THE BASICS
You, the infantilized husbands of accomplished godly women, are especially low-hanging fruit. Ripe for the picking with little effort on my part. Buttery soft laughter at your attempts at humor, or eye contact that lasts a beat too long but subtle enough that it leaves you wondering if maybe you just imagined it was a beat too long. Maybe it was just wishful thinking on your part that I leaned in closer each time you spoke, that I was really tuned in to and turned on by your monologues on fantasy football and barbecue. Or maybe you just want a woman to treat you like a man for a change, and not like one of her children.
Despite your frustrations, you may not want to stray. Perhaps this is your first time. And you didn’t imagine it would be with someone like me—dark with short, kinky hair. Someone so different from your wife. But it was my eyes, my lips, my teeth, my smile, my intellect, my breasts, my easy laughter that got you. I understand you feel the need to offer some explanation for stepping out with someone like me, some reason for why I turn you on.
Why do you turn me on? It’s that you want me when there are so many reasons you shouldn’t. That turns me on. Your hunger, your deprivation turn me on. I don’t care why your wife won’t fuck you properly; it’s satisfaction enough simply knowing she won’t. All the risk is yours, but I’ll wade out into it with you. I’ve always enjoyed playing in the deep end.
PARKING
There is on-street parking in my neighborhood. I recommend you park at least one block away. The nearby business district provides a convenient alibi.
SOCIAL MEDIA AND TECHNOLOGY
Facebook: Continue to post Scripture memes about God’s faithfulness and how Jesus is your all in all, if you do that sort of thing. If you don’t, don’t start now. See also “Your Religion” below.
Because this town is small, Facebook may recommend me as a Person You May Know. I hope it goes without saying that you should delete this.
Post a picture of your wife on Woman Crush Wednesdays #wcw, but be sure to caption it that she is your crush every day. Also post pictures of the two of you on your anniversary, her birthday, and at other random times, just to say how amazing she is. Your profile picture should be a picture of the two of you.
Communication: We will not exchange phone numbers. We will communicate exclusively via the texting app I asked you to download.
Your phone: Lock it. Require a passcode or finger-swipe combination to unlock it.
Photos: Don’t send them. Don’t ask for them.
Note: If you want to get caught, as some of you do because you don’t have the courage to pull the plug on your marriage directly, ignore these precautions. See also “Your Conscience.”
ABOUT ME
The less you know, the better. And that works both ways. Boundaries are crucial. Here’s what I can tell you:
I have no children, and I’ve never been married. My life is my own. I own a bakery, which is probably where we met. Maybe I baked your wedding cake or your daughter’s birthday cake. I make the best peach cobbler in the city.
I grew up watching my mother eating the crumbs and leftovers from another woman’s table. I swore I never would. But here I am grubbing, licking the edges.
HEALTH AND WELLNESS
Bring original copies only of your STI test results from tests taken within the last thirty days. No exceptions. No, not even if you haven’t been with anyone besides your wife in decades. Surely you understand why I can’t take you at your word. No honor among thieves. Or something like that.
If you aren’t capable of making an appointment for yourself and getting the testing done, you don’t deserve to fuck.
You will wear a condom at all times. This is non-negotiable. If you are unable to get an erection while wearing a condom, go home to your wife.
Note: My baby factory has been closed, surgically, for some time now. No worries there.
YOUR RELIGION
By all means, continue teaching Sunday School, leading the Boy Scout troop, and serving on the deacon board at church.
If guilt gets the best of you, do not attempt to witness to me or invite me to church. Don’t ask me to repent, because I regret nothing.
You can’t save me, because I’m not in peril.
YOUR WIFE
Don’t speak ill of her to me. I don’t want to hear about how she just lies there like a starfish during sex or how she emasculates you in front of company. That’s a slippery slope to justifying why you’re here, and we’re not doing that.
You know her, but I know women. You assume she would be angry or disappointed to learn you’re cheating. But you may be surprised to know some wives are actually relieved. Your wife probably appreciates the peace and quiet of you taking your needs elsewhere. She may actually desire sex, just not with you, not anymore. You may want to explore with a marriage counselor why that is. See also “Therapist.”
MONEY
Gifts are welcome, but do not offer me money or to pay my bills. I’m not a sex worker.
SEX
You may spank me and dress me up in trashy lingerie. I find those things tedious and terribly unoriginal, but I will oblige. See also “Fantasies.”
I am easily and multiply orgasmic. Understand this has very little to do with your sexual prowess. Physical arousal is easy; I crave mental and intellectual stimulation. Get inside my head. Surprise me. Challenge me.
I’m not overly concerned with your dick, though it is important. I like hands. I really, really like hands. The bigger, the better. I want to be held, caressed, cupped, and grabbed.
I also like lips and tongues and kissing. Deep, passionate kisses, and biting. I will come if you kiss me right. If you discover my secret place and kiss me there and touch me there just right, I will drown us both.
Note: Do you know what your wife likes and doesn’t like? You should.
YOUR CONSCIENCE
If you decide to confess to your wife, make sure she doesn’t come over to my house. She will get her feelings hurt. Our arrangement is nonbinding; if you want to leave, go. But don’t bring your mess into my yard.
And when you’re here, don’t dawdle. I hate small talk. Leave your nerves outside my door. Do or don’t do; there is no try.
See also “Therapist.”
SUBSTANCES
Don’t come to me under the influence of anything. You will be fully in control of your faculties and responsible for your actions at all times.
Don’t ask me to score drugs either. Not even weed. Ask your cousin, the one everybody in your family says should be more like you.
TRAVEL
I am available to travel with sufficient notice and at your expense.
THERAPIST
I am not yours. I don’t want to hear about your fears of failure or inadequacy, childhood traumas, midlife regrets, children, or frustrations with your job. This is one of the safeguards that keeps feelings at bay, and more importantly, it keeps me from resenting you the way your wife does.
YOUR ARRIVAL
Place your wedding band on my nightstand. Your hands may be immaculate, nails tapered. Or they may be rough and dry from the cold, lack of attention, or both. But they must be large, and your grip should always be firm and aggressive.
Remove your cuff links and unbutton your monogrammed shirt. Pull your alma mater or fraternity sweatshirt over your head. Take off the striped polo shirt your kids gave you for Father’s Day.
Take off your undershirt. Your chest may be hairy or smooth; your manscaping, or lack thereof, is your business. Your abs may be taut and defined, or you may have dad bod, soft and rounded in places that used to be taut. Or your belly may tell the story of the nightly cognac, gin, or beer you drink to forget. Or to remember.
Slip off your Cole Haan loafers or your Adidas. Take off your socks. Or leave them on.
Toss your jeans, your sweats, your tailored Armani suit pants onto the back of my chair, the foot of my bed, or the floor.
Pull down your boxers or boxer briefs and step out of them. (If you are wearing regular briefs, you will be asked to leave.) Show me that you are ready for me, or that you are not yet ready and would like my assistance.
Silence your phone, or don’t.
Regardless of the options you choose above, you will remove the reminder that you don’t belong here. Your wedding band must remain on my nightstand, in view at all times. It is your lifesaver. It will keep you from floating away into me for more than a few hours.
FOREPLAY
I understand that sex with your wife is an orchestrated event you prep for, much like surgery. She requires coaxing, compliments, massages, and other romantic gestures to get her in the mood to have sex with you. I require no such thing. I build monuments to my impulses and desires on the backs of men like you.
FANTASIES
We all have a dark side. I invite you to explore yours with me. I won’t judge or shame you, and it goes without saying that all your secrets are safe with me. If you propose something I can’t oblige, I’ll simply say no, and we’ll never speak of it again.
I understand that some fantasies aren’t dark. They just . . . are. Same rules apply. No judgment, no shame. Role-playing is a good way to discover what you like. I have some favorites I can share with you, upon request.
FEELINGS
I hate to break it to your ego, but good dick won’t cause me to develop feelings for you. If you develop feelings for me, don’t worry; the moment will pass.
Under no circumstances should you even think about leaving your marriage for me. You can leave the marriage if you want, but not for me. I’m not waiting in the wings for you to be single. Remember: My reasons for wanting you are predicated on your hunger and the fact that you are off limits. Don’t ruin this for me by acting like a lovelorn teenager.
Note: In the event I do start to fall for you, you will know because I’ll stop responding to your text messages. This is for the best.
The austere tone of these instructions aside, I actually like you and can’t wait to fuck you. If I didn’t like you, if the thought of you didn’t make my panties wet, we wouldn’t be here.
YOUR DEPARTURE
You will leave beyond satisfied. I will treat every time we’re together as if it’s our last. So many wild cards with men like you, I’ve learned.
Shower or don’t. Gather your things. Leave nothing behind. Slide your ring back onto your finger. Tread until you are back on dry land.