part0022

Everything we achieve, whether our results are good or bad, flows from us. When we are in a positive mental state, we are able to achieve more and get better results. All of your outcomes at work and in your life are a product of your mental state—this is why happier people have more success. Their energy is higher, and they are able to produce higher-quality work, connect with others more easily, and engage more fully. When you get yourself into a positive state, you can achieve far more. I’m sure if you think about your own life, you’ll see evidence of this.

I’m not suggesting that we should be in a positive mental state all the time. I don’t think that is realistic or even desirable. We need to experience our feelings, be authentic, and welcome the darkness as well as the light. That said, sometimes our minds get snagged on thoughts that don’t serve us. That’s when we would benefit from paying a little bit more attention to our thoughts and discerning if they are repetitive or unhealthy, so we can interrupt the pattern.

We’ve all experienced that moment when some relatively small and insignificant event has happened, and we can’t stop thinking about it. Our minds run circles around themselves, going over and over what was said or done, and we get stuck. We can’t move on, but we aren’t really resolving anything. We’re just running through the scenario over and over again, often torturing ourselves and growing angrier or more stressed by another person’s behavior.

The mental train of thought is something along these lines: Did she really say that? Did I really say that? Did I really show up to my first day of work in a see-through blouse with no camisole? Yes, yes, I did. Let me tell you, my mind ran rings around that mortifying event for a few painful nights.

Instead of letting our minds run rampant, let’s catch and interrupt the negative spiral of thinking. Then we can either find ways to move to action and resolve the situation, or we can let it go. I have had the great fortune of having a young daughter during the time that the movie Frozen has been so popular, so I hear the song “Let It Go” on a daily basis. Whenever my mind starts spinning in useless circles, I start singing “Let It Go” in my mind to remind myself that I am in control of my thoughts rather than allowing my thoughts to control me. It’s a good way of interrupting the loop and it usually makes me laugh. Once I’ve noticed and interrupted an unhealthy thought pattern, then I can move on to more productive thoughts and behaviors .

A crucial element of being in a positive state is having positive and empowering beliefs. While we all have down days or times when we doubt ourselves, we aren’t doing ourselves any favors by indulging in self-doubt. Give yourself a few minutes for the pity party, then focus on creating a positive state for yourself. Remember that the mind can only hold one thought at a time—let it be a thought that helps you rather than hinders you.

When we really believe in ourselves—when we have our own backs the way we would have a friend’s back—we can achieve amazing results.

When we are at work, we need to manage our mental and emotional states so we can be positive and productive. That’s our unwritten contract with our workplace. They pay us and we do our best to give them our best. In most companies, they also give us benefits like paid sick leave or employee assistance programs, so that when we are struggling, we have the opportunity to look after ourselves and to take care of the issues and the challenges we’re experiencing.

After my brother died, I struggled to be at work. It took all of my energy to show up, and when I was there, I wasn’t effective. After a few weeks of trying hard and failing to be productive during my workdays, I finally realized that I couldn’t function until I took some time to deal with my grief.

I took two weeks off, and I did everything I could to allow myself to feel all my emotions and to move through them. I went to see a grief counsellor. I exercised. I slept. I cried. Then I went back to work because work was also helping me to heal. It was giving me a reprieve from the grief that waited for me at the end of the day.

I managed my emotions as well as I could while I was at work, so I could be present and productive. When I went home, I allowed myself to have the feelings that I needed to feel in order to heal.

If you are really struggling and having a difficult time, please get help. There are plenty of options:

Even if you have no big crisis or challenges going on in your life, it’s still easy to get caught up in an upsetting emotion at work. Because being highly emotional can be unprofessional and have negative impacts on our work and our relationships, it’s good to find a way to manage these emotions that overtake us.

As I sometimes say to my kids (and a few clients), just because you’re feeling an emotion (angry, upset, scared) doesn’t mean you need to act on it. How do your coworkers react when you burst into tears at work or when you fly into a rage in a meeting?

But if we don’t act on our feelings, how can we handle them? Most often in workplaces, I see people trying to suppress their emotions: when we have feelings, we do everything we can to push them back down. But trying not to feel what we are feeling doesn’t work. Not only that, it makes the people around us uncomfortable.

Research has found that when we try to suppress our feelings, our limbic system is still giving off cues that we are upset. People pick up on those subtle cues and sense that we are feeling an emotion. When they look at us and don’t find one, their blood pressure increases. 1

Neither acting on our emotions nor attempting to suppress them is an effective strategy for handling emotions at work. So, what’s the solution? Well, according to James Gross, associate professor of psychology at Stanford University, who is at the forefront in the field of emotional regulation, we need to think about the situation differently. There are two options for doing this: We label our emotions, which helps us move into a different part of our brain and calms us down in the moment. Or we change our interpretation of the event or experience. 2

I’ve used changing the way I interpret an event to deal with my emotions in the moment with great success and so have my clients. Think about something simple that may cause you stress—perhaps someone cuts you off in traffic or a coworker doesn’t say good morning to you. We can choose how we want to interpret that event. We may interpret this rude behavior as a personal affront and get very upset, or we may choose not to take another person’s behavior personally. If we don’t take it personally, we’re unlikely to get stressed out or upset. When we can change our perspective and reinterpret a situation in the moment, we can significantly reduce our stress. It takes practice, but it can be done.

Far easier to do in the moment is simply to label your emotion. Naming our emotions help us move us into a different part of our brains and reduces our emotional reaction.

Remember Tim, who often lost his temper at work? When he noticed his angry feelings, one of his strategies was to say, either to himself or out loud, depending on the situation, “I am feeling frustrated.”

When we label the emotion, it’s a good idea to relate to it as an emotion we’re feeling, rather that identifying with it completely. That’s the difference between, I’m feeling frustrated , and I’m frustrated . In the first one, we recognize the emotion as separate from us and as something that will pass. In the second one, we identify with the emotion to the point where it defines us. Which way do you think makes it easier to let go of the emotion?

The key with labelling is to simply identify the emotion and move on. As Gross says, “Here’s the bottom line: describe an emotion in just a word or two, and it helps reduce the emotion. Open up a dialogue about an emotion, though, and you tend to increase it.” 3 Just naming the feeling to yourself in your mind is a good way to calm yourself if it’s not appropriate to speak the words out loud. You can see how this connects to mindfulness and the STOP exercise. When we slow down and notice what’s happening for us, we can choose a different response.

You might need to come back to the feelings later to let yourself feel them and understand what was going on for you. The personal responsibility questions can help with this.

Allison was a client of mine many years ago. She was a very passionate young woman who was committed to her job, working as a supervisor in a male-dominated environment. Allison cried frequently at work.

“I just can’t seem to stop the tears, they well up, and before I know it, I’m crying,” she explained to me.

“And what do you think the impact is when you cry?” I asked her.

“It’s terrible. I’m the only woman on the management team, so it’s extra embarrassing. I work with three men, and they all just get quiet and awkward.”

“How often do you cry at work?”

Her eyes welled up with tears. “Almost every day.”

Wow, did we have a problem. Crying every day at work is unprofessional at the best of times. In the environment she was in, it was a serious issue.

“Okay, let’s go through this. What makes you cry?”

“Well, if I’m angry, and I don’t agree with what’s been decided; or if I’m really upset or hurt; or if I’m frustrated.” I could see her holding back the tears as she spoke.

“So, when things aren’t going smoothly?” I clarified.

“Yes, when I’m upset by anything, I start to cry. I try so hard not to, but I just can’t help it.” Tears started streaming down her face as if to prove her point .

“So, right now, why are you crying?”

“I don’t know. I just feel like I’m not explaining myself very well, and I’m embarrassed. I am feeling frustrated and a bit hopeless, like I’ll never get this figured out.” As she spoke, the tears stopped flowing.

“Do you see what’s happening here?” I asked her.

“I stopped crying.” She half-laughed in disbelief.

“Right. Because you are now expressing what you’re feeling. Through identifying what you’re feeling, you’ve switched to a different part of your brain. Would I be right in saying that you feel like it’s a natural response to cry and that crying is a way to express every emotion you’re feeling?”

“Yes.” She nodded.

“But you know that crying at work is unprofessional and you want to stop. Not to mention, you’re not expressing yourself, you’re just emoting.”

“Emoting?” she asked.

“Yes, you’re allowing the emotion to control you rather than making a conscious choice. What would happen if the next time you felt like you were going to cry, you simply expressed what you were feeling, like you just did with me?”

“That sounds pretty scary. My staff and colleagues might find it weird if I just blurt out what I’m feeling.”

“So how do you think everyone feels when you cry rather than expressing your opinions?”

“Annoyed. Irritated. Frustrated. I think they’re getting to a point where they’re just dismissing me.”

“So, do you think it might be worth expressing your opinion and your feelings so you can actually participate in discussions at work?”

I kid you not—she started crying again. After a few more rounds of practicing expressing her emotions instead of crying, she began to get the hang of it. She promised that when she went back to work, she was going to work on identifying her feelings rather than crying .

Two weeks later when we met, she’d had limited success. Allison found that she could stop herself from crying in some situations by simply naming the emotion and moving on in the conversation. She’d identified that when she felt frustrated, she could simply say, I’m feeling frustrated, in her mind and that would eliminate the crying. She could then have a healthy conversation from that point on. When she was feeling hurt, she still cried. When she was feeling stressed out, she spent her days on the edge of tears, and it was much harder for her to manage her emotions.

We worked together for a few more months; Alison learned and used some stress-reduction strategies, and we focused on labelling her emotions and changing her interpretation of situations to help her manage her emotions at work. Allison turned from an every-day crier to a once-a-month crier. For many people, it would be mortifying to cry at work once a month; for Allison, it was a serious win.

When we can control our emotions rather than letting them control us, everything changes. When we’re feeling negative, upset, worried, anxious, or overwhelmed, we’re going to cause more stress for ourselves just by the way we perceive events and approach life. When we consciously create a positive state and we are able to operate from that positive state, we’ll naturally be more relaxed and productive. Knowing what we now know about how happiness impacts us, creating a positive and happy state is the best way to improve every outcome in our lives, from relationships to school to work.

Tony Robbins, coach, author, and motivational speaker, suggests that to get into a positive state, we must master the three forces that control our emotions: our physiology, our focus, and our language. 4

In 2012, Amy Cuddy shared the results of her research on how we can use our physiology or body language to dramatically alter our mental state, using what she calls “power poses.” She suggested that our body language governs how we think and feel about ourselves, which means that how we hold our bodies can have an impact on our thoughts and feelings. In other words, by commanding a powerful stance, we can make ourselves actually feel more powerful:

The evidence of power posing came from a study that Cuddy completed while at Harvard University, where participants sat in either a high-power pose (expansive posture) or a low-power pose (leaning inward, legs crossed) for two minutes. Cuddy found that those who sat in the high-power pose felt more powerful and performed better in mock interviews than those who had not.

Cuddy’s research had two major findings. The first was that people who sat in high-power positions felt more powerful than their low-power-pose counterparts. The second was that the power posing actually changed their body chemistry. Cuddy’s study suggested that those who adopted high-power poses demonstrated an increase in testosterone and a decrease in cortisol (commonly known as the stress hormone). 5

Most of us aren’t even aware of our posture and how we use our bodies. By becoming more aware and doing power poses, we can increase our energy and create a more positive mental state. I’ve included the link to Cuddy’s TED Talk and examples of power poses in the resource section at the end of the book and on my website . A simple example of a power pose is to stand like Wonder Woman, with your legs shoulder width apart, your feet firmly planted, and your hands on your hips or with your arms held up high and strong, taking up as much space as possible. See if you can spend a few minutes every morning to do a power pose (I like to do mine in the shower) or find a private space to do one during the day at work before a big meeting or potentially challenging interaction.

We make conscious choices to change our physiological state frequently. Maybe we’ve come from a difficult meeting and we’re really upset by a coworker or a project, but when we walk into our next meeting with a client, we immediately put on a fake happy smile and change our tone of voice. We’re making a choice with our facial expression, tone of voice, and body language to show up differently than we were doing just seconds before. That’s using your physiology to change your state.

This isn’t just faking it, changing our body language actually makes us feel better. What are the ways that you use your physiology to adapt your mental state?

Sometimes we feel inauthentic when we change our state, but what I’ve noticed is that when I’ve been in that “fake state” for a while—even just a few minutes—it’s hard to return to my previous upset state. In other words, it’s possible to fake it until you feel it.

I find music a very powerful way to use my body to generate an energetic, positive, happy state. If I have time in the mornings, the kids and I will dance around. If you love dancing as much as I do, give it a go. If dancing around the living room sounds like torture to you, spend five minutes listening to an energizing, happy song on your way to work and see how your mood and body language change. I’ve shared my playlist full of happy, upbeat music on my website . Just listening to upbeat music or spending two minutes in a power pose can significantly positively impact our state.

When we become aware of the language that we use, we can see how it shapes our reality. How often do you talk about your limitations and weaknesses rather than your strengths and desires? Usually, we’re spending too much time talking ourselves down instead of talking ourselves up. Our language is very powerful: it can shape our experiences as it reflects our beliefs about ourselves and the world.

Start paying attention to the language you use—not only when you are speaking with others, but to yourself. We speak to ourselves more than we speak to any other person.

Too often, we use judgmental, critical language with ourselves. We speak to ourselves far more unkindly than we would ever speak to another person. Start paying attention to your inner voice and thoughts and see if you can find ways to be more gentle and less judgmental, of yourself and others. Treat yourself the way you’d treat your best friend: have your own back, go easy on yourself, and notice what you’re doing well. Try to be kinder to yourself over the next few days and notice how it changes your state.

Twenty years ago, I was fortunate enough to study with some very wise teachers and counsellors. I spent a year in Australia, taking a program that trained stress-reduction facilitators. One of my teachers explained to me that the subconscious mind doesn’t distinguish between what’s true and what’s false. Its only goal is to deliver on what I say, so my language is key to shaping my reality. If I go into an interview telling myself, I’ll never get this job , the subconscious mind will find ways to deliver on that belief, and I will unconsciously sabotage the interview.

We act in ways that demonstrate what we believe to be true, even if we aren’t consciously aware of it. This is why it’s so important to pay attention to your beliefs. One of the ways that you can develop a deeper understanding and awareness of your beliefs is to pay attention to the language you use.

One suggestion to better use the power of language: when making a statement of lack, add the word yet on to it. When I was single and every person in my life would ask me if I had met someone, I would say “not yet.” Or when I met new people and they asked if I was married or had kids, I’d always say “not yet.” It sent a very different message to my subconscious than if I’d simply said no. This addition of “yet” cues the subconscious mind that you’re working on changing the situation. It also cues well-meaning friends to set you up on blind dates.

Take a few minutes to write down three negative things that you often say about yourself. Some examples might be: I’m no good with people; I’m too shy to be a good leader; I’m not creative enough; I’m lazy. After you’ve identified what your top three consistently repeated negative statements are, take some time to reframe them.

When we start to pay attention to our language, we learn a lot more about ourselves. I think of myself as fairly easygoing, and I’ve done a lot of work to be more loving towards myself, but it’s still a work in progress. The other day, I was explaining to a colleague why I couldn’t fix a basic glitch in my PowerPoint presentation and I said, “Because I’m an idiot.”

I may be a lot of things, but I’m fairly confident that I’m not an idiot. I’m an intelligent woman who is not technologically adept (yet).

We need to be gentler with ourselves, and our language can be a good way to start. The more thoughtful and positive our language is, the more positive our state is.

I bet there are some people reading this right now thinking: Well, all of this research on how to create a positive state and all the good outcomes I’ll get are nice in theory, but I can’t possibly be in a good state. I have too much work to do, and I’m totally overwhelmed. My kids are being nightmares, and I have serious health issues. I’m worried about my sister, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to miss that big deadline, and . . .

We go on and on, talking ourselves into being miserable. Stop doing that. There are always things to be stressed out and upset about. And there are always things to feel happy about and grateful for. This is where we get to use our powers of focus.

We have to take control of what we focus on because our minds will often worry over things that we have no control over. It’s our mind’s way of feeling like it is doing something to solve the unsolvable. But the reality is, all we are doing is putting our energy into thoughts that drain and upset us.

Our mind is hardwired to look for risks and seek out the negative, so we need to train it to seek out and focus on the positive. Remember that I mentioned each person in our family shares three things they are grateful for at dinner every night? It’s based on this research shared in Shawn Achor’s book The Happiness Advantage :

One study found that participants who wrote down three things each day for a week were happier and less depressed at the one month, three months, and six-month follow-ups. More amazing: even after stopping the exercise, they remain significantly happier and showed higher levels of optimism. 6

I’m not talking about breakfast here; I’m talking about what we feed our minds. When you start your day off right, it can set you up for a much better day. You know what I mean—think about a time when you “got up on the wrong side of bed.” You wake up feeling cranky. Nothing feels good or right in the world. You listen to the news and feel fairly certain the world is falling apart. Then you realize you are out of milk, and you get toothpaste on your last clean shirt. How does the rest of the day go? Do you get lots of work done and have really good positive interactions? Are you anxious and overwhelmed or relaxed and happy? Usually the rest of the day goes terribly when we start out in a bad state.

How many of us start every day in that bad state? Way too many of us. If you can change the state that you start in, you can change your whole day. If you pay attention and notice your language, stories, and body language, you can consciously create a positive state. When we get intentional about our state of mind, we can make our days and our lives far more positive.

When you go out into the world with a positive frame of mind, you seek out and focus on the positive. You notice what’s working well: the coworker who was kind to you, the success you had on a project, or the efficiency with which you dealt with a situation. The stories that you tell yourself are positive. You experience and notice what’s working well, and you begin to expect more good things, and by some magic, they come. Your days get better and better because you’re choosing your state, rather than letting your mind run amok.

Who are your closest friends at work? What is their normal mental or emotional state? What’s their outlook on life? We don’t often think about how the people we spend time with influence our state, but we should.

I consider most workplaces a slightly more sophisticated version of high school; your peer group has a huge influence over how you perform each day. Are you hanging out with the slackers or the keeners? The complainers or the problem solvers?

Many of you may have heard renowned businessman Jim Rohn’s famous quote, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” 7

That in itself is powerful food for thought.

Research has found that the influence of your peer group goes far beyond the five people you’re closest to. The first major study on the breadth of social influence was conducted by Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler, and they discovered that not only do your closest friends influence you, but their friends also influence you (even if you’ve never met them):

According to their results, if a friend of yours becomes obese, you yourself are 45 percent more likely . . . to gain weight over the next two to four years. More surprisingly . . . if a friend of your friend becomes obese, your likelihood of gaining weight increases by about 20 percent—even if you don’t know that friend of a friend. The effect continues one more person out.

Christakis and Fowler also found that “happy friends make you happier — no surprise there. But if your friend of a friend of a friend is happy with their life, then you have a 6 percent greater likelihood of being happy yourself.” 8

It seems pretty simple: if you want to be relaxed, happy and productive, hang out with people who are relaxed, happy, and productive. Think about your friends and coworkers, is there anyone you might want to start spending a little less time with? How about people you want to seek out or spend more time with?

We want to choose our peers wisely because research has found that our emotional states are contagious. In a new study in Nature Neuroscience , Jaideep Bains, PhD, and his team at the University of Calgary have discovered that stress transmitted from others can change the brain in the same way as a real stress does: “Recent studies have found that stress and emotions can be ‘contagious.’” 9

Keeping the contagion factor in mind, we want to be around people who infect us with their positivity and productivity. You also want to be someone who infects people with your positive state rather than your negative state.

Too often we react to external events and give them power over us, whether it’s a screaming child, a difficult coworker, or a project going sideways. Often, we will choose to get upset and stressed out by these events, but that’s a choice. We can make a different choice and choose not to get upset by these events. We can control our own state regardless of the external events we are experiencing. That’s how we reduce our stress.

When you realize you can control your response to external events and not lose your positive state, your entire life changes. You are no longer at the mercy of what happens to you. You have a choice in how you respond, and you’re in complete control of your internal state, no matter what happens.

One of my clients is highly disorganized and seems to think that they are my only client, assuming that I can switch my teaching dates around at any time. They are always changing dates of classes without asking me and mixing up the locations on invitations, so I end up in the wrong place. There’s no better feeling than standing in a room with your presentation all set up and ready to go, your white board full of notes, and wondering where everyone is when you realize they are all in another room, waiting for you.

In the past, every time I saw this client’s name in my inbox, my heart rate would increase, and I’d be upset before I even opened the e-mail. Then I’d read the e-mail and get irate about whatever frustrating situation the client was creating for me to deal with. The rest of my day, I was usually a little bit annoyed, composing a response and dealing with the fallout of their disorganization.

Then I caught myself giving all my power away, choosing to get stressed out by something really minimal, and I committed to choosing a different reaction. Now when I see an e-mail from this client, I take a deep breath and remind myself I can choose my response. I read through the e-mail and smile when I see that there’s been another mix-up of dates or locations. I expect it now—I’ve accepted reality. I try to be compassionate towards a person who is likely overwhelmed, and I send back a quick e-mail to deal with the issue. Then, I let it go. I don’t spend any more time thinking about it. I choose not to get stressed out.

For those of you who are thinking, But really terrible things happen to me, and I can’t possibly react any differently than I do , think about people you know who have thrived in spite of their challenges. Here are a few examples to inspire you: Wayne Dyer, bestselling author and motivational speaker, grew up bouncing between foster homes. Media mogul Oprah Winfrey was sexually abused as a child. Nobel Peace Prize laureate Malala Yousafzai was shot in the head for her advocacy and desire to go to school. She survived and is even more of an advocate today, speaking internationally and running the Malala Fund.

Who do you know who has had really difficult life experiences and has managed to overcome them? The reason they’ve been successful is because of their mindset and what they’ve chosen to focus on.

The Wayne Dyers, Malala Yousafzais, and Oprah Winfreys of the world have taken the difficult events in their lives and used them to spur themselves to greatness.

Each one of us has the capacity to persevere in the face of obstacles and make our lives even better. We all make meaning out of the events in our lives and how we respond to them. Let’s tell ourselves stories that serve us. Let’s choose to focus on our strength, our resilience, our creativity, and our abilities. We’ve all got the capacity to survive and even thrive in the most challenging of circumstances.

We can use our resiliency and grit to keep going through the most challenging of times, and we emerge strengthened, flourishing in spite of the difficulties we’ve experienced.

According to an article in Psychology Today , “The average four-year-old laughs three hundred times a day. The average forty-year-old? Only four.” 10 Can you imagine laughing three hundred times a day? How good would that feel? Rather than being filled with joy and laughter, most of us adults are running around, feeling the weight of the world, overwhelmed and stressed out, wondering what our life’s purpose is.

Well, it would appear that our life’s purpose is to love people, to share our unique talents with the world, to be present, laugh often, and enjoy the sweet moments.

It’s time to start remembering.

We think it’s our job to teach children how to be in the world, and, for sure, there are things they need to learn—not to hit, not to swallow marbles, not to lose their minds just because they have to wear socks. But if we’re smart, we’ll pay attention to some of the amazing things we can learn from kids. They can teach us to slow down, to delight in the simple things, to laugh, to enjoy the moment, to love fully, and to feel all our feelings deeply. Children are amazing teachers (until they start screaming about those damn socks. But even then, they can teach us to be calm and choose our response to their ludicrous behavior).

My friend’s two-year-old daughter came running out of her room the other morning, screaming with delight, “I got my pants on, I got my pants on!” She was running around laughing, full of wonder that she got her pants on that morning.

Do you know how much we have to learn from that little girl? What would happen to our mental state if we started delighting in our ability to do both the simplest things and the hardest things? Imagine having a moment of celebration every day: “I made that tough phone call. I’m amazing!”; “I filed my taxes. I’m incredible!”; “I was so nice to that person who was being rude to me. I am awesome!”

Do you know what we did when that two-year-old came out absolutely thrilled with herself that she got her pants on? Did we say, “No big deal kid, everyone does that every day.”? No, we cheered and clapped and delighted along with her! That’s what we need to do for ourselves and for each other.

We all have a battle to fight, we all have a hill to climb, we all are struggling in one way or another, and we are lifted up and connected and supported by the people who clap when we put our pants on.

Clap, cheer, express delight and amazement and appreciation. Take a moment to appreciate someone else, to help them celebrate their own wins. Not only will you feel good, you’ll build your relationship and increase productivity.

If you put your pants on this morning, do a little dance of delight because you got something awesome done today.

How different would your state be every day if you could take a moment to celebrate the little wins? Those little wins would snowball and lead to more wins. We underestimate the power of the small win, but as Charles Duhigg shares in his book Smarter, Better, Faster :

A huge body of research has shown that small wins have enormous power, an influence disproportionate to the accomplishments of the victories themselves. . . . Once a small win has been accomplished, forces are set in motion that favor another small win. 11

When we celebrate our small wins, we begin to believe big wins are possible. That is one powerful belief. My seven-year-old son has been playing flag football this spring. So I’ve been watching a lot of football lately, and I see this phenomenon play out on the field regularly. When the team gets a small win—an interception or a turnover—it changes the entire momentum of the game. Because that little win made them feel like winners, they believed in themselves, and the entire game turned around. They won when before they’d been losing.

It could be as simple as taking a moment at the end of each day to reflect back on what you did accomplish (rather than worrying about everything you still have to do) or sharing your wins in a conversation with colleagues.

Our moments of celebration can be big or small. You might want to take yourself out for a nice dinner or treat yourself to a movie or a massage, set up a night to see a comedy show, or go for a walk with a friend. When I finished draft number six of this book, my husband and kids clapped for me and even though it was a bit silly, it felt good. I treated myself to a delicious chocolate bar with caramel and sea salt. That small celebration of a small win spurred me on to writing the seventh and final draft of the book. When I submitted the final draft, it was a big win, so my husband and I went to my favourite sushi restaurant and celebrated with a glass of prosecco. When I start my coaching sessions, we discuss what small wins people have had since we last met and take a moment to appreciate them .

Before I had children and I had time to do such things, I used to write my accomplishments on little Post-it notes and put them in a jar. When a month had passed, I’d open the jar and read them over and feel pretty great about myself. I’d celebrate by buying myself flowers and taking myself out for sushi. Find a fun way to celebrate your small wins because when you do, you’ll set yourself up to have bigger and bigger wins.

Do whatever you can to create a good state at the beginning of your day and watch your days flow with more ease. Find ways to have fun. Pay attention to the thoughts, reactions, and feelings you are choosing throughout the day, and make sure that they are serving you. Use your powers of language and focus to help you maintain a positive and productive state.

You can take simple actions like starting the day with happy music or spending your commute thinking of what you feel grateful for. When you start your day off in a good state, you’ll usually have a great day, and a lot of great days equal a great life. That’s what I call Working Well .