I felt calm and powerful when I spoke with him. ”

She was still astounded that it had gone as well as it did, but a few weeks later, he started pulling all the same behavior again. Harpreet knew that she couldn’t change her manager, so she focused on herself and what she could do in the situation. She started looking and found another job within a month. She’s never been happier, not only because she’s working for a far more reasonable manager, but because she’s learned to stand up for herself and face conflict.

Think about the other stories I’ve shared with you about some of my clients. What was stopping them from taking action? Often it was the fear of pain and viewing action as a possible threat. They were motivated to take action by reframing the situation and seeing a potential reward.

George was worried his manager would fire him if he brought up his concerns, but he realized that if he did nothing, his pain would be even greater. Seeing the potential reward of reducing his stress and having a better working relationship with his new manager motivated him to have the conversation.

Suzanne was terrified to have a conversation with her manager—she’d been raised not to question authority. Having that conversation was a threat to her very identity. Yet she had the courage to do it because she could see the potential reward of fixing something that she perceived to be unfair.

Too many people fall into the trap of feeling anxious and watching the situation get increasingly worse, but they do nothing about it. They put all their focus on the potential threats, rather than on the potential reward of addressing their challenges and improving the situation.

There is always something to be done. We just need to figure out what it is and then have the courage to do it. Focusing on the potential rewards can give us the courage to take action.

When we focus on what we can control and how we want to influence a situation and take action towards getting there, our energy and productivity increase immensely. Instead of being drained by the person or situation that is stressing us out, we feel energized by where we’re headed and the actions we’re taking to get there. The more action we take, the better results we see and the more inspired we are to take further action. Instead of the vicious cycle of stress, it’s the energizing cycle of taking action.

The strategy of taking action seems simple, but it can be very challenging. Most of us know what we should do, we just don’t want to do it. It’s difficult to break unhealthy patterns, give someone feedback, or leave work when there’s piles of work still to do. But it’s time to take control of the situation.

Think about the action you need to take and then go do it. It’s really that simple. Identify what the true source of your stress is, reframe situations so you can see potential rewards, rather than just possible threats. Then take the appropriate actions to reduce the impact of the stressor on you.

There’s going to be plenty more action to take in the following chapters, so you might as well start now. If you want less stress and higher productivity, you’re going to have to take different actions. You’re primed, you bought the book, you made it through two chapters, and you’ve identified some changes you need to make. Now’s the time to strike while the iron is hot.