part0020

Our beliefs are very powerful. They can dramatically impact the results we get in every area of our lives. What we believe about ourselves and the world leads to our behavior and the experiences we have. Our beliefs form the basis of the stories we tell ourselves to make meaning of our lives and how we interpret our experiences can completely change the course of our lives.

It doesn’t matter if a belief is right or wrong. A belief is simply a filter for how we experience the world. For example, I believe that people are fundamentally good. I seek and find evidence of this belief everywhere. I have a friend who believes that people are fundamentally bad. He finds evidence to support that belief on a regular basis (which he loves to share with me, then I counter with my evidence that people are good). We are both right because we’ve found evidence to support our beliefs. What matters most is what we are choosing to believe and how those beliefs influence us and what we choose to pay attention to. I would argue that I’m happier than my friend because the evidence I’ve found leads to better life experiences. He would likely agree.

The specific beliefs we have don’t matter as much as our awareness of them and how they impact our lives. When we become more aware of our beliefs and the impact they have on our behavior and our experience of life, we can decide if we want to hold on to those beliefs or change them.

Many of our beliefs are unconscious; we aren’t even aware of them or how they are driving our behavior.

For example, let’s say that someone doesn’t respond to a text or an e-mail we’ve sent them. We will often automatically go to a natural response . That response might be anger because we believe that we are being disrespected. Or that response might be feeling insecure because we believe we aren’t important enough for them to bother responding to.

Those responses feel natural because we’ve had those underlying beliefs (people don’t respect me, I’m not good enough) for so long that we’re hardwired to react based on those beliefs. But there are a million different ways to react to someone who is not responding to our e-mail or text that we might want to choose instead.

Maybe we’ll choose to believe that another person’s behavior rarely has anything to do with us and think, Wow, that person must be really overwhelmed .

We increase or decrease our stress levels based on our beliefs and the behavior that follows from them. Choosing to see someone’s lack of response as disrespectful and getting angry creates a lot more stress than sending them a quick follow-up because you think they’ve forgotten to respond due to being really busy .

The key is to be aware of our beliefs and consciously choose them, rather than just letting our beliefs drive our behavior without any awareness. We’re all carrying some long-held, deep-seated beliefs that may or may not serve us. Once we become aware of them, we can decide whether we want to keep those beliefs or trade them in for beliefs that will make our lives easier.

Lately, when our kids are being difficult or scheduling becomes a challenge, my husband will look at me, shake his head, and say, “Nothing’s ever easy.”

The first few times he said this, I shrugged and laughed. Then I realized that his belief was causing him unnecessary stress. He was focused on finding all kinds of evidence to support his belief that things weren’t easy. And then things were less easy.

So, I told him my theory and we had a long and interesting talk—discussing the concept of belief influencing our reality with an engineer is fascinating. He wasn’t 100 percent convinced, but he was willing to go along with me. He may be an engineer, but he’s a husband first!

I suggested that he look for evidence that sometimes things flow really smoothly and are actually quite easy. (Yes, I’m super fun to be married to—really, I am.)

He hasn’t been saying “nothing’s ever easy” lately, and I’ve certainly noticed things running far more smoothly (but, of course, I would because it supports my belief).

It doesn’t matter whether I’m right or wrong, it only matters that I believe it. Because when I believe something, it determines how I view the world, how I make sense of my experiences, and how I behave. Our beliefs can cause us a lot of stress, or they can make life easier, which is why it’s so important that we become aware of our beliefs.

The beliefs that have the most powerful influence over our behavior are our beliefs about ourselves. If I believe that I’m pretty smart, I’m going to behave quite differently than if I believe I’m not smart enough. Believing I’m capable gets me different results than believing I’m incapable. Believing I’m good enough leads to different behavior and outcomes than believing I’ll never be good enough.

Our beliefs about ourselves drive the choices we make in life. If you believe you’re awesome and can do anything, you’ll probably live a very different life than someone who believes they’re useless and incompetent. Whatever you believe, you’ll easily find evidence to support that belief. I can find plenty of examples from today that I’m totally competent. For example, I had a call with a new client and got a huge contract in less than ten minutes; I designed an excellent new course on self-care that one of my clients was really happy with; I got my kids to school with no one screaming or crying.

I can also find some great examples of incompetence in my day. I forgot to give my daughter breakfast; I am two weeks behind my deadline for completing this book; I can’t download a book from the library onto my Kobo to save my life; and I’ve forgotten my iCloud password yet again. Whether I believe I am competent or incompetent all depends on what I focus on.

Being the positive thinker that I am, I feel like I’m on fire today—did I mention I got the kids to school with no one screaming or crying?

Believing in yourself can have positive impacts on your results. According to research, students with high self-efficacy (belief in their abilities to succeed) display better academic performance than those with low self-efficacy. 1 Our belief in ourselves is more important than our knowledge or abilities. This isn’t limited to our experience as students. A recent Melbourne study “found a strong correlation between confidence and occupational success.” 2

Being confident and believing in yourself doesn’t always stem from your skills; it comes from your beliefs about yourself. I’ve met plenty of confident people who don’t have all the right skills for their work, but they do have the mindset they need to succeed. If you’re confident that you can learn the skills you need and you believe you can resolve whatever challenges come your way, you’ll be more successful than if you doubt yourself.

How often are you holding yourself back simply by doubting yourself? Women can be especially guilty of this: “A Hewlett Packard internal report found that men apply for a job or promotion when they meet only 60% of the qualifications, but women apply only if they meet 100% of them. What doomed them was not their actual ability, but rather the decision not to try.” 3

When we start believing in ourselves, we give ourselves a true chance at success. Our beliefs about ourselves are a far stronger predictor of our success than any of our abilities, so let’s focus on building positive and empowering beliefs.

I’ve found the best way to identify your beliefs is to look at your life. It’s a direct reflection of what you believe. Have a look at the areas of your life that are working really well and identify the beliefs you want to hold on to because they are serving you. Then have a look at the areas of your life that aren’t so great and identify the beliefs that you need to change.

One belief I’ve had for most of my life is that I have to “hustle for my worthiness,” as researcher Brené Brown so aptly puts it. When I first read that concept, it was like a chime went off in my heart—yes, that’s me! I used to feel like I had to work hard to prove to myself and others that I was good enough. I thought I had to be doing something worthwhile in order to be worthy of taking up space on the planet, instead of trusting that I’m worthy and good enough just as I am. But that belief is changing, and my life circumstances are changing to reflect it.

Fifteen years ago, I was dating guys with commitment issues, I lived in a four-hundred square foot apartment that I could barely afford, and I worked at a really hard job that consumed all of my mental and emotional resources. I hustled and hustled, and I still didn’t feel worthy.

Finally, I realized that hustling wasn’t getting me anywhere, and that maybe I should look at some of the beliefs I had that might be causing me some problems. I stopped hustling, and I put a lot of time, effort, and money into counselling, self-help books, and personal development retreats. Slowly but surely, I began to believe that I was worthy .

Now, I’m married to an amazing, loving man, I run my own business, and I earn three times as much as I did then. We live in a great house that we really enjoy, and I’ve finally got the wild and wonderful little kids I’d dreamt of for so long. I still find myself occasionally hustling and trying too hard, but it’s a lot less of an issue than it once was. After all that personal development work, I finally feel worthy just for existing. No hustling required.

My new beliefs are based on some intense personal development work I did almost fifteen years ago. My teachers helped me identify my limiting beliefs, and then we worked together to identify replacement beliefs. A few of my replacement beliefs include: I am absolutely good enough, I am completely perfect, and I am completely lovable. When I first started repeating these statements to myself, I didn’t believe them at all. But over time, by searching for evidence to support these beliefs and finding it, I now wholeheartedly believe that I’m absolutely good enough and completely lovable. On some days I even believe I’m completely perfect (I’ll probably need another few decades before I lock that one in).

Man, do I love these new beliefs. They’re a thousand times more energizing and significantly less stressful than “I need to hustle for my worthiness.”

After you’ve looked at the areas of your life that you want to change, create a new replacement belief and start believing it. The replacement belief is sometimes called an affirmation—we may not believe in it initially but when we affirm it in our minds, we can move towards believing it. An affirmation or replacement belief should be short, present tense, and powerful. A simple example is identifying a belief you might have, like, “I could never be a (insert your dream job here),” and replacing it with the affirmation, “I’m competent and capable. I’m a great (insert your dream job here).” This affirmation won’t feel true because it isn’t true yet, but when we believe something and seek evidence to support our belief and take steps towards achieving our desired reality, it becomes true.

I spent about three years repeating the affirmation “I’m in a loving, healthy marriage with an amazing man.” But I didn’t just do the affirmation, I also joined online dating sites, went on dates, and did personal development work. We need to believe in ourselves and take action to achieve our goals.

Dealing with our core beliefs about ourselves is not easy. Exploring our childhood experiences and why we believe certain things about ourselves can be challenging, complicated, and sometimes quite painful. Working with a coach, a counselor, a support group, or attending personal development retreats or workshops can be valuable ways of identifying and questioning our core beliefs. I’ve also listed some books in the resources section specific to working with your beliefs. Changing our self-limiting beliefs is a challenging and rewarding process that doesn’t usually happen overnight. I went to my first personal development retreat over twenty years ago, and I’m still working on changing some of my self-limiting beliefs.

We all have beliefs that drive our behaviors. Most of the time, we aren’t aware of those beliefs, but when we stop and examine them, we will sometimes find that they don’t serve us. Some of us might believe that we’ll never be good enough to get promoted or that people don’t like us or that we’re failing miserably in some aspect of our lives.

Those self-limiting beliefs are holding us back. We don’t put ourselves out there, or take risks, or be authentic, and then we don’t get anywhere. As Canadian hockey legend Wayne Gretzky says, “You miss one hundred percent of the shots you don’t take.” Once we’ve identified our self-limiting beliefs, we can choose different beliefs that serve us.

I used to believe that I should only work in not-for-profits because that was where I could do the most meaningful work. And I believed I had to do meaningful work because I wasn’t good enough. Doing meaningful work would validate my existence. Hustle, hustle, hustle. Super healthy belief.

I spent nearly two decades doing very meaningful work in not-for-profits. I worked with some incredibly wise and inspiring people who came to their work from a healthy desire to do good in the world. I had some amazing experiences, contributed a great deal, learned a lot, and eventually gave it up. I had to: I was burned out, broke, and done with the belief that I wasn’t good enough. I stopped hustling for my worthiness.

I uncovered my belief about why I worked in not-for-profits when I was at a ten-day personal development retreat. That was the same retreat where I replaced my self-limiting beliefs with healthy and empowering beliefs. It was only when I questioned some of my beliefs that I was able to make changes. Without the insights I experienced at the retreat, I might never have made the changes that have allowed me to grow.

Many of the beliefs we have about ourselves aren’t even ours. We have adopted them from our parents or our siblings or our teachers. Those people didn’t know the whole of us then, and they sure don’t know who we are now. I remember my lovely grade eight teacher, Mr. Wills, taking me aside and explaining that if I didn’t get over my shyness, I’d never be able to succeed. I was the kind of kid who turned bright red when called on in class and never ever spoke up willingly.

I’m not shy anymore. I’m one of those rare people that loves speaking to large groups—either teaching or giving conference presentations. I’m not the same person I was when I was in grade eight. Neither are you. Thank goodness. Let’s let go of the beliefs we might have taken on way back then and question them. Then we can make some conscious choices about what we want to believe about ourselves.

I spent ten years telling myself over and over again, “I’m absolutely good enough. I’m completely lovable.” I told myself these things repeatedly in order to build a new belief. Then I looked for evidence to support the new belief. It felt strange and I know it might seem cheesy and weird, but it helped. What have you got to lose by trying it?

The only thing that changed was my belief. I have always been good enough and lovable. The difference is, now I feel lovable and worthy. With this new belief, the circumstances of my life have dramatically improved .

Changing our beliefs about ourselves is no easy feat, but it’s a challenge worth taking on because it can change our entire lives.

Think about what some of your beliefs about work are. Often, we can identify our beliefs by looking at our parents’ beliefs or work ethics. We’ll usually be the same or the polar opposite.

I had one client who genuinely believed that he was only doing a good job and showing his commitment when he was super stressed out and overworked. His core belief was: “If it doesn’t hurt, you’re not giving enough.”

It took some time to uncover this core belief, but when we did, he realized it was destroying him and wreaking havoc on his family life. When we further explored his work situation, he realized that he was actually a far better employee when he was relaxed and well rested. He found a way to replace his belief with a new one, “When I take care of myself, I can give more.”

As we talked about his belief, he recognized that it wasn’t his. He grew up with a father who worked two jobs and was always stressed. That became my client’s vision of being a good provider and a good employee even though his circumstances were vastly different than his father’s had been.

Are you a workaholic because your mother was? Or are you not living up to your potential and taking on new challenges because you don’t want to be like her? Do you get highly stressed about deadlines because that’s how your father always reacted? Or maybe you think you’ll never be good enough because you had one of those annoying older siblings who always outshone you. Our beliefs lead to our results. When we examine our beliefs about work, we’ll often find that we want to replace them.

For example, when I decided to write and publish this book, I was a bit unrealistic with my timeline and how it would work with the other demands in my life. I decided that I’d write two drafts of the book in September and October and get it to the editor by the end of October. Because that’s realistic, right? Just to be clear, I wasn’t spending eight hours a day writing. No, over those two months, my husband and I had seven different business trips between us. My daughter had just started kindergarten, so I spent the first two weeks of September in kindergarten transition. My kids had after-school activities; I had two leadership retreats to facilitate, many clients to coach, courses to build and teach; and a deadline for my book—all this, and I was solo-parenting on the weeks that my husband was traveling .

So, I was a bit stressed out while writing a book about reducing workplace stress. Talk about writing the book you need to read.

What really caused me stress was my behaviors. I was unrealistic about what I could accomplish, and I put unnecessary pressure on myself. I didn’t say no to work even when my schedule was getting really full. I have a habit of filling my time just a little too full. I like to think it’s the optimist in me. Of course, I can do it all and then some. Except I can’t. I get it all done, but just barely, and I feel stressed out and overwhelmed, then I dial it back a bit. Three months later, I’ve forgotten what that felt like, and I take on too much once more. Sometimes I fall into the trap of hustling. It’s a cycle I’m working hard to break now that I’m more aware of it. Working Well is a practice. We have to live it and learn it over and over again, day in and day out.

The first step to reducing my stress was to recognize the behaviors I engaged in that significantly increased my stress. With awareness, we can make different choices.

I encourage you to pay attention to your behaviors and the beliefs that drive them. Are you hustling for your worthiness? Or operating from beliefs based in fear or lack? When we become more aware of these beliefs and behaviors, we can make different choices. Those choices will ultimately yield different results—hopefully, less stressful and more pleasurable ones. A few of the behaviors I have engaged in in the past that caused me stress include the following:

Take a minute right now and think about one behavior you have that causes you stress. It likely stems from an unhealthy belief. What is a replacement belief that would serve you better? Give the replacement belief a try and see what happens. Ideally, it’ll lead to different behavior.

Your new beliefs and behaviors will probably feel awkward and uncomfortable, and it’ll be tempting to go back to your lovely, comfortable, childhood beliefs. I still fall into the trap of hustling for my worthiness, but I catch myself fairly quickly. I remind myself there’s no need to hustle, I’m absolutely good enough and completely lovable . It sounds hokey, but it works because it interrupts the old belief.

I behave differently now that I’m more aware of how I’m causing my own stress. I keep learning as I go. In writing the final few drafts of this book, I’ve loosened up the tight deadlines and said no to paid consulting work in order to schedule writing time. If I ever write another non-fiction book, I’ll know that it takes me six months to do the writing, not two.

I no longer run late. I book lunch breaks and even coffee breaks, and I go for walks during my breaks. I’ve put way less pressure on myself, and I’ve been way more productive and relaxed. I’m also using some of the excellent brain-based strategies that you’ll learn about in Chapter Ten , which have increased my productivity.

Spend the next few days paying attention to the behaviors you have that contribute to your stress. Every time you feel stressed out, ask yourself the personal responsibility question:

If you want to jot down a few notes on what you’re noticing, go for it. That’s how you’ll find out what your stress-inducing behaviors are. After you’ve identified them, think of what you can do instead. Often, it’s the opposite: try to be early instead of late, try saying no instead of yes. Give it a try, and see how it feels, you might just find yourself a little bit calmer. Then, when your body starts craving all those stress hormones that it’s so addicted to, you’ve got to wean it off. Go for a walk or meet a friend for coffee or tea. Remind yourself that being calm and relaxed is actually a much healthier and more productive way to live, even if it feels unfamiliar.

Okay, so now that we’ve identified some beliefs and behaviors that don’t serve us, it’s time to make some changes. Simple, right? Sadly, not usually. Change is hard. Really hard. Those old patterns are hardwired and very easy to fall into. So, how do we make the changes we need to? One of the best ways to make a change is to understand the impact of your behavior, not just on yourself but on those around you.

I realized I needed to slow down my crazy schedule because I was snapping at my kids and husband. It wasn’t fair to subject them to my inability to handle my stress.

Take a minute to think specifically about the impact of your stress on those closest to you. Make a list of the people affected, and identify the ways that you are negatively impacting their lives.

When we see the negative impact of our behavior on others, we’re more likely to make changes. When we see the positive impacts of our new behavior, we’re inclined to continue it.

Tim has been one of my clients for almost seven years. He was a student in one of my courses, then I started to do facilitation and coaching with his team. And I’ve coached him individually off and on over the years. Tim works in an operations environment with predominantly men. He’s an easygoing, likable guy in his early forties.

When I met him, he was driving a truck and doing general labor, but he knew he had leadership capabilities. He was right. He’s been a manager for five years now, and he’s a natural. He really cares about people, and it shows. He’s always cracking jokes, and he’s fun to work with. He’s a no BS kind of guy who calls things as they are. He also deeply understands the work he’s directing, so his staff respect him. He just has one problem: Tim has a temper. And no filter.

That’s a tough combination for a guy who really values relationships and cares a lot about the people he works with.

When Tim asked me to start coaching him, he’d realized that his temper was negatively impacting his relationships at work. People would say or do things that would upset him, and, instead of taking a deep breath and responding calmly, he would make a bitter or sarcastic comment. On bad days, he would even yell at the other person—once, at an entire group of his staff.

When we first started discussing why he lost his temper, Tim explained, “Stephanie, I just can’t help it. It’s my natural reaction. ”

I replied, “Fair enough, it feels like your natural reaction because it’s what you have always done so it’s the easiest response. When we’re under pressure, we can feel like our reactions are out of our control, but they aren’t.”

The moment between what happens and how we react is usually less than a minute, yet it’s the only time we have to make a choice about how we respond. Most of us don’t even think. We just instinctively respond in the way we always have. This is natural, but it doesn’t always serve us. As we discussed in Chapter Six , practicing mindfulness can help us make different choices in that sliver of an instant.

Once Tim realized this, he really wanted to make a different choice. He told me, “I feel terrible when I lose it on people. It’s not that they don’t deserve it, but I know there’s a better way to express my frustrations. I also know it’s hurting my relationships; people don’t trust me after I blow up. I want to do it differently.”

Tim felt motivated to change his response because he fully understood the impact of his behavior.

We decided that taking personal responsibility for his behavior would help him repair his relationships and change his response. We agreed that every time he lost his temper, he would go and apologize to the person he’d gotten angry with. We also talked through some alternative reactions and responses.

Options we came up with included:

When we talked through all these options, Tim realized that he had plenty of alternatives to being sarcastic or yelling. Two weeks later, we had our next session. Tim had been working hard to replace his natural response of anger with taking a deep breath or asking for some time to think about his response.

“I’ve had a few wins and one total disaster,” he explained. “The first week, I was doing really well. When I was feeling frustrated, I’d just take a deep breath, which really helped. It stopped my natural response of making a snide comment. Other times, I’d thank the person for their thoughts or ask for some time to think about it. Usually afterwards, I’d go into my coworker’s office and vent about everything.”

“That’s fantastic!” I was pleased for him as I knew how hard he was trying.

“But a few days ago, I totally lost it. You know that guy who works for me who really drives me nuts? He was in the office complaining about something, and I told him to get a grip and get over it because it was never going to change. He yelled at me. I yelled at him. I had to walk out of the office before fists started flying.”

Part of the reason that this might have happened for Tim is that willpower is a limited resource, as you’ll learn more about in Chapter Ten . He’d spent two weeks using a lot of willpower and self-control. He might just have used it all up before his most difficult staff member walked in, a tough situation for anyone to manage.

“So, what happened next?” I asked.

“Well, like we discussed, I went to him the next day and I apologized.”

I nodded, impressed. “It takes courage and humility to do that,” I said.

“It did. But I didn’t enjoy it. I don’t want to have to go around apologizing to people anymore. Particularly guys like him.”

“How did it go?”

“Pretty well. I told him I’d been wrong to raise my voice and not listen to his concerns. He said he shouldn’t have yelled. It went better than I expected; I thought he might blow up again.”

Tim was influencing his staff member’s behavior the only way we can ever influence another person, through leading by example.

We worked on Tim’s temper for a few months. With time and practice, taking a deep breath and listening became a more natural response for Tim than making a sarcastic comment or yelling. He now knows the meaning of a filter, and he often chooses not to say the first thing that comes to his mind. Instead, he reminds himself that he doesn’t know the whole story, asks a question, and listens with genuine curiosity. Tim’s temper still sometimes gets the better of him, but it’s rare.

Near the end of our coaching, he said, “You’ve really helped me learn to be a better listener and not always think about a comeback remark. I truly make an effort to listen to other people’s opinions, even if they are different than mine.”

I’d call that a win, not just for Tim, but for everyone he interacts with.

We all have habits of behavior, and when we fall into them, we forget that we are making a choice. We feel powerless to make a different choice, and we become trapped in the behavior.

When we start taking personal responsibility for our behavior, everything changes. We are energized because we have the power to make changes to find new and healthier behaviors that produce better results in our work and our relationships.

If not, the solution is to take personal responsibility for the changes you’d like to make because your life is the result of the choices that you’ve made, the actions that you’ve taken, and the behavior that you’ve engaged in.

It’s not up to anyone else to make us happy, productive, and engaged at work or at home. It’s up to us. Many of us chose our jobs because we love them. Don’t let the love get lost. When we can share our passion and work within our areas of strength, we can accomplish great things. Remember how it felt to be excited about your work? I want to help you get back to that place.

If you’ve never had any passion for your work and you’ve been settling, maybe it’s time to think about what jobs might be a better fit for your natural strengths, interests, and talents. When we own our choices, we take responsibility for our own level of engagement and happiness.

Marshall Goldsmith, a leadership coach and author, encourages us to ask the following questions when we think about our engagement at work:

I love this approach because too often we think it’s our company’s responsibility to make us happy, productive, and engaged. While our workplace can do a lot for us, it’s ultimately up to us to manage our own engagement. I have worked in many wonderful organizations in which 95 percent of their staff are engaged, productive employees.

The remaining 5 percent of disgruntled employees were treated the same as all the highly engaged employees. They had the same managers, the same work, and the same workplace challenges. The difference was they were failing to take any personal responsibility for how they showed up to work and the impact they had on themselves and others.

What can you do differently to make sure you’re answering yes to the questions above? If you ask yourself these questions at the end of every week, you’ll be taking personal responsibility for your level of engagement and happiness at work. Just keeping the engagement questions front-of-mind and making choices that enable you to say yes will have a huge impact on increasing your productivity and decreasing your stress .

So many of us forget that we are making choices every day, all day long. It’s a good idea to pay attention to this, because when we’re conscious of our choices, we recognize that we’re in control of our lives. This makes us more motivated and more productive. Charles Duhigg shares in his book Smarter Faster Better that research has found that:

Motivation is triggered by making choices that demonstrate to ourselves that we are in control. . . . When people believe they are in control, they tend to work harder and push themselves more. They are, on average, more confident and overcome setbacks faster. . . . [They] often live longer than their peers. 5

When we ask the personal responsibility question, “What have I done to create this situation?” we recognize that we’re in control of our lives and we can make changes. Then, we can follow through on our insights, take action, and ba-boom, we feel a sense of control over the situation.

Some of us think, But I don’t have a choice! I’m stuck. Stuck in this job, stuck with this boss, stuck with this project . Of course, there are many things you can’t control, but you still have plenty of choice within those circumstances.

Many of us tend to focus on our challenges and stressors. This is natural, and I too am guilty of it. On the days I haven’t slept enough, I start complaining about the kids waking me up at night; in the weeks when work is really busy, my husband and I spend dinnertime talking about how busy and stressed out we are. It’s natural to engage in these discussions, but I’m doing my best to catch myself and make different choices. Recently, my husband and I noticed we were discussing all of our problems over dinner; we switched to talking about things we were feeling grateful for. We both came away from the conversation more energized and relaxed than if we’d spent the entire time focusing on what was stressing us out.

Research has found that when our conversations are focused on what’s not working for us, it increases our stress: “As sensible as venting at first appears, a new study published in the European Journal of Work and Organizational Psychology suggests that verbalizing your anger doesn’t dissipate it.” 6 In the study, a clear pattern emerged: the more a person vented, the worse they felt their days had gone.

This is contrary to what many of us believe is a good way to relieve our stress. I can’t tell you the number of people I know who think venting is their best stress-reduction tool. I have a feeling it might be one of those unhealthy coping mechanisms that feels good in the moment, but the aftereffects aren’t great.

Rather than venting, we can make a tweak to our conversations and focus on trying to gain further understanding of the situation and seek solutions. 7 When we shift the focus of our conversation from blaming to taking personal responsibility, it decreases our stress and strengthens our relationships.

Over the next few days, take time to notice the types of conversations you’re having and what you are focused on. Recognize when you are making a choice to focus on the negative, rather than the positive aspects of your life. Take a minute right now and practice focusing on the positive:

How do you feel after thinking about all of these positive elements of your life? Generally, we’re far more energized when we make a conscious choice to focus on the positive. I’d encourage you to ask yourself those questions every day for a week and see how you feel.

If nothing else, notice all the choices that you do have and are making on a daily basis: you’re choosing to show up at work; you’re choosing your thoughts and your topics of conversation; you’re choosing your beliefs and your behaviors; you’re choosing your friends. If you’re not happy with the results you’re getting, you can make different choices.

If you hate your stressful job, but you keep choosing to work there, you need to question your choices. We’ve always got a choice, sometimes we just need to have the courage to exercise it.

If you decide to stay in your job because it’s the right choice for you in spite of some of the drawbacks, turn your thoughts to what your job does provide you, seek solutions to your challenges, and choose to focus on what you appreciate about your workplace.

Work helps us pay the rent and put food on the table (survival); it gives us a sense of community and connection (belonging); and it provides us with the opportunity to use our gifts and strengths towards a larger purpose (contribution). If you don’t get these things from your workplace, it can be very stressful. If there is a mismatch of values, the work culture is unhealthy, or you aren’t working in an area of your strength, I encourage you to look for a job that meets these fundamental needs—financial stability, a sense of belonging, and the ability to contribute your strengths and natural talents.

I once had a client who realized that he was never going to be happy in the organization he worked in and that he needed to find a job that was a better fit for him. He ended up finding a job that looked great but involved a $20,000 pay cut. He was hesitant to make the move. He had financial pressures, but he was miserable at work. After we had a long discussion, he made a choice that felt good for him. He decided he needed to get out of his job, and it was worth earning less money to have a job he liked. After a few months in the new job, he said he’d taken a $20,000 decrease in pay and a 200 percent increase in happiness. Two years later, he had worked his way up in the new organization and was making more money than he had in his previous role. Why? Because as we now know, our happiness fosters our success.

It takes courage and faith that things will work out to make a big change, but it’s worth it to find work that feels right for you.

Often, we stay stuck in bad situations because we’re afraid we won’t find anything better. I promise you there’s a job out there that’s a better fit for you. Every time I’ve left a job, I’ve ended up in a better situation than the one I left. So, if you’re afraid and feeling stuck, find a trusted friend or coach to help you work through your fears and focus on solutions, then go for it.

Whether you realize you need to find a new job or you’ve decided to stay in your current job, don’t contribute to a negative workplace by focusing on what’s not working and complaining about things you can’t change. If you’re job searching, continue to be professional, and focus on what you appreciate about your job. And if you choose to stay in your job, learn to appreciate what’s good about it. Maybe it’s not your dream job, but it gives you time for your other passions. Maybe you really love the people you work with, or the benefits are fantastic. Maybe you’re learning a lot. Focus on what you can do each day to answer yes to Marshall Goldsmith’s questions and get the best out of your days.

If you’ve made the choice to stay at your job, you may as well choose to make it a worthwhile and enjoyable experience.

When we focus on what is good and what works well in our lives, we draw more of that to us. When we focus on what’s negative and isn’t working, we draw more of that to us.

Even if there is just one little thing that is good about your job, spend your time focusing on it. It makes you feel better; it helps you appreciate what’s working well; and focusing on the positive will create more positive energy in your life.

What we believe matters. We will generally go about proving ourselves right, so knowing what we believe about ourselves and our work is helpful. If we’re going to spend our lives building a solid case to prove our beliefs are true, we want them to be healthy beliefs that enable us to be successful.

The more aware we are of our beliefs, the more we can make conscious choices, not just about what we believe, but about the behavior that stems from those beliefs. When we make different choices, we’ll get different results.

The more our beliefs serve and support us, the more likely we are to succeed. If we can find ways to believe in our abilities, we’re way ahead of the game. We can also significantly reduce our stress by becoming conscious of our beliefs and behaviors.

If you’ve realized that you have a belief that work is supposed to be super stressful or that you have to hustle for your worthiness, it’s an amazing opportunity to make a change. Find a belief that’s going to reduce your stress and liberate you from the pressure you put on yourself. Concentrate on the choices you do have and find ways to focus on what’s working well in your life each day.

I believe in you, and I believe in the capacity of each one of us to make real and meaningful change because I’ve seen so many clients make significant and lasting changes that have led them to healthier, happier, and more fulfilling lives.